Calling You
by troatie
Summary: AU. Mark and Addison's relationship, following the show's timeline - or trying to. Rated for certain chapters.
1. Make Me Feel Alright

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them. They're Shonda's.

**A/N:** I'm not sure how long this will be yet, but I'm going to try and follow the show's timeline (as closely as possible). I hope you'll enjoy it, let me know what you think :)

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**01 Make Me Feel Alright**

There are three questions Addison Shepherd never thought she'd ask herself:

_Where am I?_

_Whose bed is this?_

_How many Martinis did I drink?_

Addison Montgomery was the kind of woman who'd ask herself those questions. Addison Montgomery – single, in her twenties, fun-loving, independent and a little bit crazy – had asked herself those questions a few times before. But not Addison Shepherd. Not Dr. Addison Shepherd, MD. Addison Shepherd – married, thirty-nine, responsible and one of the best neonatal surgeons in the country – should never ask herself any of those questions. Let alone all three at once.

And, yet, here she is. Squinting because of the bright morning light, hair sticking out in every direction and naked in a bed she's never seen before. Oh, and hungover. _Spectacularly_ hungover.

Closing her eyes to protect them for the annoyingly bright light, she lets her head fall back on the pillow – a very comfortable pillow, by the way, but that's hardly the point – and wills her brain to stop bouncing around in her skull so she can concentrate on remembering last night.

"_Where are you going again?" Savvy took a sip of her wine and sat on Addison's bed to wait for her to walk out of the bathroom. "Interns mixer, Sav. I already told you. It's for the new interns to meet each other and also their bosses. I'm sure I've already told you this." The blonde looked up from the pair of shoes she was inspecting when her friend walked towards the closet. "You know I never listen when you talk doctor. Even if it's about a party. Or... well, the doctor version of a party, anyway."_

_Addison chuckled as she searched through her clothes trying to find the perfect dress. "Yeah, because you lawyers are famous for your wild parties." Savvy laughed with her friend and grabbed another pair of shoes, trying them on as she spoke again. "Ally McBeal. We're hot, fun and sexy." Addison shook her head between laughs and smiled when she found the dress she was looking for. "We have George Clooney playing one of us. You just can't top that." _

_Addison put on her dress and turned around, letting her friend see the result. "What do you think?" Savvy frowned slightly as soon as she realized which dress it was. "Addie, are you sure you wanna wear that dress?" Addison nodded. It was Derek's favorite. "Sweetie, he's been gone for three weeks..." But Addison didn't let her finish. "I know, Sav. He needed space. Distance. I get it. But he'll be there tonight, it's a work thing. He never misses work things."_

Derek. Right. She's pretty sure she didn't see him last night. But then again, she could have seen him and she just doesn't remember. Maybe she's in a hotel room, and Derek's gone for a walk. Maybe he's forgiven her. But a quick glance around the bed where she's laying tells her this is not a hotel room. And her common sense tells her she didn't see Derek last night. Her life never really works that way.

She looks next to her – she can't believe that wasn't the first thing she did – and sees an empty spot on the bed, which is perfectly fine by her. She needs a bit more time with herself to try and figure out exactly what – and who – she's doing here. A second look around the room reveals the dress – Derek's favorite – laying on the floor next to the door. Looking like someone threw it there in the throes of passion. Well, this just keeps getting better.

"_Dr. Addison Shepherd? I've read all your articles, I'm such a fan. I can't wait to start working with you, you're the best in your field, and..." Addison just smiled politely and nodded along with the intern's speech. Not that she didn't appreciate the compliments, but she was too busy trying to find the other Dr. Shepherd, and the young woman next to her was distracting her. She looked around the room for the millionth time that night, hoping to spot those familiar blue eyes, but once again she couldn't find him. _

_He had to be there. He just had to._

"_Addison?" She turned around and smiled at the man standing next to her. "Chief. Nice party." Dr. Green chuckled before replying. "I'm glad you approve. Can you come with me for a second? There's someone I want you to meet." Addison nodded and followed the Chief, looking around as they walked towards the other side of the room. He had to be somewhere in the room. Talking to some interns, maybe. Or maybe he was talking to Dr. Jensen, they'd always gotten along, and..._

"_Addison, this is Dr. Nicholas Jones, the new head of neurosurgery. Nicholas, this is Dr. Addison Shepherd, our head of neonatal." Addison mechanically shook his hand – because that's what you're supposed to do when you meet someone – but her eyes never left the Chief's. "I'm sorry, you said he was the new head of..." Dr. Green nodded slightly. "Derek sent me his resignation letter two weeks ago." Addison forced a smile and kept making small talk with both men, fighting back the nausea every time someone used the words "neurosurgery" or "Dr. Shepherd"._

And, speaking of nausea, she's experiencing some of those right now. She tries to get up, but as soon as her head leaves the pillow the room starts moving around her, and she decides to lay back down and wait for the dizziness to go away. She'd kill for a banana bag right now, but this doesn't look like a hospital room, and she chooses to do things the old-fashioned way instead.

The new head of neuro. Derek's resignation. He's not coming back.

She doesn't even have to fight back the tears – she doesn't have any more of those left for Derek – and she focuses on figuring out where she is again, because that doesn't hurt as much as thinking about her broken marriage. Did she sleep with the new head of neuro? No, it couldn't be... it would be perfectly ironic, but she knows she didn't do it. She wouldn't sleep with a man she's just met. That's just not her style. Sleeping with her husband's best friend, however, is.

"_Stop it, Addison."_

She's promised herself – and Savvy – that she won't think about it anymore. She won't keep thinking about That Night and punishing herself over it. It happened, it was a mistake, it meant nothing, and she has to move on with her life. And it's hard, but she's trying. So she decides to go back to trying to remember what happened last night, instead of going over the events of That Night in her head yet again.

"_This seat taken?" Addison__, sitting on a stool at the bar across the street from the hospital, wasn't sober enough to think of a hurtful comment. She also wasn't sober enough to know she shouldn't say yes. "Of course it's not. The seat next to me will never ever be taken again. I'm gonna die alone." Mark smirked at her as he sat down next to her, moving the glass out of her reach. "You're not gonna die alone, Addie. You have Savvy, and Weiss, and me." She let out a very un-ladylike snort at his words. "You. Right. Having you is my problem. That's what my problem is."_

_He saw a pout begin to form on her lips, and he wrapped his arms around her, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. "Wanna tell me what happened?" She shrugged slightly, and he couldn't help but smile. She was cute when she was tipsy. "I went to the intern mixing party thing." He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. "I've always hated those damn interns. That's why I love my practice." He was expecting her to laugh as she always did when he talked about his irrational hatred of interns, but she was apparently not sober enough to get jokes. "It wasn't the interns' fault. There was one annoying intern, though. Very annoying. But it wasn't her fault."_

_He kept his arms around her and let her go on. "I met Dr. Whatshisface. He's the new head of neuro... He's not coming back, you know?" Mark felt a tinge of pain when she said those words. She'd been avoiding him for three weeks, and he was afraid she blamed him for what happened. "I know, Addie. He's always been stupid like that." She gave him a small smile. "You're always here." He nodded slightly. "You'd never leave like that. You'd never leave me." He shook his head, and even though he knew it was the alcohol talking, he didn't pull away when she placed her lips on his._

No. Not Mark. Please, not Mark again.

Not when, after three weeks of avoiding him, she's finally stopped thinking about him all the time. Not when she's finally convinced herself that it was just sex. Having slept with Mark would be worse than having slept with the new head of neurosurgery, and that's saying something. She can't afford to spend another three weeks trying to make herself believe Mark is just her friend.

Maybe she did sleep with Dr. Jones. Maybe she didn't sleep with Mark, after all.

And then, she sees it. Mark's favorite jacket – does the man never wear another freaking jacket? – laying next to her dress. Equally wrinkled and carelessly thrown on the floor. She's slept with Mark. Again.

"_Do I never learn?"_

Sleeping with Mark ruined her marriage. Sleeping with Mark ruined her friendship with Mark. Sleeping with Mark is never a good thing. And yet, here she is. In his room – a room she's never seen before, oddly enough – and in his bed. And naked. But that's gonna change as soon as she gets up and puts on her clothes. Because, now that she knows where she is – and who she is with – she really can't stay any longer.

She gets up from the bed and picks up her clothes, trying not to think about the images that keep appearing in her mind.

"_Are you sure?"__ his question made her feel like a teen, but she appreciated his concern. Or she would have, if all the lust that was clouding her mind was leaving some room for other thoughts. "Yes. Please, Mark." And, even though there was still a nagging feeling on the back of his head telling him it was not a good idea, he was only human, and he didn't really have that much self-control. _

_It was just sex. Addison telling herself she didn't have feelings for him and Mark trying not to let his feelings for her show. It was fast, hard and desperate, both of them aching for each other and not wanting to let themselves admit there was more to it than lust. __They didn't make it to his room the first time, and they walked the fine line between pain and pleasure, his body crushing hers against the wall and her nails leaving red marks on his shoulders when she came. _

Addison blushes slightly when she walks into the kitchen and sees him reading the paper, the small red marks still visible on his shoulders. "Hey." He looks up and smiles when he sees her. "Morning. How did you sleep?" She shifts uncomfortably, wondering if it's too soon to run away. "Good. I slept... good." The obviously fake smile isn't fooling him, and he hands her a cup of coffee, hoping to make her stay a little longer.

She takes the cup from him and takes a sip, willing herself not to run away and leave him there with his warm smile, his delicious coffee and his ability to make her want to stay with him forever. But she can't stay, because he's Mark, and she's Addison, and it wouldn't work. Plus, she shouldn't be toying with that idea. She should be worrying about her husband instead. Even if he's left her. Even if he's resigned. He's still her husband.

"I'm glad you're not avoiding me anymore. I missed you." She let out an awkward chuckle as she nodded her head. "Yeah. So... last night was great, but I really have to get going. You know... interns, first day..." Mark frowned slightly at her words – almost exactly the same one he used when ditching a woman in the morning – but nodded along, his smile still on his face. He knew it was a bad idea last night, and he didn't want her to feel bad about it. "Sure. Torture some interns for me, ok?" She chuckled again – more naturally this time – and put on her coat as she walked towards the door. "Bye, Mark."

"Goodbye, Addie."


	2. I'll Try To Love Again

Disclaimer: I still don't own them.

A/N: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! They made my day :) I hope you'll enjoy this part!

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**02 I'll Try To Love Again**

Addison smiles as she walks towards the OR. She's having one of those days when the guilt is not too sharp and work keeps her mind off Mark, and those days are worth smiling for.

It's been a week since "The Incident", as Savvy calls it, and Addison still hasn't talked to Mark. She's thankful for Mark having his own practice – it makes avoiding him so much easier – and also for her phone's caller ID. She's not ready to talk to him yet. She knows it's unfair, because they're still friends, but she needs to keep avoiding him for now. At least until she convinces herself of the fact that Mark is just her friend.

Because he is. Just her friend.

And the thinking about him, the occasional dreams and the new feelings she's having... well, that's just her mind playing games on her. A self-defense mechanism to make herself believe she didn't cheat on Derek for nothing. But she knows it's not true. She's not in love with Mark. Because Addison Shepherd doesn't fall in love with her husband's best friend. And, until her mind goes back to normal and she stops thinking about him like that, she's going to keep avoiding him.

After a successful surgery, Addison walks briskly towards the cafeteria, where Savvy's waiting for her. They've been having lunch together for a month, ever since Derek left, and she knows Savvy's what keeps her sane. Because, right now, she's the only friend she has.

Derek's sisters are off limits now, what with her cheating on their brother and breaking his heart. She misses them – they were family – but she knows she doesn't have the right to expect them to be her friends now. Weiss has always been closer to Derek and, while he's still friendly towards her, she knows he can't really be her friend without breaking some ridiculous code of honor between male friends. And then there's Mark, but he's not really an option anymore.

So, Savvy is all she has.

She smiles when she sees her friend waiting at one of the tables in the cafeteria, and Savvy returns her smile when Addison sits down next to her. "How was your surgery?" Addison takes a sip of Savvy's coffee before replying. "Healthy baby boy, six pounds four ounces and nursing like a pro. The mom is happy and recovering perfectly. How was your hearing?" Savvy smiles at her friend, glad to see her happy again. "We got the kids, the house, the car and the beach house. The ex-husband hates me and his lawyer almost cried." Addison chuckled at her words. "Your job makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside."

Savvy and Addison keep talking while they eat their salads, until one of the new interns walks over to them. "Excuse me, Dr. Shep... Dr. Montgomery? Mrs. Williams is ready." Addison nods and tells him she'll meet him in the OR, and Savvy cocks her eyebrow at her as soon as the intern's gone. "Dr. Montgomery?" Addison shrugs slightly, her eyes still on her salad. "It reminded me of him."

Savvy shakes her head and takes a deep breath before speaking again. "It's been a month, sweetie. You're allowed to miss him." Addison nods without looking at her and doesn't say a thing. If she doesn't voice her feelings, maybe they'll go away sooner. "Maybe it's time to talk to your lawyer, Addie. Start moving forward." Addison shakes her head as she finishes her salad. "Not yet."

She leaves for surgery after a friendly hug and a reminder of their lunch date for tomorrow, and Addison tries to focus on the surgery she's about to perform instead of thinking about Savvy's words. Maybe it's time to talk to her lawyer. But she's not ready yet. She's not ready to move on. She doesn't deserve to move on yet. She's an adulterous bitch, and she can't sign a paper that will allow her to move on with her life.

Not yet.

A few hours later, Addison's scrubbing out of her surgery – healthy baby girl, almost six pounds and cute as a button – when she hears two of her interns talking next to her. "Have you seen the new one? I almost literally drooled when he smiled at me." Addison smirked, remembering what it was like to be an intern. She was already married back then, but that didn't mean she didn't lust after all the male attendings, just like the rest of the interns. "Have you met him, Dr. Montgomery?" Addison dries her hands and leans against the sink, waiting for the interns to finish. "I don't think so. What's his name?" The interns shrug and hold the door open for her to walk out. "I don't know. He's here for a consult on the VIP patient."

The three women walk out of the scrub room and towards the nurses' station, but they stop when the man leaning on the counter turns around and smiles at them. "There he is. He's so sexy it should be illegal." Addison doesn't speak. She's too busy cursing her bad luck. "Dr. Montgomery?" The interns turn around when Addison is already reaching the elevator, walking as fast as her high-heeled shoes allow her to.

"Addison!" She ignores his voice and silently wills the elevator doors to close faster, but he walks in before she can run away. "You're avoiding me again."

Mark crosses his arms across his chest, looking at her with a mixture of anger and concern in his eyes. "Yes." She's having a hard time staying calm. She's not ready for this. Not yet. "Why are you avoiding me?" He moves closer as he speaks, and she tries to take a step back before she notices her back's already pressed against the wall. She shakes her head softly, trying not to let his familiar smell cloud her mind. She's always loved the way he smells – even before everything changed – and it's probably because she helped him choose his after-shave when they were still in med school.

"Addison." And she snaps out of it, because he only calls her Addison when he's serious. "Why are you avoiding me?" He moves slightly closer, waiting for her answer. _"Because I love you. Because it wasn't just sex." _But he knows that's not the answer he'll get, as much as he wishes it was. "Because every time I stop avoiding you, we make mistakes. Naked mistakes. And that can't happen anymore. No more mistakes." Mark has to fight the urge to smile – he has a soft spot for nervous Addison – and he's about to say something when the doors slide open and she practically runs away, leaving a slightly confused Mark behind.

Three hours later, Addison sits on her chair, looking at the already finished paperwork on her desk. She could have gone home a while ago, but she doesn't want to take any risks. Mark could still be around, and she's not about to risk running into him. Not after making a fool of herself in the elevator. It's not that she didn't mean what she said. She did mean it. But she probably could have worded it differently. Maybe. If he hadn't been wearing the damn after-shave. Because, clearly, it's all the after-shave's fault. It's his secret weapon, and he knows it.

She looks at her watch once again, and decides to wait another hour before going home. Just in case. She grabs one of her medical journals and starts reading it – or at least looking at it – when the sound of the door opening makes her look up. "Addie?"

Mark walks into her office and closes the door behind him, and Addison stands up and walks towards the door, but he gently grabs her arm before she can reach the handle, making her stop. "No. You're going to listen to what I have to say. I also have things to say." She holds his gaze, trying not to let her mind wander. "You have to stop avoiding me. It's stupid, and you're not stupid enough to do that. And you're my best friend. Right now, you're my only friend. You don't get to avoid me forever." She takes a step back, shaking her head. "Mark..."

"No. Don't. We made mistakes. Naked mistakes." He smirks and she blushes, and he tries to sound sure of himself. Because they aren't mistakes in his mind, but he knows they are for her. "But we're friends first. We can still be friends. And I don't know about you, but I miss you. I miss my annoyingly girly best friend. I miss you, Addie."

She doesn't know if it's his words, or his smell – it was probably that damn secret weapon of his – but before she can figure it out she's leaned in and kissed him, and she has to suppress a content sigh when he wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He traces her lower lip with his tongue, and she parts her lips, her hands sliding from his shoulders to his chest, feeling the heat of his skin through the thin fabric of his scrubs.

"_This is just sex."_

But the slow pace he's setting, with his fingertips lightly brushing the skin on her lower stomach and his tongue gently – lovingly, even, if she didn't know better – exploring her mouth is making it very hard to listen when she tells herself there are no feelings involved in this. And, when one of his hands moves around to her back, sending shivers down her spine, and she has to fight the urge to whisper his name into the kiss, she decides it's time to take the lead. Because this is just sex, and she can't convince herself if he keeps this up, making her want to enjoy every second, as if it meant something.

And it doesn't. This is just sex.

Mark doesn't really know what changed, but suddenly she's not in the mood for kissing and she's pushing him towards his desk, her fingers working on untying his scrub pants as she softly bites on his lower lip. His hands travel under her shirt, and he wants to take his time – especially after hearing the small "_Oh_" that escaped her lips when his hands found her breasts – but she slides her hand into his boxers and a low groan is all he can manage before his mind shuts down completely.

Addison can't suppress a moan when one of his hands finally finds its way into her panties as the other pulls up her skirt, and he pushes down his pants and boxers, aching for more. She lets out a small whimper when he pulls his hand away from her, and she wraps her legs around his waist when he lifts her onto her desk and pulls her panties to the side before sliding into her in one fluid motion, both of them moaning at the contact.

Mark tries his best to keep at least a bit of control over this. He refuses to go at it as if this was just sex. As if she wasn't Addison. But her heels are digging on the back of his legs, and she's making it hard for him to keep his cool. "Mark..." and the way she says his name, between a sigh and a moan, her hot breath tickling his neck, is almost enough to push him over the edge. Her legs tighten around his waist and he braces himself with one hand on the desk as he quickens his pace, his other hand moving between and earning a soft moan from her lips.

Addison comes moaning against his neck, her eyes squeezed shut and and her nails digging into his back, and he follows seconds later, whispering her name into her hair before collapsing against her. She allows herself a moment of weakness and relaxes in his arms, smiling as she lets him trail soft kisses down his neck and silencing her own voice that keeps trying to make her believe that this is, once again, just sex.

They stay silent for a while, enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms, but Addison pulls away after a moment and Mark knows the moment's gone.

It was just sex.

She tenses up in his arms and he takes a step back as he pulls up his pants and boxers, trying not to let his disappointment show. He's hurting himself, and he knows it. This is just sex for her, and that's not going to change just because it isn't like that for him. And he knows he should stop. He should follow her lead and ignore her as she's trying to do with him, but he can't do that. She's the only woman he can't ignore.

Addison straightens her clothes and uses her fingers to brush her hair, grabbing her coat and trying not to look at him. After a moment of awkward silence, though, she figures she should say something and tries to make her mind form a coherent thought. "See? This is why I avoid you. Naked mistakes." He smirks against his will – because she's cute and nervous, and he has a soft spot for that – and hands her her purse. "This wasn't a naked mistake, though. Half-naked at most." And she smiles, because he's him, and he can pull it off.

"Still. Mistake." He nods, because – even though it hurts – he figures she's right. She's still married, after all. And even though he doesn't think it counts if her husband has left her, he knows she's still waiting for him. And maybe it's better to stop. Because it can't be good for her to keep having sex with him, and it's certainly not good for him to keep pretending he's just having sex with her.

"Can I call you? To talk?"

And she wants to say no. But she misses her friend, and she figures talking to him on the phone – without his after-shave clouding her mind – would be just fine. "Yeah. That'd be nice." And she leaves without looking at him, because she doesn't think she'll be able to go if she looks into his eyes once again.

As she walks towards her car, Addison tells herself this has to stop. She can't keep doing this to herself. She needs to think about Derek, not Mark. And she needs to stop having sex with Mark to forget about Derek. Except, this time, it wasn't about Derek. She didn't have sex with Mark to forget about Derek. She wasn't even thinking about Derek when Mark walked into her office. She was thinking about Mark. It was about mark.

And that made it even worse.


	3. She Only Gives Me Pain

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Thanks for the review :) I hope you all like this part, let me know what you thought!

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**03 She's Only Giving Me Pain**

Five weeks.

It's been five weeks since Derek left. Five weeks since she slept with her husband's best friend for the first time. Five weeks since her husband found them in bed. Five weeks since her life fell apart. And people keep thinking she's hurting because it's been since weeks since the end of her marriage.

But that's not true.

It's been years since the end of her marriage. Years since they meant an I love you, years since they made love instead of having sex, years since they were DerekandAddison. The end of her marriage is not what hurts. What hurts is, the past five weeks have been oddly similar to the last five years. Except for the three times she's had sex with Mark. But that's not the point.

The point is, she's still waiting. Still cooking – or buying, it doesn't really matter – for two and throwing away his part. Still hoping he'll come home, even though she knows he won't. And that's her marriage, right there. It hasn't changed with him leaving. It's all the same. That's what hurts.

Her life fell apart, but it has nothing to do with Derek.

Her life fell apart because now it's all out there for everyone to see. She can't hide behind her seemingly perfect marriage. And people talk and whisper, and they wait for her to crack. But she won't. Because not having him doesn't hurt as much as they think it does. It did, at first. But it happened behind the perfect façade of being DerekandAddison. The tears, the fights and the pain, it all happened years ago. Right now, it's just a dull ache, and she's so used to it she hardly ever notices anymore. So she won't crack.

Does she miss him? Everyday. She misses her Derek. The one who woke her up with kisses and fell asleep holding her close to him. The one who didn't need to tell her he loved her, because he proved it everyday. She's been missing him every day for five years. The other Derek, though, the one who didn't call and didn't show up for days, the one who said he loved her out of practice, the one who left five weeks ago... she doesn't miss that Derek.

But she does miss Mark. Having him to take her out when her house started making her feel claustrophobic. Having him to talk to when she needed him. Having him to hold her when she needed to be weak for a while. Sleeping with Mark didn't make her life fall apart because it made Derek go away. It made her life fall apart because it changed her friendship with Mark.

It was a mistake. Because it hurt Derek – and she never wanted that – and because it changed the way she felt about Mark. And now she doesn't have DerekandAddison to hide behind, and she doesn't have Mark to make it better. And that's what hurts.

Addison gets home after a long day at work – long because of the surgeries and the sympathetic smiles – and her phone rings as soon as she closes the door behind her. She picks up hoping it's mark – he's called a few times since the last "mistake" in her office – but it's not Mark's voice on the other side of the line.

"Nancy?"

"Addie. How are you doing?" Addison doesn't really know what to say. "I'm... okay." She knows Nancy didn't call just to make small talk. "Derek called last night." And Addison's heart beats faster, and she hates herself for letting him affect her that much. "Where is he?" She hears Nancy sigh on the phone, and she knows what she's going to say. "He doesn't want us to tell you, Addie. I just... thought I'd let you know he's fine."

She nods to herself, because she's not really surprised. "Nancy... I didn't want to hurt your brother. I'm sorry." She hears another sigh. "I know, Addie. We all know." Addison tries not to cry, because the Shepherds are still her family, but she knows it'll never be the same. "Have you talked to your lawyer yet?" Addison tenses up at her words. "Not yet. I... have to go, Nance. I'll talk to you some other time."

He's not coming back.

And she decides it's time to stop waiting, and she goes to her room and into her closet, grabbing some clothes and packing her bags. He's fine, and she needs to start moving on. Or try to. And she can't do it in this house. She puts on her coat and grabs her bags, and she leaves without looking back.

She needs to move on.

The phone rings in Mark's apartment a few hours later, startling him awake. He groans and gets up, still groggy after just two hours of sleep. He hasn't been sleeping a lot lately. At first, it was the guilt keeping him awake. Guilt because he slept with his best friend's wife, and because he ruined his best friends' marriage. The guilt subsided after a few weeks, though. When he realized Derek had left her for good. If he was stupid enough not to fight for her, he didn't deserve his guilt.

In the past few weeks, though, his lack of sleep has been because of her. Because of his feelings for her and her lack of feelings for him. It must be Karma, he thinks. Karma who thinks it's awfully funny that, after years of playing with women, he finally falls in love and it's with her. With her best friend's wife. With a woman who doesn't love him back. And that's what's keeping him awake.

"Mark?"

He recognizes her voice as soon as he puts the phone to his ear. And she's not all right. He knows that voice. The voice from all the forgotten anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. The voice she only has after being hurt by Derek. "Addie, are you all right?" It's a stupid question, but he knows her, and he knows she likes to think people don't notice when she's upset. She likes to think she's above letting her emotions show.

"I dyed my hair." And Mark tries to crack her code, but, for once, he can't. "You dyed your hair?" He hears her sniffle on the other side of the line. "Yeah. Blond. It looks terrible." He knows it's not about the hair, but he also knows she'll only talk about the real issue when she feels like it. "I'm sure you look beautiful, Addie." And he means it.

"No. It's awful. I look like a whore. And I thought blondes had more fun, but I'm not feeling the fun, Mark." He sits on his couch, ready for a long talk. Because this is one of those days. "You're a redhead inside. You can't fake the blondeness." She chuckles slightly. "Blondeness? Is that even a word?" And he smiles, because she's laughing, and everything's all right in the world. "I just used it, right? Then it's a word."

He let her laugh for a moment before he decided to go back to the real conversation. "Why did you dye your hair, Addie?" She hesitates before answering his question. "Because I moved out." And then it clicks. She's given up. "Did he..." She interrupts him before he can finish. "No. Nancy. He really is gone, Mark." He sighs, because he's been waiting for this for weeks. She's hurting, but at least she's not in denial anymore. "Where are you?" She sounds slightly embarrassed when she answers. "At the Four Seasons."

He chuckles into the phone. "The Four Seasons? You're kind of a snob, aren't you?" He can feel her smile when she speaks again. "Do you not know me at all?" Mark smirks at her words, because the old Addie's finally back. "You're the biggest snob on Earth. But it's part of your charm."

He hears her chuckle behind the tears, and – even though he knows it goes against the rules of their new telephonic friendship – he wants to make the tears go away. Because he's gotten great at that over the last five years. "Addie? Do you want me to go there?" And he doesn't really know what he wants her to say.

"No."

The tinge of pain he feels tells him that's not what he wanted to her. "Not yet, Mark. No more naked mistakes." And he tries to change her mind, because it seems like the thing to do. "It doesn't have to be that way. Nothing will happen. You can trust me." She sighs before replying, and for a moment he thinks she's going to say she doesn't. "I trust you, Mark. I just don't trust myself."

He doesn't really know what to think of that. He could take the chance and tell her how he feels. Maybe this is one of those moments when you can make your life change. But he hears her sniffle, and making her stop crying becomes the first thing he wants to do. Changing his life can wait. "Well, if it makes it easier, I can wear my most unattractive clothes. Hide my irresistible sex-appeal."

She lets out a small chuckle, and he relaxes again. As long as he can make her laugh, everything's fine in the world. "I don't think that'd be enough. It's not just the sex-appeal." And, once again, Mark doesn't know what to say. Because he doesn't want to let himself believe she's saying what he thinks she's saying. "Don't freak out, though. It's just me going insane. But with the new hair and the new address, it'll go away soon."

He knows it's his moment. The moment when he tells her he loves her, he's loved her for years, and it doesn't have to go away. But he feels her hopeful smile when she says it will go away, and he knows she really wants it to. So he pushes the feelings aside, to the place where they've been locked for the past ten years. "Good. I know I'm sexy and all, but you have to control yourself, woman."

She laughs again, and he knows hearing that sound is worth hurting a bit. Because it hurts worse when she cries. "I'll let you go back to sleep now. Thanks for listening, Mark." And he nods as if she could see him. "Anytime." He can feel her smile, because she knows he means it. "Night, Mark."

"Goodnight, Addie."


	4. Who Remembers When It All Began?

Disclaimer: I still don't know any of these characters.

A/N: There is some medical stuff in this chapter, and I researched it all and think it makes sense, but in case it doesn't, let me know and I'll try to fix it :)

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**04 Who remembers when it all began?**

Addison frowns as she looks at her reflection on the mirror of her hotel room, trying to figure out what's wrong with the way she looks.

Her shoes are perfect, and they look amazing with her outfit. She's wearing a skirt and shirt that say "Not only am I hot, but I'm also a professional. You can trust me with your baby's life." And her subtle make-up only emphasizes that point. And her hair... makes her look like a pornstar, as Savvy had lovingly put it when she first saw it one week ago.

She could dye it back. She could go back to being a true redhead instead of a blonde bimbo wannabe. But, the truth is, she finds it oddly comforting to hardly recognize herself when she looks into the mirror. It's a clean slate. Blond Addison – Candy, as she likes to call her – has never been married. She's never cheated on her husband with his best friend. She's never made any naked mistakes.

No. She's not dyeing it back.

Addison walks into the hospital cafeteria a few hours later, ready for her lunch date with Savvy. She greets her friend with a smile and sits down next to her, placing her tray on the table in front of them. "It's like being back in high school." Addison chuckles at Savvy's words. "Except without the braces and geekiness." Savvy smirks at her friend. "Sweetie, you're still kind of a geek."

After a few minutes of laughing at their high school memories, Savvy decides to change the subject. "I saw Mark last night. He told me he hasn't met Candy yet." Addison shifts uncomfortably on her seat. "I haven't seen him in a while." Savvy sighs before replying. "Addie, you have to stop avoiding him. So you got drunk and slept with him, big deal. You can still see him while you're sober. Just... don't drink and see Mark."

Addison looks down. She hasn't told Savvy about the incident in her office two weeks ago, and she's thankful when her friend keeps talking. "I know you're hurting, sweetie, but so is Mark. And it's not fair to leave him alone. Weiss met him and Derek at the same time, and he doesn't know if talking to him would be breaking the stupid male pact, and you know you're all he has right now. It's not fair for him to have you ignoring him because of a drunken mistake."

Addison's guilty face doesn't go unnoticed by Savvy. "There was a sober mistake too? Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd!" Addison tenses up. "Say it louder, will you? I think that intern over there didn't quite get what you say. And I feel awful enough as it is, Sav, I don't need you to make it worse!" Savvy sighs and gives her friend's hand a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sorry, you're right. But still... what is it? Is it lust? Because I get it, it's Mark, we've all gone there once or twice..." Addison pulls her hand away. "Savannah!" Savvy shakes her head, smirking. "Before Weiss and I started dating, you dirty-minded woman. But the point is, I get the lust, that's fine. But... is it worth risking your friendship over?" Addison shakes her head. "Hence the avoiding."

"I talk to him everyday, though. On the phone. I just... don't see him." Savvy nods at her friend. "It's not lust, is it?" Addison shakes her head, still looking down. "I don't think so." Savvy takes a deep breath before replying. She knew. She didn't think Addison would ever acknowledge it, though. "How long?" Addison takes a moment to answer, because she doesn't really know the exact moment when she started thinking of Mark as more than a friend. "Since..."

The sound of her pager interrupts her before she can answer, and she looks down with a sigh. She reads the message on the small screen of her pager and stands up, smiling apologetically at her friend. "911. I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" Savvy nods and smiles at her. "Sure. Good luck, Candy." Savvy winks at her and Addison chuckles as she leaves the cafeteria, walking briskly towards her patient's room.

Addison's mind stills as soon as she holds the scalpel. No Mark, no Derek, no failed marriage and no confusing feelings. It's just the woman on the table in front of her, her baby and all the medical facts. There's order in her mind. Cut, get the baby, repair and close. Save two lives. She's done this countless times before. It's a routine procedure. They're not Jane Harrison – 24, newlywed and with a contagious smile that lights up her face – and baby Lizzie – her first child, named after her grandmother and destined to be a sports fan like her dad – when Addison makes the first cut. They are a pregnant patient with placenta accreta and a fetus with an atrial septal defect. There's no room for names and feelings in the OR. Just problems and solutions.

Cut, get the baby, repair and close.

Addison cuts, and she gets the baby out, handing her to one of the interns, that takes her to the table where the resident's waiting. Repair. She looks down, knowing what she'll see. The placenta will be attached too deep into the uterine wall, and she'll have to be careful when removing it. She could do a histerectomy, it's quicker and probably safer, but she always tries to save the uterus. Especially when the patient's this young. She starts working, hands steady as always, and her mind focused on the steps she needs to follow. But something's not right.

"Page Dr. Thomas!" And it's not a case of placenta accreta anymore. It's placenta percreta, a ruptured bladder and a patient that's bleeding out. Someone says Dr. Thomas is on his way, and she knows they don't have time to wait. She tries to control the bleeding, but her hands aren't as steady as before. This is not a routine procedure anymore. "I need more blood!"

Dr. Thomas rushes into the OR and Addison steps aside, letting the general surgeon take over. "The bladder ruptured when I tried to detach the placenta, she's lost a lot of blood." Addison watches the surgeon as he works, trying to stop the bleeding. _"How did I miss it?" _But she knows she didn't. She didn't do the exam. She's just the surgeon. They gave her the facts, and she worked with them. She's not the one who missed it. But that's not enough to comfort her right now.

"Dr. Montgomery!" Addison rushes to the other side of the OR, looking at the monitors surrounding the baby. "We have to go in. Page Dr. Carter." It was a routine procedure. Cut, get the baby, repair and close. And, suddenly, complications arise, and everything changes.

"Time of death, eight forty-seven."

She hears Dr. Thomas's voice behind her, and she tries to make the baby's heart start beating. "Come on, Lizzie. Stay with me." She can hear her mentor's voice in her head, after all these years. _"You have to learn distance, Addison." _But it's too late. Jane – 24, newlywed and with a contagious smile that lights up her face – is dead on the table behind her, and she's trying to make Lizzie's heart start beating again. Lizzie, 37 minutes old and with her mother's nose. Not a female premature patient. And she doesn't stop when they tell her she's gone. She can't give up on her.

"Time of death, nine thirteen."

Addison takes longer than usual scrubbing out. She lost them both. And now it's time to tell the patient's husband – Mike, 25, newlywed and so in love with both Jane and Lizzie that you can't help but smile when he speaks – that everything's over. That he's now Mike, 25, a widower who didn't even get a chance to see his daughter alive. _"We did everything we could..."_ Did she? Yes. But it's not enough. It won't be enough for Mike, and it's not enough for Addison.

She walks out of the hospital an hour later, and she takes a moment before turning on her car. A moment to decide where to go.

Mark hears a knock on the door half an hour later, and he stays silent when he sees Addison standing in front of him. "I lost them both." And he doesn't need to ask, because she's told him about them when he called her last night. The young sweet couple expecting their first child. "I was going to go see Savvy instead... but she wouldn't understand." He knows. If you've never lost a patient, you never understand. Addison looks down, and he steps aside, holding the door open for her. "Come on in."

He walks into the kitchen a few minutes later, leaving her sitting on the couch. When he comes back out, he hands her a cup of hot chocolate and a small smile appears on her face. "Juju." Mark nods and sits next to her, letting her talk. "Every body is different. Complications are always a possibility. There was no way of preventing what happened." Mark listens to her and stays silent, knowing she's trying to convince herself. "Placenta percreta is almost impossible to see before delivery, and the risk of the bladder rupturing is high. Premature babies with atrial septal defects usually code in the first few hours after birth."

"I did everything I could."

Mark knows what to do. He's good at this. He was there when she lost her first patient and she cried for two hours straight while Derek held her close. He was there to offer a cup of hot chocolate every time she lost a patient during their residency. Juju and Derek's arms around her, that was the magic recipe. He was there when losing a patient became a rare happening and she started to be known as the best neonatal surgeon in the East Coast. The recipe changed then. It was just juju and Mark listening to her, offering a hug when Derek was too busy holding a scalpel to hold his wife. Mark knows what to do.

Addison doesn't cry when his arms wrap around her, but she buries her face in his chest anyway, because it makes it all better. Savvy's question come back to her mind. "How long?" And she has her answer. Since the first time she went to his house after losing a patient instead of waiting for Derek to hold her after his surgery. Since the first time Marks juju helped more than the promise of Derek's hug when he found the time to see her between surgeries. Since the first time she had to tell herself she didn't have feelings for Mark.

"Mark?" And he makes a sound, letting her know he's listening. His arms are still securely wrapped around her, and her hair – while looking completely different – still smells like Addison. His mind's too clouded to form coherent words. She doesn't move. Her head's still resting on his chest when she speaks again. "It wasn't just sex." And his arms tighten slightly around her as he lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. Mark's voice is softer than normal when he talks for the first time since they sat down almost an hour ago.

"It really wasn't, Addie."


	5. Show 'Em How We Do It Now

Disclaimer: I still don't own any of these characters.

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**05 Show 'em how we do it now**

It's been a month since Addison told him it wasn't just sex, and Mark's life has completely changed in the past four weeks.

For one, he doesn't sleep with random women. Anymore. He had a few slips on the first week – three nurses, three on-call rooms – but he's discovered the joys of being in a committed relationship, and he doesn't even find it hard to stay faithful now. He's not sure if Addison knows about the three nurses – and he's not going to ask her – but she's still with him, and that's all that matters. He's different now. Mark "Manwhore" Sloan died the moment he realized waking up with the woman he loves is better – by far – than screwing every single nurse in Manhattan.

Another change – probably the biggest one – is that he's living with a woman for the first time in his life. And, surprisingly enough, he's happy about it. It happened – like everything else in their relationship – gradually, quietly and naturally. He doesn't know the exact day he fell in love with her, and he can't pinpoint the moment when they officially started living together. It just happened. Skirts and dresses started hanging among his shirts and pants in his closet, silk panties shared drawers with his boxers, and high heels rested on the floor next to his shoes. And it was just fine.

She started staying the night because it felt better. Because she didn't want to leave and he didn't want her to, so staying was the natural thing to do. He didn't ask her to stay, and she didn't ask him if she could. He just kept his arms around her, and she pressed her back against his chest, and it was silently decided that she didn't have to leave ever again. Because it was better this way. And he gave her his spare key the day he had a late surgery, because she was going to need it to get in when she got home. Her staying at the hotel didn't even cross their minds, because somewhere in the past three weeks, they'd started living together. Just like that. Because it was normal, comfortable, and felt impossibly right.

And, in Mark's oppinion, there are many good things about living with Addison.

Things that have become so important for him that he wonders how he lived thirty nine years without her.

The first good thing – and the most important one – is, definitely, the sex. Because, let's face it, he may be in love, but he's still Mark Sloan, and his priorities haven't changed that much. He loves the regular sex part of a committed, living together relationship. He loves having sex with her before falling asleep, waking her up – or being waken up by her – in the middle of the night for a second round, and starting the day with a very naked Addison next to him. Or on top of him. Or under him. He's not picky, as long as she's naked.

But that's not all. Because, while he's still Mark Sloan, he's also in love. And he loves having breakfast with her and receiving a sweet kiss before they go to work. He loves that his apartment smells like her now, and it suddenly feels like home. He loves calling her in the middle of the day to remind her it's her turn to buy dinner, and when she calls him to remind him they're out of milk. And he loves that no matter how crappy a day he's having, she'll be there to kiss it better as soon as he gets home. But, most of all, he loves how she knows that, no matter how crappy a day she's having, he'll be there to kiss it better as soon as she gets home.

But it's not all good when it comes to living with Addison. The good definitely trumps – by far – the bad, but some things still get on his nerves. Like the ever-growing amount of shoes on the floor. And in the closet. And in boxes under the bed. He could also live without having to literally wrestle her for the remote every time a Yankees game airs at the same time as her favorite show. And then there's the bathroom. The girly stuff cluttering every surface on the previously all-male room. And the ridiculous amount of time she spends in there every morning. And every night. And every time they go out. Which is exactly what's happening right now.

"Addison! We're gonna be late!"

Her voice sounds chipper from the other side of the door. "I'm almost done!" Mark sighs and rests his forehead against the door, next to the hand he'd used to knock. "You said that an hour ago!" And he can barely hear her when she speaks again, because she's turned on the hairdryer. "Well, I mean it now!" And he groans and goes to the living room, because a game seems like the best thing to keep him from losing his cool.

Normally, he'd just shrug it off and reschedule their reservations. But tonight is not a normal night. Tonight, he's wearing a tux – a very uncomfortable tux that she bought for him – and she's dragging him to some kind of fund raising gala organized by her Chief. And Mark hates those events. So, considering he's going with her to a thing he hates and wearing a tux he hates, the least she could do is not make him wait. But, of course, Addison being Addison, she's been locked in the bathroom for two hours now. And he doesn't get it, really. As far as he is concerned, she could wear a garbage bag and she'd still look hot. Because when someone _is_ hot – and Addison may just be the epitome of hot, if you ask him – they don't really need to make an effort to _look_ hot.

Mark sits on the couch and turns on the tv, and he can't help but wonder when exactly did he become this man. The man who lives with his girlfriend and waits for her to be ready to go. Actually, having a girlfriend is weird enough considering he's Mark Sloan. But she fell asleep in his arms the night she told him it wasn't just sex, and the next morning, before work, they had not-just-sex. And it all fell into place. They were a couple, before they could even ask themselves if they wanted to be. But it felt just right, so they figured they did want to be a couple, after all.

And Mark has to wonder when exactly did he stop having control over his life. When did everything start to happen to him instead of him making it happen? And he guesses it has something to do with falling in love with Addison. He always said love turned perfectly normal people into brainless morons, and he is now proving himself right. He also thought they were even more stupid for not doing something about it, but he now knows being a brainless moron isn't so bad when it's someone like Addison turning you into one. And so, he has a newfound respect for all the men who've become morons because of a woman. They really couldn't help it, just like him.

"Okay, I'm ready."

Addison cocks her eyebrow when Mark smirks as he takes his time to look her up and down. "Candy's gone?" She chuckles and fixes his tie when he moves closer to her. "Candy's gone. Do you miss her?" He shakes his head and places his hands on her waist, pulling her closer. "I missed you." And Addison smiles when he leans in and kisses her, his tongue tracing her lower lip. His hands move from her waist up and into her hair, and she pulls away, smirking at his frustrated face. "We're gonna be late."

"So we're a little late, who cares?"

She chuckles against his lips and kisses him once more before she pulls away again, taking a step back to emphasize her point. "I care. The Chief cares. Come on, we can always leave a little early and come back here to party by ourselves." Mark chuckles and follows her towards the door after helping her put on her coat. "You need to stop quoting chick-flicks when talking to me." She takes his hand and pulls him out of the apartment, laughing at his words. "You love it when I quote chick-flicks." Mark smirks and leads her to his car, opening the door for her. "I love it even more when you quote porn movies." She tries to shoot him a stern glare, but it comes out highly unconvincing considering her beaming smile. "You're a dirty, dirty man." He winks at her as he turns on the car. "And you love it."

They arrive at the party a few minutes later, and Addison hesitates a bit before taking his hand. It's not that they've been hiding for a month, she's sure most people already know they're together, but it's completely different to step into a room where most people know Derek and let them see her holding Mark's hand instead. Which is one of the reasons why she dyed her hair back tonight. She needed to be Addison tonight, not Candy. Her red hair has always defined her, just like her high heels and collection of titles, and she needed the whole package for this party. If she wants people to respect her and see the foremost neonatal surgeon in the East Coast instead of the adulterous whore that cheated on Derek Shepherd, she needs to be Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd tonight. And it comes with red hair.

Mark places one of his hands on the small of her back to lead her to the bar, and she guesses this is better than holding his hand, anyway. This way, his hand will stop her if she tries to run away. And that's looking like a tempting move right now. Mark orders their drinks and hands her a Martini and a smile, and she realizes that's all she needed. Which makes sense, considering Mark's always known what she needs before she even realizes she needs something. It's a gift he has. That, and turning her on in two seconds flat. But that's not the point right now.

"So, why are we here again?" Addison smiles at Mark's annoyed expression and takes a sip of her drink before answering his question. "Before this is a fund raising to upgrade the maternal wing of the hospital, and I'm the star of the maternal wing. I've told you this a thousand times already." He smirks and kisses her cheek, letting his lips stay on her skin for a little bit longer than necessary. "I know. I just like to hear you say you're the star."

Addison laughs as she finishes her drink, and sets the empty glass on the table before turning around to face him. "Wanna dance?" Mark chuckles slightly, thinking she's kidding. "You know I don't dance." She smiles at him, taking his drink from him and setting it next to her glass on the bar. "I know you don't dance. But the question was, do you wanna dance with me?" And he embraces his condition as a brainless moron and takes her hand, letting her lead him to the dance floor.

Addison smiles as she rests her head on his shoulder when Mark wraps his arms around her waist. This may not be so bad, after all. She knows she's probably feeling more sure of herself than normal because that's the effect he has on her, but she's not about to go back to freaking out just because it seems like the normal thing to do. If swaying to the music with his arms around her makes her feel like there's nothing anyone in this room could say to bring her down, then she's not going to fight it. She's going to keep dancing and feeling safe. Because it's incredibly nice.

Mark, on the other hand, doesn't have so many complaints about the gala anymore. But then again, it's hard to find the energy to complain when your brain has stopped working. And, right now, with Addison – dressed-up Addison, in fact, with a dress that he can't wait to get off her – in his arms, feeling her breathing on his neck, seeing her tempting red hair and breathing in her familiar scent, there's nothing in the world that could make Mark want to complain. Not at all. "I'm glad Candy's gone." And he feels her smile against his shoulder after he speaks, and the night gets even better.

"Addison, do you have a moment?"

The Chief's voice makes Addison turn around to face him, and Mark steps slightly aside, giving her space. "Mrs. Donovan is one of our biggest contributors, and she wants to meet the star of the maternal wing." Addison smiles and follows him, with Mark following close behind. As Addison talks to Mrs. Donovan, he can't help but stare at her. It's been a long time since he's seen her in the professional part of her life – ever since he got his own practice and left the hospital – and he notices the small changes professional Addison has gone through in the past four years.

She smiles more than she used to, probably because she feels more at ease in these situations. Her hands move following the rhythm of her voice, but she's not fiddling with them, and he wonders if it really is a change or if it's just because she's not wearing her glasses. Her voice is steady too, and it flows naturally, which is a big change from the forced steadiness of her voice in the first years as a surgeon.

"And this must be Dr. Shepherd, the famous neurosurgeon."

Mrs. Donovan smiles at him, and Mark guesses she's noticed the way he's been looking at Addison. "I'm Dr. Mark Sloan, I'm a plastic surgeon. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Donovan." Addison moves slightly away from him, looking uncomfortable. "He's one of the best. Dr. Shepherd is... not in town." Mrs. Donovan nods and raises her eyebrow at Mark, obviously thinking he's hovering over another man's wife. "Well, I'd love to meet him in the next gala. It was very nice meeting you, doctors." The older woman walks away, and Mark and Addison stay silent for a while, awkwardly standing next to each other.

"Let's go."

And Mark follows her towards the door, knowing there really is no point in staying there any longer.

The ride home is silent, with Mark focusing on the road and Addison looking out of her window. They're both thinking about the same thing, but they're not ready to voice those thoughts yet. He can't tell her he still feels guilty about this sometimes, and she can't tell him she still thinks about Derek from time to time. And it's probably the first uncomfortable silence they've shared in fifteen years, but neither of them is ready to break it.

Mark opens the door for her when they get to their apartment, and she takes off her coat, hanging it behind the door. "Have you talked to your lawyer yet?" And he knows it wasn't the best thing to say – it was probably the worst – but he figures the night is ruined anyway, so there's no point on saving it to ruin another one. "Not yet." He follows her into their room, trying not to raise his voice. Her nonchalant air is driving him crazy. "Are you planning on doing it anytime soon?" Addison takes off her dress, and for once Mark doesn't have to fight the urge to grab her and kiss her like there's no tomorrow. "Don't push it, Mark."

"Why not, Addison? Why can't I ask you when are you planning on getting a divorce?"

She puts on his old t-shirt, the one she uses to sleep, and sits on the bed, sighing before speaking again. "Because I don't know. I just... don't know." Mark doesn't move, he just keeps looking at her from his spot in the middle of the room. "You don't know? Then what am I doing here? If you don't know if you want to get a divorce, what the hell are we doing here?" Addison rubs her temples, trying to figure out a way to word what she wants to say. "I don't know! I don't know what we're doing. This is... I'm happy. I'm happy with you, you make me happy."

Mark shakes his head, looking down. It's not enough. "Do you love him?" Addison takes a moment to answer. "Yes." Mark tries not to grimace when he feels a tinge of pain. "Are you in love with him?" Addison answers immediately this time. "No." And Mark doesn't know what to say. "I don't get it. I'm trying here, Addie, but I don't... I just don't get it." She sighs and stands up, moving closer to him. "I shared one third of my life with Derek. We were in love, and I still love him, even though I'm not in love anymore. He has a part of me, and I have a part of him. That doesn't just go away because I've fallen in love with you."

He stays silent for a moment, taking in her words. "So I'll never be enough. I'll never be Derek." Addison shakes her head. "That's not what I said, Mark. I..." But he takes a step back when she tries to touch his arm. "I know damn well what you said. That you still love him, that you don't wanna get a divorce. That you want me to stick around and keep you entertained until he comes back!" He's beginning to raise his voice, and Addison has to make an effort not to yell back at him. "That is not what I said, and you know it! I'm asking you to wait until I'm ready to sign a paper that means my marriage is over. I'm asking you to understand it's not easy for me to do it!"

"It's not easy for me either, Addison! Do you think it's easy for me to be your dirty mistress because you don't care enough to get a fucking divorce!? Derek was my brother, dammit, and I'm living with his wife! Do you think I don't feel guilty!?" Mark's loud voice and the anger in his eyes make Addison's blood boil, and her voice finally matches his. "Well, maybe we should feel guilty! Maybe you are a dirty mistress, just like I'm an adulterous whore! Maybe it's just what we deserve!" Mark holds her gaze, his jaw clenched as he tries not to look away. "You didn't seem to feel all that guilty when you screamed my name in your husband's bed!" And he knows he's crossed the line as soon as she takes a step back, wincing slightly as if his words had literally hit her. "I don't want to look at you right now."

And she's gone.

Mark strips down to his boxers and gets into bed, wondering what just happened. He basically called Addison an adulterous whore. Which was too much, even for Mark Sloan. But then again, she told him he'd never be good enough, that she'll always love Derek, and that she doesn't want to get a divorce. Which was a pretty shitty thing to say, if you ask him. And now she's gone, and he doesn't really know what to do with himself. Screwing a nurse sounds like a good idea, but it's almost 2 a.m, so he'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Since sex with a nurse is off the table, Mark decides getting drunk is the next best thing, and walks downstairs to see if he has some liquor. He steps into the living room and looks into the cabinet where he keeps the alcohol, frowning at the lack of bottles inside.

"It's in the kitchen. Under the sink."

Her voice startles him, and he looks around to find her laying on the couch. "What are you doing here?" Addison frowns slightly, apparently confused at his question. "I live here. Where am I supposed to be?" He shrugs and closes the cabinet. "I thought you'd left. You said you didn't want to see me." Addison sighs, knowing what he's thinking. "I didn't want to see you. Doesn't mean I don't ever want to see you again." He kneels next to the couch, looking at her. "We fought. We never fight."

"We're a couple, and couples fight. And it's okay." He smiles and leans in to kiss her, but she pushes him away. "You were an insensitive asshole, and I'm still pissed off." Mark frowns slightly as he thinks about what to say to make it better. "I'm sorry, Addie. I just... I'm an insensitive asshole. And you said you loved him, and I got jealous, and I would have punched him if he'd been there, but he wasn't, so I took it out on you. And I'm sorry. You're not an adulterous whore. You're an amazing person, you're selfless, generous and kind among other things."

Addison keeps glaring at him, but he can see her soften slightly at his words. "Keep going." And he smirks, because he knows it's all right. "You're smart, you're the star of Mount Sinai's maternity wing, you're fun and you have a gorgeous smile. And you're hot, and sexy and I love your hair. Oh, and you have the most amazing legs I've ever seen. And I've seen many legs." She giggles softly against her will, and he kisses her softly, smiling against her lips. "And I love you too."

She cocks her eyebrow at him, a questioning look on her face. "Too? I didn't tell you I love you." Mark smirks and nods, looking amused at her. "You did too. You said you fell in love with me." Addison takes a minute to remember, and she shrugs when she realizes he's right. "Don't let it go to your head." Mark chuckles and kisses her again, softly nibbling on her lower lip before pulling away. "So, we're a couple?" Addison smiles and nods, her fingertips tracing intrincate patterns on his chest. "And we fight, because that's what couples do, right?" She nods again, looking at him from her comfortable spot on the couch. "Do you know what couples do after fighting?" Addison shakes her head, smiling when he kisses her again before answering his own question.

"They have amazing make-up sex."


	6. There's No Second Chance

Disclaimer: I still don't own them.

* * *

**06 There's No Second Chance**

The sound of the alarm clock wakes Mark up, and he groans as he reaches for his bedside table to turn it off. He rolls over – as he does every morning – to pull Addison close to him, but his arm meets the mattress instead of Addison's warm body, and he opens his eyes with a yawn, propping himself up on his elbows to look around the room.

"Addie?"

She doesn't answer, and Mark sleepily gets up from the bed, walking towards the bathroom. "Addison? Are you in there?" He opens the door after knocking, but she's not inside, and he puts on his boxers before walking out of the room. She has a c-section scheduled today, but it's not until noon and she never goes to the hospital before she has to. And yes, he's well aware of the fact that knowing when she has her surgeries is another step towards becoming a textbook boyfriend, but he can't say he cares. Well, he does care. He'd rather eat his own arm than let anyone know he's "that guy" now. But no one knows, so he can live with it.

It's one of those little secrets he has. Normal men – men who aren't Mark Sloan – hide the fact that they flirt with other women when their girlfriends aren't around, or the fact that they wait until their girlfriends are asleep to roll away and sleep without having to cuddle with them. But not Mark Sloan. No. Addison – and everyone else, for that matter – knows Mark flirts with other women when she's not around. She also knows he isn't a fan of cuddling, because he told her so. Those aren't the kind of secrets Mark Sloan has to keep.

What Addison doesn't know is that he sometimes watches her sleep, because he still can't believe he's lucky enough to be able to do it. She also doesn't know that he loves it when she snuggles into him while he's watching a game, even though he groans and tells her she's annoying the hell out of him. Addison doesn't know that he sometimes wishes they'd take their time with the foreplay and the cuddling, because – as much as he likes what they do – it always feels as if they don't have time. It feels like an affair, and he thinks they deserve more. But he knows better than to push it. She needs time, and he'll give it to her.

"Morning."

Mark smiles relieved when he sees her sitting at the kitchen table. He knows it's ridiculous to freak out every time she's not there when he wakes up, but he really can't help it. She's still married, after all, and he keeps waiting – against his will – for Derek to come back and ask her for another try, or for Addison to find out where he is and leave him to ask Derek for a second chance. Mark has never been an insecure guy. He gets every single woman he wants. But, with Addison, he's not so sure he actually got her. She said it herself, Derek has a part of her, and Mark doesn't know how important that part is.

"Hey." And he kisses the top of her head before pouring himself a cup of coffee. "Why are you up so early?" She shrugs slightly, fingering the glass of water on the table. "I was sick. Must have been the shrimps." Mark takes a sip of his coffee and puts his hand on his forehead, frowning slightly in concentration. "I ate shrimps too, and I'm fine. What are the symptoms?" Addison lets out a small chuckle and smiles up at him. "Vomiting and dizziness, Dr. Sloan. I think I'll live."

"You better. We have a date tonight." She smiles and takes a sip of her water before replying. "Right. A real date with food and wine, I'm excited." He kisses her softly and smirks when he pulls away. "You should be. I'll even feel you up to make it feel more like a real date." She laughs and playfully pushes him away, standing up to emphasize her point. "You're nasty." Mark grabs her around her waist when he walks past him and pulls her down on his lap, earning one of those girly squeals he likes so much but she almost never lets out. "I may be nasty, but you still love me, don't you?"

Addison doesn't answer, but she kisses him instead, and when her tongue traces his lower lip, he chooses to take it as a yes. That's another thing he's noticed about her. She doesn't say she loves him. She answers with a "you too" when he tells her he loves her, and she always replaces the three words with a warm smile and a soft kiss, so he doesn't complain. It would be nice to hear her say it, but he knows she's not ready. And, after their fight a few nights ago, he's not going to push it. He's taking things one day at a time.

And today is a very good day.

Because today he's taking her out on their first official date. A real date. Not a friendly dinner, or a walk to the nearest deli to buy some sandwiches to eat at home. A real date. With the nice clothes, nice wine and the best restaurant in Manhattan. The one she loves. He made the reservations two weeks ago – it normally takes months to get a table, but he's Dr. Sloan and he's practically built the manager's body from scratch – and he hopes she'll appreciate the gesture. Because, really, he wants to show her he can be a gentleman if he wants to.

But, right now, when she's kissing him in a way that lets him know they'll definitely be late for work if he plays his cards well, he figures it's not really the best moment to be a gentleman. And, let's face it, with the way she's pressing herself against him, he barely remembers his name, let alone the rules he's supposed to follow to be considered a gentleman. And so, he slides his hands under the shirt she's wearing, smiling against her lips when his hands find her breasts and she lets out a small sigh.

Addison's hands travel down his chest and stomach and her fingertips slide under the waistband of his boxers, and Mark is half-way through pulling off her shirt when she suddenly pulls away and gets off him, running towards their bedroom. After a moment of confussion, Mark goes after her and frowns when he sees her kneeling beside the toilet. He holds her hair back until she finishes, and helps her up when she's done, handing her her toothbrush and a towel. "Are you all right?" Addison nods and waits while he puts toothpaste on her toothbrush. "Do you want me to call the hospital? Tell them you need the day off?" Addison shakes her head. "I don't need the day off, I'm fine. I don't have a fever, it must be something I ate."

Mark isn't too convinced, but he knows how she is when she's sick, so he decides to humor her and pretend he believes her. "Ok, if you're sure. He looks at his watch and turns on the shower, smirking at her. "I have to get ready. Wanna join me?" But Addison shoots him a disgusted glare, the toothbrush still in her mouth, and he takes it as a noo. "Forget I asked." And she finishes brushing her teeth and leaves the bathroom when he takes off his boxers.

That's yet another thing that worries him a bit sometimes.How they still knock begorewalking into a room, and they never change in front of each oher. Not that they haven't been naked around each other plenty of times. But only before, during or after sex. Not while they're getting changed, or taking a shower. Unless they're showering together, that is. It's yet another small detail that makes him feel like they're not getting the whole relationship package. And, as much as he hates it when it happens, those small details always bring her marital status – and her husband – into his mind.

It's funny how Derek is now "her husband" in his mind. At first, he was Derek, that annoyingly geeky kid that always followed him around in the playground. And then he became Derek, his best friend. And, eventually, Derek, his brother. Years later, Addison, Derek's crush, came into the picture. And then they were his brother Derek and Addison, his girlfriend. Soon they became his brother Derek and Addison, his wife. And some years later, they were his brother Derek and just Addison. Addison. Because there were no words to describe what she was to Mark. Addison, his other best friend? His inappropriate crush? The only woman he ever loved? Just Addison. And now, they're Addison – his Addison, when no one can hear him – and her husband.

And Addison – just Addison – arrives at the hospital a few hours later, her stomach finally settled and her face fresh-looking as ever thanks for an expertly applied layer of make-up. _"Must have been the shrimps."_ Because, let's face it, after years of living on take-out and leftovers, she's pretty sure there's nothing in the world that would be able to upset Mark's stomach. So him feeling all right proves nothing when it comes to the shrimps being edible or not.

She walks into her office to change into her scrubs, and she's just opened her locker when the door opens after a knock and she hears a familiar voice behind her. "Are all the surgeons around here this hot? Because I may have to ask for a job." She chuckles as she turns around to face Mark and his famous smirk, eyeing her appreciatively and leaning against the doorframe. "What are you doing here? Didn't you have a surgery?"

"As of half an hour ago, there's a new set of perfect boobs in Manhattan."

She chuckles again and he closes the distance between them, placing his hands on her hips when he reaches her. "I knew you had a surgery, so I thought I'd stop by and wish you good luck." He says it like only he can do it, mixing the sweet words with a dirty smirk that makes the whole thing deliciously not sappy. Just like everything about him. "Did you bring cocoa?" He tries not to laugh at her raised eyebrow and obviously fake stern voice. "I brought myself. I'm better than chocolate." And she pretends to ponder the truth in those words before speaking again. "Well, chocolate triggers the release of endorphins." He lets out a chuckle, his breath tickling her skin. "You know what else triggers the release of endorphins?" And Addison shakes her head, even though she knows what he's going to say.

"Hot sex."

And, because it's true – and also because his body is pressing hers against her locker and his tongue has just slid between her lips – she decides Mark is definitely better than chocolate and lets him lift up her skirt and slide his hands up her thighs. She smiles against his lips when he discovers she's wearing stockings and lets out an appreciative groan, and her fingers move to his waist, fiddling with his belt, impatient to free him from his pants.

"Dr. Montgomery, Mrs. Wallace is ready to... oh."

And the two surgeons turn around to see the young intern frozen mid-sentence, mouth slightly open as she looks from her boss to the sexy surgeon from last month, her cheeks turning redder by the second. "I'll be right there, Dr. Martin." Addison's voice – surprisingly normal-sounding considering the far from normal situation – makes the intern snap out of it, and she mumbles an apology before hurrying out of the office, shutting the door on her way out.

"You didn't close the door!?"

Mark keeps laughing even after she smacks his arm. "It's not funny, Mark. That inter is friends with the nurses. The whole city will know about this by the end of the day." He's still laughing, and Addison squirms away from him, straightening her clothes. "Get out. I need to go back to work." And Mark glances down for a second before speaking again. "I'm gonna need a second to... calm down." It's Addison's turn to laugh now, but Mark frowns at her, trying to make her stop. "Don't laugh. It's the second time today. This is just unhealthy." Addison grabs her scrubs from her locker and smiles at the pitiful look on his face. "Eyes on the prize, Sloan. We have a date tonight."

And he's smiling when she leaves him with a wink.

Addison meets Savvy at the cafeteria a few hours later, after a successful surgery and ready for their daily lunch date. She sits down next to her friend, and Savvy takes a sip of her water before looking around them. "Why is everyone staring?" Addison shrugs and pokes her salad with the plastic fork, feeling her stomach complain again. "An intern caught me with Mark today." Savvy laughs and shakes her head. "Oh, so that smell is the bitter scent of pure, undiluted envy. Nice."

The two friends keep laughing for a while – Savvy pointing out one of the nurses looked green sent Addison into a second fit of giggles – and Addison manages to calm down before speaking again. "So, how's the baby-making going?" Savvy and Weiss have decided to start their family, and Addison can barely control her excitement. Good people deserve good things, and Savvy and Weiss are definitely the best people she knows.

"Still no luck. I think we should try monitoring my cycle. How does that work, anyway?" Addison gives her friend a very detailed speech about the science behind period math, but Savvy interrupts her when she starts talking about hormones with unpronounceable names. "I don't speak doctor, Addie. Try again in English." Addison chuckles and apologizes before trying again. "Ok, let's take me, for example. To know when I'm ovulating, I take the date of my last period, which was..."

"Oh, my God."

Savvy looks at her in confusion for a moment before everything clicks in her head. "My God, Addie, are you..." But Addison stands up, looking like she's about to have a heart attack. "I don't know! I... I don't know. I have to go. I'll call you later." And Addison walks away before Savvy can say anything else.

An hour later, Addison sits at her desk, trying to calm down. But it's hard when there are four pregnancy tests – four _positive_ pregnancy tests – in her purse. And she doesn't know what to do. After almost an hour of intense thinking, she only has one plan: have an abortion, don't tell Mark. And she hates that plan. But every time she tries to come up with a plan B, her mind goes back to square one. Have an abortion, don't tell Mark.

She's going insane, and so she decides to do the only thing that makes her mind focus when she's having one of her flip outs. Working. And she buries herself under a mountain of paperwork and a long line of surgeries that will keep her focused for as many hours as she needs.

She walks into the apartment at four in the morning, exhausted but relaxed, and still without a plan B. She gasps, startled, when she sees Mark sitting on the couch, staring at the silent tv in front of him. "Hey, why are you up so late?" Mark looks at her, and the icy glare he shoots her makes her hesitate before walking towards him. "I called you a million times, but I got the voicemail every single time. I went to the hospital, but they told me you were busy. So I went home to get ready for the date, but you never came. I was just waiting for you to get here and explain what the hell happened today."

"Oh."

The date. She hadn't even thought about it. "I'm sorry, Mark. I had surgeries." Mark stands up, his jaw clenched, and it's obvious that he's making an effort to stay calm. "You delivered seven babies tonight. Seven regular c-sections. Seven surgeries that would normally be handled by residents, not by the head of neonatal. Try again, Addison." She sighs before talking again, knowing she's messed up. "I forgot about the date. I'm sorry." And his voice is even colder than his eyes when he speaks again. "You never stay at the hospital without a reason. You don't spend the night in the OR unless you have to. That's not you. What the hell is going on, Addison?" And she knows he's right, so she does the only thing she knows how to do when someone corners her. She fights back.

"I've already told you I'm sorry, Mark! Stop whining as if you were my neglected wife!" If Mark was having trouble controling his voice, hearing her yell at him makes him decide to not even try anymore. "Well, you're acting like your fucking absent husband, so you tell me how else I'm supposed to act!" And he's gone too far yet again, but he doesn't care. As far as he is concerned, right this moment, she deserves it. "Do you want to know what's wrong, Mark? Do you!?" And he barks a "yes" while she opens her purse and throws four small boxes at him, with enough force to make a small "ow" escape his lips. It takes him a moment to figure it out, and then he looks from the boxes to her. He doesn't say a thing, and she knows plan A is already screwed, so she decides there's no point on being subtle anymore.

"I'm pregnant."


	7. I Just Can't Get It Right

**07 ****I Just Can't Get It Straight**

There's something to be said about on-call rooms: normal people wouldn't be able to sleep in them.

The beds are unnervingly squeaky, the mattresses are so thin you can feel every single spring digging into your back, and the door opens ridiculously often, signaling a new person that walks into the room and lays on one of the beds. One of the very squeaky beds. Interns and residents are always so sleep-deprived they could probably fall asleep leaning against a wall, so they don't have a problem sleeping in on-call rooms.

But, when your shifts don't last over thirty hours, you just can't sleep there. Which is why – in Addison's opinion – God invented offices. And couches. Because, when the usually well-rested head of neonatal surgery needs to sleep at the hospital, she needs the comfortable couch in her silent office. Being the boss has its perks, after all.

She can't say she's slept too much when a knock on the door startles her awake, but at least she's slept a bit, and that's more than she would have been able to say if she'd had to sleep in the on-call room. She gets up from the couch and stifles a yawn as she walks towards the door, straightening the scrubs she wore to sleep. Addison opens the door to find the chief of surgery standing in front of her, a look of concern on his face. "Chief?"

"Addison. How long have you been at the hospital?" She doesn't answer straight away. "What time is it?" Dr. Green looks at his watch and sighs before speaking again. "10 p.m." Addison shrugs slightly. "Around thirteen hours." The chief shakes his head. "Leaving for an hour doesn't count as leaving." And she looks down, feeling like an intern that's gotten into trouble. "Thirty-three hours." Dr. Green sighs again. He can't afford to have the star of his service exhausting herself for nothing. "What's wrong, Addison?"

"I'm fine."

And it's obvious that the chief doesn't buy it, but she knows the woman in front of him well enough to know she won't talk if she doesn't want to. "Go home, Addison. Get some sleep." And she answers with a nod before closing the door and walking back to the couch. Home. That's a pretty confusing concept for Addison right now.

Home, as in the house with her name on the mailbox? The one where she cheated on her husband with his best friend? The one that's been empty for two months? No. Home, as in wherever her husband lives? The place no one will tell her about? That's not home either. Home, as in Mark's apartment? The one where she had her last fight with him? That doesn't feel too much like home at the moment.

"_I'm pregnant."_

_And, for once, Addison couldn't read the expression on Mark's face. There was shock, definitely. And anger. But she didn't know if it was because of their fight or because of the news. And then, there was something else. Something she couldn't pinpoint. Disappointment? Indignation? She didn't know. And, even though she feared what he could say, she really wanted the heavy silence to end. But she had to wait a few more minutes for Mark to speak._

"_How can you be pregnant?"_

_There was no anger in his voice. Just sheer confusion. But she chose to take it as a rhetorical question. "We used condoms!" And, under different circumstances, she would have laughed at his high-pitched voice. Under different circumstances. "Not always, Mark..." And she knew it was the wrong thing to say even before he spoke again. "I thought you were on the pill!"_

_If he hadn't raised his voice, she would have stayed calm. Probably. But he did raise his voice, and she felt the accusation in his words almost as clearly as his anger. So she chose to not stay calm. If he wanted to do this the old-fashioned way – with the screaming, blaming and hurting – she was going to grant his wish. "Derek hadn't touched me in months, why the hell would I be on the pill!?" _

"_You should have told me!" Mark was apparently determined to make this be entirely her fault, and Addison wasn't going to let him get away with it. "Don't you dare blame me, Mark! This is not only my fault!" And he sat back down on the couch, rubbing his temples, trying to wrap his mind around the situation. "If you had told me, this wouldn't have happened. I would have been more careful. I can't deal with this. I didn't want this!"_

"_And you think I did!? I'm still married, for God's sakes!"_

"_Yes, you are!" And he stood up, with more anger in his eyes than she'd ever seen before, and Addison had to fight the urge to take a step back. She was holding her ground. "I know you're still married, you never let me forget about that! And I know you still love him! I know all that, Addison!" Her voice was steady when she spoke again. Because, when she's as insanely furious as she was then, she doesn't have the energy to raise her voice. "Don't go there again, Mark."_

"_No, I want to go there! If you still love him, then what the hell are you doing with me!?"_

"_Right now, Mark? I don't have a clue!" And he hid the hurt he felt behind another layer of rage. "Then maybe you shouldn't be with me!" Addison clenched her jaw and stood up straight. "Maybe you're right."_

_And she left._

No. Right now, that doesn't feel like home either.

She stayed at the hospital for three hours after that. Three hours to add to the sixteen that ended when she finally went home before the fight. Nineteen hours. In nineteen hours, she brought nine new babies into the world, and she gave two babies a new chance at life with her skilled scalpel. Eleven babies. And in those nineteen hours, she also made an appointment to finish her pregnancy. Because her life likes to play that kind of games. Some would say her life's ironic. She prefers to call it sadistic.

To be completely honest, she did change her mind. When she handed the last of those babies to the happy parents, and they told them they almost had an abortion, she changed her mind. Maybe they could be that couple. Maybe they could have a baby and live happily ever after. And she went home. Because it did feel like home fifteen hours ago.

"_Mark?"_

_She knew something was different the moment she walked into the apartment. She knew what was going on. Such a cliché. And she wondered if everyone feels the same right before walking in on something like this. She didn't put down her purse, and she didn't take off her coat. Something told her she wouldn't be staying too long._

_She walked into the living room first, hoping he'd had the decency to respect their ed. But, then again, who was she to judge, right? She thought about taking a moment to plan her big entrance, but she decided against it. Her plans always tended to go to hell anyway, so improvisation would work just as well._

"_Addison!"_

_And she found herself smirking slightly at the sight in front of her. The irony. Three months earlier she'd been in Mark's situation, and here she was now. Wearing her coat and staring at the couple in her bed. Karma at its finest. And she thought that maybe she should grab all of his clothes and throw them outside. Because, in her experience, that's what one does in this situation. But then again, the lack of rain and the morning light would probably take away from the dramatic performance. And she was pretty sure she wasn't strong enough to throw mark out of the house. Maybe there are different rules when it's a woman finding the cheating couple._

_She stayed silent as the blond woman grabbed her clothes and hurried out of the room. "See you at work, Nurse Charlene." And seeing the sheer horror and humiliation in the woman's face was worth the bitter taste the words had left in Addison's mouth. Dr. Montgomery didn't have a reputation as a bitchy boss for nothing._

_Addison waited until she heard the door of the apartment close behind the other woman before looking at Mark. This was surprisingly painful. She didn't know she loved him enough for this to hurt so much. _

"_Goodbye, Mark."_

_He grabbed her wrist before she could reach the door, and once again she wondered if there were rules for these situations. She couldn't have held Derek back even if she'd tried. She vaguely remembered some woman from a movie slapping the hell out of her cheating husband, but Addison didn't think that would work. She was far too classy for that._

_She looked at him, but she didn't speak. She wished he'd let her go already. She could only hold back the tears for so long, and didn't want to cry in front of him. She'd been the one who cried when Derek found them in bed, and it seemed unfair to have to be the one who cried when she was the one doing the finding too. "Don't go, Addie. Please." _

"_If you go now, we don't stand a chance."_

_And here she was, thinking she'd been original when she begged Derek to stay. As it turned out, those seemed to be the standard words after you've been caught cheating. But that was not the point. The point was, she had to make a choice. Stay and fight for them, or leave and send it all to hell. She'd made that choice before. Years earlier, when she toyed with the idea of getting a divorce after not seeing Derek for week. She chose fighting back then. And look how well that ended. _

"_We never stood a chance, Mark. I have a husband. This was an affair. I'm not blaming you. We never saidwe were exclusive, and there's no rule that says mistresses have to stay faithful." Mark winced at her words, and she knew she was hurting him. But she also knew she was tired of fighting. She was just exhausted. She just wanted to stop._

"_This was a mistake."_

Fourteen hours later, she's still at the hospital. It's been thirty-three hours since she walked into her office and he wished her good luck before her surgery. She was happy thirty-three hours ago. And now it's all gone. No more Mark. No more home. And, ten days from now, no more pregnancy.

She hasn't cried yet, and she finds it pretty stupid. She cried for weeks after Derek left. She lost an absent husband and a broken marriage, and it made her cry for weeks. And now – now that she's lost everything except for her job – she hasn't even shed a tear. Maybe it's just too much. Maybe it's some kind of self-defense mechanism, like victims with multiple traumas. Maybe the amount of pain she's feeling is just too much to process, and that's why she's not crying.

The sound of her phone derails her train of thought, and she answers after checking to see it's not Mark. "Addie?" She recognizes the voice, but she can't hide the confusion in her voice when she answers. "Weiss?" And she knows something's wrong. Because Weiss wouldn't break the moronic honor code for nothing.

"Can you come over? It's Savvy's mom."


	8. I Need To Take Control

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

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**08 ****I Need To Take Control**

It's a known fact that doctors don't treat family members.

It's also a known fact that Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd thinks that rule is stupid and makes no sense. As a surgeon, she's been trained to work under pressure, to keep her distance, and to always leave feelings and emotions outside the OR. When you follow those rules – when you become the best at what you do – there's absolutely no reason not to treat family members. And she should know. Ten of her nieces and nephews – Derek's nieces and nephews – were born inside her OR. If you're a professional, there's no reason not to treat family members.

At least, that's what she used to think. Right now, she finally understands the reason behind that rule. It's not there to protect patients. It's to protect doctors. To protect them from the situation Addison is living right now. "What do you think, Addie?" And Addison looks up from the chart and sees her best friend of thirty years looking at her with a mixture of hope and resignation in her eyes. Addison takes a moment before answering her question. A moment to push all her feelings aside and focus on the facts.

"I'm sorry, Savvy."

And she wants to add the usual "I did everything I could", but it would be a lie. She didn't get to do anything. But, by the looks of the chart in her hands, whoever treated her really did everything they could. She also wants to walk towards her friend and hug her – both to comfort Savvy and to comfort herself – but Weiss has never left her side, and she knows no one could do a better job at soothing her best friend. And that's when she realizes being a doctor and a family member at once is not really a good idea.

Because, as a doctor – as Linda Walker's doctor – Addison has the obligation to stay calm and provide her daughter and her son-in-law with all the information they need. But, as a person – as a person who grew up playing with Linda's daughter and eating Linda's cookies – she needs someone to hug her and tell her everything's going to be fine. And that's not going to happen, so she decides to focus on being the professional Addison and waits for Savvy to calm down, ready to answer every question she may have.

"Are you sure there's nothing you can do?"

She was expecting that question, but deep down, she was hoping Savvy wouldn't ask. She doesn't like admitting she can't fix everything. She hates the fact that being the best isn't enough sometimes. Addison shakes her head, slowly, and Savvy looks down. "I know it's what she wanted, but..." Savvy's voice breaks again, and Addison has to make an effort to stay calm. "It still hurts. I know, sweetie." Does she? Not really. She can imagine, though. She's seen it countless times. Patients who never signed a DNR form, but told their children or spouses they didn't want to be kept alive hooked to a machine. And then those children and spouses having to sign a consent form to take the patients off life support.

Savvy signs the consent form after a few minutes, and Addison gives her friend's arm a reassuring squeeze before walking out of the room. "Addie?" And she turns around, willing herself to hold back the tears for a little bit longer. "She would have wanted you here. You're part of the family." She nods and walks back into the room, standing next to Weiss and Savvy. She is part of the family.

Not trying to make Linda's heart start beating again after Dr. Barrett removes the tube from her throat is probably one of the hardest things Addison's ever done. As a doctor, she has to follow her patient's wishes and let her go in peace. As a person, though, the only thing she wants to do is jump onto that bed and massage, shock and punch her heart until it starts beating again. She's thankful for Dr. Barrett leaving the room shortly after, giving them some privacy, but she immediately changes her mind when she realizes she's now Linda's doctor again.

"Time of death, 2.13 a.m"

Her voice cracks on the last syllable, and she wipes away the few tears that managed to roll down her cheeks. Doctors shouldn't treat family members.

Two days later, Addison stands next to Savvy, looking down at the grass under her feet as the priests says words that are meant to be comforting, but they aren't. Or maybe they would be, if she was listening. But all she can hear is her own voice calling Linda's time of death. She should be used to it by now. To calling times of death, and to lose people she loves. But something tells her she'll never get used to either feeling.

Savvy steps forward when the priest finishes talking, and Addison makes an effort to listen. She feels like she owes it to Savvy. For not being able to perform a miracle and bring back her mother after they declared her brain dead. For calling the time her mother stopped living. She doesn't feel guilty, and she knows Savvy doesn't blame her. She feels useless. And, as a surgeon and a friend, that's the worst feeling there is.

"My mother was an extraordinary woman." Savvy starts talking, and Addison looks up to meet her eyes, silently telling her she's got her back. "She inspired me, and everyone else, to follow our dreams. To fight. To take life in our own hands and make things happen." Addison nods at her words. Linda, the woman who played the role of Addison's mother since she was a little girl, really was an extraordinary woman.

"She was strong, confident and brave. She was caring and loving, and she taught me how to be a better person. She was optimistic and full of life, and she taught me that, when life hands you lemons, you throw them at the mean people and hope you get them in the eyes." Savvy lets out a small chuckle, and Addison smiles at the memories of Linda cheering her up with an inspiring saying, a warm cookie and a kiss on the top of her red head.

"My mother spent her whole life teaching me. Until the very last second, she was an example and an inspiration. She's made me see we can't take life for granted. We don't get unlimited chances. She's made me see that, when you want something, you have to take the chance whenever life gives it to you. Because, if you let it pass, if you wait until the time is right, you may not get a second chance." Addison can't hear Savvy's next words, because she's too busy controlling her sobs. She looks down again, watching her tears hit the grass, and she listens to Savvy's words echoing in her head.

"_You may not get a second chance."_

Addison stays behind when everyone leaves, looking at Linda's name written in golden letters on the small grey stone. She's done this far too many times before. Linda Walker, and a date that means nothing when she knows the exact time it happened. Linda Walker, beloved mother. And she suddenly feels a rush of gratefulness towards Weiss, because she knows he's probably holding Savvy right now, making sure she's all right. And, considering the amount of pain she's feeling for the loss of a woman that wasn't even her mother, she can imagine her best friend needs Weiss more than ever right now.

"_You may not get a second chance."_

And, right that second, she decides to follow Linda's teachings one last time. Because, in her experience, Linda is always right. She was right when she told her those stupid kids who called her carrot top would envy her red hair when they grew up. She was right when she told her to stop crying, because puberty would end sooner or later, and she'd be glad to have such long legs. She was also right when she told her she'd become the best at whatever she chose to do. The list of things Linda had been right about was long enough to fill a few notebooks, and Addison thought it was safe to assume she was right about this too. And she decided to take life in her own hands.

"_You don't get unlimited chances."_

She's not surprised when she walks towards her car and sees Mark waiting for her, holding a cup that she's sure contains warm cocoa. He's always been good at sensing when she needs someone, and he's also good at being that someone for her. It feels oddly familiar, like the old times. Derek should have been here today, with his arm around her, supporting both his wife and their best friends. But once again, Derek's nowhere to be seen, and once again, Mark is there to catch her when she falls. Everything else – adultery, fights, unplanned pregnancy and more adultery – aside, they're still Mark and Addison, and they're still friends.

"I'm keeping the baby."

For some reason, Mark doesn't look surprised when she greets him with those words, and she wonders if he's heard her. "I'm keeping the baby, and you can be as involved as you want. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." He hands her the warm beverage, and she thanks him with a weak smile. "I don't want to lose you, Addie." She shakes her head, taking a sip of cocoa. "You won't. Whatever you decide to be for the baby, you'll still be my friend." He nods sadly, and she knows how he feels. "Your friend." His voice is barely above a whisper, and her heart breaks a little for everything that could have been. In another life, maybe.

And she hugs him before walking to her car.

Her phone rings the moment she sits on the leather seat of her car, and she smiles when she sees the name on the screen. "Addie?" The warm voice of her mentor almost makes her start crying again, and she decides to rent a sad movie and let it all out tonight, because this is getting ridiculous. "Richard, how are you? How's Adele?" Addison feels him smile on the other end of the line, and she allows herself to forget everything that's changed since she was Richard's favorite intern. "We're both fine. How are you, Addison?"

"I'm fine." And she's sure Richard doesn't buy it, but she also knows he won't push it. Because he's Richard, and he has a gift for knowing when to pretend he believes whatever lies people throw his way. "I'm happy to hear that. Listen, a TTTS case is coming in in a few days, and I was wondering if you could come over for a consult. I hear you had an amazing teacher who turned you into the best neonatal surgeon in the country." Addison chuckles at his words, and nods as if Richard could see her. "I don't know about the teacher, but I'm definitely the best. I'll be there, Richard." He pauses for a second, and she knows she's not going to like whatever he says next.

"I'm sure you already know this, but Derek's working here now."

Of course. This is Addison's life we're talking about. Of course Derek's working there right now. "I... didn't, actually." And Richard sighs, and she knows Derek is probably acting as if nothing happened. Riding those damn ferryboats she hates so much – because when you spend eleven years married to a man who's worryingly obsessed with ferryboats, you end up hating them – and being Dr. Derek Shepherd, brilliant neurosurgeon with a mysterious past. Because, if Richard thought she knew where he was, he definitely wasn't being too open about his marriage and its last hours.

"I understand if you don't want to come..." But Addison interrupts him. She's taking life in her own hands. "No, I'll be there. I am the best, and my marriage has nothing to do with that." And Richard can only tell her the day she needs to be there before she tells him she has to leave. Addison looks at the phone in her hand for a few moments after his conversation with Richard, and she finally dials a number and brings the phone to her ear. "Brian? It's Addison." And she continues before her lawyer – and old friend – can start making small talk.

"I'm getting a divorce."


	9. Here Stands An Experienced Girl

Disclaimer: I still don't own them.

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**09 Here Stands An Experienced Girl**

"Derek's lawyer said they're all right. You just have to sign them."

Addison looks at the papers on the desk and nods slowly. It's surreal how easy it is to end eleven years of marriage. Just a signature, and she won't be Derek's wife anymore. No more Montgomery-Shepherd. No more Derek and Addison. No more being a Shepherd. Just a signature, and Derek won't be her family anymore. "Thank you, Brian." The older man shakes his head and offers her a small smile. He's known Addison since she was a tiny girl with pigtails that visited her father's law firm and drew colorful pictures to decorate the dark wood walls of their offices.

"Have you talked to him yet?" Addison shakes her head softly, still looking at the papers in front of her, and for a second Brian thinks she's six years old and asking him for advice on how to tell her father about her latest incident in the playground, like she did all those years ago. She takes the papers from his desk and stands up straight, thanking him again before hugging him briefly and leaving with a small goodbye and a promise to have dinner with him and his wife one of these days.

She still hasn't talked to Derek.

Not that she hasn't tried. She dials his number for the third time today as soon as she gets into her car, and she sighs when he rejects her call. It's the third time today, and she's oddly comforted by the sound of him rejecting her call. At least he's acknowledging she exists, even if it is only to avoid her. After five years of talking to the pre-recorded voice of her husband telling her to leave a message after the beep, rejected calls feel almost personal to Addison. At least this way she gets a reaction out of him, and that's a nice change from the endless unanswered voice mails.

She arrives at her office a few minutes later, and she puts the papers in her suitcase before sitting at his desk to make sure all her paperwork is done. Thinking logically, she knows her service will survive for a couple of days without her. But Addison's never been good at delegating, and leaving her service in someone else's hands while she's on the other side of the country is driving her slightly insane. And she can't think logically when she's going insane.

So she goes over her paperwork for the fifth time today, sticking neon green post-its with vital instructions – "Please don't let Mrs. Thomas talk you into not doing a c-section" and "Baby Johnson doesn't like bright lights" are some of them – but she can't finish re-reading her last chart before she hears a knock on the door. Mark walks into her office seconds later, and Addison leaves the chart on her desk.

"Do you have a moment?"

Addison nods, and Mark walks towards her after closing the door behind him. "I've been thinking about what you said about the baby." Addison stays silent, letting him talk. "I'm not ready for a baby. I don't think I can be a good father, and kids should have good parents." She nods softly, not really surprised. She was expecting him to say something like that.

"But I went to a Yankees game with Weiss last night, and there was this couple there with their kid. He was a pain in the ass. He cried and fussed and he wouldn't sit still for five seconds straight. A royal pain in the ass. But he was a cute kid, and then Weiss said he looked a lot like both of his parents, and it got me thinking." Mark isn't looking at Addison, and she thinks he looks like he's talking to himself. As if he was trying to convince himself as much as her.

"So I realized, this is not about a baby. It's about our baby. And it's bad timing – awful timing – but hey, it's our kid, and he takes it from both of us. So, while I still think I'm not ready for a baby, I also know if there's one baby in the world I could see myself getting ready for... that's ours. And I want it to be a Yankees fan and come with me to games. I know I'm not gonna be named father of the year, but I'm gonna do my best." He waits for Addison to say something, but she stays silent, and he decides to keep talking.

"So I bought this." He hands her a bag, and she tries her best not to cry. "It's a Yankees onesie. Because I know you're gonna buy the whole Fifth Avenue before you hit the second trimester, but I figured the baseball paraphernalia is the father's job. And a calendar, because you're always saying pregnant women forget even their own name, so I thought you could use it to mark the due date and the appointments and all that stuff. So you won't forget." Addison sniffles and he chooses to pretend he doesn't notice, because he knows her well enough to know she doesn't appreciate people letting her know they can see her cry.

"Thank you, Mark. You're gonna be a great dad."

Mark smiles proudly for a moment before he senses the atmosphere getting too pink and squishy and his usual smirk replaces the smile on his face. "Father. I'm gonna be a father. Being a dad is for sissies." And Addison chuckles as she wipes away the tears, because Mark is back, and she missed him. She carefully folds the onesie and places it on her desk next to the calendar. "I don't know the due date yet. I have an appointment in an hour, though, and then I'll know for sure."

One hour later, Addison tries to stop crying – she chooses to blame it on her hormones, because it's getting ridiculous – as she listens to their baby's heartbeat for the first time. She's heard the fluttery sound of an eight weeks old tiny heart countless times before, but this time is different. It's her baby's heartbeat. And she may be biased, but – in her professional opinion – her baby's may just be the most perfect heartbeat ever heard. And she knows Mark's thinking something along those lines when she sees a smile appear on his face as he listen to the amazing sound.

The doctor tells them the final due date and the baby's length and weight – the healthiest, most proportionate length and weight in the history of fetuses, if you ask Addison – and they leave the room a few minutes later, grinning widely as they walk towards Addison's office. "You know, I may be biased and all, but that was the cutest blob I've ever seen." Addison chuckles and agrees with him, but chooses not to tell him she's convinced said cute blob looks like her, because she knows he's going to laugh mercilessly at her.

"Wanna celebrate the blob's cuteness with a tasty decaf cappuccino?"

Addison smiles as she shakes her head. "I can't. I have to take a plane in three hours. I'm going to Seattle." He looks questioningly at her as they walk into her office. "Seattle? What's in Seattle?" Addison takes a deep breath before answering his question. "A case of TTTS... and Derek." Mark winces slightly when she says his name. "Oh." And she knows what he's thinking. "I have the divorce papers ready. I figured waiting makes no sense now that I know where he is." He visibly relaxes when he hears that. "Call me when you get there, ok?" She's thankful for him not pushing the subject, and she hugs him before grabbing her suitcase and walking out of the room.

"I will."

Addison dials Derek's number for the fourth time, and for the fourth time he rejects her call. She shakes her head and goes back to looking out of the window. "He's being an ass, sweetie. Don't let him get to you." Savvy's looking at the road in front of her, and Addison nods as she turns on the music. "I won't. I just want to go there, save some lives, sign the papers and come back home." Savvy smiles at her friend. "Nice plan."

Addison promises to call as soon as she lands in Seattle, and Savvy hugs her before her friend boards the plane. Addison finds her seat and grabs the divorce papers and her pen from her purse, reading them for the first time. When she finishes reading the three sheets of paper that explain – in a very technical way – the reasons and conditions of the end of her marriage, Addison holds her pen and hesitates for a moment, an overwhelming feeling of finality washing over her.

When she writes her signature on the dotted line above her name, she will officially end her marriage. Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd, MD will not be married anymore. She will not have a husband anymore. And she thinks, if she hasn't seen Derek in three months and she still thinks about him, maybe it means something. Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe there's still a chance for them to be Derek and Addison. Maybe he can forgive her.

And she doesn't sign the papers.

She arrives at the hotel, jet-lagged and exhausted, when the sun is setting in Seattle. After changing into her pajamas, she grabs her phone and dials Mark's number, but it rings before she can make the call. "Addie?" She smiles when she hears Richard's voice. "Richard. I just landed an hour ago. I'll be there in the morning." But he doesn't talk for a moment, and she hears him taking a deep breath before speaking again. "Addie, there's something you should know."

"Derek's seeing someone."

Addison can't focus on listening to Richard. Something about having just found out, an intern and understanding if she doesn't want to work on the case. Derek's seeing someone. Derek is seeing someone. He's moved on. "Thanks for letting me know, Richard. What time do you want me to meet you tomorrow?" Richard decides to follow her lead and forget he even mentioned Derek. "Actually, you're meeting Preston Burke, he's substituting me for a while while I recover from my surgery."

"Surgery? Are you all right? Why didn't you tell me!?" Richard chuckles slightly at Addison's freak-out. "I'm fine. I had a tumor, but I'm perfectly fine now. Don't worry." Addison makes a small disapproving sound. "I'll worry if I want to. Have you called Adele?" He shifts uncomfortably on the hospital bed before replying. "Not yet. Don't you go and call her now, Addie. You know how she is." Addison laughs and shakes her head. "Fine, I won't call her. But I'm visiting right this second. You won't get the nagging wife, but you're definitely getting the nagging friend."

After finally convincing Richard to tell her his room number, Addison opens her suitcase and takes a moment to think about what to wear. She could run into Derek, after all. It takes her almost half an hour to get ready, but she nods approvingly when she looks at herself in the mirror. Very New York City. Very Addison. Intimidatingly hot, if she may say so herself. And she may, she figures, because she has no one else to tell her how great she looks. Her hair looks gorgeous, her outfit makes her look great, and her shoes make her legs look impossibly long. The whole look screams "Look what you're missing, asshat", and that's exactly the message she wants to send.

She arrives at the hospital a few minutes later, and she heads for the elevators as soon as she gets there. She just wants to see Richard, catch up with him, and go back to the hotel to call Mark and Savvy and get some sleep before tomorrow. When she walks through the reception area, though, she sees something that makes her stop and stare. Her husband and his... whatever. Derek and a girl. A girl, because that can't possibly be called a woman. Or maybe she's just bitter because she looks at least ten years younger than herself, but that's not the point.

She's a girl.

Addison smirks the moment Derek sees her. Yes, that's exactly the reaction she was hoping for. Sheer horror. Almost panic. It hurts to see him with someone else, but making him squirm is a very nice way of dealing with the pain. She walks towards them as he apologizes to the girl, and she almost feels bad for her. She's cute. She almost wants to adopt her and give her a hug. But – in Addison's opinion – looking cute when your boyfriend's wife looks intimidatingly hot may just be the saddest thing she's ever seen. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, she's going to talk to him for the first time in three months, and she needs to focus so she won't cry, ramble or stutter.

"Addison. What are you doing here?"

He's trying to act as if he barely knows her, and Addison can't help but find it oddly adorable. Look at him, trying to fight the urge to call her an adulterous whore to keep his marital status secret. It scares her slightly just how little she cares about hurting him right now. If he wanted to move on, the least he could have done was to send her some divorce papers, right? But no, he just pretended she never existed and found himself a middle schooler to hang out with. So, technically, he was cheating on her.

"Well, you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls."

She's enjoying this. Seeing him try not to yell. Try not to grab her and throw her out. It's raining in Seattle, so it would be fitting. Throw the adulterous wife out in the rain. Except he's also scared, because he knows she has the power to let his little girlfriend know he's married. Married to an intimidatingly hot woman, to be more precise. And she decides to put him out of his misery, because waiting for it is definitely worse than the moment it happens.

"Hi. I'm Addison Shepherd."

So what if she hasn't used her married name in months? If using it allows her to see that look of confusion on the sweet girl's face, then she's going to use it. "Shepherd?" And the girl's hand goes limp on hers, apparently she's too confused to give a proper handshake. Addison knows revenge is not a nice feeling. She's not proud of herself. But if revenge is what will numb the pain of seeing her husband looking at another woman the way he hasn't looked at her in years, then revenge is what she'll take.

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."


	10. Crying's Not For Me

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. They all belong to Shonda.

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**10 Crying's Not For Me**

"_And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."_

Addison keeps her smile in place as she watches Derek's girlfriend's jaw drop slightly. This is definitely entertaining. "I... I have to go." And the girl hurries away, clearly trying not to cry in front of her boyfriend's wife. Poor girl. This whole mess really isn't her fault. Addison's slightly surprised when Derek doesn't run after the girl, but then again, that's never been his style. He's always been more of a run away kind of guy.

"Addison, what are you doing here?"

He talks to her as if he's seen her this morning. As if he's just annoyed at his wife for coming to work instead of waiting for him at home. And she has to fight the urge to whack him upside the head and scream he's been missing for three months. Not that she thinks that's going to make a difference. So she chooses to keep making him squirm, because at least that's entertaining. "Your hair's different."

"A lot of things are different."

And she could ask him if he really thinks having a girlfriend and ignoring her in Seattle instead of in New York qualify as a lot of things, but she doesn't feel like starting a fight right now. "It's longer. I like it. It's very Russell Crowe." And she can't suppress a smirk when he squirms away as she tries to run her fingers through his hair. She could focus on the pain she feels, but that would make it easier for him. So she decides to focus on how adorable he looks when he's trying to play the wronged man's part instead, because she knows he hates the fact that she's not begging for his forgiveness.

"What are you doing here?"

She could just tell him and be done with it, but that wouldn't be nearly as fun. "What are _you_ doing here? You just pick up and leave everything? Your house, your practice, your friends? You had a life in Manhattan." And she wants him to give her a good excuse for not being there when their best friends needed him. She already knows he's never liked the brownstone that much, and she honestly couldn't care less about his practice. She's hated his job for years. "Had." And his short, wannabe hurtful answer makes her want to reply with a "that's what I said, dipshit", but she doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her lose her cool.

"And now you have a girlfriend in Seattle. She seems sweet."

"The ice you're on. Thin." She knows she's hit a nerve. And she decides to push him a little further, see if he has the nerve to defend his girlfriend in front of his wife. "She's young. That whole wide-eyed, ooh-he's-a-brain-surgeon thing happening, but still. Sweet. Which was what you were going for, right? The anti-Addison?" She wants him to say yes. Hear him say he was indeed looking for the anti-Addison. Give her something she can take as a reaction to her sleeping with Mark.

"If you came out here to try and win me back, forget about it."

"_Yes, Derek. I can't live without you ignoring me and reminding me of your work being more important than me on a daily basis. Please come back to our joke of a marriage.__"_And she hates that she would probably say yes if he said he wanted to go back. She hates that he still has that power over her. But he doesn't have to know that. "I did. I flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed and make you realize you can't live without me. Relax, Derek. I'm here for work." And she hopes he got the hidden "you're not important enough to make me get on a plane, but my job is" message in her words. Just for the sake of payback. "I'm helping with the TTTS case you guys admitted last week, and from Richard's briefing, I should be..."

"Richard. He knew you were coming here?"

And she makes a mental note to be extra nice to Richard later. She knows she's always been his favorite. And not telling Derek she was coming shows it just as much as that time when Richard chose her over everyone else – including Derek – to be the first intern to scrub in on a real surgery. "He asked me to come. Didn't he tell you?" And her innocent voice could have fooled anyone. She's a good actress, thanks to Derek.

"No. He didn't." And she half-expects him to stomp his foot and throw a tantrum, like he did every time Richard favored her when they were residents. But he just glares at her, and she decides it's time to go see her mentor and let Derek go find his girl. "Hmm. Surprise. And she leans closer to him, whispering in his ear. For the sake of revenge. And she hopes he can smell her perfume, because she knows he's always had a thing for it.

"The hair, though. You know I've always had a thing for Russell Crowe."

She walks into Richard's room a few minutes later, and he smiles warmly at her, making her hate this city a little less than before. "How are you feeling?" And she places a small kiss on his bandaged forehead before sitting on his bed. "I'm feeling good. How are you feeling, Addie?" And she can tell he knows she's seen Derek and his girlfriend. Richard has always been able to read her mind. "I'm fine. Just a bit tired. By the way, Derek's girlfriend looks familiar. Do I know her?"

"She's Ellis Grey's daughter." That sure does explain the familiar look of the girl's face. "Really? Wow, that's..." Weird? Ironic? Uncomfortable? Her mentor's misstress' daughter is now her husband's mistress. Her other mentor's daughter is her husband's mistress. There are no words to describe it. "I know. I'm sorry about you and Derek, Addie." And she shakes her head softly, because she doesn't want to talk about that.

"The Chief sends his regards."

"I am The Chief here, don't forget that. And Green is still chief?" Addison chuckles at Richard's smirk. The rivalry between Dr. Green and Dr. Webber back in New York City was almost legendary. "I thought you would have substituted him by now." She laughs and shakes her head, remembering the day Dr. Green got the position and Richard told him to enjoy it before the neonatal resident kicked his ass and got his office.

"Remember the time when he told you to just tell that woman to push and stop whining about her husband?" They both laugh at the memory, and Addison tries to control her voice enough to keep talking. "And the husband was the..." But they both stop talking when Derek walks into the room. She wants to say something when she sees the way he's glaring at her, but she decides ignoring him will be even better. "Well, I will be back in the morning to report for duty."

"And you... get some rest."

Addison walks out of the room and is about to step into the elevator when someone calls her name. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" She turns around and looks questioningly at the man in front of her. "Excuse me, do I know you?" He smiles at her and shakes her hand. "I'm Dr. Burke, the Chief told me you were coming and asked me to make sure you had everything you needed ready for tomorrow." Addison smiles at him and nods at his words. "Actually, Dr. Burke, if it's not much trouble, could you make sure Dr. Grey works with me tomorrow?"

Burke smirks at the redhead, knowing she wants to screw with her husband's mind. "Of course, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. Consider it done." Addison tries to look innocent when she smiles again. "Thank you. And Dr. Shepherd is fine. The hyphenated last name is kind of a mouthful." Preston chuckles and shakes her hand again. "Looking forward to working with you, Dr. Shepherd." Addison smirks and walks into the elevator. "See you in the morning, Dr. Burke." If he's substituting Richard while he gets better, that means he beat Derek on the race for provisional chief. And that is – in Addison's opinion – enough to make her think of Preston Burke as her new best friend.

She arrives at her hotel room a few minutes later, and decides to wait until the morning to call Savvy and Mark, considering it's almost 10 p.m already in Seattle, which means it's 1 a.m in Manhattan. She changes into her pajamas and looks at the blue papers on the desk, wondering if she should just sign them and be done with it. She walks towards the desk and grabs her pen, but her phone rings before she can start reading her name under the dotted line. "Hello?"

"Addie! Damn, woman, where the hell have you been?"

She chuckles slightly at his worried voice. "I was at the hospital, sorry I didn't call earlier, Richard called and I wanted to go see him." She can feel him smile on the other end of the line when he speaks again. "I was kind of worried about you and Blob. Savvy called earlier, and she was all nonchalant about not having heard from you, but she made me freak out a bit. Especially because you didn't answer my calls." Addison smiles and lays on the bed, looking at the ceiling as she talks to her friend. "I'm sorry, I left my phone in... did you just call our baby Blob?" Mark chuckles at her words. "Well, it is a blob. You saw it. A very cute blob, but a blob nonetheless."

"Plus, I was beginning to feel slightly emasculated because of all the baby talk. Talking about blobs is much more masculine than talking about babies." And Addison can't help but laugh. "You'll never guess who I met tonight." She doesn't know if telling Mark about Derek's girlfriend is a good idea, but he's her best friend – except for Savvy – and she needs to talk to someone. "Derek's girlfriend." And Mark laughs for a few moments before he realizes she's not kidding. "Hold on, you're serious? He has a girlfriend?" Addison nods slowly. "And she's a skinny blonde, too. And young. She seems nice."

"Derek's always been stupid like that. How are you feeling, Addie?"

"I'm feeling better than I thought I would be. Which scares me a bit, because what kind of heartless bitch isn't heartbroken after meeting her husband's girlfriend, right? I don't know, Mark. I don't know how I'm feeling." He sighs and they stay silent for a while until he speaks again. "You're not a heartless bitch. You're just... numb, I guess. It happens." Addison shrugs slightly and rolls on her side to look at the rain rolling down the windows of her hotel room. "I feel like I should cry. But I'm not crying."

"He doesn't deserve you crying over him, Addie." She smiles at his words, but shakes her head as she speaks again. "Don't say that. He's still my husband." And he sighs, knowing she'll probably never allow him to put her before Derek. "I'm sorry, you're right. But still, I'm glad you aren't crying. You shouldn't cry when you're not within walking distance from your juju provider."

Addison laughs, and Mark smiles, happy to see he can still make her laugh. "I'll keep that in mind." And she looks at her watch before speaking again. "I should go to sleep, I have to be at the hospital early tomorrow. And I requested Derek's girlfriend as my intern." He chuckles at her words, shaking his head. "You're pure evil. Show her how it's done, Addie." She smiles and turns off the light, ready to go to sleep. "I will. Night, Mark."

"Good night, Addie."

Addison arrives at the hospital early the next morning, and she changes into her lucky salmon scrubs as soon as she sets foot in the attendings' locker room. She's noticed everyone in this hospital wears scrubs – which is, in her humble opinion, both stupid and unattractive – so she decides to do what everyone else does, trying to blend in a bit on her first day in Derek's territory. She keeps her curls, though, because she figures there's nothing wrong with having nice hair even when you're wearing salmon scrubs. And the fact that Derek has always had a thing for curly-haired Addison has nothing to do with it. Or so she keeps telling herself.

She sees Derek and Burke talking as soon as she walks out of the locker room, and she walks up to them as she flashes Dr. Burke one of her wide smiles. "Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Burke." He meets her smile with one of his own, and Addison decides he's very nice for a cardio surgeon. They're usually the worst when it comes to public relations. "You're never interrupting." And Addison decides he's also polite, and makes a mental note to have lunch with him some time. A nice and polite cardio surgeon is not someone you don't at least try to befriend.

"She's always interrupting."

There he is. Her husband, the apple of her eye. A childish neurosurgeon that's decided to play the victim card forever. Probably to keep the attention away from his five years of ignoring his wife. And she could snap back at him, but she decides she's above all that. "I was just checking to see if Dr. Burke secured the intern..." And then she sees her. Ellis Grey's daughter. And she tries to remember if she ever saw the brilliant surgeon's daughter when she spend a year studying under her in Boston, but she can't say she remembers. She doesn't even remember her name. "The intern you requested? He did."

And Addison smirks when both men leave them alone.

Addison doesn't talk to Grey as they walk towards the patient's room. She doesn't know how much she knows about their marriage, and she doesn't want to give her information. Information is power, and if there's someone you don't want to give power to, that's your husband's girlfriend. The blonde presents the case, and Addison has to admit she seems to be good at what she does. "Define TTTS." She tells herself it wouldn't be fair to let her go without testing her, considering she has a reputation as the toughest attending to work under back at Mount Sinai. "Twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Conjoined fetal twins."

Gold star for Grey. And Addison decides to push her a little further. "Connected by?" The younger woman looks sure of herself when she answers. "Blood vessels in the placenta." Nice. At least she's talented. She would have vomited a little in her mouth if Derek had found himself a brainless blonde bimbo. "Meaning?" And she knows she's caught her. Really, she's slightly disappointed. If she knew she was going to work with her boyfriend's wife, Addison would have made sure she knew everything she could possibly ask her. "One twin gets too much blood, the other too little, endangering the lives of both. I'd expect you to know that, Grey."

"They told me there wasn't much chance anything could be done."

Addison looks at the patient, smiling at her. She can sympathize. If something happened to Blob – and she cringes slightly at the nickname – she probably would be going insane. "TTTS is usually impossible to correct. Unless you happen to be one of a handful of surgeons in the world who knows how to separate fetal blood vessels. Which, luckily for you, I am." She's not usually this cocky, but what the hell. She's in a room with Derek's girlfriend, in Derek's hospital. She's allowed a bit of cockiness to help her stand her ground. "So we're gonna get you into surgery tomorrow. If you have any questions at all, please ask Dr. Grey. From what I have seen, she is one the hospital's most popular interns." And that may have been uncalled for, but hey, she's sleeping with her husband, and she can screw with her mind if she wants to.

They walk out of the room seconds later, and the intern leans closer to talk to her. "I could've answered your question had you given me the chance." But Addison doesn't believe her. She's always thought you don't really know something unless you can answer immediately. "Chin up, Grey. I'm this tough on everyone, not just the women my husband sleeps with." And it's true. She can ask all her interns in Manhattan. "Order an ultrasound for her and pre-op labs in full."

Addison walks towards the locker room when the intern's gone, but Derek stops her before she can walk inside. "Oh, hey, Derek." And her smile makes it look like they're just a couple that's run into each other at work. "Don't you hey Derek me, Addison." Addison crosses her arms across her chest, rolling her eyes slightly at her husband's glare. "Well, aren't we cranky today." And he leans closer to speak in his best angry voice. "That took a lot of nerve." And once again she wonders if he'll have the nerve to defend her in front of his wife. "Oh, come on, she came highly recommended." Addison can almost hear his blood boiling, and she smirks when Derek pulls her away as Burke comes near them.

"Right." And there it is again, Derek's amazing impersonation of an annoyed teen. And she decides to keep making him squirm, because it's highly entertaining. "So you don't recommend her?" And Derek glares at her. "No, I did not say that." She loves it when she wins. And she normally does, because she happens to be smarter than most people. Including Derek "Neuro God" Shepherd. "Just not for her medical skills." And she knows she's won as soon as she sees the look on his face. "Oh, would you just shut up?"

"Dr. Shepherd?"

And Addison has to fight the urge to laugh when they both answer at the same time, and the intern can barely hide her pain. Poor girl, really. No one deserves to find out their boyfriend's married. "Labs confirm what look like abnormalities on the ultrasound. I think you should come and see for yourself." And she appreciates the younger woman keeping things professional. She was half-expecting her to try and get assigned to another attending. "Fine. Let's go." And she smiles when Derek calls Meredith's name and she doesn't go back to him.

Meredith follows behind Addison as they walk towards the patient's room, again in silence. She almost wants to make small talk, maybe tell her she used to work with her mother, but she decides against it. It's too soon to try and befriend her husband's girlfriend. She really just wants her to know she doesn't hate her – she hates what she represents, but not her – but she figures hours later she found out her boyfriend's married is probably not the best time for a friendly talk.

"Hi Julie, sorry to bother you again, but I need to do another ultrasound." Addison smiles at her patient and starts working on her ultrasound, Meredith looking over her shoulder. "See? Bilateral pleural effusion with evidence of subQ edema." Addison nods as she looks at the screen in front of her. "In English, please?" And Addison looks at Julie again, sounding as sure of herself as ever. "We've detected what looks like beginning heart failure in the twins. Don't be alarmed." But she knows it's impossible not to be alarmed when someone tells you something like that. "Are my babies gonna be ok?" Addison nods slightly, almost imperceptibly. "I'm gonna go ahead and take you into surgery now. We're not gonna wait."

"Book the OR. Move!"

Half an hour later, everything's ready to start. "Julie, we're just gonna go in laparoscopically. You're not gonna feel anything and neither are the twins. Ok, let's get going. Ten blade. Begin with a three-millimeter incision." Addison hesitates for a split second before making the first cut. It's the first time she's cutting open a pregnant woman since she decided to keep the baby, and it's not as easy as she thought she could be. She fights the urge to place her hand on her still flat stomach and focus on the surgery, feeling Meredith's eyes on her hands.

Two hours into the surgery, Addison looks up and sees Meredith looking slightly worried. "How you doing there, Grey?" And she knows what she's going to answer, because she would do the same. "Good. I'm good." But Addison knows that's not true. In the past two days, Meredith has found out her boyfriend's married to an intimidatingly hot woman with amazing hair. Because – if you ask Addison – Derek has lovely hair, but hers has always been nicer.

She's also found out his wife is not only a surgeon, but the best neonatal surgeon in the country. And, right now, she's watching his wife perform a surgery only a handful of surgeons could pull off. Of course she isn't good. But Addison decides not to push the subject, because making her work under her today was enough punishing, and she really has nothing against Dr. Grey. She didn't know Derek was married. It wasn't her fault.

A few hours later, Addison finishes closing the incision on Julie's abdomen and steps aside to let the scrub nurses finish prepping her to go back to her room. "Good job, Dr. Grey." And she doesn't hand her a smile with the compliment, because she doesn't think it'd be appreciated anyway. "Take Julie back to her room. I'll be there in a moment." And Addison leaves the OR as soon as Meredith nods at her words.

As she walks hurriedly towards one of the exam rooms, Addison knows she's being unreasonable. She knows it's irrational, but she doesn't care. She locks the door after walking into the room, and she turns on the familiar machine as she grabs the bottle of cold gel and applies some on her stomach. Six hours of intrauterine surgery have left her both exhausted and on the verge of freaking out. Addison looks intently at the screen in front of her, and she lets out the breath she'd been holding as soon as she sees the tiny heartbeat on the screen. Everything's fine.

She cleans up the room and walks back to Julie's room as she dials Mark's number. She knows it's late, but she needs to tell someone. "Addie?" His sleepy voice makes her smile as she speaks again. "Mark. I just wanted to let you know the baby's heart is still beating. In case you were worried about it." He chuckles slightly at her words. "Why would I be worried about... oh." And he knows she was the one worrying herself crazy, probably over some kind of crazy fetal pathology she's just fixed. "Actually, I was kind of worried about it. Thanks for letting me know, Addie." Addison smiles and stops for a second before walking into Julie's room. "Anytime. I'll call you tomorrow. Night, Mark."

"Night, Addie."

Addison walks into the room and smiles at the patient as she lifts her gown a little bit, showing her the small surgical scar. "See? Just a small scar." Julie doesn't look too convinced. "And my babies?" Addison really can't blame her. Of course she's worried. "Your babies are doing very well. And Dr. Grey will be back to check on you a little bit later." She can't wait to go to bed. Long surgeries are fine while she's standing in the OR, but as soon as the high wears off, they leave her feeling like a truck's just run over her.

"Actually, I'd prefer it if Dr. Grey were taken off the case." Addison looks questioningly at the patient. As far as she's seen, Dr. Grey's behavior has been flawless. "Why? Is there a problem?" And she half-wants her to say yes, that the sweet-looking intern is actually some kind of psycho killer who should be locked up. She'd like to be the one to inform Derek, too. "Just reminds me of someone I don't like very much. Someone my husband likes a lot. Particularly in lingerie. You understand." She does. She just hopes Julie doesn't mean what she thinks she means. "No, no, I don't understand."

"Well, she's sleeping with your husband, right?"

And Addison has to make a great effort not to scream when she speaks again. "Ms. Philips, I lack Dr. Grey's class and patience so, let me set the record straight. My husband didn't cheat on me, I cheated on him. So the wronged woman here, Dr. Grey. So, I think you owe her one hell of an apology." And it's not that she wants to defend Meredith. She doesn't even want to defend Derek. But she won't let anyone think Derek was the one who cheated on her. And she leaves the room, leaving both women alone to share their feelings and apologies, or just kill each other. She can't say she cares.

She cheated on Derek. Not the other way around. She cheated on Derek. As long as that's clear – as long as everyone knows Derek never cheated on her – she can tell herself he never stopped loving her. She pushed him away when she cheated on him, but Derek never stopped loving her. And she wasn't going to keep her mouth shut and listen to her patient say Derek cheated on her. Because he didn't.

Derek never stopped loving her.


	11. I've Gotta Listen To My Heart

Disclaimer: I don't know any of these characters.

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**11 I've Gotta Listen To My Heart**

"I'm sorry about yesterday, Dr. Shepherd."

Addison looks up from the chart and smiles at Julie, shaking her head slightly. "That's ok, Julie. Don't worry about it." And she goes back to reading the chart, making sure everything was under control when she was at the hotel. She knows Dr. Grey was on call, and she wants to make sure the incident with her patient didn't make her miss anything while she checked on her.

"How are my babies?" Addison places the chart on the table and turns on the ultrasound machine, a reassuring smile on her face. "We'll see them in a second. But your chart says the three of you are just fine, so there's nothing to worry about." She finds a good angle to see the twins and turns the monitor towards Julie to let her have a look. "There they are. Both heartbeats are strong and regular. If everything goes well, you could be transferred to maternity in about a week."

"Thank you so much, Dr. Shepherd."

And Addison walks out of the room feeling much better than she was when she walked in. Nothing in her personal life is going the way it was supposed to, but she still has her job. She's still the best neonatal surgeon in the country. Even if her marriage's practically over. Even if the thing with Mark didn't work out. Even if she's having Mark's baby while still technically married to Derek. She can still save other people's lives, and sometimes, that's more than enough.

She leaves the chart on the nurse's station and flashes the nurse a bright warm smile – she never forgets to be nice to them after that time when she snapped at Nurse Liz in her intern year and was on enema duty for nearly a month – and Addison walks towards the elevator, hoping for a few minutes of calm to call Savvy and let her know she's still alive. She pushes the elevator button right before she sees Adele Webber walking hurriedly into Richard's room, and Addison decides that Savvy can wait for a while and follows Adele, smiling as she stands in the doorway.

"I thought I saw a fabulous looking woman walk by."

"Addison!" And Adele hugs her tightly – like always – with a broad smile on her face. "Yes see, I told Richard, I knew you and Derek would get back together." Addison's smile falters slightly at her words, but she manages not to frown. "Ah, actually, I'm here on a case." Adele frowns disappointed, and Addison suddenly feels like she should apologize to the woman in front of her. Addison knows how much Adele loves both of them – and having them over for her famous dinners – and she can only imagine how disappointed she must be feeling right now.

"Addison and I are over, Adele."

"It's not like we're divorced!" And she didn't want to say that – didn't want to let him see she cares – but she's pissed off. She's pissed off at him because he's ruining her moment with Richard and Adele, she's pissed off at him because he interrupted her, and, most of all, she's pissed off at him because she still cares. And, when she's pissed off, she can't really control what she says. "Practically divorced." And the way he said it – without a hint of emotion and clearly wanting to hurt her just for the sake of it – makes her want to smash that thick head of his against the wall. Or just mess his perfectly Russell Crowe-ish hair. That'd hurt him more than the former.

"You've had counseling?" Adele's question is directed at her, and Addison mentally thanks her for ignoring her asshole of a husband, because, right now, she really can't deal with him. "We had adultery. That was enough." And yet again Derek interrupts her, with yet another hurtful comment, and Addison has to take a deep breath so as not to pull out his perfectly wavy hairs one by one. She knows, deep down, that the way he still gets to her and makes her blood boil only means she's not as over him as she likes to think she is, and she decides not to give him the chance to figure it out. 

"I'll call you later, ok?"

As she walks towards the elevator, she can't help but think about the absurdity of the situation. If she woke up tomorrow and someone told her it had all been a dream, she wouldn't be surprised. How did she get here? How does the perfect couple become this sad excuse for a marriage? The last time they were with the Webbers in Seattle, they were happily married. Derek couldn't keep his eyes off her, and she couldn't stop smiling. They held hands and kissed just because, and he whispered sweet little words in her ear, making her giggle in delight. They were the epitome of being in love.

And now, again in Seattle, and still married, things are completely different. She cheated on him, and he – technically, or whatever you want to call it – cheated on her too. She had a relationship with another man, and she did the same with another woman. They just had a conversation full of hurtful remarks, and they didn't even look at each other. She can barely remember the last time he made her smile, and she's well aware of the fact that she can't make him look at her anymore. They despise each other, and they don't even try to hide it. And she suddenly feels like crying. 

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Addison turns around and manages a small smile when she sees Preston Burke walking towards her. "Dr. Burke." He smiles when he reaches her, and greets her with a small nod, a gesture that she'd find charming if she wasn't too busy trying not to cry in the middle of the corridor. "We're doing a harvest in OR one at four, and some surgeries have been rescheduled. Will you need an OR today? The Chief asked me to make sure you had everything you needed for the TTTS case, so I need to know if I should bump any surgeries to book your OR." 

"No, thank you Dr. Burke." And her previously fake smile becomes genuine when she remembers the nurses talking about Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Burke bumping heads this morning over a rescheduled neurosurgery and a very bossy interim chief. She's almost tempted to say yes – just to see if Burke would bump Derek's surgery for her and watch him throw a tantrum – and the childishness of the thought is enough to bring her to the verge of tears once again. She's a strong, confident woman. And she hates Derek for turning her into a vengeful teen. "The surgery we performed yesterday was a success, so the twins won't be needing a second procedure."

Burke nods and flashes her another smile before closing the chart he's holding. "In that case, congratulations, Dr. Shepherd. I'm happy to hear the Chief wasn't exaggerating when he said you were the best in your field." Another polite nod from Preston makes her smile broaden slightly, and she wonders if all the surgeons in Seattle – except for her husband, that is – are as charming as him. "Well, thank you, Dr. Burke." And she doesn't bother to reply with a compliment, because they both know they're the best in their respective fields, and there's no need to fake admiration or modesty.

She's about to ask him to have lunch together – because she's only had one lonely lunch so far but she's already missing Savvy and Mark's conversation – when she spots Dr. Bailey with her interns and she decides this is probably a good moment to try and smooth things over with Grey. If her calculations are correct – and they usually are – Derek's already told her his side of the story. With the devoted innocent husband and the heartless adulterous whore, and maybe even hints of the cruel best friend without principles. And Meredith has probably taken him back and spent the night caressing his silky dark hair and whispering sweet words to soothe the pain in his wounded heart. 

Apparently, sarcasm is directly proportional to heartbreak.

But Addison doesn't want to leave Seattle – and if everything goes according to plan she should be out of this town in a week – as the adulterous whore, and she decides to try and make Grey understand she's not the heartless bitch she probably thinks she is. And she shouldn't care, but she does. Maybe it's because she doesn't want Ellis Grey's daughter to hate her, when her mother was one of the best teachers she ever had. Whatever the reason, she wants to make things right. So, after saying goodbye to Burke, she walks over to the group of interns and plasters a smile on her face. "Dr. Grey, may I speak with you for a moment?"

And the intern looks at Bailey as if Addison was some kind of monster, and Addison feels suddenly grateful towards the resident when she refuses to help Meredith avoid talking to her. They walk together for a moment before Addison decides to break the ice. "I assume he told you why he left me." All right, so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to break the ice. And Meredith stops walking and stands in front of Addison, a look of determination on her face. "Dr. Shepherd, with all due respect, this has nothing to do with me."

And she walks away with an air of confidence that surprises Addison, and also makes her see a hint of Ellis in her, for the first time in two days. "Really? So you didn't take him back. Good girl." Meredith doesn't look at her, and Addison walks behind her, waiting for the younger woman to either confirm or deny what she just said. "And, in the future, I'd appreciate it if we could keep our relationship strictly professional." Meredith keeps walking, and Addison has to admit the girl has some balls to talk to her like that. She's technically her superior, and she's also her boyfriend's wife. "Meredith!"

She turns around to face Addison, a look of slight impatience in her face. As if she was dealing with a clingy preschooler instead of a world-class neonatal surgeon that was saving lives when Grey worried about what to wear to her prom. "Sometimes people do desperate things to get someone's attention." And she can't believe she just said that, but for some reason she wants Meredith to understand. The intern shoots her a look that says "please, don't try to make me forgive you for breaking my boyfriend's heart", and it surprisingly hurts as if it came from someone she actually cared about. "There are two sides to every story!"

But Meredith doesn't turn around.

Addison checks on Julie a few more times that afternoon, just to keep herself entertained. She could have called Savvy right after the Meredith fiasco, but she probably would have started crying the moment she talked about it. And she's still blaming it on the hormones. Because she refuses to let herself admit Derek still has the power to turn her into a sobbing mess. And she also refuses to let herself admit she misses Mark more than she should. So she blames it on the hormones and spends the afternoon making sure Julie and her twins are perfectly fine.

She finally decides to call her best friend when she finds herself sitting alone in the attendings' locker room, already changed into her normal clothes. She dials her number and sits on one of the comfortable chairs in the room, knowing this will be a long conversation. "Addie! How are you, sweetie? How is Seattle? Are you all right? Why didn't you call sooner?" And Addison can't help but laugh at the familiarity of her friend's voice and her friend's never ending questions. "I'm sorry, I was busy with the case. I'm fine, I've seen Derek and we were very passive aggressive towards each other. Oh, and he has a girlfriend. She's nice, but she hates me for breaking his heart. I can't wait to go home, Sav."

"Have you talked to him? In a non-passive aggressive way?" Addison pouts slightly, knowing Savvy's right and she should probably start acting like the adult she is. Even if her husband is back to being thirteen. "Not really. I will, though. I brought the divorce papers with me." And she knows Savvy's nodding, even though she can't see her. "Have you signed them yet?" Savvy also knows Addison's shaking her head, and she sighs before speaking again. "Addie..." And Addison stands up, as if that would make her sound more convincing. "I know. I know. I will sign them. Soon. I want to, I just... it's hard, you know?"

"I know, sweetie." And Savvy decides to change subjects, because she figures it's not a very good idea to push Addison more than the strictly necessary. She'll sign the papers when she's ready. "So, how long are you staying out there?" And Addison shrugs slightly before replying. "About a week, if everything goes well. The twins and the mother are all fine right now, so hopefully I won't have to stay much longer." Savvy smiles at her words, because she was afraid Addison would tell her she was thinking about staying in Seattle. She had a nightmare about that last night. "Good. Well, Dr. Montgomery, I have to go. It's almost 10 p.m here, and Weiss wants to sleep." Addison chuckles slightly. "Ok, tell him I'm sorry for keeping him awake. Night, Sav. I miss you."

"I miss you too."

Addison gets her purse and walks out of the locker room, headed for the elevators. She can't wait to get to the hotel and sleep for a few hours before another day at Seattle Grace. It's exhausting to pretend nothing's wrong. To keep being professional and making people respect her when all they know is Derek's side of her story. She's tired, and she can't wait for this all to be over. To be back home in New York, with her friends, and focus on growing Blob instead of the many worries that are swimming around in her mind right now. 

She stops for a moment when she sees Derek standing in the elevator, and hesitates before walking inside. She can be an adult. She is an adult. And she can certainly share an elevator ride with Derek without any passive aggressive remarks. "Just when the day was improving." And Derek delivers his line with a slight eye roll, making it clear that there will be only one adult in the elevator, and plenty of passive aggressive remarks. "You told Meredith what happened?" And he walks to the other side of the elevator to push the button to his floor before replying with an unreadable expression on his face. "I did. What did you tell her?"

The doors to the elevator close as she replies, trying not to smirk at Derek's obvious efforts not to squirm. "That sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention." She didn't want to say that. Or maybe she did. It was the truth... kind of. She didn't neccessarily sleep with Mark to attract Derek's attention. She slept with him because Derek wasn't paying attention. And then, after Derek left, because she had feelings for Mark. And afterwards, because she fell... "What? Wow." And Derek's incredulous voice brings her back to reality, stopping her train of thought. "That's your side of this? That I didn't pay you enough attention? Is that what you were thinking when you got naked with my best friend?"

And Addison reaches for the button of her floor, pushing it and taking a deep breath at the same time, willing her voice to be as steady as possible after hearing Derek ignore the fact that he ignored her in the first place. She's debating between crying, screaming and punching him. But she knows she can't cry, because she'll let him see he can still hurt her. And she can't scream, because he'll use it against her. And she certainly can't punch him, because Richard would kill her. 

"No. By that point I wasn't thinking at all, Derek." And her voice is not as firm and steady as she wanted it to be, but she's not crying, and right now that's the best she can do. "By that point I was just scratching an itch. We got successful, you and me. We got busy and we got lazy. We didn't even bother to try anymore, Derek." The truth is, she never stopped trying. But she figures blaming it all on him would only make him more inclined to play the victim card, so she shares the guilt, hoping this way he will at least listen to her. "And Mark was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry." And he pushes the button yet again, giving no indication of being listening to her. "I'm more sorry that you can possibly imagine. But at least I'm talking to you about it." The elevator stops, and Derek walks out without a look behind.

"Derek..."

And she mentally kicks herself for saying his name in that way. The same way she said it after he told her he wouldn't be home for Christmas. Or New Year's. Or her birthday. The same way she said it when she left a message in his voicemail on their anniversary. Or his birthday. The same way she said it when he left the brownstone that morning, with a small bag full of clothes. She's begging for his attention again, and she's getting sick of it. But he turns around, and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. Maybe this time he'll he'll listen to her after she said his name in that way.

"I'm a sink with an open drain, Addie." 

And he leaves, almost smiling, obviously proud of himself. He doesn't look back, and she's thankful for it. Because she was confused for a second – and her face showed that – after hearing the childish metaphor he threw her way. But now, there's no confusion on her face. There's just pain. The kind of pain she can only feel when he walks away from her. And, right that moment, when the doors of the elevator close again and she can't see him walk away anymore, she decides enough is enough. Enough begging, enough waiting, enough hoping and – most of all – enough hurting. 

She decides that she's fought enough for them. And so, she tells herself it's time to stop fighting for a marriage that barely exists, and focus on fighting for herself. She won't keep trying to make Derek understand why or how it happened, because he obviously doesn't care. She won't keep trying to make the world see she's not as heartless as she may seem, because they mean nothing to her. She just wants this to end. She wants to do her job and go back home. Get ready for Blob and try to make this new post-affair friendship thing work with Mark. 

Find a way of living as Addison after eleven years as DerekandAddison.

Addison arrives at her hotel room half an hour later and changes into her pajamas, skipping the nightly ritual of looking at the divorce papers for an hour before deciding not to sign them. She knows she won't sign them tonight. Maybe tomorrow. But not tonight. And she decides she can't lose an hour of her time thinking about the good times of her marriage with Derek. So she skips the thinking and gets into bed, taking her phone with her to check her voice mails. 

"Hey, Addie, it's me. I had dinner with Sav and Weiss and some friends tonight. It was fun, but we missed your swearing when we played Pictionary. It's just not nearly as much fun without the crazy competitive friend threatening to throw the board at someone if they don't guess the damn word already." She chuckles as she listens to him, and shakes her head as if she was actually seeing the smirk she can feel in his voice. "Anyway, just checking on you and Blob. Call me if you wanna talk, okay? Night."

And she smiles when the beep signals the end of his message, and she wonders how he does it. How he can make her smile so easily, even when they're a country apart. She decides not to call him tonight – not when she's too tired to have one of their long conversations – and turns off the lights, feeling much better than she did when she got to the hotel half an hour ago. She's just Addison now, but she's not nearly as alone as she felt in the last few months of DerekandAddison. She has Weiss and Savvy. She has Richard and Adele. And she has Mark. Mark, who calls to check on her and Blob.

And that's more than enough.


	12. Take Me Over The Edge

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update! School and work were being a bit insane, but I'll hopefully have more time to write from now on :) Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous chapters, I really appreciate your comments!

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**12 Take Me Over The Edge**

This was supposed to be a short business trip.

When she boarded the plane that took her from New York to Seattle, Addison thought she'd only stay for a few days. Work on the TTTS case, save those twins, give Derek the signed divorce papers and go back home. But now, as she looks at the raindrops trickling down the window of the taxi that's taking her to the hospital, she realizes it's been over a week since she arrived in Seattle, and she hasn't even signed the papers yet.

She wanted to. Really, she did. When she discharged Julie and her twins from the surgical area, she almost signed the papers. But Richard told her they had a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave, showed her the two preemies that needed her help, and she agreed to stay for a few more days. Richard was good at convincing her. Two tiny helpless babies that only stood a chance if she was the one holding the scalpel. How was she supposed to say no? And, since she was staying a little longer, she figured there was no need to rush signing those papers.

And here she is now, walking into the hospotal once again, still married and with unsigned divorce papers waiting for her at the hotel room where she's been living for the past ten days. Mark and Savvy weren't happy to hear she was staying a few more days in Seattle, and Savvy wasn't happy at all to hear she was still trying to make up her mind about signing the papers. She figures Mark would be even less happy, but she isn't about to tell him. Not when they are getting better at the post-affair friendship thing everyday. She walks briskly towards the elevator and pushes the button, her shoe impatiently tapping on the tiles under her as she waits for the elevator to get there.

When the metal doors finally slide open, she sees Derek and Richard inside the elevator with their back to her, and she takes a deep breath before walking in, cursing her bad luck for making Derek be the first person she has to talk to every single day. She plasters a fake smile on her face as she looks at Derek, and offers him a greeting before turning her attention to Richard and his rather old-fashioned hat. "Richard. I like the hat." And even though she was obviously kidding, she can't help but smile when she sees Richard shooting Derek a look that clearly says "See? She likes the hat."

"Satan speaks."

And she almost snorts at Derek's words, but she decides to play the nonchalant card instead, because she knows how much he hates it. "Actually, I prefer to be called 'ruler of all that is evil'" Richard's chuckle makes her lips turn up into a smirk, and she has to control herself not to burst out laughing. "But I will answer to Satan."

"What is she still doing here?"

And she's thankful for them having their backs to her, because Derek's detached tone hurts more than it should, and she's pretty sure it showed in her face. "I asked her to stay. We have a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave." And she decides to speak before Derek can think of another petty remark to throw her way. "Actually, I could use you on a consult. Will you meet me up there, Derek?" He doesn't answer right away, and she's almost gone when he finally speaks again.

"Uh... yeah. Fine."

Addison's still thinking about him when she walks out of the locker room after changing into her scrubs. She can't believe he's still being petty and childish after all this time. He's had plenty of opportunities to yell at her. Get mad and scream that he hates her. Give her at least a hint of him caring about the end of their marriage. But no. He's still acting as if they were having a stupid fight because she bought the wrong brand of toilet paper. As if this wasn't the end of eleven years of marriage. As if he didn't give a damn about her sleeping with Mark.

She pushes him out of her mind when she walks into the NICU and sees her patient, a little preemie girl with a very slim chance of leaving this hospital alive. Addison smiles at the tiny baby in the incubator, and gently rubs her little belly, wanting to make her feel less lonely for a while.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

She looks up from the incubator and sees an intern she doesn't know holding the baby's chart out for her. "Thank you, doctor..." The young woman smiles uncomfortably at her, clearly struggling to be polite. "Stevens. Dr. Bailey assigned me to this case." Dr. Bailey. Of course. That explains the awkwardness. She's one of Grey's little friends. One of the five interns she's been trying to avoid for the past week. She has enough dealing with Derek, she doesn't need hateful interns too.

Derek walks into the NICU before the two women have the time to say anything else, and Addison turns her attention back to the little girl after nonchalantly handing Derek her chart. As if this wasn't one of the most uncomfortable Seattle moments yet. "Dr. Stevens, present the case." And she half-listens to the intern reciting the facts and figures Addison already knows by heart – she's studied that chart countless times in the last two days – while she continues drawing soothing patterns with her fingertips on the newborn's belly.

"Where's the mother?" Addison answers his question in a soft voice, the slow movements of her fingers having relaxed her as well as the baby. "Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off. Nice, huh?" She blames the hormones for the sudden urge to cry, and she's lucky enough to be at work, where she can focus on the patients to keep her mind away from crying. "Addison!" And Derek speaks frustrated, as if she was a naughty kid who'd been repeatedly caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Derek, I know it's a long shot. I know that."

"You told me you had a newborn with an invasive mash. You failed to mention that she's premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics. There's no way that this baby is going to survive spinal surgery." And it's something about the way he gets close to her when he walks over to the incubator. Something about the way he lets the tiny baby hold his fingertip while Addison gently rubs her cheek. She can't say exactly what it is, but something shifts and they're married again, and they're talking like they used to do before everything changed. "You don't know that."

"Even if she does, she's a mess. She'll just get meningitis seizures. She's going to live a short painful life." Derek's words are true, and she knows it, but she can't just let this go. She can't just give up on this baby. "You don't know that." Addison's voice is slightly less calm now, and Derek responds accordingly when he speaks again. "It's my job to know that." And Addison knows he doesn't get it. It's not about the facts and figures in that chart. It's about this little girl and her small – but still real – chances. "You're not God, Derek."

"Excuse me?" And judging by the way he said it, you'd think he was actually God. But Addison knows her husband enough to be familiar with his God complex, and she knows going against it is not the best thing to do if she wants him to actually listen to her. And her voice is softer when she speaks again, doing her best to avoid Derek getting even more defensive. "I'm sorry, honey, but you're not. You don't get to decide..."

"Wait, did you just call me honey? Don't call me honey!"

And they're back to where they were before the atmosphere shifted. Back to being married-but-not-really. And Addison has to make an effort to stay calm, only because she truly wants him to listen to what she's trying to say. "Fine. You're not God, Dr. Shepherd." She's almost surprised when her voice doesn't break. She really was expecting it to. "Look, if a patient has any chance at survival, which I think she does, then you have a responsibility..." But she can't finish speaking before Derek interrupts her, his voice almost as cold as his glare. "Don't talk to me about responsibility."

Addison can hardly believe he's being absolutely unable to separate their personal issues from his professional life. "You took an oath, Derek!" But he's not listening, and she knows he's very close to having one of his boy flip-outs. The ones when he whines and resembles a pre-teen. "Oh, don't you dare talk to me about oaths!" He really isn't letting it go. He's determined to be a victim, and he apparently can't stop the act for five minutes to be professional. "Derek, I messed up. People mess up." And her voice is clearly telling him to drop it and channel Dr. Shepherd instead of petty Derek, but he's having none of that. "You slept with my best friend in my favorite sheets."

"The flannel sheets? You hate the flannel sheets!" And it happens again, a moment when they're still married, and they're having a petty little fight. It's almost surreal how easily they fall into that routine even after all that's happened between them. "No. I love the sheets." Addison looks at him, the same look she used when he washed his red shirt – the one she hated but he thought made him irresistibly sexy – with her white skirt. Or when he recorded a Yankees game over the finale of her favorite show. The kind of glare only a pissed-off wife can send her husband's way. "You like the Italian sheets with the paisleys..." But he cuts her off again before she can go on. "Would you just stop talking about the sheets?" And this petty little fight ends like all the petty little fights they shared before. With one single word spoken by Addison in her coldest voice. "Fine."

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go. I'll go check on the labs."

The intern leaves the room, and Addison turns her attention back to the baby, letting her hold her finger while she tries not to cry. "Addison, don't do this." And his voice is soft now. Softer than it's been in months when talking to his wife. "Derek... look, she's a fighter. Look how far she's come already." And a small smile appears on her face as the tiny fist closes around her fingertip, making her wish there was some magical way to make everything good for the baby in front of her. "Don't get attached. Don't get involved. Just... don't make her life more painful than it already is."

"Derek, please. She has nobody. She needs someone to fight for her." And she's aware of the fact that he's probably noticed how close she is to crying, but she doesn't care. She will beg if she has to. Because – even though she knows he's right – it's far too late not to get attached. She's attached already. She can't not get attached to every single baby she treats. "She's too far gone. You have to let her go. Let her go in peace." And he walks away, leaving Addison alone with the baby, watching him as he disappears from the NICU.

"Fine Derek, walk away. It's what you do best."

Addison keeps looking at the door even after he's gone, almost as if she was waiting for him to come back and tell her it was all a cruel joke. But he doesn't come back, and she looks down again, a small smile playing on her lips when her eyes focus on the little baby in the incubator. She calls her Nine in her head – because that's the first digit on the number Social Services have assigned her – and she wishes they could randomly assign her a name, just so she could have something to define her apart from a serial number on a bracelet that matches the one on her absent mother's wrist.

She knows she shouldn't get attached. She knows she should think of her as a patient, and only care about her medical conditions. But she can't do that. She can't act as if she didn't care about the unfairness of the situation. And she does want to fix all her medical conditions, but she also wants to make sure she feels safe and wanted, at least for a while. Because, if her predictions are accurate – and she's seen enough cases like this one to know her predictions are almost always accurate – Nine's mother will not come back for her. So, if a random doctor staying by her side and letting her hold her fingertip for a while makes her life a little bit better, Addison is not moving from her spot next to the incubator.

"She's got a good grip."

Izzie's voice brings Addison back to reality, and she can't help but notice the small smile in the intern's face. It's the first time one of Bailey's interns has showed her something resembling a smile, and she has to give Nine's cuteness credit for making even Grey's friends forget about all their Addison hate for a few moments at least. "Yeah." Addison's smile matches Izzie's, but it falters when the intern speaks again. "I don't think... it doesn't look good." And Izzie shakes her head softly as she hands the chart to Addison, who channels Dr. Addison Shepherd and pretends the chart belongs to an anonymous patient who has nothing to do with Nine.

"She's a got a resistant strain of pneumococcus. The antibiotics aren't working." And Addison is pretty sure Izzie noticed she was trying to convince herself as well as informing Izzie of the baby's condition, but she can't say she cares. "You may want to get yourself reassigned Dr. Stevens. I don't think we'll be operating today." And she goes back to looking at Nine, letting her tiny fist close around her fingertip once again, as if that would made everything else go away. "So do you think Dr. Shepherd was right?" If Addison wasn't feeling emotionally drained – if she had some energy left to get mad – she'd probably yell at the intern. Give her a verbal ass-kicking and let her see who's the boss. Because it was both a stupid question, and one obviously made just to hurt the boyfriend-stealing adulterous whore. But she doesn't have the energy for that.

"She's just too far gone... she does have a good grip."

Addison doesn't notice when Izzie walks out of the room, but she's not surprised when she looks up after a while and she realizes she's the only person in the room who's more than a week old. She's not complaining, though. Considering all the adults in the building are either married to her, dating someone who's married to her or hating her because of being married to someone, she's pretty sure the NICU is the best place to be.

Her cell phone vibrates a few minutes later, and she smiles at Mark's name on the screen as she walks out of the NICU and answers the call. "How's Seattle?" Addison walks towards the locker room as she talks about the unnerving rain, and Mark chuckles and tells her about the not-so-rainy climate in Manhattan, making her pout and ask him not to rub it in her face. Addison whines about the weather for a few more minutes, but she stops and smiles when Mark interrupts her complaining to get in a few words of his own. "I bought Blob a Rangers onesie yesterday. Weiss told me when they have a baby it'll be a baseball and hockey fan, and I thought our kid can't be less than theirs. I'm thinking about buying a Knicks onesie too, to get basketball in the mix as well. Our kid will kick their kid's ass."

Addison chuckles while she listen to him talk, and she sits on the bench in the locker room as she replies. "Sav's kids and mine will be best friends. We settled that when we were eight." She can feel him smile when he speaks again. "Fine, they can be friends. But Blob will be the cool friend, and their kid will be the geek who tags along but is clearly not nearly as awesome. Kinda like you and Savvy." Addison fakes an offended tone when she replies, but she doesn't really do a good job at hiding her amusement. "Come on, I wasn't that bad. Slightly geeky, but..." But Mark interrupts her before she can finish. "I've seen those videos, Addie. You owned a light saber and called yourself Add Solo. We can only hope Blob doesn't inherit the geek genes." Addison bursts out laughing at that, and she can barely control her laughter enough to speak again. "Oh, my God. I'd forgotten about Add Solo. Poor Blob."

"Don't worry. Blob can still get my prom king genes instead."

The talk about genetics and high school awkwardness eventually turns into Mark's very detailed description – at Addison's request – of the last movie night at Weiss and Savvy's, and when he's finally done talking Addison asks for a review of the latest patients he's seen, and he notices something's not right. "What's up, Addie? You normally don't care about the newest boobs in town." She smiles slightly and shrugs as she replies. "It rains ridiculously often in this city." And Mark knows that's Addison for "I'm homesick", and he also knows a half-assed admission of feelings is Addison for "Something's wrong, but I'm too hardcore to whine". Sometimes, he kind of scares himself with how easily he can read her, and he wonders if she knows she does the same with him.

After a quick mental search for the possible reasons for her being upset – and ruling out something being wrong with Blob, because that she would tell him – he figures it's either Derek or the preemie, or maybe even both, and decides to start with the preemie. Mostly because he's promised himself he won't mention him anymore unless strictly necessary, but also because Derek may not be the problem and he doesn't want to upset her for nothing. "How's Nine doing?"

And he knows he should be telling her to not get attached and to stop naming all her patients with silly little names. He knows that. But he also knows her tendency to get slightly attached to her patients is part of the reason why she's the best, so he chooses to play along with it and let her do her thing. Just like she doesn't scold him when he refers to his patients as "The Lipo" or "The Facial Reconstruction". He's the best because he can keep his distance, and she's the best because she can get close. Or maybe they are the best in spite of those things. Either way, he won't refer to the preemie as The Preemie when talking to Addison. As far as he is concerned, her name is Nine.

"I'm letting her go."

So it was the preemie. "Derek doesn't think she's operable, and he does have a point. I can't force him to take that responsibility." And Derek. No wonder she's homesick. "I'm sorry, Addie." Mark assumes she's nodding – and she is – as she always does when he says he's sorry after she tells him about a patient. "I wish I was there to give you some juju." His words bring a smile to her face, and she has to wonder how he manages to make her smile so easily, even over the phone. "I wish I was there so I could drink my juju while buying some new shoes." And he chuckles at that, because he knows she's smiling again. "You're coming back soon, right?"

"Yeah. Richard asked me to stay, but I'm letting go of Nine, and I'm ready to go back home. If all goes as planned I'll be on a plane tomorrow morning." She doesn't tell him what has to go as planned is her managing to sign those papers and give them to Derek. "Good. Call me when you get here, okay?" She smiles and gets up from the bench. "I will. Bye, Mark."

"See you soon."

A few minutes later, Addison walks briskly down the hall towards the NICU when she spots Richard – and a new hat – and she decides this is a good moment to let him know she's not going to stay. Because telling Richard will make it more real, and it will hopefully push her towards signing the papers. He greets her with a smile, and she decides to go ahead and tell him before she changes her mind. "So... I'm leaving in the morning." He barely looks at her before he replies with a negative, and she wonders if her words sounded like a question to him. "Excuse me?"

"No. I'm not accepting your resignation." And she has to make an effort not to snort at his words. "It's not a resignation, Richard. It's notification. I don't officially work for you." They walk into his office, and his nonchalant behaviour lets her know he's taking her as seriously as he did on her first day as an intern. "I came here for one case. I can track the twins' progress from New York." She can see he's beginning to see she's serious, and she knows what his next words will be even before he says them. "What about the preemie?" He knows her well enough to know if there's one thing that would make her stay, that would be a baby in need of surgery.

"I'm letting go of the preemie, you know that."

But he still doesn't seem convinced, so she decides to bring up her personal life, because sometimes you have to take desperate measures. And she knows all about that. "He calls me Satan, Richard." She can't say she cares that he calls her Satan. But she hopes Richard will buy it, or at least understand she doesn't want to be around her husband anymore, considering the circumstances. "You don't like to hide from a fight." Apparently, he didn't buy it. "It's not a fight. He wins." Or not, because old friends and Manhattan trumps interns and Seattle any day in her mind, but that's hardly the point. "I'm leaving in the morning."

She walks towards the door just as one of the interns – one of Bailey's interns, and one of the closest to Meredith as far as she knows – walks into the room. She's about to leave and avoid giving him anything to tell Grey, but she stops when she hears him speak. "It's Dr. Grey, sir. Ellis." Addison gives Richard a look that says "Seriously? Again?" because in her years as his favorite resident and her months studying under Ellis she found out about the torrid affair they had during their residency, and even though she can't judge – she's not hypocritical enough for that – she loves Adele and would hate to find out Richard's cheating on her again.

Richard and O'Malley leave the office and Addison trails behind them, and hearing the intern tell Richard what's happening makes her wish they were actually having an affair. Ellis Grey has Alzheimer's. Ellis Grey also has diverticulitis, and maybe cancer. And it affects her more than it should, but she quickly pushes the guilt away, telling herself ruining Ellis Grey's daughter's relationship was hardly her fault.

They're walking down the stairs when Izzie runs towards them and the three doctors stop walking to look at her. "Excuse me Dr. Shepherd. We need you fast." Addison looks at Richard as if asking for an explanation – she wouldn't put it past him to arrange a false crisis to get her to stay – but Stevens speaks again before she can make any questions. "Um...it's Cristina, one of our interns. She's...she's collapsed." O'Malley asks something, but Addison is too busy trying to make sense of the situation. One of Meredith's friends asking her to help with another one of her friends.

"Why do you need me?" The intern sighs, and that's all Addison needs to finally understand what's happening. And even if she hadn't, O'Malley quickly explains it to all of them – and everyone around, judging by the volume of his voice – and she wonders if he truly is as thick as he looks. Izzie tells him to shut up – and Addison would have cheered her on under different circumstances – and then turns her attention to Addison yet again. "Please, come." And Addison quickly follows her, looking over her shoulder to speak again.

"This doesn't change anything, Richard. I'm still leaving in the morning."

She follows Izzie to an exam room, and she gets the ultrasound machine ready as she listens to Dr. Bailey explain everything to her. "She's seven weeks pregnant. She collapsed in the OR, but that's all we know as far as symptoms go." Addison nods slightly and begins doing the ultrasound, silently willing the baby to be alive. She's not sure she can deal with a miscarriage when she's still in the first trimester herself. "Have you notified the father?" Cristina doesn't answer, and Dr. Bailey tries to make her focus while Addison goes back to the ultrasound.

"Oh, we're losing her." Addison tries to block out Dr. Bailey's voice, and continues looking for the problem, her eyes never leaving the screen. "Oh, man, do you see that?" Addison points at the screen, hardly believing it herself. "It's an extra uterine pregnancy in the tube there. She's bleeding out." And it's not that she's never seen an extra uterine pregnancy before. It's just that for an extra uterine pregnancy to look like that – and do as much damage as this one has done – Cristina must have been in pain for days without telling anyone.

They rush her to the OR and Addison decides to give herself a little peep talk as she scrubs in, willing the slight nausea to go away. She's had two ultrasounds so far. Blob is in her uterus, safe and sound. She shouldn't be freaking out and wanting to run towards an exam room to check on her uterus. She finishes scrubbing in and walks into the OR to meet Izzie and Bailey, who are still looking worriedly at Cristina. It's a strange feeling. Normally, she doesn't like having more people than necessary in the OR. But she's grateful for both women being there for Cristina. She knows she would want someone there to balance out Satan's influence.

"She's gonna be okay, right?"

Izzie's shaky voice reminds her of why we don't let close friends or family members in the OR when operating. That wasn't a question out of professional concern. That wasn't the voice of a doctor. That was a question out of concern for a close friend, and the voice of a scared woman. Addison doesn't really know how to answer. She's not used to answering questions to the loved ones with her hands inside the patient. "How attached was she to this pregnancy?" She hopes she wasn't attached at all. "I don't know. She's a pretty private person."

"She's lost a lot of blood, but I've got it from here." She stays silent for a moment before looking at Dr. Bailey and speaking again. "Dr. Bailey, you must have a surgery or two of your own today." But the resident shakes her head softly, her eyes never leaving Cristina. "I'm fine right here." She's still glad they're here for Cristina, but – now that the delicate part of the surgery is over – her mind is beginning to wander, and she knows how badly that usually ends these days.

She tries to push the thoughts away, because she knows nothing good will come out of them. But she can't help but wonder if someone would be there, holding her head, if something happened to her right now. Richard would be there, maybe. But – as much as she loves her mentor – Richard wouldn't be enough. Derek is still her emergency contact person, and she wonders if he'd be there. She knows she'd have people there if she was back home. She'd have Savvy and Weiss and Mark. But her mind goes back to Derek, even though she doesn't want to think about him.

Luckily – in a way – for her, Meredith Grey is about to come into the OR when she begins talking about Derek again, and Dr. Bailey rushing over to the door is enough to keep her mind away from Derek for a while longer. Meredith obviously wants to go in and be with her friend, but Dr. Bailey is having none of that. Thankfully. Because having Grey looking at her while she tries to save her best friend would probably be too much.

A few hours after Grey finally leaves, Addison finishes stitching up Cristina and takes a deep breath while stretching her neck before looking at Izzie. "She will be just fine." Izzie smiles behind her mask, and Addison can't help but wish things were different. There's something about Izzie Stevens that reminds her of herself when she was an intern, and she would love to be able to get to know her better. See if she's as good as she looks like. And, if she is, turn her into a brilliant surgeon. But she's Bailey's intern and Grey's friend, and Addison's leaving in the morning, so there's no chance of that ever happening.

"Keep an eye on her, Stevens."

Addison's mind has gone back to Derek when she scrubs out and heads towards the NICU. She misses him. She doesn't want to, but she does. She misses the feeling of being hopelessly in love with him, and knowing he felt the same way about her. She misses kissing him good morning, and good afternoon, and good night. She misses him kissing her for no good reason, and feeling shivers down her spine whenever he whispered in her ear. She misses her husband, and she's been missing him for years. But now, now that they're one step away from getting a divorce, she knows she'll never have him back. And it hurts more than she wants it to.

She walks into the NICU and sees Derek looking at Nine, a look of concern in his face. She smiles slightly at the sight in front of her and walks towards him, speaking softly when she gets close. "Look at that. BP is stabilizing." He answers with a small nod, but he doesn't look at Addison. "She's stronger since this morning." And he takes the chart and sits in a rocking chair while she lets the little girl hold her finger. "There's no reason in the world why she should be stronger since this morning." And she should be focusing on the medical aspects of the patient, but she needs a moment to unwind after the surgery and be just Addison for a few minutes.

"She's really beautiful, isn't she?"

And she has to hold back the tears when she realizes she's not really expecting him to answer. She doesn't expect him to listen to her anymore. And she wants him back. Right now, all she wants is her husband, no matter how ridiculous, illogical or just plain stupid it may be. She's having a baby with another man. Another man who used to be Derek's best friend before she slept with him. And she may still have feelings for Mark. If she was thinking logically, she'd realize there's no way they can give their marriage a second try. "I'll tell you what. If she makes it through the night, if she has a little bit more strength, I'll operate." And the smile that follows those words is enough to make her forget all about logical thinking.

And, for a second, while he's smiling at her and his eyes are locked with hers, she forgets about everything that's not him. And she wants him back. "You know, the way I see it, we could deal with... us in one of three ways." She starts walking towards him, hesitantly at first, but that changes when he doesn't interrupt her. "Option one, I could apologize, you could forgive me and come home, and we could move on with our lives like adults." He's serious now, but she keeps talking. "Or, option two. I could apologize, you could forgive me, come home... but, you can still bring it up to use against me whenever we argue."

He smiles slightly at his words, and she feels the long forgotten shivers once again. "Are you trying to be funny?" And Addison leans over him, chuckling slightly as she speaks again. "Satan has a sense of humor." And she once again feels as if everything's back to normal. No petty remarks, no hateful comments, nothing. "What's the third?" And it's probably because of how close they are, or maybe because of the familiarity of feeling his breath on her skin when he speaks. She can't say exactly what it is, but they're Derek and Addison again, just for a moment. "I don't know what the third option is." And she leans in and kisses him, and she can't even begin to word how relieved she feels when he finally kisses her back. She missed kissing him.

"I just know that I still love you."

And he smiles at her as she leaves the room, not wanting to risk messing it up. She does love him. Is she in love with him? Maybe. She's in love with that Derek. The one who smiles and whispers and makes her feel like she's in her twenties and impossibly in love. But she's not sure if that Derek exists anymore. And she's sure he won't stay for long the moment she tells him about Blob. She knows kissing him was a bad idea, but a part of her is still happy after he kissed her back.

She changes out of her scrubs and walks towards the exit, still thinking about him. She may not be leaving in the morning, after all. Not if there's a chance for them. She wishes she'd be able to stop fighting. She doesn't want to fight anymore, she's tired and just wants to stop, but somehow she can't let herself turn her back on him. If there's a chance to have him back, she's gonna take it. If there's a chance he still loves her, he won't turn away. No matter what.

And she hates him for having that effect on her.

She walks out of the hospital moments later, but she stops when she sees Derek talking to Meredith a few feet away from her. She's crying, and Addison can tell Derek's hurting for her. And then she kisses him and walks back inside, not noticing Addison who's standing next to the door. She's not jealous of Meredith. She's also not mad at Derek. She feels oddly detached. As if seeing them kiss was all she needed for everything to click in her mind. Her marriage is over. There's no more Derek and Addison.

Walking towards her car, she realizes it hurts less than she thought it would. She will miss the Derek she used to have, but she knows he's not there anymore. And she needs to stop waiting for him. She's not going home tomorrow, because she needs a few more days to arrange everything for the divorce. She knows it won't be easy, and she doesn't want to leave this city while still married to him. She wants her old life to be over before she goes back to Manhattan.

She walks into her hotel room minutes later, and she checks her voice mails, smiling when she hears Mark's voice letting her know the Knicks onesie has been added to Blob's collection of sports paraphernalia. She won't be alone. She has Savvy and Weiss, and she has Mark. They'll be there for her while she starts a new life without Derek. And she knows everything will be all right. She reads the papers for the millionth time, and grabs her pen from her purse. One signature, and she won't be married anymore. She won't have a hypenated last name. She'll only have to fight for herself, and for Blob.

And, this time, she does sign the papers.


	13. I Know You've Got Your Own Version

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

A/N: I'm so sorry it took me so long to update this, but I had some real life problems and couldn't get online for a while. I'll do better from now on, though! :)

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**13 ****I know you've got your own version of the truth**

Addison doesn't even bother cursing her bad luck when she walks towards the elevators and Derek and Meredith are the first people she sees. She's made peace with the fact that Derek, Meredith or both of them at once are the first people she will see every day until she leaves Seattle. And it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Not after three days of talking herself into moving on after seeing them kissing outside of the hospital. And she's moving on. Kind of. She's trying, at least, and she's proud of her progress. And she finds it remarkable how she's not feeling sad, angry or a combination of both whenever she sees them together anymore. Now, she's accepted the fact that they are together – or will be in the near future – and seeing them leaves her completely indifferent. Well, maybe not _completely _indifferent. But she's getting there.

"Well now, isn't this cozy? Can I join in or are you not into threesomes?"

Bitchy as hell, but she figures if he can go on playing the Poor Betrayed Husband role, she has every right to accept the Bitchy Adulterous Wife role he's assigned her. "I have to go." And she kind of smirks at the intern when she leaves without as much as a look her way, because she likes her better when she's showing some balls. And, let's face it, adulterous or not, Addison's still her superior, still Derek's wife and – if you ask her – still intimidatingly hot in comparison. So, really, blatantly ignoring her? Takes some intern balls.

"Meredith…" And, when she notices Derek's puppy dog eyes as he calls after his intern, she has to wonder if there's only one set of balls in that couple and they take turns using them. Today is, apparently, Meredith's turn. "You really are Satan. You realize that, right?" Addison rolls her eyes slightly, her husband's childish remarks getting more and more irritating the longer she's been in Seattle. "If Satan were to take physical form, he'd be you. Everywhere, all the time."

"I am so not Satan."

"How come you haven't got on your broomstick and gone back to New York, where you belong?" And the thing that makes her blood boil is not Derek's wannabe hurtful comments – seriously, she's heard snarkier when hanging out with preschool kids – but the lack of passion in the exchange. He could at least make an effort. Let her feel the anger behind his words. Or the hatred. Or whatever it is that he's feeling for her. But no. As usual, he gives her nothing. He throws hateful words her way, and they feel as shallow and empty as all those times he said "I love you" in the last years in New York. Like he's doing it just because it's what you do. You say "I love you" to your wife when you go to work, you call her Satan when she cheats on you. All very correct. Very Derek.

"Stop being petty." Because, really, it's getting old already. She's been in Seattle for almost two weeks, and she's been hearing the same petty remarks over and over again. He could at least mix it up a bit. Find new ways to insult her. But no. It's always the same. Always Satan and witch and some variants of those two. And she wonders if being so easily irritated by almost every single thing he does or says has something to do with her moving on. She hopes so.

"Stop being an adulterous bitch."

It hurt. She has to give him that. Probably because it's the first time she hears someone say out loud what she's been thinking for months. She is an adulterous bitch. He thinks so, too. And he's said it out loud, making it more real, somehow. There's no denying it now. She is an adulterous bitch. And it hurts more than before. "You know you're going to forgive me eventually, right? I mean, you can't just… I mean, there was a time when you thought of me as your best friend." And she needs to try. Because, even though having him as her husband is not possible anymore, she at least wants to have him as her friend. They started as friends, maybe they can go back there.

"There was a time when I thought you were the love of my life. Things change."

And, for the first time since she arrived in Seattle, she's dangerously close to screaming at the top of her lungs and crying in the middle of the hospital. It's one thing to be called an adulterous bitch, to be told she single-handedly sent her marriage to hell, to be despised by most of the surgeons in the hospital… but it's a whole different thing to hear him say she's not the love of his life. She sighs and presses the button to get an elevator, and she can't help but wonder if he knows what his words mean to her.

If he knows he's just told her the last fifteen years of her life meant nothing. That she fought, cried and hurt for a marriage that didn't mean a thing. That he never loved her as much as she loved him. She hopes he doesn't know what his words mean to her. Because, if he does – if he knows how much they hurt and he still said them – then everything changes. He would have hurt her on purpose. And that's the thing she thought he'd never do. That's the only thing she's been sure of ever since he met him, all those years ago. But he doesn't say anything else, and she decides it's time to move on and reaches into her bag, handing the papers to Derek.

"Divorce papers."

He looks surprised, and she has to resist the urge to ask if he thought she was going to give her a love letter instead. "Your lawyer said they're ok." He reads them without paying much attention to either the papers or her, and she decides to go on. "I've already signed them. If you sign, I'll be on the first plane out of here." He looks at her now, with an unreadable expression on his face. "I'll sign them immediately. I want you out of here as soon as possible." The elevator opens right then, and she steps inside, holding back the tears. It's about to start moving when she changes her mind and walks back out.

"Derek, have you ever thought that even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch, I may still be the love of your life?"

And she doesn't wait for him to answer before walking back into the elevator and pushing the button for the fourth floor, impatient to start working so she'll be able to stop thinking about him. Not that that's gonna be easy, considering her first patient of the day is Derek's girlfriend's best friend. Over the past three days, both Addison and Cristina have kept the daily check-ups as cold and distant as possible. She knows the intern hates her on principle, and Cristina knows Addison isn't too happy hanging out with her either. At least she only has to do a quick check-up. The residents can do the rest.

Addison walks into the room moments later, being even more careful than usual about standing up straight and looking the part of a very important surgeon that doesn't have time for stupid rivalries. And – because she's suddenly sat up straight and put on an almost intimidating face – she assumes Cristina wants to make this quick as well, and she's thankful for that. She quickly reads the chart, happy to see the interns have already rounded – which means she won't have much work to do – and puts her professional smile in place before talking to Cristina. "How are you feeling today, Dr. Yang?"

The intern half-rolls her eyes, and she can't blame her. She would have done the same if she wasn't channeling Very Professional Addison. "I'm fine." Addison nods softly, closing the chart and putting it down. "Good. I'm glad to hear that. It says here that you had a fever last night, but it seems to have normalized, and the scar is healing normally. You should be discharged soon." Cristina perks up at that, and her voice is less cold than normal when she speaks. "How soon?" And her forced smile becomes genuine for a second when she sees herself ten years ago in the eager young intern.

"Soon. Get some rest, Dr. Yang."

She's still smiling when she walks out of the room and her pager beeps, the message on the small screen letting her know Miranda Bailey needs her for a consult. She walks towards the radiology room hoping the resident will be alone, but she can't suppress a sigh when she sees Meredith Grey looking at the films next to Miranda. It's a shame, really. Miranda Bailey looks like the kind of person she could get along with. If only she wasn't always surrounded by interns that hated Addison on principle.

"Doctors." She walks into the room and looks at the pictures in the screens, choosing to pay Meredith as little attention as possible. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." And the way Bailey said her name – respectfully and without a hint of any personal opinions one way or the other – makes her feel like the brilliant surgeon she is for the first time since she arrived in Seattle. A brilliant surgeon. Not Dr. Shepherd's adulterous wife who happens to be a great surgeon as well. "How old is he?"

"He's twenty-six." And she ignores Meredith's glare even though she's pretty sure it's burning two holes on the back of her head. "Survivor, huh?" It's a rhetorical question. Of course he is a survivor. But she needs some time to think, and she doesn't want to hesitate in front of Grey, so she'll make small talk until she has the answer. "And then some. My patient for the last five years. I'm not gonna lose him now." And she has to wonder how they do it. How they treat patients for five years without going insane. She gets close enough in the few months they stay under her care, she can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like to treat them for years. "You planning a laparotomy?" Dr. Bailey nods slightly. "Yeah, but his lungs…"

"Hmmm… You know, I think I could help you with this. I've seen one case like this before in a nine year old. We ended up having to do a total pancreatectomy."

And she's Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd again. Confident and kind of a genius, if she may say so herself. "I'd be honored to take any help you can give me." Addison smiles at the resident, about to say something nice, but Meredith speaks before she can begin. "You're a neonatal specialist. What… uh… this isn't your area. I'm just saying that…" And she may have a soft spot for Grey, but she's not gonna let her doubt her professionalism, so she decides to interrupt her before she can finish talking. "I did two years of genetic research in cystic fibrosis. I've pretty much seen it all, Dr. Grey."

"Oh."

She almost feels sorry for her. Really, she just made a fool of herself in front of her two bosses and her boyfriend's wife. And, if she'd showed some of those balls Addison actually respects, she probably would have been a bit gentler. But she hesitated, she babbled a bit, and Addison just couldn't let her get away with it. If she's gonna act like an insecure little intern, that's how she will treat her. But she's not cruel enough to drag the humiliating moment more than the strictly necessary so, after telling Dr. Bailey she'll meet them in Jeremiah's room, she excuses herself and leaves the two younger women alone, happy to have a few minutes for herself.

She buys a decaf coffee and a chocolate donut even though it's almost lunch time – because she's gotten used to having breakfast minutes before noon now that Blob makes sure the food doesn't stay in her stomach for too long if she dares have breakfast at a normal time – and finds an empty gallery to sit down and eat without having to worry about patients, moody interns-turned-patients, hateful interns or even more hateful soon to be ex-husbands. She eats her breakfast slowly, as if asking for permission to put food into her stomach, and can't help but feel thankful for the manageable morning sickness. If she eats a tiny bit before getting up and waits a few hours before having a real meal, chances are she won't even feel nauseated at all.

Addison sits back and relaxes on her chair, and she slides her hand slowly down her stomach, her face showing deep concentration as she tries to feel the small bump she swears she saw this morning. The third unsuccessful search makes Addison pout and accept Blob is taking its sweet time beginning to show, even though she's getting close to the edge of sanity while waiting to look at least a little bit pregnant. She knows it's normal – first time mothers usually start showing later than the rest – but she can't help but want her bump already. Especially because in days like today, when the nausea leaves her alone and nothing in her body is bothering her, she would love to have that bump letting her know she is actually going to have a baby in thirty weeks, and it's not all a dream.

Her phone rings just when she's about to stand up, and she smiles as she answers the call. "Sav! Hey, how are you doing?" Savvy smiles at her friend's cheerful voice, and decides the daily nagging about the divorce papers can wait a few more minutes if it means they can have a friendly talk. "We're good, Mark came over last night, I think Weiss is gonna leave me for him very soon." Addison chuckles, glad to know the men are back to being as good friends as they were before everything changed. "Weiss would never leave you, but he may ask for a polygamous arrangement." Savvy laughs at her friend's words, and chooses not to tell her she's having some doubts about Weiss not leaving her lately. The genetic test results aren't back yet, and she doesn't want to worry her over nothing.

"How are you and Savvy Junior doing?"

Addison laughs into the phone. "Savvy Junior?" Her friend smiles as she speaks again. "Well, you don't expect me to call the baby Blob, do you? You and Mark may not care, but my godchild deserves a name. Its godmother's name." Addison laughs harder this time, and it takes her a moment to catch her breath long enough to speak. "You know Mark told me Weiss is referring to Blob as Weiss Junior, right?" Savvy sighs into the phone, making a big deal of sounding as annoyed as she can. "What kind of name is Weiss anyway? I love my husband, but I won't let you do that to the kid. Now, how are you two doing?"

"We're good, no sickness, still no belly, all is good." Savvy doesn't buy it, and she's almost insulted by the lack of fake cheerfulness in Addison's voice – her friend can be a damn good actress and she expects brilliant performances after thirty years – so she decides it's time for the gentle nagging to begin, and formulates the question she's been avoiding for the length of the phone call. "Have you given him the papers?" Addison nods as if Savvy could see her – and Savvy knows she's nodding even though she can't – and takes a deep breath before answering her friend's question. "Yes, I gave Derek the divorce papers about an hour ago, Savvy."

And then it hits her.

She's been calm and collected for the last sixty minutes. She hasn't thought about Derek, their divorce or the papers she signed two nights ago. But now she's said it out loud, and suddenly it all becomes real. Her marriage is over. Soon, Derek will not be her husband anymore. "… are you okay, sweetie?" And she knows Savvy has probably said many supportive things before her brain decided to tune in, but she's too busy trying to wrap her mind about the real magnitude of the whole situation. No more Derek and Addison. No more Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. But that's not the worst part.

The worst part is knowing the Derek she fell in love with is gone for good. She won't feel his morning stubble on her cheek as he wakes her up with kisses. She won't fall asleep to the sound of his rhythmic breathing or come home to the sight of him cooking for her. Deep down, she's known it for a long time. He changed, she changed, and they weren't that couple anymore. The couple with the endless smiles and loving kisses. The golden couple. Derek and Addison. But now, it really is over. Now it's official. And she tries not to cry, but her brain gets to the part where she's no longer a member of that family, and the tears start flowing when she realizes she's not an aunt anymore.

"I gave him the papers."

Savvy hears the first sob moments later, and she's glad in a way. She's finally letting herself mourn the end of her marriage, and that's good in her book. "I'm sorry, Addie. But you'll get through this, you're not alone. You have me and Weiss, Sam and Naomi and Mark and Savvy Junior." Savvy hears a sound that was quite possibly a chuckle mixed with some serious sobbing, and she decides she won't get mad for Addison finding the idea of a little namesake so utterly hilarious, because at least she's laughing, and that's all that matters. If she can't be there to hold her and feed her cheesecake and ice-cream, she at least wants to make her laugh.

The sobs begin to fade after a moment, and Addison sniffles slightly before speaking again. "God, I'm sorry, Sav. Must be the hormones." And Savvy doesn't bother telling her that the hormones probably have nothing to do with the pain of losing Derek, because she knows her well enough to be sure she's already aware of that. She just likes acting as if she was above feeling pain, or loss, or sadness. And Savvy humors her, because – in her experience – bursting Addison's little bubbles of denial is about the worst thing you can do to her.

"Leave the hormones alone, they're helping with Savvy Junior." Addison laughs again, and she's about to say something when her pager beeps and she suddenly remembers she's at work and not curled up on Savvy's couch. "I have to go, Sav. Duty calls." Savvy smiles into the phone and nods slightly. "C-section?" And Addison shakes her head and stands up, drying her eyes with the sleeve of her lab coat. "Pancreatectomy." Savvy doesn't bother asking for a definition – if she's learnt something from being Addison's friend, it's that the number of letters in a medical term is usually directly proportional to the disgusting potential – and chooses to nod instead. "Good luck, doctor."

"Thank you, Sav."

Addison gives herself a moment to finish calming down and make sure no one will be able to tell she's been crying before walking out of the empty gallery. She knows she'll see more than her fair share of Meredith today, and she's going to have to stay professional if she doesn't want to either scream at her or start crying in the middle of the surgery. Walking along the corridor towards Jeremiah's room, Addison can't help but wish she had his chart right now. At least that way she could focus on reading it and memorizing all the facts and figures, and it'd make it easier to forget about everything that officially changed the moment she handed Derek those divorce papers.

Meredith and Bailey are waiting for her outside the patient's room when she gets there, and she greets them with a nod before walking inside, her brain instantly blocking out everything that's not medical. She smiles warmly at Jeremiah when Grey begins presenting his case, and she notices Bailey's doing the same. She figures it's the adult equivalent of her gently tickling her tiny patients when she explains their symptoms. A way to comfort them. Grey finishes talking, and Addison decides it's time for her to explain the procedure that Meredith has just defined in perfect medical talk.

"We won't know for sure until we go in there, but it looks like I'm going to have to take out your pancreas and re-route your intestines."

"Did you tell her that my lungs don't do well with anesthesia?" Addison looks at Dr. Bailey, almost expecting her to snap at the kid who's questioning her professionalism, but the doctor smiles and answers with a smile on her face. "Don't I always have your back?" She knows Jeremiah is nervous, and she'd love to have the time to explain everything in a way that would make him relax, but his chart and the monitor in the room tell her there really is no choice. "Your kidney function is decreasing rapidly and I'm afraid you're gonna go into multi-system organ failure if we don't operate."

"If I say no?"

And she's almost ready to forget about the lack of time and try to convince him, but Bailey speaks again before she does. "There's no guarantees, Jeremiah. You know that. It's gonna be a long, hard surgery, and it'll put a lot of stress on your body." She smiles slightly when Jeremiah interrupts her with a smirk on his face. "Yeah, but I'm me." And Bailey surprises her again when she replies with a smile of her own. "But you're you." Addison's still thinking about the differences between cold and professional Bailey and warm and professional Bailey when Jeremiah looks at her again. "So, if we don't operate… I die. And if… we do operate, I may die."

"Basically, yes."

"Well, I like those odds. And twenty six years with this disease is awesome, and that's the reality. So, if I get lucky… great. And, if I don't… it's been sweet." Addison decides not to look at his hand when it joins Dr. Bailey's, and wonders if there's even one single doctor that never gets attached. She thinks there isn't. "It's gonna stay sweet." And Bailey throws his hand back, the atmosphere in the room lighter than Addison expected it to be considering the circumstances. She asks Meredith to prep him for surgery and follows Bailey outside after a few minutes, wondering how inappropriate it would be for her to start a friendly chat. She's Meredith's resident after all, which means she's on Grey's side by proxy.

Addison decides against the friendly conversation and is about to walk away when Bailey's voice makes her stop. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I'd like to thank you for your consult. It…" But Addison shakes her head with a smile, letting her know there's no need for that. "It's been my pleasure, Dr. Bailey." And she keeps walking with the smile still on her face, adding Bailey to the list of people she's sure she'd be friends with under different circumstances. She has Burke and Bailey so far, and she's fairly sure she could add many more names if the rest of the staff would talk to her at all. She steps into the elevator with a sigh, telling herself it won't be too long before she can go back to Manhattan, where few people know her and nobody hates her. Her phone rings almost as soon as she walks out of the elevator and towards the attendings' locker room, and she can't suppress a smile when Mark's name flashes on the screen.

"Hey! I wasn't expecting you to answer, Weiss said Sav said you had a pancreatectomy."

She chuckles slightly at his greeting, and walks into the locker room to talk. "Do you and Sav ever speak at all? Or is it always via Weiss?" He pretends to think for a moment while she sits down on a chair, and she can feel his smile when he speaks again. "Yeah, always via Weiss. It makes it more interesting. You never know if the information is correct, and it gives our boring lives a thrill every once in a while." Addison laughs again, shaking her head slightly as if he could see the pretend judgmental look on her face. "See, this is why I can't leave you three alone in Manhattan. You need permanent supervision so you won't act insane."

She hears Mark chuckle on the other side of the phone, and she decides to speak again before he says something else and they spend the whole hour before the surgery laughing at each other. "Anyway, the surgery's not for another hour. Did you need anything?" She knows he didn't. She also knows it's far more likely for him to be calling to offer her something than to ask her for something, but she decides assuming that would be too cocky, ever for her. "Well, Weiss said Sav said you were having a rough time, so I figured I'd check on you, see if you were feeling better." Addison smiles at his words, happy to see Savvy was right when she said she wasn't alone. Not that she doubted it, but it's still nice to have some proof. "I am. Thanks for calling, though. Means a lot."

"She said you gave him the divorce papers today."

And she's surprised to feel a sharp pain when he mentions the divorce. She wasn't expecting it to keep hurting over and over again. "I did." Addison blames the hormones for the sudden urge to cry, and mentally kicks herself when she hears a small voice in her head telling her the hormones probably have nothing to do with it. "I'm sorry, Addie. How are you feeling?" And she doesn't know if it's Mark's concerned voice or the divorce or a combination of the two, but her voice breaks when she speaks again. "I'm fine."

She's sure he knows she's crying – and she doesn't forget to curse his gift for reading her even without seeing her – but she has to be thankful for him letting her cry without trying to soothe her. Then again, she knows he knows she sometimes needs to let it all out and become a sobbing mess for a little while before she can function again. Damn him and his Ph.D in Addison Forbes Montgomery. It would make things easier if she had a reason to yell at him. A reason to scream and swear and tell him all the things she can't tell Derek. Not because he doesn't deserve to hear a piece of her mind – because he definitely does – but because she figures she lost the right to be offended when she screwed his best friend on their bed. After all, a few years of being ignored is nothing compared to being cheated on, right?

It takes her a few minutes to finally calm down, and she has to admit she feels much better than before. "So, I'm sure you already know this because you're the best OB/GYN and all that, but do you know what it is today?" Addison assumes it has something to do with Blob and tries to think about something other than being ten weeks pregnant. Because she's pretty sure not even Mark could find something to be excited about in being ten weeks along. She gives up after a moment, and Mark speaks before she can tell him she has no clue about the exciting news. "Blob is a fetus now. We don't have an embryo anymore, Addie."

If someone had told her she'd be close to crying because her embryo just became a fetus, she'd probably have laughed at them. Right now, though, she's ridiculously proud of Blob for making the transition from embryo to fetus. If there was a card that said "Congratulations on losing your tail", she'd probably buy it in a heartbeat. And, deep down, she knows part of the wide grin on her face comes from knowing she's not the only weirdo who's excited about the milestone. Mark is happy too. For a man who keeps repeating he doesn't know how to be a father, Addison thinks he's doing quite an amazing job. And that's surprising her more than it probably should.

"Have you been reading OB/GYN books, Mark?" And he chuckles slightly, knowing she's as excited as he is. "I did go to med school, Addie. Remember? Big building, hot chicks, books…?" It's her turn to laugh now, and she shakes her head as she answers. "I thought you'd erased all the pink and squishy facts from your brain after our residency." And she can feel his smile when he speaks again. "I did. Not my fault if my best friend has drilled them back in over the years."

Her pager beeps right then, and she stops laughing when she sees Meredith's name on the screen. "I have to go, the patient's prepped, Derek's kid's impatient." Mark doesn't buy her half-assed try at Cold and Detached, and he doesn't laugh at the kid joke. "Are you sure you're fine, Addie? Because you know I can hop on a plane and be there in a few hours." She smiles and shakes her head, knowing he actually meant what he said. "I'm fine. I will be, anyway. I'm busy with the surgery, and I just have to wait for Derek to sign and I'll be on my way home." He nods and smiles when he talks again. "Take care of our fetus." She chuckles slightly at his words. "I will. Thanks for calling, Mark."

"Anytime, Add."

She hangs up and gets her salmon scrubs from the provisional locker Richard assigned her, and she takes a moment to look at herself in the mirror before she puts on the scrub top. Still no bump, and she's getting a little impatient. She knows it's probably better to keep it secret while she's in Seattle, but she can't help but want at least a tiny hint of a fetus – not embryo – growing inside of her. She gives up after a few moments and puts on the scrub top before walking out of the locker room and towards the elevator.

A nurse hands her Jeremiah's chart as soon as she steps out of the elevator, and she gives it one last quick read before the surgery. She knows Jeremiah's chances aren't great, but she still has hope. It's her job to be confident in herself when the patients can't. Addison sees Meredith at the nurses' station waiting for her, and she follows the intern's gaze towards the policemen talking to a couple behind one of the curtains.

"Well, nothing like a domestic dispute to liven up a pre-op, huh?"

Meredith gives her a look that makes her suspect she's heard about the divorce papers, and she isn't impressed when the intern walks towards Jeremiah's bed blatantly ignoring her. It's one thing to admire the young woman for standing her ground and not being intimidated by Addison, but she's cheating now. If she knows she's given Derek the papers, she has no reason to feel threatened by her. Which makes her ignoring Addison a petty behavior instead of a brave one. And, if the moment wasn't as solemn as it is with Jeremiah signing a DNR form, she probably would show Meredith what bitchy actually means.

A few moments later, Addison follows Bailey and Meredith to the OR, ready for the high of a surgery to take her mind off everything else. The three women scrub in in silence, and Addison pins her wedding and engagement rings to the front of her scrub top, as she always does. She wonders if she'll be able to stop doing it when the divorce is final. It's her thing. Like Derek's little greeting and Mark's mental "It's gonna be fine". She pins her rings to her scrub top, and it makes her feel safe and calm. She lets out a small sigh and decides that – at least for now – she still has the right to feel safe and calm by pinning those rings to her scrub top, and joins Bailey and Meredith in the OR.

The surgery goes smoothly while Addison does her job on Jeremiah's pancreas, and Addison's feeling more and more confident the more Bailey and her work on re-routing his intestines. This may work out, after all. She can't help but feel slightly awkward working with organs that are the size of her usual patients, but she quickly gets over it and her team work with Bailey is nothing short of perfect. It's not surprising, considering she's the best. And that's what she keeps telling herself when a quick look at the monitor lets her know things aren't going as well as she was hoping for.

"I need more traction. Dr. Grey?"

Meredith finishes helping Bailey before turning her attention to retracting Jeremiah's duodenum, and Addison looks up for a second when Bailey asks the anesthesiologist for an update on the patient's condition. "Harder to ventilate, and no urine output since we started." Addison knows what that means. "He's shutting down." Bailey gives the anesthesiologist instructions, but the monitor beeps signaling bradycardia, and Addison knows Jeremiah's chances are even slimmer than before. "Try ventilating him manually. See if he starts coming back up."

Addison's eyes stay on the monitor until Bailey speaks again, her voice less confident than usual. "Did we miss any bleeders?" Addison checks again and shakes her head softly. "The surgical field is clear." The monitor signals agonal rhythm moments later, and Addison steps aside. Do not resuscitate. She closes her eyes for a second, waiting for Bailey to call time of death, but she's surprised when she hears the resident start CPR and ask for epi instead. "No extraordinary measures, Dr. Bailey. He's DNR."

"No. This is just good medicine."

Everyone stops what they were doing, and Addison shakes her head softly. She was hoping this wouldn't happen. The only thing harder than stepping away from a DNR patient is seeing a fellow doctor struggle to do the same. Meredith substitutes Bailey with the CPR a few minutes later, and Addison makes a small nod against her own will. Stupid as it is – and it's very stupid – she knows she would have done the same for Richard. The unspoken vow to always be on your mentor's side, as Mark likes to put it.

She lets Meredith go on for a little while before she decides it's time for Jeremiah's wishes to be respected. "Dr. Bailey, his intestines are cyanotic. There's no blood circulating. " But Bailey shakes her head and takes over from Meredith, starting CPR yet again. "It's been shunted to his brain, where he needs it." Addison looks up for a second and her eyes meet Meredith's, and they're not Derek's wife and girlfriend anymore. They're two doctors worried about both a patient and a colleague. And she knows she has to be the one to stop this.

"It's been ten minutes since we've had a perfusing rhythm." Addison gently tries to stop Bailey, but she shrugs her off and Addison steps aside. She won't forcefully remove a fellow doctor from a patient. Another unspoken vow. The monitor flat lines moments later, and she takes a deep breath before speaking again. "It's your call, Dr. Bailey." The resident continues CPR for a little longer, the sound of the monitor reminding them of the lack of movement in Jeremiah's heart.

"Time of death: 19.26"

Bailey walks out of the OR quickly, and Addison decides to stay and sign all the paperwork needed to declare Jeremiah officially dead. She knows Bailey, as his doctor, should be the one to do it, but she also knows the resident's probably not feeling like his doctor right now. She goes through the paperwork slower than normal, wanting to give Bailey some time alone, and she waits until Jeremiah's body is covered before walking out of the OR.

Miranda stays silent when Addison starts scrubbing out, and she leaves without a word soon after Meredith joins them. Addison knows the resident hates her right now. She blames her for not doing enough and for not letting her do enough, even though they both know they did everything they could. She also knows Meredith probably doesn't understand it as well as she does, and she decides to play the attending part and teach her something instead of focusing on their personal issues.

"It's hard to accept the end when you're too close."

She slides her rings back on her finger, and it's then that she realizes just how true her words actually are. It is hard to accept the end. Addison looks up to find Meredith looking at the rings on her finger, and she knows what she's thinking. She's threatened again. And she could let her suffer for a while, let her think she's going to try and make Derek go back to New York with her, but she decides that's not what she wants to do. She's tired of giving her reasons to agree with Derek when he calls her Satan.

"Look, I don't want someone who doesn't want me, Meredith."

And she's surprised to realize how true it is. She really doesn't want the new Derek. "This is not a competition. It never has been." Addison can't read the expression on Meredith's face, and she decides to finish the conversation. "I'm leaving Seattle." And she walks out of the room before Meredith can say a thing.

She arrives at the hotel an hour later, ready to get into bed and let this day end already. Divorce papers, hurtful words, a dead patient and being a country away from everyone who could make her feel better are more than enough for twenty four hours. She walks across the lobby and past the reception desk, but the receptionist's voice stops her before she reaches the elevators.

"Dr. Montgomery? There's a package for you."

She signs the form still slightly confused, and gets the brown box marked "Urgent" from the receptionist before walking to the elevator again. She opens the box as soon as she closes the door of her room behind her, and a smile appears on her face as soon as she sees the box of instant cocoa inside. She sees a note next to it, and her smile widens when she reads it.

_"Instant juju for transcontinental cheering up._

_One of the miracles of food technology, if you ask me._

_W & S send their love to you and our fetus._

_Miss you,_

_Mark."_


	14. You Drive Me Half Crazy

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters. They all belong to Shonda.

* * *

**14 ****You Drive Me Half Crazy**

"So you haven't talked to him yet?"

Addison walks into the hospital even though she doesn't have any patients to see, and she sighs when Savvy's voice on the phone asks her the question she was wishing she wouldn't ask her. "No, Sav, I haven't seen him yet. That's why I'm at the hospital. To see him." She walks into the elevator seconds later, and once again curses her bad luck first thing in the morning. The one day she actually wants to see Derek, and it's the one day he isn't making gooey eyes at Grey by the elevators. "So you're coming home soon?"

Addison shrugs slightly. "I hope so. I'll send the papers to Brian as soon as Derek gives them to me, and then we just have to settle the divorce and I'll go back home." She's happy to realize it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Apparently, instant cocoa and a night of crying her eyes out was all she needed. "Good. How are you doing, sweetie?" Addison smiles at Savvy's always comforting voice and steps out of the elevator as she replies. "I'm good. How are you guys doing?"

"We're okay, but I think Mark's become Weiss puppy and he'll be devastated when you come back and he stops being his only friend." Addison chuckles slightly and walks briskly through the corridors trying to find Derek. "I'm glad you guys are fine. I can't wait to go home." She pouts slightly when she reaches the end of the corridor and still hasn't seen Derek. "I can't wait for you to be back. I kind of need your medical advice." Addison stops walking, and her voice shows concern when she speaks again. "Medical advice? Are you all right, Sav?"

"I'm fine; it's nothing you should worry about. Listen, I have to go, take care of my godchild and call me when you talk to him, okay?" Addison isn't convinced, but she sees Bailey walking into the interns' locker room and makes a mental note to interrogate Savvy further the next time they talk. "Okay. Bye, Sav." She hangs up and walks towards the locker room, poking her head inside when she reaches the door. "Has anyone seen Dr. Shepherd this morning?"

"His name is on the OR board. He should be here, somewhere."

Bailey's not-so-useful reply lets her know she's getting in the way of the interns' work, and she walks away with a sigh, hoping to find Derek soon so she can leave the hospital and be one step closer to going back home. She decides to try Richard's office in case Derek's there, and she walks into an empty elevator for the second time that day. For a hot spot in Seattle Grace's relationships, the elevators are awfully quiet now that she actually has someone she wants to see.

She knocks on the door to Richard's office moments later, and she lets out a sigh when she sees Derek's nowhere to be seen. If she didn't know better, she'd think he was avoiding her. Richard greets her with a smile, and she returns it as she speaks. "Have you seen Derek today?" Richard shakes his head. "I've seen his name on the board, though. He should be here, somewhere." Addison frowns slightly, annoyed, and mentally promises to whack the next person who tells her that. "So I've heard."

She decides she can stop looking for Derek for a while to talk to Richard, and sits on one of the chairs in front of him. "Have you and Derek talked things through?" She knows Richard wants them together. He loves them both, and he only wants to see them happy. She wishes he understood being apart is the only way that's going to happen. "I gave him divorce papers. Does that count?" Richard frowns slightly, and for a moment she thinks he's going to give her a lecture on the correct way to tie a scrub cap, like he did when she first saw that frown all those years ago.

"I never thought I'd see the day when you gave up on a fight."

Addison smiles sadly at her mentor as she shakes her head softly. "There's nothing to fight for, Richard. Our marriage is over." Richard doesn't look too convinced, and she looks at him as she goes on. "Someone told me once that I had to learn when to stop fighting. Learn to see when fighting for something will do more harm than good." Richard nods and smiles slightly. "That someone was a very wise person." And Addison chuckles, happy to see he's understood. "He is indeed."

"So you're leaving us soon?"

Addison takes a deep breath, hoping Richard won't offer her a job and make everything even harder for her. "Yes. As soon as the divorce is settled." Richard stays silent for a moment as he looks at Addison, making her feel like he's reading her mind. It's a gift he has. And she figures it has something to do with being someone's mentor, because she's seen Bailey do it to her interns a few times already. "What are you not telling me, Addie?"

There it is. The mysterious ability to read her mind. She'd hoped it'd go away when she finished her residency, but apparently she wasn't lucky enough for that. "Nothing, Richard. I came here for a consult and to give Derek the papers. And I've done both things, so there's nothing else for me to do here." She knows Richard has probably seen through her once again, and she silently wills him to let it go. She really doesn't want to lie to him, but she doesn't think she'll be able to tell him why she really wants to go back home. "But there is something for you in Manhattan, isn't there?"

Addison sighs and looks down, wondering if she should tell him about Blob, and Mark, and the perfectly complicated life she's living right now. She opens her mouth to speak, but a nurse walks in before she can say anything, and she lets out the breath she'd been holding, thankful for the interruption. "This conversation isn't over, Addie." And she chuckles at his impersonation of a pissed off attending as she walks out of the office, leaving him with the nurse.

Addison walks towards the cafeteria minutes later, mentally willing Blob to cooperate and let her eat something that will make her stomach stop growling in protest. She's about to walk into an elevator when she sees Dr. Burke walking towards her, and she smiles at one of the very few friendly faces she's seen in Seattle. "Dr. Shepherd. Still here, I see." Addison smirks as she speaks again. "I couldn't leave you." Burke smiles at her, and she decides to give the Derek search another try. "Have you seen the other Dr. Shepherd?" Burke's face lets her know he hasn't, and she tells herself he's going to have to exercise a lot of self-control if he mentions the OR board. "I'll tell him you're looking for him." Addison nods at him, thankful for the new answer, and she looks at him as he walks away towards Cristina, leaving her alone and on her way to the cafeteria again.

Addison keeps walking towards the cafeteria, looking around for Derek but almost resigned to the fact that he is, indeed, avoiding her, and she picks a salad when she gets there, frowning slightly at the sight of the hospital food. She should be used to it after all these years, but she still finds it as disgusting as ever. She sits at one of the tables and sets the tray in front of her, and she's about to start eating when her phone rings and the screen flashes the very familiar name.

"Hey, Addie! How are you doing?"

"Much better. Thanks for the juju, by the way." She sits back on the chair, and Mark's voice shows he's smiling when he speaks again. "Anytime. When are you and our fetus coming back?" She chuckles slightly, swallowing the piece of lettuce she was eating before replying. "Hasn't Weiss told you what Sav told him I told her?" Mark takes a second to speak again. "You lost me on Weiss, Addie." She laughs slightly louder this time, making a few of the people in the cafeteria look at her as if they'd seen a ghost. Then again, a ghost was probably more usual in the hospital than a happy and laughing Addison. "I'll be there soon. Just have to find Derek so he can give me the papers, and the divorce should only take a few days." Mark nods on the other side of the line, and his voice sounds serious when he speaks again. "You haven't seen him yet?"

"Not yet. I've been looking for him for hours." She hears Mark sigh on the other side of the phone, and she's glad to be able to share her frustration with someone. "You don't… you don't think he's gonna want to give it another go, do you?" Addison can't suppress a chuckle when she hears his words. "And give up his whirlwind romance with the cute little intern? I don't think so." Mark surprises her when he doesn't join in on her laughter. "He may not be as stupid as he looks like, Addie."

Addison shakes her head softly. "He's going to sign those papers, Mark. In his own words, he can't wait to see me hop on my broomstick and fly back to Manhattan." Mark snorts on the other side of the line. "He may be even more stupid than he looks like, then." Addison chuckles slightly at his words. "I think both of us have done plenty of stupid things lately." And Mark is glad that she can't see the hurt in his face when he hears the last words. He is her stupid thing, after all.

"But, hey, this will be over soon. We can move on with all of this, he can have his intern, I can go back home, and we may even be able to go back to being friends, eventually." Mark shakes his head, but he decides not to tell her he doubts that's ever going to happen. He'd rather have happy Addison in denial than sobbing Addison in touch with reality. "You never know, right?" Addison smiles and nods at his words. "You never know."

Addison uses the silence that follows to eat another bite of her salad, and Mark speaks before she can swallow. "Addie? Are you chewing something?" She swallows and blushes slightly. "Salad. I'm sorry, I know I'm disgusting. I blame Blob for making me hungry." Mark chuckles at that. "That's okay, feeding Blob is more important than your manners. Are you eating lunch alone? I didn't think you were capable of that." She smiles and shrugs slightly as she takes a sip of her water. "I'm getting used to it. I like to think it's training for my new life as a single woman."

"We can still have lunch together when you come back. Single women do have lunch with their friends, you know." Addison chuckles slightly into the phone. "You know what I meant." He does know. She meant she's going to be single when she comes back, and is apparently happy about it. She meant there's no way her divorce will mean she'll go back to him. Give him a second chance. She meant he's being delusional when he thinks he still has a chance at being with her. "I know, Addie." And he suddenly isn't in the mood for talking anymore. "I'll let you go back to your salad. Call me, okay?" Addison nods as she speaks again. "Okay. Bye, Mark."

"Goodbye, Addie."

Addison finishes her lunch a few minutes later and goes back to the surgical wing, hoping to find Derek this time. She's walking towards one of the rooms when the lights go out and she stops in her tracks. If there's one place where the lights should never stop working, that's the surgical wing of a hospital. She decides Richard is probably the one to ask if she wants to know whether everything's under control, and she sighs annoyed when she sees the elevators aren't working. She heads to the stairwell and is about to start walking upstairs when she hears Richard's voice calling her name behind her, and she turns around to face him.

"Richard. Is everything all right?"

Richard hands her a piece of paper instead of an answer, and she starts reading it as they walk through the dark corridor. Lightning hit a sub station. We're running on backup generators. One of them is down." Richard puts his hands on his hips and looks at her as if everything was her fault. "Richard. Breathe." Richard stops walking and gives her a look that lets her know she shouldn't have said anything. "The only direct means of transportation from the ER to the OR isn't working. Don't tell me to breathe. I'll breathe if I wanna breathe."

He starts walking towards Bailey and Burke, who are watching as some people try to open one of the elevators. Addison decides to follow him, and she shakes her head when Burke tells them there are two interns and a GSW to the chest inside the locked elevator. This is bad. Richard puts his hand to his forehead in frustration, and she decides he needs someone to talk to him before he has a heart attack. "Good air in, bad air out." Richard's annoyed looks let her know her advice wasn't appreciated, and she decides to leave before things get even uglier.

"I should get going. Doctors."

Addison walks away and asks the nurses if there are any laboring women that may need her help. After making sure she isn't needed at the hospital and seeing Derek's name on the board next to a surgery that's taking place right now, Addison decides to walk outside and find something to do. Her first day off in Seattle wasn't supposed to go like this. Actually, her stay in Seattle wasn't supposed to be long enough for her to have a day off.

She spots a bar across the street from the hospital, and she decides it looks like a good place to kill some time until Derek's surgery is over. Maybe if she'd had this idea a few years ago, she would have spent her nights having fun at a bar instead of crying at home. Then again, she's not sure alcoholism is better than adultery, so maybe it was for the best. Addison walks into the cozy bar moments later, and she sits at one of the stools at the bar, smiling at the friendly looking bartender when he approaches her.

"What can I get you?"

"I'll have a…" She suddenly realizes a bar isn't really the best option for a pregnant woman. "I really didn't think this through." The bartender chuckles and she speaks again. "I suppose there's no such thing as a virgin appletini, right?" The bartender shakes his head, amused. "I can offer you an apple juice, though." Addison nods and thanks him with a smile.

"So, new in town?"

Addison nods and takes a sip of her juice when he puts it on the bar in front of her. "I've been here for two weeks. Do I give out a tourist-y vibe?" The bartender chuckles and goes back to cleaning some glasses. "The appletini gave you away." Addison nods and smiles, glad to meet someone who doesn't know her at all. It's refreshing after two weeks. "Doctor, right?" She nods again. "I am. What told you that? The non-alcoholic drink?" The bartender laughs as he speaks again. "Everyone's a doctor in here. The non-alcoholic drink made me doubt you were one, actually. I'm Joe, by the way."

Addison shakes his hand with a smile. "You're good at the guessing game. Addison Shepherd." Joe's smile falters slightly at her words. "Shepherd? You're Dr. Shepherd's wife?" So much for finding someone who didn't know her. Addison nods softly as she speaks again. "I prefer to say he's Dr. Shepherd's husband, but that works too. I guess you hate me by proxy, right?" Joe smiles and shakes his head. "I'm the friendly bartender. I don't hate anyone." Addison half-smiles, unconvinced, and Joe speaks again. "Why don't you leave the guessing game to me? You kind of suck at it." Addison laughs and takes another sip of her juice. "Sounds good to me."

Addison orders a second juice when she finishes her first, and decides stepping into the bar was a very good idea after all. Friendly conversation with a stranger and pretending she's not actually drinking apple juice was exactly what she needed. "You know, you're really not as scary as I thought you would be." Addison chuckles and cocks her eyebrow. "Seriously? Because I'm at my scariest when I'm laughing and being friendly." It's Joe's turn to laugh now, and she smiles as she finishes her drink. "I can see why people would be intimidated, though." Addison decides to take it as a compliment. "Thanks, Joe."

They keep talking for a while, Addison having more fun than she'd had in weeks and not even thinking about Derek for a while, and she stops mid-laugh when Joe stops talking to look at the door. Addison looks over her shoulder to follow his gaze, and her smile fades when she sees Bailey's interns walking into the bar. Meredith's eyes meet hers, and she decides this isn't the best time to play a power game with Derek's intern. She sighs softly and reaches into her purse, but Joe's voice stops her before she can get her wallet. "It's on the house." Addison smiles and puts on her coat. "Thanks. For the friendly conversation, too." He nods as she starts walking again.

"It was a pleasure, Dr. Shepherd."

She walks into the hospital minutes later, knowing Derek should be out of surgery by now and hoping she'll find him soon. She exhales relieved when she sees him sitting in the lobby, and walks up to him. "I have been looking everywhere for you." Derek doesn't look at her when she speaks again. "Well… you found me." Addison suppresses the urge to whack him upside the head and scream at him the exact number of hours she's spent playing hide and seek with him, but she decides this is probably not the time nor the place for that. "So? You're gonna give me those papers or not?" Derek looks at her for a moment before he finally replies.

"No."


	15. I Don't Wanna Make No Scene

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Addison, Mark, Derek, Meredith, or any other characters. I do own Blob, though, but that's not much. They all belong to Shonda.

**A/N:** I just realized I haven't been posting where the titles come from facepalm They are all lines from the songs that made the titles of the episodes. So this one is from "Into You Like A Train" by Jawbreaker. I hope you'll enjoy! :

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**15 I Don't Wanna Make No Scene**

_No._

Addison stays silent, wide-eyed, waiting for him to laugh or smile or do anything that will let her know this is some kind of sick joke. Because it just has to be. But Derek hands her the papers, and she takes a step back when she sees the blank space above his name. "You haven't signed." Derek frowns slightly. "Well, that's kind of what I meant by 'no', Addison."

She shakes her head slightly, as if she was trying to physically clear her mind. "But… why?" Maybe he didn't agree with something. Maybe he wants to talk to his lawyer first. Maybe… "Because. You're my wife. We're Derek and Addison." Or maybe he's gone completely insane. "No. Not anymore. You said it yourself. Before you disappeared for three months, remember?" Derek looks at her, confused, as if she's suddenly grown a second head. "But you… I thought this was what you wanted!"

Addison lets out a small sigh in frustration. "Seriously, Derek? What gave me away? My dreamy sighs while you insulted me? My loving glances when you flirted with Grey? The signed divorce papers I gave you?" Derek stares at her silently, and she takes a deep breath before speaking again. "Sign the papers, Derek." He suddenly raises his eyebrows, and she swears she can hear the small click in his head when he looks at her.

"Why are you suddenly so impatient to get a divorce?"

Addison sighs and shakes her head softly. "Derek, don't do this. We're not in love anymore. We don't want to stay married. Just sign those papers." Derek stands up at that, studying her face as if she was a particularly complicated brain tumor that he had to fix. "What is going on, Addison? Is there someone else?" And she can see his face change when his mind takes him to the next step in his reasoning. "Is it Mark!?" Addison's eyes widen slightly at that, and she knows he's seen through her. In love or not, and regardless of the various adulterous relationships, they've been married for eleven years. They know each other too well to hide anything. Luckily for her, their pagers beep with a 911 message at the same time, and she rushes towards the ER as she calls over her shoulder.

"Sign the papers, Derek."

Addison takes a moment to focus when she gets to the ER and sees every bed and gurney – and even some wheelchairs – occupied with patients. A nurse tells her there's been a train wreck, and she quickly walks over to the first pregnant woman she sees, eager to start helping out. "Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd. Can you tell me your name?" Addison starts performing the ultrasound while the patient answers. "Brooke. Is my baby all right?" Addison nods and smiles slightly when she finally finds the baby's heartbeat. "Your baby is fine, Brooke. I'll go find someone to get you to a room and I'll be right back."

She walks past a sad-looking Meredith and approaches Dr. Bailey, who's standing with three of her interns. Yang, Stevens and the one that looks like he could cry if you scared him enough. O'Malley. And she feels her anger towards Derek rising for keeping her here long enough to learn the interns' names. "I've got a third trimester burn victim here, Dr. Bailey. I'm gonna need some help." Three hands go up immediately, the interns eager to be chosen, and Addison wonders if they've all suddenly forgiven her for existing. Then again, it's a known fact that interns would sell their mothers for a surgery, so it's not surprising that their loyalty towards Grey isn't so important right now. She really doesn't miss being an intern.

Bailey assigns a very cheerful Stevens to her case, and Addison leads her back to Brooke's gurney. "Brooke, have you had any contractions?" Brooke shakes her head. "No. I don't think so." Addison nods and looks at Izzie. "Let's find you a bed. We're gonna have to monitor you closely. Dr. Stevens?" Izzie nods and puts the chart on the gurney before finding a janitor to help them move Brooke to the maternity wing.

They get to the room a few minutes later, in silence, and the tension between the two doctors is almost visible in the air. They settle Brooke on her bed and Addison starts getting the monitor ready as she gives Izzie the friendliest look she can manage, considering the circumstances. If she didn't know better, she'd think Derek told everyone about the papers. "You can start cleaning those burns, Dr. Stevens." Addison watches as the intern starts working, and she goes back to the monitor when she's sure Izzie knows what she's doing.

They keep working in silence for a while, and Addison does her best to ignore Izzie staring at her. But she's tired, hungry and – worst of all – still married, and she decides she's not in the mood to play pre-teens. "Dr. Stevens, do you need something?" Izzie answers with a dry negative and Addison goes back to the monitor, focusing on the patient instead of the intern. "Ow!" Izzie apologizes when Brooke protests in pain, and Addison looks at the print-out from the monitor, nodding slightly when Brooke asks where the pain came from.

"It was definitely a contraction. We need to book an OR."

Izzie nods even before Addison tells her what to do and rushes out to book the OR, and Addison can't help but think she looks quite promising. She doesn't know yet – she hardly knows her – but she looks like the kind of doctor that could become something great with the right guidance. Brooke's terrified face brings her back to reality, and Addison looks at her, trying to calm her down. "Look, you are in no shape to push, and the baby is still in some distress. We're going to have to proceed with a C-section." Brooke nods softly, and Addison has to admit she's surprised by the patient's apparent calm. "Ok… but can we call a lawyer first?" Addison looks at her, confused, and Brooke decides to explain. "I don't have a will. And there's no father. And in case something happens to me…"

Normally, Addison would have told her everything was going to be all right. She'd have done her best to calm her down as quickly as possible and then rush her to the OR. Normally. But she's just realized no one would call Mark if something happened to her and Blob, and she can empathize with Brooke. "There's no cause for panic, Brooke. We have some time, okay?" Brooke nods again, slightly more relaxed. "Okay."

Addison asks a nurse to find her a lawyer and leaves the room a few minutes later, still thinking about what Brooke said. If something happened right now, Derek would be the one making every medical decision concerning her and Blob. He definitely wouldn't call Mark, and she doubts he'd think of calling Savvy. If something happened after the divorce, she'd have no one to make her medical decisions for her. No husband, no next in kin, no boyfriend, no nothing. If it happened while she's still in Seattle, she doubts anyone would notice.

She thinks maybe Richard would, eventually. After a couple of days of missing a surgeon. And it would take Derek a few days to realize no one's there messing up his relationship with Grey. No one would notice, probably, and that's the scariest thought yet. She comes back to reality when her phone vibrates in her pocket, and she answers with a sigh, still busy thinking about the possibility of some kind of accident putting her and Blob's lives in danger. "Addison Shepherd." She doesn't know who's calling her – she forgot to check the screen before she answered – but she immediately recognizes the concerned voice on the other side of the line.

"Addison! Are you all right? I've been calling you for an hour!"

"Mark?" She looks at her watch, and a quick math tells her it's not morning yet in Manhattan. "I was with a patient, I must have missed it. What are you doing up? What's wrong?" Mark's voice sounds as concerned as it did when she first answered the phone, but slightly more impatient. "I just got home from the hospital and saw the crash on the news, are you and Blob all right?" Addison smiles and shakes her head. Mark would notice if something happened. Of course he would. "I have a car, Mark. The last time I set foot on a train, I wore braces and answered to Carrot Top."

She hears Mark's sigh of relief when he hears her words. "So you're both all right?" Addison smiles and nods. "Tired, hungry and cranky, but perfectly fine." Mark's voice finally goes back to normal. "Good. I was ready to hop on a plane already." Addison chuckles and starts walking towards a vending machine, hoping for a quick snack before the surgery. "You keep offering to hop on a plane. I think you secretly want to visit Seattle."

Addison can feel Mark's smirk when he speaks again. "You know I have a thing for ferryboats." She smiles at the long-running joke between both Derek and Mark and starts unwrapping a Mars bar as she listens to mark talking on the other end of the line. "So, how's everything going? Any news since yesterday?" Addison knows that's his way of asking about Derek without actually mentioning him, and she sighs as she answers his question.

"He didn't sign the papers."

Mark stays silent for a while, and Addison takes a bite of her candy bar before looking at her phone to check if it's still on. "Mark?" He still doesn't answer, and Addison is about to try again when he finally speaks. "Why didn't he sign?" Addison sighs and shrugs, wondering the same thing herself. "Momentary loss of sanity? He seems to think I don't want him to sign."

"Do you?" Addison rolls her eyes, annoyed at everyone's inability to understand the simplest of concepts. "Him signing was kind of the whole point of giving him the papers, Mark." She takes a second bite of her candy bar as he speaks again. "So, what are you gonna do?" She swallows before answering, slightly concerned about Mark's cold voice. "What do you mean what am I gonna do? I'm gonna talk to him, and…"

Mark interrupts her before she can finish, his voice colder than before. "Are you going back to him?" Addison smiles in disbelief. "What? No! Of course not, why would I…" But he interrupts her yet again. "I don't know, Addison, why would you stay with him for the past five years in the first place!?" Addison stays silent after that, shocked by the first mention of her crappy marriage from someone who isn't herself. "You're staying with him, aren't you? You're considering it!" Addison can feel her anger rising as Mark starts sounding more and more like he has some kind of right to ask her for explanations. As if he wasn't only her friend. "Have you even thought about someone that's not Derek, Addison? What about you? What about…"

"You, Mark? What about you? Well, what about you!?"

They both fall silent after Addison's enraged interruption, and she surprises herself by wishing he'd say something. Tell her it is about him. That he doesn't want her to go back to Derek because he still loves her. She's about to start giving herself a mental lecture when she hears Mark's voice again, quiet and completely emotionless. "I was gonna say what about Blob." Addison takes a deep breath before she speaks again, trying to ignore the fact that his words hurt a little more than they should. "I am not going back to him." He doesn't answer, and Addison decides she's had enough. "I have to go. Thanks for calling." And she hangs up before he can reply.

Addison walks back into Brooke's room after throwing the rest of her candy bar in a trash can, and she does her best to smile as she checks the monitor, making an effort to push both Mark and Derek out of her mind. She's about to tell her they're running out of time when a very pregnant woman walks into the room, calling Brooke's name. She sees one of Bailey's interns – the cocky one with the nice eyes, whatever his name is – standing on the doorway, and she walks towards him hoping for an explanation. "Dr. Karev?"

He doesn't correct her, so she assumes her guess was right and that is actually his name. "I couldn't stop her…" Everything clicks in her head, then, and she interrupts the intern before he can go on. "She was on the train?" Karev nods – dumbly, if you ask her – as he replies. "Yeah. Yes." And Addison has to resist the urge to smack him. "You did an ultrasound? Cleared her C-spine? Is there any reason you can think that this patient should be wandering the hospital unattended?" The intern tries to defend himself, but Addison decides she's had enough male stupidity for today and interrupts him again, barely controlling her anger.

"You can leave now, Dr. Karev."

Karev leaves, clearly upset, and Addison sighs as she walks up to Izzie. "Irresponsible. Even for an intern." Stevens looks at her as if she had been the one putting the patient in danger – or maybe it's as if she'd married Meredith's boyfriend, she can't tell – and Addison cocks her eyebrow at the blonde. "What, you disagree?" Izzie replies angrily. "She wanted to see her friend. I mean, what was he supposed to do? Tackle her?" Addison takes a deep breath and decides the talk about the many options that aren't tackling or ignoring can wait until another time. "Dr. Stevens, why don't you get our new patient into a bed? Shall we?"

Jana refuses to lay down and chooses to sit on the chair next to Brooke instead, doing the standard breathing exercises with her. Addison tears her eyes away from the monitor after a while and looks reassuringly at Brooke. "We're going to give you the epidural now, Brooke. You'll go into surgery in about an hour, and this will make you comfortable until we get to the OR." Brooke nods between contractions, and Addison gets everything ready for the epidural. She can still feel Izzie's accusing glare on the back of her head, and she decides this is a good moment to start fighting her reputation as Satan.

"Come here, Dr. Stevens. I'll teach you how to do it."

Izzie smiles in a way that lets Addison know she actually likes her specialty, and once again she wishes things were different. She has a feeling she'd make a good team with Stevens. She hands her the needle and helps Brooke onto her side, letting Izzie start working on her own. The intern hesitantly holds the needle, and Addison keeps watching her as she gives her some directions, her voice gentler than it's been in weeks when talking to someone who's not a patient. She really doesn't want to ruin a possible professional relationship. "Right there, in between the vertebral spaces. Don't be shy about pressure."

Izzie smiles proudly when she finishes, and Addison is about to compliment her on her nice work when Richard's assistant walks into the room. "Somebody called for a notary?" Brooke looks up at that. "I asked for a lawyer." Izzie looks questioningly at Addison, but Patricia starts explaining the situation before Addison could begin to speak. "… it just says that in case of death or permanent vegetative state, your child will remain in the custody of… and then we'll put her name in."

"Wait, what? Who's dieing here?"

Addison gives Jana a reassuring look. "There's some danger. With any surgery, there's danger. But with the trauma of Brooke's burns there's an additional risk of shock. She just wants to be certain." Jana isn't happy at first, but Brooke eventually convinces her, and they both start signing the forms. They all stay silent for a while, until Izzie speaks again. "How long have you two been together?" Brooke is the one who answers. "Since third grade."

Jana speaks after her friend, a smile on her lips. "We're not lovers. We're best friends. We just wanted our kids to have two parents, so we got a sperm donor." Addison grins at that. "The same donor? So your babies are brother and sister?" Jana nods and Patricia voices what everyone was thinking, making Izzie and Addison smile at the two friends. "Oh, how cool is that?"

Their smiles father after a moment, though, when Jana announces her water just broke. Addison and izzie help her onto the bed next to Brooke's and hook her to a monitor, making sure both her and the baby are doing all right. Addison looks at Jana after a moment, a warm smile on her face. Everything looks normal, there's no need to worry." Jana nods at her words, and Addison looks at Izzie, noticing a complete lack of resentment on the intern's face for the first time since she met her. "Dr. Stevens, I'm gonna go find an OB resident. I need you to keep an eye on Brooke, Jana and the babies. Page me if anything changes." Izzie nods and goes back to looking at the monitors as Addison leaves the room.

She asks one of the nurses at the station to page an OB resident for her, and decides to wait there until the resident arrives. She could have sent Stevens instead, but she knows the best way to earn an intern's respect is to let them see you're not using them as your personal secretaries. She also wants to see if Stevens can take the pressure of being alone with two laboring women. If only Izzie had gone to Manhattan for her residency, she could have seriously considered mentoring her.

She waits for a few minutes before she decides to go to the OB wing and ask for a resident in person, and she's about to reach the elevator when she hears a familiar voice behind her. "Addison!" She turns around with a sigh. "Not now, Derek." She really isn't in the mood to deal with him right now, and she keeps walking without giving him a second thought. She's going to go into surgery soon, and she doesn't need him taking her concentration away. "Yes, now. I'm not going to sign." Addison stops walking at that, and turns around with a defeated expression on her face. "Why are you torturing both of us, Derek? You want to be with Grey, and I…"

"You want to be with Mark."

Addison clenches her jaw, feeling strangely protective over a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. "I want to go back home." Derek crosses his arms over his chest, clearly far from convinced. "I am not signing until you tell me what the hell is going on, Addison." And it's something about the way he says it – letting her see he knows he has all the power in this situation – that makes her stop caring about hurting him. "I'm pregnant, Derek. With Mark's baby. Sign the damn papers." Derek's jaw drops at that, and he looks at her with a mixture of hurt and confusion in his eyes. He is about to say something when another doctor walks up to them.

"Dr. Shepherd? I'm Dr. Hoffman, from OB."

Addison shakes Dr. Hoffman's hand before looking at Derek again, her voice as stern as the look in her eyes. "Sign." And she leads Dr. Hoffman to Brooke and Jana's room before Derek can add anything, clearing her head of everything non-medical as soon as she walks inside. Izzie looks up from the monitor when she notices she's back, and starts talking even before Addison can begin asking any questions. "Everything looks good, Dr. Shepherd. Brooke's baby is still in some distress, but it hasn't gotten worse since you left."

Addison offers her a nod and a smile, appreciating her professionalism before turning her attention to Jana. "Jana, this is our OB resident, Dr. Hoffman. She's going to be taking care of you from here." Jana nods her agreement and Addison walks towards Brooke's bed, leaving the resident to do his job. "Brooke, we've booked an OR, but they're not gonna hold it for long, so we need to go now." Brooke looks at her nervously as she replies. "Right now? But we're supposed to be together… we took classes." Addison shakes her head softly. "I'm sorry, but we can't wait."

Jana finally convinces Brooke that it's okay to go, and Addison looks at Izzie as she starts moving Brooke's bed out of the room. "Dr. Stevens?" But Brooke nods in Izzie's direction, sounding nervous again. "No. If I have to go, she has to stay. Someone has to stay with Jana. Please." Addison is secretly proud of Izzie for earning the patient's trust, but she also knows she'll hate her forever if she makes her stay. On top of marrying Derek, that is. "Brooke, Dr. Stevens is a surgeon, but I'm gonna find you someone…" Izzie surprises her by cutting her off. "It's okay. I'll stay." Addison smiles and nods as she moves Brooke's bed out of the room, glad to see she wasn't wrong when she judged Stevens.

"Okay."

A nurse and a janitor take over pushing the bed as soon as Addison walks out of the room, and they start walking towards the elevators when Addison hears Derek's voice behind her once again. "We need to talk." Addison shakes her head and keeps walking without looking at him. "I'm on my way to the OR, Derek." He watches them walk away for a moment before he raises his voice, wanting to get her attention. "Are you sure it's Mark's baby?"

Addison – and the nurse, and the janitor, and the earth itself if you ask her – freeze at that, and she somehow manages not to blush as she looks at the two people next to her. "Get everything ready. I'll meet you in the OR." She turns away slowly, willing herself to resist the urge to physically attack him. "Yes, Derek. I'm sure." His voice is even louder when he speaks again, but she doesn't care anymore. A nurse, a janitor and who knows who else already knows, and she's familiar with the hospital's rumor mill. "So you stayed with him!?"

"Oh, please, Derek, quit the victim act already! I was with Mark, you were with Grey. I cheated on you and that was unforgivable, but it doesn't make your relationship with her any less adulterous." Derek stays silent for a moment, looking at her as if she'd just told him Santa wasn't real, and shakes his head before speaking again. "Are you _completely_ sure it's Mark's?" And it's Addison's turn to raise her voice now. "Of course I am!"

"Oh, so you're actually capable of keeping your legs closed?"

And, for a moment, Addison actually wonders if she knows the man in front of her. Her voice is cold and emotionless when she speaks again, and she practically spits the words at him. "It's not that hard when you're feeling loved every second of the day." Derek puts the papers he'd been holding on a gurney and signs them forcefully, and Addison knows he's picturing her face on the dotted line. "Mark is such a good guy. Always making plenty of women feel loved at the same time."

She's sure he can see the flash of pain in her eyes when he looks at her, handing her the signed papers as he speaks. "Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess now we both know how that feels." She gets the papers from him, and her voice is colder than before when she replies. "I'll send these to Brian. I'll go home as soon as it's settled." She walks away and doesn't turn around when she hears him behind her.

"I can't wait."

Addison makes a quick stop at the locker room on her way to the OR and leaves the papers in her locker, slamming the metal door shut as soon as the papers hit the shelf. Typical. She finally gets what she wanted, and he manages to make him feel awful about it. Almost as if he cared about their marriage. Logically, she knows he doesn't. But that isn't stopping her from feeling like a cold-hearted bitch.

She knows she deserves it. She hurt him, and he has every right to hurt her back. But that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to be pissed off about it. Most of all, though, she hates how he knew Mark had cheated on her. The way he'd made her feel like she was just another one of Mark's women. As if she'd thrown her marriage away for nothing. On the bad days, she thinks she did. She thinks it was just sex and friendship. She thinks it was just the need to change for her, and another fling for him. Most days, though, she's sure it was more.

It felt like more. There were days when she thought she'd fallen in love with him. Days when she saw herself growing old with Mark. She knew about the other women, the ones before Charlene. But at one point, she also knew he was being faithful, and she chose to forget about all of them. When Charlene happened, though, she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stay with someone who'd run to the first available woman the moment they had a fight. Especially considering how often they fought. Hell, they even fight now, and they aren't a couple anymore. Addison likes to think that's because they actually care about each other.

The OR works its magic on Addison the moment she steps foot in it, and thoughts of Mark and Derek are immediately replaced by the facts about Brooke's condition. Her previously shaky hands still as soon as she holds the scalpel, and no one could tell she's just been on the verge of a meltdown just by looking at her. Brooke's baby boy is all that matters. Failed marriages and relationships are ridiculously unimportant compared to saving a baby's life.

"He's wedged up under her ribs. We're going to have to pull him out on three. One, two…"

Addison smiles warmly the moment the little boy starts crying in her arms. Even after all these years, that first cry never fails to amaze her. A new life. A tiny little boy that's going to grow up to be a wonderful person – because she refuses to believe any baby she's brought into this would could be anything short of wonderful – that will make the world a little bit better. She likes to think that makes up for all the bad choices she's made in her life.

She hands the baby to a nurse and closes Brooke before congratulating her team on a job well done and stepping into the scrub room. She scrubs out feeling much better than before the surgery and walks into the hall to do some paperwork while she waits for Brooke to wake up. Her phone rings before she can begin to write, though, and she answers with a smile.

"Sav! How are you doing?"

"He didn't sign!?" And Addison sighs as she replies. "Your human chain of information isn't up to date. He did sign. About an hour ago." She sits on a gurney as she listens to Savvy's voice, her feet protesting after almost two days of constant standing. "That's good, right? So you're coming home soon?" Addison massages her forehead with her hand, thinking about it for the first time since he signed the papers. "I hope so, Sav. But going by the fight we had when he signed, I'm not expecting the negotiations to be smooth."

"You told him about Junior, didn't you?" Addison nods. "Yeah. Wait… Junior, Savvy?" Savvy fakes an offended tone when she replies. "Mark vetoed Savvo for a boy. Go figure. So I thought I'd go unisex." Addison laughs into the phone. "I'm gonna have to take Mark's side on this one." Addison can tell Savvy's rolling her eyes when she speaks again. "You're turning down an awesome namesake, but whatever you want. By the way, I heard you and Mark had a fight."

"Yeah… well, it's us, right? When are we not fighting?" Savvy takes a moment to answer Addison's rhetorical question. "I don't know, when you're not being a couple?" Addison stays silent for a moment, thinking about it. She knows Savvy's right. She also knows she can't keep thinking about it if she wants to stay sane. She doesn't think she can take thinking about her hypothetical feelings for Mark and her divorce from Derek at the same time. After waiting for Addison's reply for a moment, Savvy decides to change the topic to the actual reason for her call. "So, Derek. How much of a jerk was he?"

"He wasn't one. He was rightfully upset." Savvy sighs at her words. Of course she'd defend him. "Did he act as a jerk while he was being rightfully upset?" It's not that she doesn't think Derek doesn't have the right to be upset. It's just that – if you ask Savvy – he used up all his Hurt Addie cards in the last five years. "No, Savvy. We were both upset, we said some hurtful things, that's all." And Savvy decides not to push the subject.

"Well, I'm glad to hear he wasn't a jerk." Addison stifles a yawn and stretches her back a bit, the surgery high starting to wear off. "Have you slept at all tonight, Addie?" Addison makes a negative sound and nods at the nurse who's just informed her that Brooke is awake. "There was an emergency. Listen, I have to go, my patient's awake." Savvy nods softly. "Get some sleep, Add. Junior needs it to grow." Addison smiles as she gets up from the gurney. "I will. Talk to you later, Sav."

Addison is still smiling when she checks on Brooke and the baby boy, and her smile is even wider when she walks out of the room after making sure they are both all right. She gets to the maternity floor a few minutes later and walks into Jana's room, nodding to herself when she sees Izzie watching over the patient. Personal problems aside, she is a good doctor.

"Morning."

"How's Brooke?" Izzie doesn't smile – she isn't even friendly – and Addison can only assume she hasn't heard about the divorce yet. The rumor mill in this hospital may not be as fast as the one at Mount Sinai. "She's good." They start walking out of the room as Izzie speaks again. "And the baby?" Addison nods and stands beside her at the nurses' station. "He came through, too."

Addison stays silent for a moment, wondering if she should offer Stevens the opportunity to study under her for as long as she stays in town. She is a good doctor, but she's not sure she can keep her feelings under control, and she won't learn anything if she's busy hating her mentor. "So… have you made a decision yet, Dr. Stevens?" Izzie looks slightly confused and keeps working on her paperwork. "I'm sorry?"

"Whether or not you're going to hate me?"

Addison knows she has her attention when Izzie looks up at her. "You're Meredith's friend. I'm the wicked witch who came in and ruined her life and cheated on doctor… wait, what is it that you guys call him?" Izzie looks embarrassed as she speaks again. "McDreamy." Addison makes a mental note to tell Savvy – she'll get a kick out of that one – and keeps talking. "Right. God, doesn't that embarrass him?"

"Yeah, I think it does." Izzie's dry voice lets her know a friendly chat is not going to happen, so she decides to go back to her point. "Yeah. Well, by all rights, you should hate me." Izzie shrugs slightly. "I guess." And Addison is happy that she at least didn't say she did. "Except that I'm going to be staying in town for a while." A very, very short while, if all goes well. "You are." And Addison knows what the intern's thinking – that she's staying in Derek's fisherman trailer, as if she was insane enough for that – but she decides she's not the best person to talk to about the end of her marriage, so she goes on instead. "Yes. And you show a real gift for my specialty. And I have a lot to teach if you wanna learn. So?" Izzie shrugs again, but Addison can tell she's interested. "So?"

"So, when you decide how important it is for you to hate me, let me know."

She arrives at the hotel room an hour later, ready to pass out from the exhaustion, but she knows she won't be able to sleep. Not yet, anyway. She gets her phone from her purse and dials the number she knows by heart – she has a strange aversion to speed-dial numbers, for some unthinkable reason – and puts the phone to her ear, hoping he won't be too busy at the hospital. He answers after a short wait, and she doesn't bother with a greeting before going straight to the point. "Mark. You were a jerk."

She says it matter-of-factly, and he answers in the same way. "Yes, I was. You were a bitch." She nods softly, as if he'd said the most obvious way in the world. "Yes, I was." They fall into a comfortable silence that lasts a few seconds before she speaks again. "So we're good?" She half-smiles as she answers. "I'm a bitch and you're a jerk. That's as good as we get." He chuckles slightly at that. "Good. Go to bed, Addie." She nods and stifles a yawn. "Bye, Mark."

And now, she knows she'll be able to sleep.


	16. People Are Talkin'

A/N: I'm really sorry it took me so long to update this. I haven't had a moment to sit at the computer in a while, but I'll go back to more speedy updates from now on. I hope you'll like this chapter, even though it's been a while :)

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**16. ****People are talkin'**

"There's definitely a bump there, Sav."

Addison runs her hand down her stomach once again, smiling at her reflection on the mirror when she feels the barely visible curve. "I'm telling you, Addie, I don't see it." Addison sighs into the phone. The bump is definitely there, and she's sure it's perfectly visible in the picture she just e-mailed her best friend. "Well, it is there! You're just not looking where you're supposed to be looking." She hears a chuckle before Savvy speaks again, and Addison frowns slightly. Her best friend isn't taking her seriously, and she doesn't like it one bit. "I'm pretty sure I know where a pregnant bump is supposed to be. And I'm sorry, sweetie, but there's nothing there yet." Addison turns to her other side and studies her reflection again. She can see it, and she's sure it is there. It's not her desperately wanting to see it. "What kind of godmother can't even see her godchild?"

"Hey! I'll have you know I'm gonna be the best godmother ever. Junior will be lucky to have me." It's Addison's turn to laugh now. "You will be… as long as you can see the baby, that is." Addison hears Weiss on the other side of the line, and she assumes Savvy's showing him the picture when she asks if he can see anything. Weiss answers with a yes, and Addison smiles proudly into the phone. "Weiss Jr. it is, then!" Savvy laughs at that. "Fine, your invisible child can have his name. I'll save mine for the actual baby." Addison shakes her head as she buttons her shirt. "God, Blob will be so hurt when we tell this story. Can you imagine?" Addison uses a high pitched voice to do her little child impersonation. "Aunty Savvy, why couldn't you see me? Did you not love me?" Savvy chuckles heartily at Addison's words. "Look at you, using your child to manipulate people already. Just like real moms do."

After a few moments of laughter, Addison hears Weiss ask Savvy if she's told her yet, and she speaks as she finishes putting the essentials in her purse. "Told me what?" Savvy sounds slightly less chipper when she replies. "Nothing important, don't worry about it." Addison frowns at her friend's words. "No, I worry. Is it about the medical advice thing? Do you need me to go there?" Savvy sighs and fakes a carefree tone of voice that doesn't fool Addison at all. "Seriously, Addie, it's nothing urgent. I did some tests and I just want your opinion, that's all." Addison shakes her head, knowing Savvy's far too stubborn to be forced into talking. "Promise me you'll tell me if it becomes something I need to worry about. Or I'll be in the first plane there."

"I promise."

Half an hour later, Addison walks into the impeccably decorated office of the best divorce attorney in Seattle. It's been a week since Derek signed the papers, and they're finally going to start with the negotiations. She doesn't know what to expect from this meeting. Maybe Derek will be so eager for her to go away that he'll make things easy. Maybe he hates her so much that he'll make it hard. Following the rule Richard drilled into her brain when she was an intern – hope for the best but be prepared for the worst – she's ready to fight over CDs and books and go to war over a crystal vase. But she still hopes that won't be the case.

The lawyer starts speaking as soon as she takes her seat, and Addison can't help but find this completely unreal. She's getting a divorce. "Derek says that neither of you brought your assets into the marriage." Addison nods slightly. "Well, I had my trust fund. And a sparkling personality. And the futon couch." She decides the situation is far too serious not to try and lighten the mood a bit. She doesn't want to be the standard Bitter Wife. "Yes, Addison had a very ugly, very heavy futon couch." The dry tone of his voice lets her know Derek has nothing against being the standard Bitter Husband, and she decides not to give him the satisfaction of a reply.

"What else?"

The lawyer looks at their file. "Aside from Addison's trust fund, which will remain in her name, we'll split everything down the middle. The only thing that gets complicated is the real estate." Derek speaks then, without looking at Addison. They haven't acknowledge each other's presence yet. "Well, let me make this simpler. I'd like to keep my trailer and the land in Seattle. She can have the brownstone." The lawyer nods and looks at their file again. "So that leaves the house in the Hamptons." But Addison shakes her head. "Hold on. I don't want the brownstone." The lawyer speaks again, calmly, and Addison can't help but wish he'd realize how non-calm this situation is. "The easier way to do this would be to sell the brownstone and split the money between both of you."

They both fall silent after those words. It's one thing not to want the brownstone – and neither of them do – but selling it is completely different. It's not that she has anything in that house that she wants to have… she really doesn't. But it's their home. It's been their home for eleven years, and thinking about selling it is something she can't even begin to imagine. She knows it's stupid to be so attached to a house when the memories and everything else that made it special are now completely gone, but she can't help it. It's their home. None of them speak for a while, and the lawyer decides to go on. "If Addison keeps the brownstone, the Hamptons would go to Derek. His land, the trailer and the house are worth around the same as the brownstone." Derek nods at that, but Addison interrupts again. "I'd rather keep the Hamptons. Derek can have Seattle and the brownstone."

"That's very generous of you, Addison…" But Derek is not as convinced as the lawyer. "I don't want it. I'll keep the Hamptons, you keep the brownstone." Addison sighs frustrated. She doesn't even know if he's doing it on purpose. "You hate the Hamptons, Derek." And he nods, his face as emotionless as before. "I do. I hate the brownstone even more." Addison rubs her temples, trying to stay calm. She knows they're mere inches away from the point where the yelling starts. "So, sell the brownstone. We'll split the money." And he's still completely cool when he speaks again, making her wonder if he really hates her so much this doesn't affect him at all. "Why don't you keep it, then? You sell it, you keep the money." Addison's voice sounds slightly exasperated when she replies. "Because I actually love the Hamptons, Derek!"

He's about to reply when the lawyer cuts them off. "This is actually very simple. Addison can keep the Hamptons, Derek keeps Seattle, and you sell the brownstone and split the money. Now, since Seattle is worth more than the Hamptons, Addison would get a bigger fraction of the…" But Derek interrupts him. "We each paid for half of that house. The fair thing would be to split the money in half." The lawyer shrugs slightly before replying. "I suppose that could be arranged. If you gave Addison the trailer, then you'd be…" And that's all it takes to make Derek go from calm and collected to furious and enraged. "I am not giving you my trailer!"

Addison's voice matches his in anger when she replies. "Do you think I want it!? I'm not the one who's become a flannel-wearing, wood-chopping fisherman!" And he raises his voice once again, the illusion of a civil and friendly divorce disappearing. "And I'm not the one who's become an adulterous whore! This is your fault, you should take responsibility for…" But Addison cuts him off. She's had enough of his victim act. "That's what I've done! I'm the only one that's taken responsibility for anything at all in the last fifteen years!" The lawyer interrupts the argument, his voice still serious and calm. "If we can't reach an agreement, this will have to be dealt with in court." Addison looks down, trying to make sense of the whole situation, and Derek is the one who speaks.

"Fine by me."

Addison arrives at the hospital an hour later, after setting a last-chance-before-court meeting for later today. She was hoping they wouldn't get to that point. She thought they'd be able to reach an agreement like adults. But they obviously can't, and now they're one small step away from court. They really are one of those couples. She never thought they'd end up like this. And she tells herself this is at least one step forward. They are finally getting a divorce, and it'll happen soon. Soon, they'll be able to move on with their lives. She tells herself that's a very good thing.

After spending some time checking up on her patients, Addison goes to the nurses' station to get some paperwork done. She doesn't have anything else to do, just her luck. One of those days when she really needs a distraction, and apparently the pregnant women are on strike. She tries to concentrate as much as possible on the boring paperwork in front of her, but Izzie's voice brings a very welcome distraction when she's barely started writing.

"Dr. Shepherd, we need you to perform an ultrasound on one of our patients." Addison looks at the chart Izzie's just handed her, and looks questioningly at the intern in front of her. "This is a man, Dr. Stevens." Izzie nods excitedly as she replies. "A pregnant man. He just took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. Dr. Bailey sent me to find you." Well, this is certainly a distraction. And she trusts Dr. Bailey's judgment not to question Izzie's words. She knows a pregnant male is impossible, but she also knows Bailey wouldn't have called her for nothing. "All right, let's go see that patient."

They start walking towards Mr. Herman's room in silence, Izzie almost skipping in excitement and Addison trying to find a logical explanation for a positive pregnancy test in a male. They reach the elevator moments later, and Izzie speaks the second the doors slide shut. "Dr. Shepherd, about your offer from last week…" Addison nods, encouraging her to keep talking. She's pretty much avoided everyone at the hospital since the scene with Derek from last week, and she'd almost forgotten about the offer. "I've decided I don't hate you at all." And Addison nods again. She figured a divorce would be enough to put her in the interns' good books. "So?" Izzie speaks as they walk out of the elevator. "So… I'd be honored to study under you. If the offer still stands." Addison half-smiles at her. She'll enjoy teaching Izzie for as long as she has to stay in town. "I'll talk to Dr. Bailey about assigning you to my service." Izzie smiles brightly – and makes Addison wonder if she's always this shiny – and leads Addison into Mr. Herman's room.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd."

After acknowledging the crowd of people surrounding Shane's bed with a polite nod, Addison starts performing the ultrasound, trying not to think about anything else. The almost visible atmosphere of excitement that fills the room contrasts with Grey's somber face, and Addison can't help but wondering what's up with that. Shouldn't she be smiling like Stevens? Being happy and in love and screaming that she got McDreamy back? It's been a week, that's more than enough time for the golden couple to go back to cloud nine, isn't it? And yet, here she is, looking sleep-deprived and miserable, and Addison wishes she had something resembling a friend that could tell her what's going on.

"The first pregnancy test was a joke, to make Tina laugh."

Shane's words bring Addison back to reality, and she nods as if she understood. But she doesn't. Why does a male get a positive pregnancy test? She knows there's an explanation. She knows she knows that explanation. But she feels like she can't reach that corner of her brain when that explanation is stored, because there's a big solid wall of questions about Grey's mood in front of her. But her brain isn't cooperating, and she chooses to blame her pregnant brain instead of a momentary loss of professionalism. "We didn't think it'd lead to… you know, this." Addison takes off her gloves and smiles reassuringly at the scared couple in front of her. "Mr. Herman, I can assure you, you are in no way pregnant." The patient sighs, relieved, and Addison gets ready to leave the room. "It's a relief to hear it. You know… officially." And Addison smiles again as she leaves the room, happy to be free from the excited crowd inside.

"I heard he didn't take him back"

Addison has barely walked out of the room when she hears the nurses talking. She's not one for gossip – the latest months being the one gossiped about have made her try to stay as far as possible from the gossip mill – but she can't help but listen. She wasn't even planning on it, but a mention of "McDreamy" makes her realize they're talking about Meredith and Derek, and she just has to pay attention. She's only human, after all.

"Good for her. I mean, he did choose his wife at first." So Grey had actually showed some self-respect? Addison nods to herself, impressed. She's proud of the intern, for some unthinkable reason. At least now she can't say she's just another brainless twit that's too infatuated with the dreamy neurosurgeon to stand up for herself. "And he's still married, technically. She won't even think about it until the divorce's finalized and the other Dr. Shepherd's gone." And it suddenly makes even less sense for Derek to make the divorce harder than it already is. Unless he cares more about keeping Addison in Seattle and away from her friends than about making his relationship with Grey work, that is. And it's oddly comforting to think about it.

The two nurses leave to answer a code moments later, and Addison decides she's not nearly focused enough to do her paperwork and looks around, trying to think of something else to occupy her day. If only a woman would have her baby today. But the maternity ward is still as quiet as before, and she's almost made peace with the fact that she's going to live with her far from busy day. She spots Richard looking at the board and walks towards him, ready to have the chat she's been avoiding for a week. It's not that she doesn't think Richard will be happy for her. Of course he will be. But she doesn't want to talk about her having Mark's baby with a man that thinks of Derek as a son. As much as he loves Addison, she knows he can't be too happy about that.

"You've been avoiding me, Addison."

She nods softly, and looks down for a second before replying. "I'm sorry, Richard, I haven't felt like myself lately, and…" But he cuts her off with a smile. "Nothing to apologize for, Addie. I understand you wanting to keep it to yourself for a while." Addison returns his smile and sighs relieved at his words. Of course he wouldn't hold it against her. "Anyway, how are you and that baby doing? Are you keeping an eye on yourself? Making sure everything's going all right?" Addison chuckles at Richard's concerned face. The man thrives on worrying about everyone. "Everything's fine. I'm taking care of myself, don't worry." And Richard fakes a severe expression when he replies. "I can't not worry. You kids will be death of me." And he finishes with a brilliantly delivered "Interns these days…" that sends Addison into a fit of laughter, and Richard smiles warmly at her.

"It's good to see you laughing again, Addie." Addison nods, returning his smile. "It's good to laugh again." And she really means it. Her life is finally beginning to improve, and she's happy about it. She was getting tired of being serious all the time. "You know, Seattle is a wonderful place to raise a child. Lots of parks, good schools…" Addison shakes her head as she follows Richard towards the elevators. "Richard, don't start…" But Richard ignores her protest and speaks again as he pushes the button to get an elevator. "I'm offering you a job. A position as head of neonatal surgery in the best hospital on the West Coast. A fresh start." She shakes her head again. "It's not a fresh start, Richard. Derek's here, and…" But he cuts her off as he walks into the elevator. "You said it yourself. Derek's not the same Derek you knew. It is a fresh start."

"Think about it, Addie."

And she does. She thinks about it as she walks out of the hospital, and keeps thinking about it as she drives to that spot she found in her Best Of Seattle guide. She is thinking about it. She wants to go back home. She does. Or maybe she just wants to go away. Away from Derek. Away from everything he represents. Then again, Manhattan is – whether she likes it or not – Derek. The old Derek. His co-workers, his friends, his house. Which – to make things worse – are also her co-workers, her friends and her house. She won't get a fresh start in Manhattan. But her friends are there. Savvy, and Weiss, and Mark. Especially Mark. But she still has them, doesn't she? She talks to them everyday. They still have her back. She doesn't think moving to Seattle would change that. She could visit. They could visit. No. She wouldn't lose her friends.

She takes a turkey sandwich out of the brown back she was holding as soon as she reaches the top of the building, and takes her first bite as she looks at the city below her. What about Mark? He wouldn't be able to see Blob every day. Maybe he doesn't want to. They never really talked about that. He said he'd try to be involved. He is trying. But she doesn't know how involved he really wants to be. Involved enough to see Blob every day? Or would weekly visits be enough? She doesn't know.

The sound of her phone startles her out of her thoughts, and she answers with a smile. He has that effect on her. "Mark. How's everything going?" She feels his smile when he answers, and she realizes just how much she misses seeing it instead of just imagining it. "Good, as usual. Savvy asked me if I saw something different in that picture you sent us, but don't worry. I told her you're hot as ever. Why is it named Blob.jpg, anyway?" Addison frowns at his words. "Because it is a picture of Blob! My uterus has expanded to make room for Blob, and my abdomen has grown with it. What kind of doctor can't see a pregnant belly in a picture, Mark!?"

"But… there's nothing there, Addie!" She knows he's probably squinting at the image in his computer right now, but that doesn't help her frustration. Placing her hand on the spot where she swears the bump is, she replies exasperated. "Maybe if you were capable of looking at a picture of a woman without zeroing on the breasts, you'd have been able to see it!" Mark lets out a chuckle before speaking again. "For your information, I did notice you straightened your hair. Very nice. And I'm a plastic surgeon, I'm professionally interested in breasts. Especially hot ones." Addison smiles against her will, and she doesn't sound nearly as angry when she replies. "You can bet your ass they are hot. And the bump is there."

"I just… I can't see it, Add. And Savvy couldn't, either."

"Well, Weiss could. He's obviously the only one who cares enough to make an effort." Mark lets out a chuckle before replying. "Weiss will say anything as long as it's disagreeing with Savvy these days." Addison frowns at that, slightly concerned. "What does that mean? Are they all right?" Mark takes a second to answer. "Yeah, they're fine. Where are you anyway? Those noises aren't hospital sounds." Addison shrugs slightly as she looks around, taking in the view. "On the roof of a building." And he smirks as he speaks again. "The one with the cute little viewfinders?" She nods as she walks towards one of them. "It's hardly brown-bagging it on top of the Empire State, but…" And Mark finishes her sentence for her. "At least it has a nice view."

Addison smiles and nods, happy to talk to someone who knows her well enough to understand her thing for views. "I can see the ferryboats from here." Mark chuckles at that. "You could take a picture and send it to me. Would be more interesting than the one with the invisible bump." Addison stands up straight at that, thoroughly offended. "It is not invisible, Mark, it's right here!" And she places her hand on the same spot once again as she listens to his reply. "Maybe Blob isn't photogenic, Addie. I'm sure I'll see it when you come back and I can look at it in person." Addison sighs at that, her mind going back to Richard's words.

"About that… I may stay here for a while."

"I know. Until the divorce's finalized. You already told me, Addie." She shakes her head softly, leaning against one of the viewfinders. "No. I mean… I may accept a job offer here. Richard's offered me a job, and it sounds like a good thing for me…" Mark cuts her off, sounding both confused and angry. "You mean you're moving to Seattle? And what happens with me and Blob, Addie? You can't just move a country away and expect me to be fine with it!" Addison sighs quietly. She knows he has a point. "I'm only thinking about it, Mark. But anyway, you'd be able to visit, and I'd visit too." He raises his voice when he replies. "That is not enough, Addison!"

"Are you telling me you're ready to be completely involved? To really be a father to this baby? And I'm not talking about sports here, Mark. I'm talking about sleepless nights and responsibility. No more living the free single life. Are you ready for that!?" _Say yes. Please, say yes._ But Mark takes a moment to reply, and she knows what's coming. "Not yet. But I will be." Addison sighs softly. "When? Today? Tomorrow? Next week?" Mark raises his voice again, out of frustration more than anger. "I don't know! Maybe I need more time!"

"Then I will keep thinking about moving here."

She was half-expecting him to say yes. She was hoping he'd surprise her by telling her he'd changed and he was ready for this. But he didn't, and she's not really surprised. Disappointed, yes, but not surprised. As she walks into the hospital once again, she wonders if moving here would be worth it. Sure, the pay would be better. And Richard had a point when he talked about the fresh start. But it was basically the same job, and she wasn't sure it was worth leaving everything behind. Walking into an empty gallery to have a few minutes alone, Addison closes her eyes and takes a deep breath trying to clear her mind. It's not an easy choice to make. "Have you thought about it?"

She jumps slightly, startled, and doesn't smile when she looks at Richard. It's all his fault for offering her the job. "You're asking me to move here, Richard. To pick up everything and move!" Her exasperated tone contrasts with the calm he exudes when he replies. "I'm not. I'm making you an offer that I think is perfect for you." She shakes her head, and when she speaks, it sounds as if she's trying to convince herself as much as her mentor. "Derek's here. And what about the people I'd be leaving behind?" Richard looks into her eyes as he answers, and he gives her that odd feeling that she's still an intern. "Don't make this choice for Derek. Don't make it for anyone else. Make it for yourself."

"Richard, I…" But he cuts her off before she can finish. "In Seattle you can be front page news. With your reputation and the money I'm willing to put in promoting you, Seattle Grace will be one of the foremost neonatal hospitals west of Manhattan." Addison smiles slightly. The offer is perfect, but she knows Richard has a tendency to exaggerate sometimes. Richard's serious look makes her smile falter, though. "You're serious." And it's half a question and half a realization, but Richard nods as he replies. "I'm ready to put my money where my mouth is." Addison stays silent for a moment before she speaks again. "West of Manhattan. I already am head of Neonatal _in_ Manhattan, Richard." But he doesn't seem to think that's a problem. "You don't have the opportunity of a head start on the race for chief of surgery in Manhattan, though." And she really is listening now. "Are you offering me a position as chief of surgery?"

"I'm giving you the chance."

And she's back to considering it. Back to thinking it may be just what she needs. With her personal life falling to pieces, improving her professional one sounds like her best chance at moving on. But Derek's still in Seattle, and Mark's still in New York. And then there's Blob. Mark deserves to be able to see their baby as often as he wants. But then again, she's not sure that'd be more than once a week. She doesn't see Mark as the kind of man who'd cancel a date to spend time with a baby. He said it himself. He's not ready yet.

"Three weeks, Addie." Richard's voice makes her realize her mentor's still waiting for an answer. "Our pediatric surgeon will be on leave for another three weeks. Stay for three weeks, and then you can either sign a contract or leave." It doesn't sound so bad when you put it that way. It'd give her time to think, and it'd give Mark time to figure out whether he's ready or not. "Three weeks." And – even though she doesn't say it out loud – she's asking Richard to promise he won't ask her to stay again. She'll give him the three weeks if he'll give her time to think.

"Three weeks."

Addison walks out of the hospital minutes later, ready for the meeting with Derek. If all goes well – and she's going to make sure it does – she'll have one less problem by the end of the day. She never thought she'd look forward to a divorce, but she needs the closure it will bring her. She needs to officially finish that stage of her life – the married stage – before she can move onto the next one. The divorced stage. And the mother stage. She tells herself it'll be a good stage. Surely being divorced will be better than being in a marriage that was making both of them miserable, right? She hopes so. And – deep down – she knows it will be.

Derek is already there when she walks into the office, and she knows she has to reach an agreement now. Taking it to court would only make the whole process even longer, and she doesn't want to wait any more. She wants to rip off the band-aid. The longer she lets it go on, the longer she'll hurt. At least, that's how it works in her head.

The lawyer speaks first, refreshing their memories from the morning meeting, but she cuts him off before he can finish listing their problems with the real estate. "I've given it a lot of consideration, and I've decided to accept Derek's offer. I'll keep the brownstone, he can have the rest." Derek looks at her, far from convinced. "Hold on. You love the Hamptons. What's going on?" And Addison speaks calmly, not wanting to let this end like their meeting from before. She will swallow her pride if it means she'll be able to finally move on with her life. "I've been offered a job in Seattle. If I take it, I won't be able to spend much time in the Hamptons. And, if I don't… I guess I'll have to look into buying a new house there. I just want to get this settled as soon as possible."

Derek doesn't reply, and the lawyer speaks instead. "If Dr. Shepherd agrees with that settlement, we could start the process straight away." He doesn't speak yet, and for a moment Addison wonders if he'll try to put this off once again. She wouldn't put it past him given the circumstances. "It sounds good." Addison lets out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. Finally. One les thing to keep her tied to the past few years of bad choices and worse outcomes. One step towards her new – and hopefully improved – life. "All right. Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, the divorce should be finalized in two weeks." After thanking the lawyer, Addison offers Derek her hand in what she hopes looks like a friendly gesture, but Derek just looks at it without moving. After a moment of hesitation, he finally moves to shake her hand, but Addison has already left the room.

She's not waiting for him anymore.


	17. When I Find Myself In Times Of Trouble

A/N: While I was writing this, I realized I named Savvy's mom Linda a few chapters back because I thought she wasn't named in the show, and it turns out Derek says her name's Kathleen -facepalm- I really should have watched this episode again before writing that one. The title of this chapter comes from the song "Let It Be" by The Beatles, and it's definitely the longest chapter of anything I've ever written, so I hope it won't bore you to tears xP Let me know what you thought!

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**17. When I Find Myself In Times Of Trouble**

Staring out into the ocean as she sips her morning coffee, Addison can't help but like living in Seattle. At least the way to work is nicer than it was in Manhattan. Having a few minutes to relax on the deck of a ferryboat, drinking her coffee, is definitely a luxury she didn't have when driving for twenty minutes across the busy streets of Manhattan was a part of her morning routine. She has to admit she loves it. It's definitely the best moment of her day. Before she sees Derek and Meredith and everyone else and her days are invariably ruined.

She turns around when she finishes her coffee, and her smile falters slightly when she sees Derek on the deck above her. They have barely talked since the meeting, and she figures one week is enough time between a divorce settlement and the first attempt at having a civil relationship. So she smiles again and waves when he sees her, hoping he'll at least wave back. She still hasn't lost all hope when it comes to the possibility of them being friends. But Derek's somber expression stays on his face and he walks away without so much as a nod her way, and she sighs as she looks at the ocean again. Maybe tomorrow he'll wave back.

Her phone rings when she gets in the car, and she puts it on speaker as she listens to Mark's voice on the other side of the line. "Morning, Addie." She smiles as she returns the greeting, happy to see the awkwardness after their conversation about her moving is finally gone. They didn't talk for a few days afterwards, but she called him to tell him when her next appointment would be, and they slowly but surely went back to normal after that.

"My plane lands at eleven, so I'll meet you at the hotel around noon."

Addison shakes her head. "I've already told you I can pick you up at the airport, Mark. I'm taking the day off anyway." She still can't quite believe Mark is flying all the way across the country to be with her at the appointment. He really is making an effort. "All right, I'll see you at eleven, then." Addison smiles as she drives into the hospital's parking lot. "You really don't have to come, though. Ten hours in a plane for a routine check-up is ridiculous." She hears him chuckle before replying, and she knows what he's going to say. The same thing he said the first four times she told him he didn't have to come.

"Wasting ten hours in a plane every four weeks to see Blob? Even I can deal with that fatherly duty, Addie." And she laughs like she did the first four times he said it, because she can't believe how much he's changed in the last few months. Sometimes, though, she wonders if he really has changed. She wonders if he's always been the same and she's the one seeing him differently. If she'd lived a country away when she needed him to talk to, would he still have been there? Would he have always been a phone call away? She thinks so. Maybe the difference is that he's now doing it for her, but also for Blob.

She pulls over in her usual spot in the parking lot after assuring Mark that she'll meet him at the airport, and gets out of the car as she fixes her hair, her sunglasses still on. A quick glance at the person sitting in the car next to hers lets her know it's none other than Meredith Grey, and she fakes a smile and waves at her, because Addison may have millions of flaws, but a lack of politeness is not one of them. Meredith returns her wave with a small smile, and Addison walks towards the hospital, wondering if it's normal to have a more civil relationship with Derek's ex-girlfriend than with Derek himself.

After a quick stop at the locker room to put on her lab coat, Addison walks along a corridor towards the maternity ward, wanting to make sure her patients are taken care of before she goes home today. Richard happily agreed to give her the day off tomorrow, but she isn't about to leave the hospital without making sure everything is taken care of. Seconds later, she spots Izzie Stevens with her usual bright smile on her face, and she can't help but mimic her happy expression as she stops walking to talk to her.

"Oh, good morning, Dr. Shepherd."

She still hasn't told people not to use her married name. They're still technically married, anyway, and she figures there's no need to bring more attention to her upcoming divorce just yet. "Morning, Dr. Stevens. Have you checked on Mrs. Jennings today?" The intern's smile stays on her face as she answers. "She's recovering perfectly. The baby's out of the incubator already." Addison takes the chart from the intern and smiles at her, glad to see she wasn't wrong about her. She really is good at this. "Thanks. By the way, Dr. Stevens, I'm taking tomorrow off, so you may want to ask Bailey to reassign you."

She knows Stevens is dying to ask about the pregnancy. She can see the urgent need for information on the intern's face. But she's not going to volunteer any information, and she knows Izzie's not going to ask. Not yet, anyway. She hopes they'll eventually grow close enough to talk about something other than work, but they're not there yet. "Oh, someone was looking for you earlier. She said she's a friend of yours, and to tell you she needs to see you as soon as possible." Addison looks at her questioningly. A friend? She has none of those in Seattle. "Did she tell you her name?" Izzie shrugs and shakes her head before her pager beeps and she walks away. "Sorry, Dr. Shepherd."

Addison keeps thinking about her mysterious visitor as she walks down the corridor, and she smiles broadly when she sees her best friend walking briskly towards her. "Sav!" She hugs her tightly as soon as she reaches her, and her smile broadens when she hears her voice in person for the first time in weeks. "Oh, it's good to see you." It's good to see Savvy too. So good she has to fight back the tears, and she mentally asks her hormones to keep it down for a while. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" She pulls away to look at her friend. "If I knew you were coming I would have taken the day off." Savvy looks slightly worried when she replies. "Well, it was kinda last minute…"

"Is everything okay? Are you all right?"

Savvy looks down before replying. "I… don't know. I took the test for the BRACA gene…" Addison gives her friend's arm a reassuring squeeze. "Oh, Sav…" But Savvy shakes her head and keeps talking. "It came back positive, Addie." She hands Addison a file, and her friend skims over it before looking at her friend again. "Let's find somewhere to talk alone."

A few minutes later, they stay in silence in an empty staff room, Addison carefully reading Savvy's file. She sighs relieved when she realizes her friend doesn't have cancer – she's been worried out of her mind for a while there – and closes the file to look at her friend. "A positive test result isn't the end of the world, Sav. It just means that you have a gene mutation that could…" But Savvy interrupts her, her voice calm and steady. "I know what it is; I've talked to the genetic counselor. I've been to my gynecologist… and now I'm here." Savvy sits down across from Addison before speaking again. "Addie, you're the best surgeon there is."

"True" Both women chuckle at that, but the mood only lightens for a moment before Addison continues. "But this isn't surgical." Savvy sounds determined when she replies. "Yes, it is." Addison sighs, slightly exasperated. "No, Sav. You understand, you don't have cancer." But Savvy – with a stubborn look on her face Addison hasn't seen in years – disagrees once again. "And I have no intention of getting it." Addison stares at her in silence, realization downing on her. "So you want me…" And Savvy finishes for her. "I want you to take out my ovaries and the uterus. And when that's done… you're gonna find the best person out there to cut off my breasts."

Addison takes a moment to react. She can't do it. She understands why her friend wants to, but she can't do it. "Savvy, this is unnecessary surgery. It will drastically change your life, and it will be risky. You'll be risking your life!" Savvy doesn't let Addison's words change her mind, and Addison wonders how long she's been thinking about this. "That's why I'm here, Addie. I'd trust you with my life. But if you don't do it… I'll find someone else. The second best." Addison sighs and stays silent again. She can't do it. But she can't let her best friend be cut open by anyone else. "Are you completely sure about this, Savvy." Savvy nods as she replies. "Yes."

"All right."

As sure as Savvy is about it, Addison knows Weiss probably isn't. And a quick look at him when they meet him and Izzie at a conference room lets her know she was right. Weiss doesn't even greet her when she enters the room, and she can't blame him. But this is one of those times when she has to take sides between her friends, and she can't not be on Savvy's. Just like she knows Savvy couldn't not be on hers. It's still hard, though, and she wishes Mark was here to play Weiss' wingman. It wouldn't feel so unfair if he wasn't alone. "I will be operating on her tomorrow. When she recovers, I'll call Mark so he can do the mastectomy and…" But Savvy interrupts her. "No, Addie. Not Mark. Find someone else." Addison looks at her friend with a look of confusion on her face. "But he's the best, Savvy. He's the best plastic surgeon there is, why don't you…" And Weiss interrupts this time, sounding angrier than she's ever seen him before. "Because he's my friend, and I asked him not to cut off my wife's breasts. And if you were a friend, you'd do the same thing!"

Addison is about to talk. About to explain why she can't take his side. But Savvy cuts her off. "My mother died of it, Weiss. My aunt. My cousin! She's thirty seven, has ovarian cancer." Weiss replies exasperated. "But you don't! You don't have cancer! This is crazy, Sav!" Savvy speaks again, her voice still steady, and Addison knows there's no way she'll change her mind now. "But I have the gene, Weiss." And Addison decides to back her up then, because her friend is obviously having a hard time, and she deserves not to be alone in this. "Which gives her up to an eighty five percent chance of getting cancer, Weiss."

"And a fifteen percent chance that she won't."

Derek's voice startles Addison, and she realizes he's been in the room for a while now. Of course he'd talk to her for the first time in days to disagree with her. "What are you, invited?" She knows it's petty, but she really doesn't need her soon-to-be ex-husband to make the situation even worse. "Weiss asked me to come." He kisses Sav's head before sitting down next to Weiss, and Addison can't help but hate Weiss for a moment. She knows he has the right to have a friend on his side, but couldn't he ask someone else? Anyone else? Irrational as it may be, it still feels like a low blow.

"I thought it might help." And Addison's anger towards him leaves as soon as it appeared. She can't blame him for being worried about his wife. "Help what?" Savvy looks at Derek then, with her best no-nonsense look on her face. "I'm sorry, Derek, cause I love you and I'm really glad to see you, but until you grow a uterus and see your mother die from this disease you don't get… you don't get a vote." Derek doesn't talk to her and focus his attention on Addison instead. "She tell you they were trying to get pregnant?" And Addison has to resist the urge to yell at him. Of course she did. She wasn't the one who didn't talk to them for months. She was there for them when they started trying, and when the tests came back positive month after month. She was growing the baby that was supposed to be their baby's best friend, of course she freaking knew they were trying. But she doesn't tell him that.

"Yes, she did."

"Having a hysterectomy is gonna throw a wrench into that!" _"Why, thanks for letting me know, Captain Obvious." _But, once again, she doesn't say it out loud. This is not about them. "Derek! We've been trying for months!" Savvy's words are met with a stare from Weiss. "Why give up now!?" And she understands Weiss. She really does. But she can't be on his side this time, and Savvy speaks before she can think of what to say. "Come on, we've talked about this. There are other ways to have a family, Weiss. We can adopt, we can…" But Weiss interrupts her. "Savvy, I just…" And Savvy finally loses her cool, raising her voice for the first time. "No. NO! I'm not talking about this!"

Derek speaks then, calmly, and looks at Addison as if she had single-handedly caused all this. "Let's just take a step back. Take a deep breath and think about this." And Addison gives him a look that clearly says she's not buying his communicative guru act. "I've already thought about this, Derek. This… this is going to happen." And Addison knows Savvy's had enough. She doesn't need this to go on any longer. Looking at Izzie for the first time since they walked into the room, she hands her the chart with a nod. "Dr. Stevens, get a complete history and do her pre-op labs. Get her scheduled for a double oophorectomy and consult Dr. Quenar from plastics for a reconstruction." Weiss looks pleadingly at her husband. "Derek…"

"Addison, this conversation isn't over!" And she knows she needs to take a stand. Be professional. She's never let a neurosurgeon decide what her patients should or shouldn't do with their uteruses, and Derek won't be the first. "She is my patient, Derek! I'm doing a bilateral prophylactic oophorectomy and hysterectomy tomorrow." Derek finally stops fighting her, and she sees Steven still standing there, looking incredulously at the scene in front of her. "Get moving." And she leaves the room with her.

Addison can feel Derek walking behind her, but she doesn't acknowledge his presence until Stevens is out of sight. She doesn't need another scene. "Prophylactic surgery is extreme." As if she didn't know that. But she's not about to argue with him. This is not about them. "This has nothing to do with you. Why were you even in there? She came to me for medical consultation, Derek. I'm her doctor. Me." She would also like to have a word about how she's the friend who didn't run away on them, but she stops herself before it's too late to prevent a second workplace scene. "Those are some of our closest friends, Addison. This isn't medical, it is personal."

Of course it'd be personal for him. He's not the one who's going to cut his best friend open. "Fine. Okay, if it is personal we should be dealing with them as friends. Acting like their friends." And he gives her that confused look she's grown to hate in the past few weeks. "What? What does that mean?" Addison sighs exasperated before replying, and she stops walking to make sure he can hear her clearly. "Friends, Derek! Remember? I know we hate each other, but you don't need to bring our personal problems into everything else!" And he sounds disbelieving when he answers, as if she was imagining things. "This is not about us." She raises her voice slightly when she replies, feeling about to lose her mind. "It is! Medicine aside, our friends are going through hell in there and we can't even act like we like each other long enough to help them!" And she walks away, leaving him with that same confused look still on her face.

Addison walks into an empty on-call room minutes later, still shaken after the events of the day. Would it have made a difference if she'd gone back to Manhattan after the first week? Would she have been able to convince her best friend if she'd talked to her when she first mentioned the "medical consult" she needed? She didn't know. She called the time of death of her mother, and she was now going to perform a surgery that was going to prevent her from ever having a baby. Doctors really shouldn't treat family members. It was always personal. But the thought of anyone else holding a scalpel over Savvy was even worse, so she tells herself she needs to be professional. As professional as possible, anyway.

She calls Mark as soon as she's calmed down enough to form coherent thoughts, and she doesn't bother with greetings before going to the point. "You knew. You knew, and you didn't tell me." She hears him sigh on the phone, and she knows he was expecting this call. "I'm sorry, Addie. They asked me not to." But him not telling her is not what hurts. What hurts is, they went to him first. Because she wasn't there. Because she was too busy thinking about herself to take care of her best friend after her mother died. "Weiss said Savvy had made the decision already when her mom died. She was already determined to do it when she told him. No one could have changed her mind, Addie." And she nods softly, even though she doesn't feel better about it.

"Thank you."

Addison assumes he's nodding when he doesn't reply, and they stay in a comfortable silence for a few moments before he speaks again. "When's the surgery gonna be?" And Addison sighs before replying, because she still isn't sure about this. "Tomorrow at eight. I'll have to meet you at the hotel after all." Mark is smiling when he replies – she knows he is – and it makes her relax a little. "That's okay. I'll go see the ferryboats while I wait." Addison chuckles slightly at that, and she's once again amazed at his ability to make her laugh.

"Why did you assume I'd agree to perform the surgery? You didn't." Mark takes a moment to reply. "You're that kind of friend. You wouldn't be Addie if you hadn't said yes." She smiles at his words and suddenly wishes she'd agreed to him coming today and spending the night in town. She could use having him around today. "You are that kind of friend too. To Weiss." He nods and lets out a quiet sigh before replying. "He's still pissed that I didn't agree to go with him, though." And Addison shrugs slightly. "He'll get over it. He's been talking to Derek; they're together right now, so he's not alone. Why didn't you come with him, anyway?" Mark's voice sounds matter-of-fact when he answers.

"Because I would have been on your side."

She hears Mark's pager on the other side of the line, and their conversation ends as abruptly as it started. She's glad she only needs to say goodbye instead of trying to find something to say to his last comment. It was innocent enough, and yet it wasn't. It felt different, somehow, and she can't pinpoint exactly why. Of course he'd have taken her side. He's Mark, it's what he does. He practically lives on her side. Unless the argument is between them, she knows he's always on her side. And then she realizes.

Mark is on her side. He always is, but it hasn't always been like that. In the very few arguments she had with Weiss when she first met them, Mark was on his side. When she argued with Savvy, he didn't take sides. He couldn't choose between his friends' girlfriends. When she fought with Derek, he was on Derek's side. Always. Until he wasn't. Until he started comforting her while she cried and taking her out when Derek wouldn't. Until they stopped being just friends. It felt different because it is. Because they're toeing that fine line once again. And she doesn't know how she feels about that.

She's about to let herself flip out over the not entirely surprising turn of events, but she suddenly remembers Savvy is in town, and – while she knows it's not the time to talk to her about herself – she also knows just spending some time with her best friend is going to make her feel better about it all. Maybe she isn't ready for a fresh start. Maybe she still needs her oldest friend to be around. But she decides not to think about Richard's offer until she has to make a choice and walks towards her best friend's room, ready to make the most of the little time she'll be staying in town. And maybe – just maybe – she'll be able to change her mind.

"Hey, sweetie."

Addison smiles as soon as she hears her voice, and walks into the room to sit on the bed next to Savvy. "How are you doing, Sav?" Savvy shrugs slightly, still smiling, and Addison can't help but wish she was half as strong as her friend. She has the reputation of being the strong one, but Savvy is the one that quietly holds the fort. Addison is louder, more argumentative, and prone to lose her temper. But Savvy always has her back. Savvy is the one that makes it all better after an argument blows over. And she loves and admires her friend for that.

"Do you think I should take the chance? Be brave and fight the cancer if I ever get it?" Addison takes a moment to think of a good answer for that, but Savvy goes on before she can say anything. "Dr. Stevens got me thinking… maybe I should fight. It'd be the brave thing to do, right? But… I'm terrified, Addie. My mother killed herself fighting. I don't want that for me. I don't want to spend my last months fighting. I don't want to waste my life fighting a battle I can prevent. Does that make me a coward?"

Addison stays in silence for a moment, looking at her friend. She doesn't see a coward. She doesn't see a woman who's running away. She sees a woman who's taking a risk to have the life she wants. And she suddenly realizes she's now on Savvy's side in a way that has nothing to do with the amount of years they've spent together. She's on her side because she believes in her. "You're the strongest person I know, Savvy. You're fighting for yourself. For your life. You're far from a coward."

"Thank you, Addie."

And she sees the first tears roll down Savvy's cheeks and decides to try and lighten the mood, because they've had enough sadness for the day. "I'm putting Stevens on enema duty for a month for this one." Savvy chuckles between tears, and dries her eyes with the back of her hand before replying. "You were right about her. She's really talented. She reminds me of you when you were younger. A blonde version of your old self." And Addison smiles at her friend, because she agrees. "Do you think she'll get mad if I call her Candy from now on?" Addison's words send Savvy into a fit of giggles, and the friends let the much needed laughter fill the room for a few moments before Savvy speaks again. "Okay, enough about that, let me see that so-called bump of yours."

Addison shakes her head at her friend, amused, and stands up in front of her, smoothing her top over her stomach so the curve can be seen through the fabric. "Oh my God, it is there! Junior is there!" Addison chuckles at her friend's excitement, trying to hide how ridiculously proud of her growing uterus she feels. "I just lost fifty bucks, but I can see my godchild!" Addison looks questioningly at her friend, and Savvy shrugs as she clarifies. "I bet fifty dollars with Mark. I said you were imagining the bump, he said he was sure it was there." And there it is again. Mark betting on her. On her side again.

"He's really excited about the baby, you know. In his own way." Addison smiles and nods, sitting down again. "I know." Giving her friend's arm a small squeeze, Savvy speaks again."You miss him, don't you?" Addison nods and wills herself not to cry. She wants to think it's just the hormones, but she knows there's more to it. And she doesn't want to acknowledge that fact. "I do. I miss all of you." And she knows Savvy doesn't buy it, but she also knows she's not going to push the subject. "And we miss you, sweetie. But this is a nice city, and it's not far enough to keep us from visiting."

Addison smiles at her friend. She's been supportive of her choice to consider moving since the moment she first mentioned it to her. "Do you think I should take the job?" Savvy stays silent for a moment, and Addison knows she's trying to come up with the right answer. "I think you should make that choice for yourself. Do what you think will make you happy, and forget about us. We love you, and we want you to be happy." Addison smiles at her friend, thanking her without words. "I do like it here."

"Then I think you should stay for the next two weeks."

After agreeing to go out to dinner with her and the two men, Addison leaves the room to go get changed, hoping she won't see Derek before they leave. She really doesn't want to have another fight with him right before dinner. She wants tonight to be fun and relaxed. For Savvy. So she doesn't go into surgery with the memories of a tense meal still fresh in her mind. She walks out of the locker room minutes later, ready for a night out, and decides to stop and talk to Izzie when she sees the intern somberly leaning against the nurse's station outside Savvy's room.

"I heard you talked to her." Izzie looks down at that. "I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd, I just…" But Addison interrupts her, a smile on her face. "Don't apologize. You did the right thing. You tried to talk your patient into what you think is best for her." Izzie looks at her as if waiting for an explanation for the lack of yelling, and Addison decides to go on. "Listen, Stevens, this specialty is not like the rest. Ethics, and feelings, and personal opinions play a big part in it. They call it pink and squishy because feelings are always an issue. Losing a kidney changes you physically, but losing your uterus is an emotional change." Izzie looks down again, and she knows what she's thinking. Because it's what she thought when she was in her shoes.

"It's hard not to get emotionally close. It may even be impossible. But we have to use that emotional closeness to help our patients make the right choice. The one we think is best for them. And that's what you did." Izzie half-smiles then, and Addison gives her a reassuring nod. "Good job, Stevens." And she starts walking towards the elevator again, feeling much better than before. She doesn't turn around when she hears Izzie's voice behind her.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd."

As she waits for the elevator to get there, Addison gives herself a talk, willing herself to keep it cool during what's going to be an awkward night. And it's going to start awkwardly, because they're all leaving the hospital together. At least she won't be alone with Derek, and she knows he wouldn't start a fight in front of their friends, He's always been correct like that. When the metal doors slide open, Addison has to resist the urge to run away. Being stuck in an elevator with Derek and Meredith is not her idea of fun.

She walks inside with a polite smile on her face, and pushes the ground floor button with her eyes fixed on the door. "Hello, Dr. Grey." The intern responds with a timid greeting, and she turns her attention to Derek, mentally willing the elevator to move faster. "You ready to go?" Her dry question is met with an even drier answer from him. "I was on my way." And an awkward silence fills the small space as they wait for the doors to open again.

The short walk to Joe's is silent except for the occasional comment about the weather, and Addison gladly takes the ordering duty as the other three find a table. Savvy joins her at the bar moments later, and Addison smiles for the first time that night. "I'm sorry about this, Addie. Weiss wanted to spend time with Derek, and I wanted to see you, and…" Addison shakes her head as she cuts her off. "It's all right, Sav. This may be just what we need to head in the direction of a post-divorce friendship."

The two friends take the drinks to the table and Savvy breaks the silence after a while. "When Addie told me she was thinking about moving here, I had such a good feeling. You guys are gonna be one of those couples that can stay friends afterwards, You were always such great friends.," And Addison almost chokes on her drink at that, but a look from Savvy lets her know this is all part of one of her master plans to help people she loves. "Yeah, a couple of clams in a half shell, a couple of peas in a pod." Weiss' words make Addison chuckle, and she suddenly feels much more relaxed. It's starting to feel like med school, when they were all friends.

"Still working on that." And Addison is pleasantly surprised to hear those words coming from Derek. They sounded sincere, and she wonders if he's finally ready to move on from the anger and the resentment and try to have a civil relationship. When the shock lets her speak, she sends Savvy a meaningful look as she replies. "It's about choices." Choosing to be adults. Choosing not to stay stuck in the events of the last months. Maybe this dinner thing wasn't a bad idea, after all. And Savvy holds up her glass as she speaks again.

"Well, here's to taking life in your own hands."

Three glasses meet above the table, but Weiss doesn't join his friends. "Yeah. And here's to bull and here's to crap. And here's to oophorectomy, hysterectomy and double bilateral mastectomy." Derek and Addison look at him in shock. "Please, stop." But Savvy's words don't make a change. "How smart am I to know all those words?" Savvy is almost crying when she speaks again. "Stop." But Weiss ignores her and goes on, spitting the words at her. "Here's to breast reconstruction and nipple reconstruction. Here's to losing your wife. Here's to being the ass who can't be supportive."

Weiss leaves before they can react, and the three stay silent for a moment before Derek gets up as well. "I'll go talk to him. I'll see you tomorrow, Savvy." And he kisses the top of her head and gives Addison a look that's more supportive than judgmental for once. "Let's take you to the hospital, sweetie. Come on." Savvy doesn't protest, and Addison wraps her arm around her shoulders as they walk, wondering what to say or do to make it better.

She lies next to her friend on the hospital bed for a long time, looking at the ceiling in silence and lightly stroking Savvy's hair. They don't speak. They just lay there, next to each other, hoping for it to pass. "You should go home, Addie. I want my surgeon to be well-rested tomorrow." Addison half-smiles and gives her hand a small squeeze. "I'm not leaving you alone, Sav." But Savvy shakes her head, a forced smile on her face. "I'll be fine. I'll ask Intern Candy for some nice sedatives." They both chuckle at that, but Addison isn't convinced. "If you think I'm gonna let you ditch me for the happy pills, you can think again." Savvy laughs and jokingly pushes Addison away. "Go. My godchild needs to sleep in that ridiculously expensive hotel bed of yours." Addison gets up and looks at her, silently asking if she really wants her to go.

"Weiss will be back any minute. Go, before I call security."

xxx

The next morning, Addison walks into Savvy's room to find her best friend talking to Izzie, and she smiles as she walks towards them. "Morning, Savvy. Dr. Stevens." Savvy smiles broadly at her friend. "Morning, sweetie. Dr. Stevens was just talking about my pre-op labs, don't worry." The intern blushes slightly, and Addison isn't sure if it's because of what Savvy said or because she's just heard Satan referred to as "sweetie", but she laughs anyway. "I never worry. Thank you Dr. Stevens, I'll take it from here." Izzie leaves with a polite nod, and Addison sits on the bed next to Savvy. "What's with the slutty robe?"

Savvy laughs and hands her a Polaroid camera. "It's a present for Weiss." Addison decides not to ask if he's back and looks at the camera instead. "I get to take naked pictures of you? Man, I am a great friend." Savvy giggles and holds the robe open while Addison takes the first picture. "Hold still." They both laugh as Savvy asks her to get both sides, and the blonde smiles as the photo shoot continues. "You know, these are gonna be next year's holiday card. I want them immortalized before they're gone. And this way Weiss gets to look at them whenever he wants." Addison laughs and takes one last picture.

"These are gonna be great."

Tying up her robe, Savvy speaks again when she manages to stop laughing. "We're scheduled to go in at eight?" Addison nods and hands her the pictures. "Yeah. I'm gonna take you down to pre-op in just a few minutes." After a moment in silence, Savvy gets serious to speak again. "Weiss will show up, Addie. He always does." And it's something about the forced hopeful tone in her friend's voice, mixed with the hormones and how much she wishes there was something she could do to make this all go away that makes Addison's eyes start glistening with tears. "Sav, as your doctor, you know I'm one hundred percent on your side, but… as your friend… are you absolutely sure about this?"

Savvy sighs before replying. "I know what I'm losing. I get it. But think about what I'm gaining. My life. This gives me a shot. A shot at the future. A shot at me and Weiss becoming this crazy old couple that argues all the time. I mean, wouldn't you want that?" And Addison tries to hold back the tears as she answers. "Yeah. Yes, I would." It's then that Savvy starts crying, and Addison holds her tightly as she lets her tears flow. For her friend, for Weiss, for what they're losing, and for all those things she hasn't allowed her to cry for until now.

"Oh, Sav…"

Addison leaves her friend in pre-op a few minutes later, and goes to the scrub room to get ready for the surgery. She's nervous. And it's not like her, but she figures if there's one surgery she is allowed to be nervous about, it's the one she's going to perform on her best friend. It's not like Derek's sisters' c-sections. It's nothing like that. This is different, somehow, and she's going out of her mind. She supports her friend's choice. She things it's the right thing for her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't wish someone would come and tell her the patient has changed her mind. She wishes there was a way not to do this surgery without it meaning Savvy would go to another surgeon or live her life in fear. And surgeons shouldn't treat family members. She's going to get it framed and hung over her bed, at this rate.

"She's ready, Dr. Shepherd." Izzie's voice brings Addison back to reality, and she starts scrubbing in as she replies. "Thank you. Scrub in, Stevens. You've earned it." The intern's face lights up with a broad smile, and it's only then that Addison realizes the usually chipper doctor has been quiet and serious ever since Savvy came in. But she figures she's sorted out whatever it was that was bothering her, because she's back to her bright and shiny self. And Addison likes it. She likes how Izzie's excess of happiness seems to rub off on her, and she has to admit it's always nice having someone smiling around her. It's a nice change. She's enjoying mentoring Stevens more than she ever thought she would. "Ready?" Izzie nods and follows Addison into the OR, where Savvy is already lying on the operating table.

"Well, look at you, all surgeon-y."

Addison laughs behind her mask, and gives Savvy a look that would have passed as stern if you didn't know Addison at all. "Don't go undermining my authority now, Savannah." Savvy smiles and waits for Addison to get ready. "Can we wait a bit longer? Until… he comes?" Addison nods, thankful that the mask is covering her serious face. "Of course, sweetie. Don't worry." Izzie finishes prepping and walks over to the operating table, looking down at Savvy. "How are you feeling?" Savvy smiles warmly at her, and Addison looks at them with interest. "I'm okay. Scared out of my mind, but I know I'll be fine. She really is the best." Addison chuckles and joins Izzie by the table. "You can bet your ass I am." The three women fall into a comfortable silence as they wait, the beep from the monitor the only sound in the quiet OR. "Mark's coming today, right?" Addison nods as she answers. "In around three hours. You'll be able to see him…"

The sound of the door opening makes Addison stop mid-sentence, and everyone looks intently at Derek when he walks up to them. "He's not coming, is he?" Addison looks down when she sees her friend fighting back the tears, but she looks at Derek again just in time to see him smile as Weiss walks into the room. Letting out a sigh of relief, Addison looks into Derek's eyes and feels like they're on the same page for the first time in years. Their friends are fine. That's all that matters. And she's glad to see they're still able to help them, even though they aren't doing so well themselves. She sees Weiss hold Savvy's hand, and she knows that's all her friend needs right now. "I'm gonna go ahead and get started now." And she sees Izzie get ready to begin before she turns her attention back to Savvy. "You ready."

"Yeah. Ready."

Xxx

Five hours and twenty minutes later, Addison walks into the hotel's lobby after leaving her two best friends resting at the hospital. Savvy was a little sore, and Weiss a little sad, but they would get through it. Addison knows they will. They are her model couple. They aren't like Sam and Naomi. They aren't perfectly compatible in every little way, conventionally perfect for each other. It was another kind of love. Sam and Naomi are almost too perfect to be true. Married after a year and still in love like the first day, with their daughter and their house. They are a perfect couple. Weiss and Savvy aren't like Derek and Addison, either. They aren't soul mates. No one's ever told them they are just so damn perfect and adorable. They aren't meant to be. They probably won't get divorced, either. Weiss and Savvy are just normal. Just a man and a woman who fell in love and got married when they felt like it, and they struggle and fight and drive each other crazy, but they're always there for each other at the end of the day. They don't have the pressure of always doing what the perfect couple is supposed to do. They don't have the pressure of always living in cloud nine like the star struck couple is supposed to do. They are Addison's model couple.

She sits on one of the comfortable arm chairs in the lobby and flips through the pages of a Seattle magazine she found on the coffee table, wasting some time until Mark gets there. He's probably looking at the ferryboats. Or maybe he doesn't do that anymore, now that he can't share his weird little obsession with Derek. Addison isn't sure. She grabs a candy bar from her purse and starts absentmindedly munching on it, looking at the pictures on the magazine. A full-page picture of the view from the building where she had lunch last week makes her smile when she sees it, and she realizes she doesn't hate Seattle nearly as much anymore. It's a nice city. And she loves working with Stevens. And – if the events of the last two days are any indication – being in the same city as Derek may not be so bad, after all.

"Manhattan's ferryboats kick Seattle's ferryboats' asses."

Mark's voice startles her at first, but she quickly recovers and stands up, smiling broadly at her friend. They stay in silence for a moment, smiling at each other, unsure of what to do. Addison is the one that moves first, and she hugs Mark tightly, sighing relieved when he returns the hug. "How was your flight?" She pulls away from him against her will when she starts feeling that familiar scent of his clouding her mind. "Long. Boring. Just your standard transcontinental flight." Addison smirks as she replies. "And here I was thinking you were gonna be vague." Mark chuckles and takes a moment to look at her, just like she did to him before. His trademark smirk turns into a genuine smile when his eyes stop on the slight curve of her stomach, and she knows he is – like her – trying not to let the ridiculous pride show. "I want half of the money you used our child to earn."

Mark chuckles heartily at her words, and Addison tries to keep a serious look on her face. "It's Blob's money. I'll treat our fetus to a nice lunch after the appointment, you can come too if you want." It's Addison's turn to laugh then, and she grabs her purse from the arm chair as she speaks again. "Come on, we're gonna be late." Mark nods and follows her when she starts walking towards the door, and Addison tries not to overanalyze every little gesture as they walk. This used to be easy. When they were friends, they walked next to each other. When they were more than friends, he walked with his arm around her shoulders. And now… now, she doesn't know how they were supposed to walk. And it's stupid, really, considering he's walking one step behind her and he doesn't seem to care, but she worries about this stuff. And she hasn't worried about stupid things in weeks.

She gets in her car as soon as they reach it, and she decides it's just the excitement of the appointment making her go slightly insane. It's not that Mark is making her feel like she has absolutely no control over her mind. Of course it's not that. That was before. Before, when they were ridiculously happy together and he made her knees weak and she brought a smile to his face as soon as they saw each other. Then she did make her lose control of her brain. But not now. Not now that they're just two friends that happen to be expecting a baby. Now, she's just tired. It has nothing to do with him.

"You all right?"

Addison answers with a smile, and Mark turns on the radio as she drives them to the clinic. "It's a nice city. I'd never been here before." Addison nods as she replies. "It is nice. I'd only been here a couple of times, visiting Richard and Adele, but it is very nice." They stay silent for a moment before he speaks again. "You're staying, aren't you?" And she sighs, because she was fearing that question. "Mark, I…" But he cuts her off gently, the smile still on his face. "It's okay. You look happy. I can visit." Addison nods and keeps her eyes on the road, trying not to feel disappointed. She shouldn't feel that way. _"What were you expecting? A declaration of love and an offer to take you home with him? Do you never learn?"_ And she smiles as she speaks again. "Thanks. It means a lot that you support my choice." Mark shrugs and looks out of the window. "I'm on your side."

Xxx

A few minutes later, Mark and Addison walk into the doctor's office, ready to see Blob for the second time. They haven't talked a lot in the past few minutes, and Addison is beginning to worry even more than she already was. This isn't normal. They were never awkward around each other before. Well, they were, at one point in time, but that was because the sexual tension and the constant reminder of her being married to his best friend were always there with them. Other than that, the awkwardness is a first, and she wonders what's going on. Is it the pregnancy? Is it the fact that they spent more time apart than ever before? She doesn't know. And she's not going to contemplate the possibility of the sexual tension. She's just started her second trimester; she could have sexual tension with a brick if she tried. And she likes how she can blame everything on her pregnancy now. It makes it easier than having to acknowledge thoughts and feelings she'd rather ignore.

"Ready to see your baby?"

Mark and Addison nod at the doctor, and they look intently at the screen as the images begin to form. They aren't thinking about this weird new dynamic between them. They aren't thinking about anything that's not the baby they're about to see again. Addison smiles and fights back the tears when she sees the image in the screen, and Mark squeezes her shoulder when he sees it too. "That's Blob, Addie." She nods and tries not to cry when she speaks again. "I know." And it's ridiculous, and embarrassing, and she'd die if anyone ever knew, but she's never seen a cuter twelve weeks fetus in her entire life. And she's seen a lot of those. She knows it can't possibly be cute. It's hardly human-shaped, actually. But it is cute in her mind, and that's all that matters.

They smile at the sound of the baby's measurements, and smile broader when they hear the heartbeat. And she doesn't even tell the doctor she knows it all when she gives them some advice about the second trimester. Because she's the pregnant patient now. She's the one having the baby, and she'll take that over delivering it any day. So she lets the doctor tell her what she can and can't do, and what to expect. And she laughs uncomfortably when she tells her an increase in sexual desire is to be expected, but the fake laugh turns into a genuine one when Mark almost chokes at the suggestion of him playing along with it. At least they're both uncomfortable now, and there's something intrinsically funny about them of all people being uncomfortable at the mention of sex. With each other, no less. And Mark joins in on her laughter as soon as he gets it too.

"I'll see you again in four weeks."

Addison doesn't tell her she may not be here in four weeks. She doesn't tell her she may be back in Manhattan by then. She's far too happy to think about the problems in her life. The awkwardness between them is finally gone, Blob is a bigger blob and still perfectly healthy, and there's nothing that can make that smile leave her face now. Especially not when Mark offers her a friendly lunch at the airport before his flight, and walks next to her towards the car. Next to her, like friends, but close enough to touch her arm, like something else. That line they like to live in. The one she likes to ignore.

They sit at a table on the airport's food court half an hour later, still smiling but pretending not to be. "I have to say, we make cute blobs." Addison chuckles and takes another bite of her sandwich. "We do. But it's us, we're hot, of course Blob would be cute." Mark smirks that smirk of his, and she knows what's coming. "We can only hope it's not also a geek." She playfully hits his arm, pretending to be offended. "I'd take a geek over a brainless jock any day." And he smirks again, that cocky smile that's become his trademark over the years. "Ah, but see, Blob could be an amazingly intelligent jock, just like its father." And Addison matches his smirk with one of her own as she replies. "That would be perfect, but you are the father, Mark."

The lunch date ends as soon as they hear the call for the passengers for the flight to New York, and they walk in silence towards the boarding gate, both unsure about what to say. There's something there. They both know it. But he doesn't think he's good enough for her – for them – yet, and he knows he needs more time. He wouldn't be happy with her yet. Not when he knows he's not ready. His shrink – the one no one knows he sees – says he's making progress. He knows he is. But he's not sure he wouldn't hurt her again. And that's one risk he's not going to take. And she doesn't think she's good enough for him yet. She needs more time. To heal, to get a grip on her new life, to be herself. Time to stop feeling like half of a broken marriage and go back to being a whole person by herself. She's getting there, little by little. And, more importantly, they don't think they're good enough for Blob yet. Right now, both of its parents are there. As friends, but they're together in this. And she's not sure their friendship could take another break-up. And she can't risk ruining that.

They stop a few steps away from the gate, still in silence, and Addison is once again the first one to speak. "Call me when you get there." He nods and smiles at her. "Take care of both of you, Addie." And she doesn't want this to become one of those corny goodbyes, but a teary-eyed hug sounds like a plan right now. "I will. See you…" And she doesn't know how to end the sentence. In two weeks? In four? She doesn't know. "Soon." He finishes the sentence for her, and her smile broadens at that. "Soon." They look at each other in silence for a moment, and she chooses to forget about the tears but hugs him anyway, just because. Because it's familiar, and because it feels right. "I'll miss you." And he pulls away to look at her.

"I'm sorry I cheated on you."

She looks at him in silence, because she wasn't expecting that. Not now. Not like that. Not sounding so sincere she can hardly believe it's coming from Mark. And she knows an apology like that one deserves a good answer. Not just a polite comment. She asks herself if she's forgiven him. And she realizes she has. She hasn't forgotten, she doesn't think she could trust him if they were still together, but she has forgiven him. "I'm sorry I hurt you." Because she knows she did. She hurt him, and him cheating on her made her forget she wasn't the only one that had been hurt in that relationship. She played the victim card, just like Derek. And – when she realized that – her apology sounded as sincere as his. Mark answers with a smile and a nod, and something she couldn't quite pinpoint showing on his face. Relief? Happiness? Maybe he knows he's not just the dirty mistress for her. Maybe he's been waiting for her to show it ever since it all started. She hopes that's it. And she smiles back when he starts walking towards the gate.

"See you soon, Mark."


	18. I'm Looking Forward To The Future

A/N: The title of this chapter comes from the song "Thanks for the memories" by Fall Out Boy. I hope you'll enjoy! :)

* * *

**18. I'm Looking Forward To The Future**

"Dr. Shepherd, there's a letter for you."

Addison is walking briskly across the lobby when she hears the concierge's voice behind her and she turns around to look at him. A letter? She walks to the counter and smiles at the man when he hands her the large envelope with her name neatly typed on the front. A letter? "Thank you, Ethan." Over the past five weeks, Addison and Ethan have become almost friends. He gives her her messages – usually from Mark – and she always takes the time to give him a little bit of friendly conversation before going to her room for the night. It's nice, and she knows from experience that it's better for everyone if the people who are in charge of your room actually like you. So they won't feel tempted to accidentally spill anything on your clothes. Or maybe that only happened years ago, when her best friend Savannah spent the summer working at a hotel. The stories of her "accidents" with costumers she didn't like are part of the reason why Addison always makes sure she's in the hotel staff's good books. Always.

She leans slightly against the counter as she opens the envelope, and the smile falls from her face as soon as she reads the papers inside. She's officially divorced. The marriage between Dr. Derek Christopher Shepherd and Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd has been dissolved. And these two weeks haven't been enough to get ready for this. She feels empty, somehow. And she tells herself it's stupid, she tells herself she can't possibly miss the sad excuse for a marriage that they shared for the last years, but she still does. She's divorced. No more Derek and Addison. It should be easier to deal with, but it isn't. "Everything all right, Dr. Shepherd?" Addison nods as she puts the papers back in the envelope. "Montgomery." Ethan looks at her, slightly confused, and she forces a smile onto her face as she smiles again. "It's Dr. Montgomery now, Ethan." And she starts walking again, the envelop resting between the charts in her bag.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Dr. Montgomery!"

The ferry ride to the hospital isn't as peaceful as usual today. Not when a finalized divorce is all she can think about. She's officially divorced. Legally Addison Forbes just-Montgomery again. And it's scary, in a way she can't exactly explain. She feels like the first day she walked into an Anatomy class. Her first class in Med School. And it was scary, just like this. But not scary in a way that makes her want to run away and hide. It's not that kind of scary. It's scary because she wants it. She wanted to be a doctor then, and she wants to be divorced now. It's scary because now – now that she finally is there – there's something to lose. In Med School, she didn't lose. Being a doctor is all she ever thought it'd be, and then some. But this? This being divorced thing? She doesn't know how that's going to end. And that's scary.

Addison Forbes Montgomery, with her name that tells the world what kind of woman they should expect, has always prided herself on not being your token trust-fund child. She takes pride on being a strong, confident woman who is the best at what she does and would still be successful even if she hadn't had an economical advantage. She worked hard for what she has, money aside. She's not one of those spoiled girls, and she will tell you so as soon as you imply otherwise. But Addison Forbes Montgomery, with her job and her reputation, and the image that goes with it, has never been alone. True, she's gotten to where she is with her own personal work. But she's never had to face anything alone. Her father – or the nanny, when he was busy – took her to school every day. She spent her free time engaged in several extracurricular activities or playing with Sav. She moved out to share a room with her. They moved into their own apartment when she went to Med School and Savvy went on to Law. And then Derek came along, and she had him. And, when Derek stopped being there? She had Mark.

But now… now she's alone. She still has Savvy and Mark, but they have their own lives, and she needs to start building a new one for herself. And for her baby. She won't die alone – she knows her friends will always be there for her – but she's afraid she will feel alone most of the time. In a way that friends can't fix. She'll miss having someone there to live her life with. And she will have Blob, of course she will, but it wouldn't be fair for either of them to expect that baby to fill that part of her life. Because she wants it to have a life of its own. To make mistakes and fix them, and to become everything he or she wants to be. She'll feel lonely, sometimes. But she has to make it, for herself and for Blob. And she forces herself to put on a brave face and not let her fear take over, because she knows she's strong enough. Not making it is not an option.

She allows herself a small sigh before forcing the thoughts away, and turns around to start walking out onto the deck. It's beginning to be cold outside, but her coat and hat will keep her warm while she enjoys the view from the ferry. She's gotten used to this already. And she decides to count it as the first step towards her new life and smiles as she walks towards the door, taking a sip of the – sadly – decaf coffee in her hand. Derek is the first thing she sees when she reaches the door, and she takes a deep breath before walking towards him. They've been civil for the past week. Ever since Savvy's surgery, they've been keeping it almost friendly around each other. It's nothing extraordinary, and it can hardly be referred to as a friendship, but it is something, and she's not about to let it go back to the way it was.

"Hey, you."

Derek looks at her when she speaks, but the expression on his face doesn't change. He looks exhausted and almost miserable, and she wonders if a part of that comes from the letter she's sure he also got in the mail. "I saw you from the window and… looked like you could use a wake-up call." She stands next to him, half-leaning against the wall behind them, and waits for him to speak. "I thought you moved to a hotel closer to the hospital. You still at the one at Bainbridge?" She smiles, relieved that he's apparently in the mood for some civil post-divorce conversation, and takes a sip of her coffee before she replies. "Yeah… I have a thing for ferryboats." He half-smiles at that – she knows it's a sure way to make the three of them laugh – and looks at her again. "Always, you know, with the mocking."

And it's something about the way they seem to be doing an effort, both of them – for once – that makes her want to give it a try. See if she can get her post-divorce friendship, after all. "So, um… I was thinking that we could… have lunch with Weiss and Savvy today." Derek chuckles at her words, and her smile falters slightly. "Look, I know we're all gonna feel weird about it. The last time was terrible, but I think… I don't know. I have the day off. Do you have the day off?" Derek gives her a small nod, his eyes on the ocean in front of them. "Just stop by the hospital. I have patients I need to check on." He looks at her again when he continues. "If you have the day off what are you doing here?" Addison shrugs slightly. "Was thinking we could have lunch with our friends today." He gives her that look again, but she doesn't let it get to her this time. "Come on, they're leaving at two. I figured we could all do the Thanksgiving thing you know, and then… I dunno, just hang out. Try to be friends again, do friendly stuff."

"Friends?"

Addison nods at his question. "Right. What do you think?" Derek looks at the ocean again, in silence, for a few moments afterwards. And she wonders what he's thinking. She really thinks they can do it. They've been talking this whole week, thanks to their friends. Not one fight in seven days, and that's saying something. "Remember Med School? We spent Thanksgiving studying for exams and eating really bad Chinese food instead of turkey." Addison nods and smiles at the memory. Savvy and Addison started spending Thanksgiving that way when they moved away to college, and the boys had eagerly joined in on the celebration as soon as they heard of its existence. "Yeah, too busy and too tired to even think about cooking." With Mark, Derek and Addison in Med School and Weiss and Sav in Law School, the five friends barely had time to eat, let alone cook. But they always made time to hang out that day.

"We never had to schedule friendly stuff. Not once." And his words hurt more than she'd like to admit, but she knows he's right. And yet, she doesn't want to give up. They're not in love anymore, but they still love each other, because they can't not after all these years. And she wants to believe he misses his friend Addison sometimes, just like she misses her friend Derek. They were friends first, and she hopes that won't have to end. "Derek, I wanna move on. I do. I want things to be normal again, like it used to be. I know it's hard, but it's not impossible. So will you please meet us at noon?" Derek takes a moment to answer, and he starts walking away as the words leave his mouth.

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you at noon."

She arrives at the hospital minutes later, and walks into her friend's room with a smile on her face. Savvy will be officially discharged today, Weiss has been by her side the whole time, and she's sure they will be just fine. They've even started talking about adopting a baby, and Addison knows they'll make wonderful parents. When she thinks about it – when she realizes Savvy is now free to make plans and be happy with Weiss – she knows she did the right thing.

Savvy greets her with a bright smile, and Weiss is the first to speak when she walks into the room. "Happy Thanksgiving, Addie." Addison smiles at him and hugs him as she replies. "Happy Thanksgiving." She looks at Savvy then, and hugs her tightly. "Happy Thanksgiving, Savvy. How are you doing?" Savvy hands her her own chart and smiles at her friend. "Ready to go home, I hope." Addison chuckles and reads the results of Savvy's latest blood work. "You're ready to go home."

As she waits for her friends to finish with their paperwork, Addison sits on the bed and decides to tell them about the new Thanksgiving plan. "We're gonna have to wait around here for a bit, Derek's coming with us for lunch." Savvy and Weiss look up from their paperwork at that, and Weiss is the one who voices what both of them are thinking. "He is?" Addison shrugs slightly, understanding why it'd sound weird. "Yeah. We're giving the friendship thing a try." Weiss smiles at her words, obviously happy that he won't have to pick sides between his wife's best friend and his own anymore, but Savvy doesn't look so convinced. "You're gonna be friends now?" And Addison knows why she's hesitant – she is, too – but decides to be as optimistic as possible, because she needs to believe her life is going to start changing for the better.

"Yeah. We both made mistakes, but we're adults, we can put it past us and have a civil relationship." Savvy half-smiles at that, not wanting to burst her friend's bubble. It's not that she doesn't think they can make it. She thinks they could, if they both were willing to fight for it. But she doesn't want Addison to get hurt again if it doesn't work out. "Well, I'm happy that you're moving on, sweetie." And Addison decides to ignore the hint of doubt on her best friend's voice. "Thanks. I'll fill in your discharge forms and you'll be officially free."

Half an hour later, all her paperwork is done and Savvy is officially not her patient anymore. She leaves her friends at the hospital waiting for Derek and goes to the Chinese restaurant she saw on her way to work two days ago. She wants to take her friends to that spot on her Best of Seattle guide for a Chinese picnic overlooking the ferryboats, as an homage to the old days in Manhattan. She misses those days. And she realizes she misses them more than she misses her marriage.

She'd be lying if she said she doesn't miss being married to Derek. She does. But she misses being his friend even more. She misses the long talks, the movie nights and the undying laughter. She misses the times when being his girlfriend, fiancée and wife felt like the icing on the cake. And she hopes that – even though they're not in love anymore – the friendship is still there, somewhere. And she wonders if her relationship with Mark is something like that, in a way.

She was friends with Mark for as long as she was Derek's girlfriend, fiancée and wife. And then they became more than that, for two months, but going back to their friendship was almost effortless. She hopes – and she never thought she would – that her friendship with Derek was stronger than their seemingly perfect love. That they can still be friends now that they aren't in love. That Savvy's doubts – because she refuses to acknowledge her own – end up being proven wrong. Because she can take the end of their marriage and the end of their love, but she doesn't think she can take the end of their friendship.

Addison arrives at the hospital, Chinese take-out in hand, fifteen minutes after noon. She clearly underestimated the distance between the hospital and the restaurant, but at least she's not outrageously late, and she's sure her friends have been busy enough talking to Derek that they probably haven't even noticed she's late at all. But she sees Weiss and Savvy waiting by themselves, and all her good thoughts leave her mind. Maybe he cancelled the date. Maybe he told them he doesn't want to be her friend.

"Where's Derek?"

Savvy shrugs slightly, and Weiss stands up as he replies. "Not here yet. The nurse said he's with a patient." And Addison feels a tinge of pain when the situation reminds her of her last four Thanksgiving in Manhattan, but she decides not to let herself be negative. Not today. They're not married anymore. This is different. Maybe he's just running late. And, knowing her friends' plane is leaving soon, she decides to take them to that place she likes and wait there for Derek. In case he's running _really_ late. She doesn't want to risk her friends leaving without seeing her favorite spot in town.

After leaving Derek a message telling him where they'll be, Addison leads Weiss and Savvy to the parking lot where their rental car is. They want to go straight to the airport after lunch, and they refused to let her drive them there. As Savvy put it, there's no way she's going to cry in the middle of an airport, and Addison had to agree. If she has to have a tear-filled goodbye – and she knows the odds of that happening are very high thanks to the hormones – she'd rather have it in a less public place.

A few minutes later, the three friends get out of their cars and climb the stairs to the roof of the building, and Savvy can't help but smile when they finally get there. "Trust Addie to find a place like this in a city she's been living in for less than two months. It even has the cute little viewfinders!" Addison chuckles at her friend as she puts down the bags with the food. "Well, I wouldn't be considering moving here if I hadn't found the cute little viewfinders." Addison sits on the bench then, and tries to fight the urge to look at her watch. Derek is coming. He is. This is not the same as all those Thanksgivings she spent looking at her watch and waiting for him.

"So, how is Junior doing?"

Weiss' question brings the smile back to her face. "Good. We're both doing great." Savvy sits down next to her and wraps her coat tighter around herself. It's beginning to be cold outside. "No more morning sickness?" And the way she asked – with a smirk that tells her she's being more playful than concerned – makes Addison laugh before she answers. "No more morning sickness, I'm sorry. I know you'd have loved to see me run to the bathroom at the mention of food." And Savvy pretends to be offended when she replies. "Well, look at you. All glowing and hot with your cute little pregnant bump. Being sick is the least you could do for us normal women."

The three friends laugh at that, and Savvy looks thoughtful for a moment before she speaks again. "So, do you think it's a Savvy or a Savvo?" And Addison takes a moment to think. She doesn't know. And she can't believe she hasn't even thought about it yet. "I have no idea about the sex. But I'm gonna officially veto both of those names, for the record." Weiss chuckles and sits down next to Savvy as he speaks. "Maybe it's both, maybe it's twins! Man, I would pay to see you and Mark dealing with twins." Addison smiles but shakes her head. "As entertaining as I'm sure that'd be for you two, there's only one baby in here." And she places one hand on the still small curve of her stomach, mentally thanking the universe for not making it twins. "They could have missed it, you know. I've heard it happens."

"They could have missed it, but I couldn't."

And her friends look at her with a smirk on their faces. "What? I'm the best, it's a fact. I wouldn't have missed a second fetus on an ultrasound!" And Weiss chuckles as Savvy voices what's on their minds. "I've known you for thirty three years, and I'm still not used to your shameless lack of modesty in your professional life." Addison laughs at that, remembering that her first words to Savvy included a mention of her last perfect score in reading and an offer to help her out. "Modesty is both useless and overrated when you're the foremost neonatal surgeon in the country." And her friends laugh with her, because they know she also found it useless and overrated when she was just the foremost reader in the first grade.

Weiss' phone rings moments later, and he mouths Mark's name before he walks away to talk. Addison knows she'll probably get her own call later, and she can't help but smile. Distance aside, it feels like the old times. She still has her friends, and she knows Derek will show up as soon as he can. And she's happy. She's happy to see that – even though things have changed – this is still the same. After failed relationships and marriages, after life-changing decisions and the surgeries that go with them, they're still friends. Still laughing together like they did all those years ago.

"How come Mark didn't visit today? It's Thanksgiving."

And Savvy's question brings her back from Memory Lane. "He couldn't take another day off so soon." Savvy smiles and nods at her friend. "Good. I thought something had gone horribly wrong between you guys last week." Addison chuckles at that, finding it utterly ridiculous. "What? Why would anything have gone wrong?" And Savvy shrugs with a half-innocent look on her face. "Because it's you guys. He pulls on your pigtails, you throw sand at him. It's what you two do." Addison laughs again, louder this time, even though she knows her friend has a point. "Well, I can assure you there was no pigtail-pulling or sand-throwing this time."

Savvy's smile broadens at that. "Then something incredibly right happened. And don't bother whining, I know you two. The grey area is an unknown concept for you." And Addison smiles against her will, because she's missed Savvy and her creepy mind-reading powers. "Nothing happened. We apologized for hurting each other, we saw our baby, and we had lunch, that's all. Not necessarily in that order." Savvy gives Addison's hand a small squeeze, the smile still on her face. "I have a feeling about you two." And Addison shakes her head softly. "Don't start. We're not right for each other right now, we know that, and we're okay with that."

"That's why I think my feeling is right."

Addison can't begin to argue before Weiss comes back, and she decides to forget about Savvy's feeling – and her own – for now. "Mark says happy Thanksgiving." Both women smile, and Weiss looks at his watch as he sits down, frowning slightly at what he sees. "It's almost two… maybe we should start eating…" The mood shifts the moment he finishes talking, and an awkward silence fills the air until Addison decides to speak. "All right, let's eat. The food is probably cold by now, for added flashback value."

The three friends make small talk as they eat, and Addison tries not to let the sudden sadness take over her mind. Maybe he forgot. Maybe there was an emergency. Maybe he didn't get the message. And she's painfully aware of the fact that she's making excuses for him, like she's been doing for the last five years, but she can't help it. She couldn't stomach his indifference then, and she still can't do it now. But at least she has her friends. At least she's not alone waiting this time. And she realizes Mark is not going to come over with a movie tonight. She will be alone – more than she's ever been – tonight. And the tears threaten to fall, but she forces herself to think positive. Maybe he didn't get the message.

When all the food is gone, and after they've finished cleaning up, Weiss gives Savvy a look and she smiles apologetically at Addison. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but we have to go…" Addison nods and smiles when Savvy hugs her tightly, and she decides not to stop the tears anymore. At least now she can pretend she's crying because of the goodbye. "Take care of yourself and my godchild. And call me. And don't work too much. Oh, and Addie… leave the blond hair to your intern, okay?" Addison chuckles between tears, and promises Savvy she'll let out the frustration in a way that doesn't involve hair dye this time. After hugging Weiss and giving him permission to help Mark plan Blob's sports career, her friends get in their rental car and wave at her as they drive away.

And she's alone again.

xxx

"Derek? It's me. Where are you?" It's the second message she's left in his voicemail. She knows she should have left after Weiss and Savvy, but she couldn't. She's allowed herself two hours to gather the courage she needs to leave and accept Derek isn't going to come. And she's furious at herself for letting this affect her. For not having moved on completely. But she tells herself nobody said this would be easy. She's entitled to some time to put it all behind her. She's only been officially divorced for a few hours, after all, and she knows there's no magical way to make that paper erase all her feelings. But she wishes there was.

When the two hours are up, she forces herself to get up from the bench and leave. She has to. And she's proud of herself for not having spent the whole hour crying. Because it means it's not all the same. It doesn't affect her as much as it used to. She's moving on, little by little. And she thinks she'll make it. But she doesn't know what to do now that she's not waiting anymore. Normally, she'd call Mark. But she tells herself that wouldn't be a good idea, because she needs to learn not to call him every time things get tough. If she wants to move on, she needs to stop relying on Mark for every little thing. That's how everything started, after all. Mark was there every time she needed someone, and he ended up being all she ever needed. But that can't happen today. She's moving on.

After driving aimlessly for almost another two hours, she decides taking the day off was probably a bad idea and goes back to the hospital, hoping for something to keep her entertained. She knows Richard won't be happy if he sees her there – he's being really strict when it comes to making sure she doesn't work too much – but she can't go to her room right now. Not yet. And a part of her still hopes Derek will be at the hospital waiting for them. She still hopes he just didn't get her message.

The rain starts pouring down the moment she steps out of her car, and it's both fitting and exasperating, and she can't believe she didn't bring her umbrella today. She should have gotten used to it by now. But she still hopes it won't rain every day, just like she still hopes Derek has a real excuse. And she wonders if that's normal for a woman with her reputation as a cynic. But, if she's learnt anything from all this, that's the fact that reputations are all lies, most of the time. Like the perfect marriage, the flawless husband or the insensitive manwhore.

Derek is not waiting when she walks into the hospital. And it's not surprising, but it still hurts, as much as she hates to admit it. She shouldn't have come to the hospital. She shouldn't be here, looking for him. She shouldn't still be the one making an effort. And she wants to turn around and leave, but she sees Yang at the nurses' station, and she figures asking about him won't hurt. At least that way she'll know if he's still working or he just went home after standing her – and their friends – up.

"Dr. Yang." And the intern looks at her as if she was some kind of hideous monster, which she guesses she is. For the interns at least. "Have you seen Dr. Shepherd?" And Cristina's expression doesn't change when she answers. "No, I have not." Addison tries again, because she figures she has nothing to lose. "Do you know where he is?" The answer is once again cold and emotionless. "No, I do not." And she can't suppress a sigh, because she knows Cristina would have told her the truth if she'd asked. She's an attending, after all, and Cristina Yang is just wired that way. "He was supposed to meet me hours ago." And an awkward silence follows her words, both women obviously uncomfortable with the situation. "I'm not here." Yang's words make her realize this wasn't a good idea, and she decides it's time to leave and stop fighting.

"Neither am I."

It's still raining when she walks out of the hospital. Still as fitting, and still as exasperating. And she looks across the street at Joe's bar, hoping for another chat with the friendly bartender. But it's closed, and she gets into her car instead, deciding to go to her hotel room and try to sleep. Even though it's barely seven. Even though she's not sleepy. But she's tired of this day, and she's ready to let it go. She wants to pretend it's late at night and the day is over. She wants it to stop being Thanksgiving. To stop hurting. And she decides tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow, she'll start moving on.

The next ferry won't leave until seven thirty, and she turns off her car and looks at the long line of cars in front of hers. People going home for Thanksgiving dinner, she figures. And she decides she's definitely the most pathetic person in the line. The one that's going back to an empty hotel room. But she only allows herself a few moments of self pity before she decides enough is enough. She's not pathetic. And she can't afford to think she is, because she needs to start moving on. She needs to get ready for Blob. And a divorced woman who pities herself and thinks she's pathetic is not the kind of mother she wants to be.

Thinking about Blob makes her – as always – think about Mark, and she wonders if she should call him. He hasn't called her today, and she figures he has a hot Thanksgiving date. It is part of his Thanksgiving tradition, after all. But she decides leaving a happy Thanksgiving message won't hurt, and dials his number as she rehearses the message in her head. She shouldn't be nervous about it. He's Mark, and she's Addison, and leaving a message for him should feel as natural as talking to him. Except it doesn't. Probably because she's never done it before. Mark always picks up when she calls.

"Hello?"

He picks up this time as well, and it takes Addison by surprise. "Mark? Hey! I didn't think you'd be available… happy Thanksgiving!" She feels his smile even before he replies, and she can't help but smile as well, trying to push Savvy's feeling out of her mind. "Happy Thanksgiving, Addie. And Blob. How was your day?" Addison shrugs and closes her eyes for a second, trying to find a way of telling him without sounding as hurt as she actually is. "It was all right. I took Weiss and Sav to the Best of Seattle spot, we had Chinese. And now I'm going back to the hotel." Mark stays silent for a moment before he speaks again.

"He didn't show up, did he?"

And Addison shakes her head, as if he could see her. "Weiss told me when I called. That you were meeting him for lunch and that he was late… I wanted to call you, but I was… you know. Prepared for the worst, but…" And she finishes for him. "Hoping for the best. I know." They fall into a comfortable silence then, wordlessly agreeing not to talk about that anymore. "So, where are you? How come you're answering your phone on Thanksgiving night?" Mark smiles again as he answers. "I had work to do. Weiss and Sav won't be here until late tonight, so I figured I'd make this city a little prettier. Give it something to be thankful for."

He doesn't tell her it was his shrink's idea. He doesn't tell her he's trying to find healthier ways to deal with loneliness, anger, pain and every other emotion than sleeping with random women. He doesn't tell her he's done a month's worth of surgeries in the last week. And that his shrink thinks he's making progress, and he likes himself more than ever before, because – for the first time in his life – he feels like he's doing something to be proud of. He doesn't tell her she's not the only reason – not even the main one – why he's doing it. He doesn't tell her he wants to be a better man because a self-destructive manwhore is not the kind of father he wants to be.

"I have to make a choice by next week."

She knows he doesn't need any explanations. She knows he knows what she's talking about. And he does. "It's a nice city. And a great job." It's all he can say without feeling like a hypocrite. Because he wants her to go back to Manhattan, but he knows he shouldn't. He should want her to do whatever she wants. "I know that, Mark. What do you really think?" And he almost wishes she didn't have that gift of hers to know when he isn't telling the whole truth. "Selfishly? I think you should take the next plane back. I miss you, and I want you to not live a country away. That's my selfish opinion." Addison takes a moment before she replies. "Except you wouldn't know how to be selfish if you tried."

And he knows that's something only Addison could say. She's the only person in the world who doesn't think of him as a selfish asshole. And he knows what he really wants. "I want you to be happy, Addie. I want you to do whatever you need to do to be happy. If that's moving to Seattle… then I want you to stay there and take that job." Addison smiles at his words and sighs softly before speaking again. "I thought it was. I thought moving here would make me happy. I still do. But after today…"

Mark doesn't let her finish, and his voice sounds firm when he speaks. "Don't let him make the choice for you. He chose to move, but he doesn't get to decide whether you do it or not. He'll get over it, Addie. You… we made a mistake, and we hurt him, but you don't have to spend your whole life paying for it. You deserve to be happy." And she realizes he's right. She realizes she's spent every single day after he left worrying about Derek. Letting him and her own guilt hold her back. And maybe Mark is right. Maybe she does deserve to be happy.

"Thank you, Mark."

He doesn't tell her he only used the shrink's words. That he's still working on believing he deserves to be happy, himself. "Anytime." The cars start moving in front of her, and she decides it's time to say goodbye for now. She can be alone. She doesn't know how, but she'll do it. She can go to her hotel room and spend the rest of Thanksgiving Day alone. She deserves to be able to. "I have to get going. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Mark smiles again, happy to hear her sound confident again. "Okay. Good night, Addie."

A few minutes later, Addison sits on a rather uncomfortable chair, looking at the rain hitting the glass on the window of the ferryboat. She likes Seattle, even with the rain. She likes working with Richard again, and she likes mentoring Izzie Stevens. She likes the fact that – outside the hospital – she has a clean record. That nobody knows her and nobody judges her. She likes the change. She even likes the fact that she doesn't have friends or a routine yet. That she's starting fresh, by herself, for the first time in her life.

A person walks over to her, and she's surprised to see Derek's face when she looks up. Surprisingly enough, she's not angry. Not anymore. She's sad, but not enough to cry. She feels almost detached, for the first time since she met him. "You didn't show." And he nods, looking almost sorry. But she's not hoping for an excuse anymore. "So, um… I bought Chinese food. And it got lukewarm and old, which made it just like the food we used to have in med school." Derek looks down, and she decides not to give him time to talk. "Derek, are you done? Hurting me, I mean? Because I need to know. Cause if not… I have to special order a thicker skin or something when I move here."

Derek sits down next to her, looking into her eyes in silence. And she wonders if he'll tell her not to move. She hopes so. Just so she can give him the speech about her deserving to make her own choices. But he doesn't. "It's not easy." And she knows, slightly surprised at his answer, because she understand. "We can be civil. I can try." Addison smiles at him. "Thank you." And she gets up to go back to her car when the ferry stops moving. They can be civil, and she's moving to Seattle. Everything will be all right. She can move on, and she can be happy.

Because she deserves that.


	19. You Never Think Of Me

_A/N: I'm really, really sorry about the ridiculously long time it took me to update this. My muse spent about a month in a coma and then I got busy and it took me weeks to write something that made sense. Again, I'm sorry about that. But I hope you still remember this story and that you'll enjoy this chapter! :)_

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**19. You Never Think Of Me**

"Come in."

Addison opens the door and walks into Richard's office, feeling as if she'd been called into the principal's office at school. She hopes it's something important, though, because she didn't appreciate being pulled away from her newest patient. Patients, actually, if you count the five babies in her uterus. And it's one of those – very rare – cases that actually make her nervous, so she really needs to concentrate. But Patricia is there with Richard, and she figures whatever it is has to be important if he needs her there as well. "You called me?"

Richard nods and moves a sheet of paper on his table in her direction. "Well?" She walks towards him and looks down at the paper in front of her, quickly realizing she's looking at her contract. Of course. With the quintuplets in her mind, she had completely forgotten today is the day she has to make a choice. She allows herself one last moment to think about it, giving her mind a chance to say something against staying. But she reads over the contract and takes the pen Richard was offering her, because she truly believes this is the right thing to do. So she signs her name – and it feels incomplete without the second last name – and hands Patricia the papers, feeling calmer than she thought she would.

"Nice to have you on board." Addison thanks Patricia with a smile before Patricia leaves the room, and Richard looks proudly – and slightly cockily, if you ask her – at her before he speaks.

"Your own service. State of the art NICU. And a salary that'll make you one of the highest paid surgeons in the Northwest. You better be worth it." And she smiles at him as she answers matching his cockiness, and she realizes she's probably learnt that from him.

"Quintuplets, Richard." He nods at her words then, and she's not sure he knows what she meant.

"That's a goal." No, he definitely doesn't know what she meant.

"Mother-to-be checked in this morning." And Richard's face shows pure delight, as if he'd just realized she was, indeed, worth it.

"Nothing I like more than a high profile case." Addison can't help but smile then, but she also tries to keep her voice serious as she voices her concern.

"Well, don't go calling the press in yet. It's an extremely high risk pregnancy. At least three of the babies are surgical. In fact, I'm gonna need to pull people from all departments." Richard gives her a nod and stands up, holding his hand out for her.

"You're my star. Whatever you need." And she shakes his hand with a smile on her face, feeling as if he was naming her Chief Resident all over again.

"Thank you, Richard. I'll go back to work." But Richard's voice stops her just when she opens the door to walk out.

"Addie? I'm glad you decided to stay." And she leaves the room after smiling at her mentor, even more sure about her choice than before.

x.x.x

"Have you seen Izzie Stevens?"

Miranda Bailey points in the general direction of the locker room, obviously too busy with her charts to pay her too much attention, and Addison walks into the room and looks around for her favorite intern. She spots her sitting on a bench and munching distractedly on an apple, and Izzie quickly sits up straight as soon as she sees her. "Good morning, Dr. Montgomery." Addison smiles and nods as a reply, handing her Dorie's chart.

"Quintuplets!?" Izzie's excitement startles Addison slightly, and Izzie quickly apologizes when she realizes. "I'm sorry. I mean, quintuplets? That's… wow!"

Addison can't help but smile – because she knows she'd be just as excited if she didn't have six lives in her hands – when she replies. "It is. I'm gonna need your undivided attention for this case, it's not gonna be easy."

Izzie nods at that, her face the picture of sheer happiness. "I'll be one hundred percent focused, Dr. Montgomery. Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity." Addison nods as she follows Izzie out of the locker room, and walks next to her as the intern reads the chart. "Have you ever delivered quintuplets before, Dr. Montgomery?"

"I have. Not with at least three of them needing surgery, though. This case is going to be a challenge." Izzie nods again, still looking at the chart, and lets out a small sigh when she finally closes it.

"If they'd reduced the embryos only by two…" And Addison – even though she knows Izzie's remark had nothing to do with her – can't help but feel uncomfortable about her comment. Probably because it reminded her of the fact that she'd once contemplated not having Blob.

"It's not such an easy choice, Dr. Stevens. People get attached to their embryos, you know." She sees Izzie look at the barely noticeable curve under Addison's sweater for a split second before blushing slightly and looking into her eyes once again.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery. I didn't mean to… I mean, I…" And Addison shakes her head and smiles at her, placing her hand reassuringly on Izzie's shoulder before walking into the room.

"It's all right, Dr. Stevens." And it is, really. Addison wasn't expecting the always tactful intern to make a comment that could be considered offensive in the slightest, but she wasn't supposed to know that Blob is apparently not only providing Addison with a ridiculously high sex drive – which she is trying to ignore – but also an insane amount of hormones that make even the most innocent comment seem like a personal attack. No, Izzie Stevens definitely wasn't supposed to know that.

They greet Dorie with a smile when they walk into her room, and Addison can't help but smile proudly after Izzie answers correctly to her first medical question of the day. She loves it when she's right, and Izzie proves her so every single time she shows even the slightest bit of talent for her specialty. She's having a good time working with the bubbly intern – Izzie's seems to donate her excess of happiness to Addison on a daily basis – and she's pretty sure Izzie also enjoys working with her. Especially now that the universal hate towards her seems to have disappeared and she doesn't have to be known as the woman who ruined Meredith's life anymore.

In the middle of the exam, Dorie's husband joins them in the room and mentions the children they have at home. Dorie quickly explains that they have four year old triplet boys, and Izzie can hardly suppress her surprise at the news. "Triplets? You already have triplets. I guess when you take those fertility pills you should read the fine print." Izzie's second foot-in-mouth moment of the day doesn't go unnoticed by Addison, who tears her eyes away from the monitor to send her a warning look.

"Dr. Stevens."

Izzie quickly realizes what she said and apologizes to Dorie, who assures her that she didn't take offense on her comment. And Addison can only hope the hormones that make her take offense on everything in the world will be gone by the time she reaches thirty two weeks like Dorie. But something – and by something she means Mark on their daily talks – tells her that the hormones are only half of the reason for her abnormally snappy mood, the other half being just her natural bitchiness.

But Tom and Dorie don't seem to mind Izzie's comment as much as Addison did, and they are soon too busy talking about their soon-to-be-born daughters to pay their doctors any attention. Addison takes that chance to sign on the chart and lean closer to Izzie to speak quietly, making sure only she can hear. "Try not to say everything that pops into your brain." And Izzie half-smiles at her, making Addison wonder, once again, what exactly has been on the intern's head all day.

As soon as she walks out of Dorie's room, Addison heads for the nurses' station, where Derek and Burke are. Placing Dorie's file on the counter in front of them, she flashes them a smile as she tells them about the quints.

"Yes, Richard said we were on standby, which is no problem, really, cause it's not like I have a neurosurgery department to run or anything." Derek's sarcastic remark earns him a smile and a fake sympathetic sound from Addison, who is too happy with this let's-be-civil arrangement to care that the two men with the biggest egos in the hospital are pretending to be mad about their departments being at her disposal.

"Do you have time to talk to the mom now? I want her to meet all the surgeons on the team." The two men agree to meet with Dorie soon, and Burke leaves for the OR leaving Derek and her alone to walk back to Dorie's room.

Derek reads over Dorie's file on their way there, and the silence between them is – for once – comfortable enough that she doesn't feel the need to break it just so it will stop. As nervous as she was about making the move to Seattle official, she has to say she's felt more and more sure that it was the right choice with every minute of the day. It's a big change, but a good one. A fresh start of sorts. It has all the benefits of one, but she still has her old friends, she's sure she'll make new ones eventually, and even her ex-husband seems to be doing all right with the fact that they're sharing a city. She is – if she may say so herself – doing a pretty amazing job at being a newly divorced woman.

They walk into the room just as Izzie helps Dorie into her bed, and Addison introduces Derek before going straight to the point. "Anyway, Dorie, Dr. Shepherd wants to talk to you about Baby C." Dorie corrects her; letting them know Baby C is actually Lucy, and Addison can't help but wish she hadn't done that. For a woman who assigns her baby patients random names on a regular basis, she finds it more difficult to keep her distance when they actually have one. Sometimes, not even she can understand the way her mind works. But Baby C is Lucy now, and it's Lucy who needs neurosurgery, so Addison holds her breath as Derek speaks, because she's not just "a quint" anymore, and she laughs relieved along with Dorie and Izzie when Derek finishes his speech with the announcement that Lucy will be just fine, smiling at Derek when he excuses himself to go see his other patients.

"So, Dr. Montgomery, how far along are you?" Addison looks at Dorie, more surprised than she probably should have been by her question, and Dorie seems to notice when she quickly apologizes. "Oh, sorry, I didn't want to be nosy, I just…" But Addison doesn't let her finish before she smiles at her and answers her question, ridiculously happy that someone has noticed – for the first time – that Blob is actually right there in her uterus.

"You weren't, I was just someplace else right now. I'm fourteen weeks along." Dorie matches Addison's smile with one of her own, and she rubs her own belly as she speaks again.

"I already looked like a whale when I was fourteen weeks along. You're only having one, right?" Addison can't help but chuckle as she nods emphatically – and mentally thanks, once again, whoever it was that made Blob just one single baby – and assures her that she is, indeed, expecting only one. "Well, look at you. That must be what people are talking about when they say pregnant women glow. I never did, I just ballooned up, but you do glow. Right, Dr. Stevens?"

Izzie is all smiles when she agrees with Dorie – and Addison doesn't quite know if she's smiling because she's happy that she glows or because she's finally gotten some information on her pregnancy – and it's then that Addison realizes that she wasn't alone with Dorie, and she suddenly feels like she's over sharing quite a bit. "Why, thank you. And you look gorgeous, Dorie, just for the record."

Dorie smiles at her and shakes her head as if she didn't believe her – and Addison has to wonder exactly how many women in the world could have five babies inside of them and still look great and have a sense of humor – but her phone rings before she can assure Dorie that she's not kidding. Mark's name flashes on the screen, and she instructs Izzie to make a pager list with all the people they'll need before excusing herself and walking out of the room.

"How many times have you snapped at people without a good reason so far?"

Addison smirks into the phone and puts on her best dignified voice as she replies. "Hello to you too, Dr. Sloan. And just one… and a half. No, just one. The second one was justified… ish." And she hears him chuckle on the other side of the line before he speaks again.

"Well, make sure you do it three and a half more times before the day is over, I don't want to pay Weiss and Savvy twenty bucks for this."

"You think it's funny? I'm dealing with your fetus and the hormones all by myself and you think it's funny. Well, shame on you. All three of you."

"Only two and a half times left, now." He stops laughing and ignores her offended sounds. "Seriously, though, how are you? Did you sign your contract? Any interesting cases?"

Addison leans against the wall as she answers, smiling again after the change of subject. "I'm good, and yes I did. I have a patient who's pregnant with quints and has triplets at home. And she still smiles and looks sane, it's unbelievable."

"We're still sure on the single baby front, right?"

She chuckles at the slightly nervous tone of his voice before she replies. "Yes, Mark, we're still sure. Are you gonna keep asking this forever?"

"Only until Blob is out of there and I am sure there's nobody else inside."

"You make my uterus sound like a clown car, you know."

Mark laughs heartily into the phone as Addison sees a nurse give her a weird look and smiles awkwardly at her before walking into the nearest empty room. "Anyway, Dorie – that's my patient – just noticed I'm pregnant, and I'm proud of my expanding uterus. Except for the part when I realize it will keep growing until I look like a whale."

"You say uterus a worrying amount of times in casual conversation. And you'll never look like a whale, just… a very sexy whale."

Addison rolls her eyes as if he could see her, and speaks in her best sarcastic voice. "Why thank you, Mark. I feel much better now."

"Come on, I just mean you're one of the sexiest women alive and that won't change just because you're pregnant. And you know that, you just want to hear me say it."

And she did, actually, but now she's regretting it a little bit. Because Mark just has that way of saying "sexy", with that voice of his and making it sound like he actually believes it – like he's fighting the urge to rip her clothes off, even through the phone – and Addison doesn't need that right now. Not when she spends every waking moment of the day keeping her mind occupied on thoughts that are as far away from sex as possible just so she won't go insane. In the last few weeks, she's decided the biggest advantage of having a partner while pregnant is not the moral support or being showered in love. The biggest advantage is, definitely, the possibility of having sex.

"Addie? Are you still there?" And Addison clears her throat and closes her eyes, trying to think of things that don't remind her of sex. But those things are, lately, ridiculously scarce.

"Yeah! Yes, I am. Listen; uh I should go check on Dorie. I'll… talk to you later, okay?"

He sounds slightly confused when he replies. "Sure. Bye, Addie."

"Yeah, bye bye."

Addison sits on the bed and rubs her temples, trying to think of non-sexy things. Work would be the obvious choice, but her job happens to revolve around sex – or at least it's always implied – so she tries to find something else. Anything, really. Like having signed her contract. That has nothing to do with sex. She's signed her contract, and she's happy about it. She should start thinking about moving out of the hotel, now that she's officially living in Seattle. Maybe a nice house with a big backyard for Blob to play. Mark could even play catch with Blob there in the big backyard. Would Mark play catch, backyard aside? She thinks he would, what with the sports obsession and all. She can picture Mark playing catch with Blob. She can definitely picture Mark playing sports, in general. Like tennis, with his shirt off like the last time they were in the Hamptons. He looked good with his shirt off, and the whole muscle thing going on, and…

Luckily – arguably – for Addison, her pager goes off before her mind can bring up more details about shirtless Mark, and she shakes her head for a moment before looking at the small screen, slightly confused when she realizes that she's not lying on the sand watching Mark play tennis after all. A quick glance at her pager lets her know she's needed in Dorie's room, and she jumps up from the bed and runs there, still trying to clear her mind after the unintentional slip into sex territory.

"Where's Dr. Stevens?"

The nurse tells her she doesn't know, and Addison goes straight to the monitor as she tries to calm Dorie down. "Don't worry, Dorie, you're all going to be fine. I'm going to do an ultrasound just to make sure everything's going all right, okay?" Dorie nods her agreement and Addison starts doing the ultrasound just as Izzie rushes into the room. "Where have you been?"

Izzie stutters a little when she answers, and Addison can't help but notice the way she's tying up her hair, which looks almost as messy as her scrubs. And her cheeks are flushed, but Addison doesn't think it's because of the fact that she wasn't by the patient like Addison had asked her to. She thinks there's other reason for the flushed cheeks and the messy hair and scrubs, but she's trying not to think about it, because the other reason is Izzie having lots and lots of sex. All the sex she can't have, and then some. And she shifts a little on her feet and focuses on the screen in front of her, because she really doesn't need to be thinking about the fact that everyone is having sex except for her, who is the only one who's hormonally entitled to be having all the sex she wants.

So she channels Dr. Montgomery and pushes sex-deprived Addison away from her mind to talk to Dorie in her best professional voice. "The babies' vital signs are stable, but your placenta is laying low. We're going to have to keep a close eye on that; we want to keep them in there as long as possible."

But Tom doesn't seem to be too sure of that, and Dorie calms him down before Addison can do it, making her wonder – once again – how can she be the calm one in the situation. "It's all right, hun, they can stop them. You're going to trendelenburg me, right?" Addison nods and smiles, pleasantly surprised at Dorie's knowledge, but she's quick to inform her that they did it to her with the triplets too.

"Well, that's all we can do for now." And she looks at Izzie as she continues. "Dr. Stevens, are you on call tonight?" Izzie tells her she isn't, and Addison tries not to focus on the thoughts of Izzie using her not on-call time to have even more sex than she already is having. "You are now." And she hopes she didn't sound as vengeful as she's feeling.

Addison leaves the room moments later, with Izzie following close behind, and she leaves the chart on the nurse's station as she turns around to look at her, hoping for the professional talk to keep her mind at rest. "Do we have a pager list yet?"

"There's Dr. Shepherd in Lucy's team, Dr. Burke in Emily's, Dr. Bailey in Julie's, and Alex in case we need more hands. George and Cristina are working with Dr. Burke and Dr. Bailey today, so they'll be there too." Addison nods at Izzie's words and takes a look at the list she's handed her.

"Why isn't there anyone assigned to… Charlotte and Kate?" She likes that the intern hasn't used letters to refer to the babies, even though it makes it a little harder for her. It's nice to see the five names neatly written on the piece of paper.

"Well, they aren't surgical, so I thought…"

Addison shakes her head. "Surgical or not, they will all need to be monitored closely. Put Karev on Kate's team, and Grey on Charlotte's. I'll take care of Dorie, and you can scrub in on one of the surgeries if they need you. "

Izzie nods and writes Addison's instructions on the list before going back to Dorie's room, seconds before George and Burke walk over to Addison.

"Dr. Montgomery. You wanted me to talk to the quints' mother, right?"

Addison nods and hands him the file. "One of them quints' hearts shows some abnormalities. It looks like hypo plastic left heart syndrome to me, but I wanted you to take a look to make sure before we told the parents about it."

Burke frowns as he looks at the file. "It seems you were right." He holds the ultrasound picture out for George to see. "See that, O'Malley? The left side is severely underdeveloped."

Addison is – for once – not proud of a good diagnosis. She knows Emily will have it hard from the moment she is born. "Can you talk to the parents now? They'll feel better if they can ask you some questions."

Burke nods and follows Addison and George into the room where Izzie is taking care of Dorie.

"Hey, Dorie. Tom. This is Dr. Burke; he's the head of cardio thoracic surgery, and Dr. O'Malley who will be assisting him." She moves over to the bed, letting Burke and George stand where Dorie and Tom can see them. "Dr. Burke wanted to talk to you about Emily's heart surgery."

"Emily needs heart surgery?" Addison nods and stands next to her bed, trying to support her and make it easier for Dorie. Or, at least, as easy as it can be considering Burke is telling them everything that's wrong with their daughter's heart.

As she listens to Burke explain the surgery and Emily's condition, Addison can't help but notice how harder her job has become ever since Blob came into the picture. She's always been one of those doctors that get too attached to her patients, but now she relates in a different way. A deeper way. She actually knows – and doesn't have to imagine – what it feels like to have a human being growing inside of her, and she can definitely picture what it must feel like to hear that something's wrong with it.

But it's not all bad. Every successful surgery and healthy new baby makes her happy in a way her job had never done before. She can relate to the sad and difficult cases and suffer with the parents, but it's equally easy for her to feel completely happy with them when things go well.

"Dr. Montgomery." Burke's voice stops Addison's train of thought. "That's all I can do for now. Page me when you need me, please."

Addison nods at his words. "Thank you, Dr. Burke."

She looks at Dorie and Tom then, both still shaken by the news and trying to digest all the information. "Dorie. Tom. We'll leave you two alone. We'll be back later to check on you." Addison half-smiles at them and leaves the room, closely followed by a sad-looking Izzie Stevens.

"Is it as bad as it sounds?" Addison looks at Izzie, slightly confused. "Emily's heart. Is it as bad as it sounds?"

Addison nods and lets out a small sigh. "It is. It's not gonna be easy for her."

"It's so unfair." Izzie leans against the nurses' station, still looking at Addison. "She hasn't even been born yet, and she already has it hard. Babies should come into the world with a clean slate and a fair chance at life."

Addison can't help but smile at Izzie, seeing herself in her once again. "We both know it doesn't work that way, Stevens. We see it every day. Our job is to fix that and give them all that fair chance. It's heartbreaking to see how unfair life can be, but we are the only ones that can change that. We save lives and give those babies a fighting chance. That's what we do."

Izzie smiles at her, and Addison knows how she feels. She heard a variation of the same speech too, years ago. "We are one of the best surgical teams in the country. If there's someone who can help those babies get their fair chance, that's us."

Izzie nods and stays silent while she looks at Addison write on a chart. Addison isn't nearly as confident as she's trying to make Izzie believe, but she knows from experience that there's nothing scarier for an intern than seeing an attending in doubt, and she doesn't want Izzie to be scared. Not yet, anyway. She has a feeling there'll be plenty of time to be scared once the babies get here.

"I've heard there's a guy with a broken penis downstairs."

Addison looks up from her chart, amused and shocked at the same time, and looks at Izzie to see if she's also heard the nurse's comment. But Izzie looks more like she wants to run away than like she wants to laugh, and Addison can't help but wonder if it was her who broke the guy's penis. It wouldn't surprise her, with all the sex she's having.

"Yang told O'Malley it was Meredith Grey who broke it."

Oh, well, that's just _perfect_. Not only is her favorite intern having sex all over the hospital, but also Meredith freaking Grey. Enough sex to break a guy's penis, whatever that means. And she sort of hopes it's Derek's penis that's broken, just so she knows they won't be having any more genital-breaking sex while she's pregnant, cranky and on her way to forget how to do it from the lack of practice.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Bailey's voice brings her back to reality, and she's almost sure she's heard Izzie's sigh of relief when she stopped listening to the nurses. "We're ready to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Russell, if you need us."

Addison nods, still slightly confused by the sudden change of subjects. "Richard told me you're going to operate on Julie's omphalocele, and I wanted you to see it and explain the procedure to the parents." She starts walking towards the room and looks at Izzie, who's still read from head to toe. "Stevens."

Izzie quickly follows them inside, and Addison moves towards the bed. "Dorie, these are Dr. Bailey and Dr. Yang. They will be operating on Julie. I'm gonna need to do another ultrasound so we can see her."

It only takes her a few moments to have the picture she needs, and she hands her to Bailey with a concerned look on her face. "There it is. Right there. The omphalocele."

"That's the scariest word yet." Addison gives Dorie's shoulder a reassuring squeeze and lets the other doctors explain.

"All it means is that some of the baby's organs are growing in a sac outside its body."

Well, way to go, Yang. She managed to scare the hell out of the patient and call her daughter "it" without looking her detached voice. But Addison can't focus on that for too long before Izzie puts Cristina in her place with a stern voice and calms Dorie down, and Addison can't help but beam proudly at her. Way to go, Stevens.

x.x.x

She arrives at the hotel two hours later, after doing one last check-up on Dorie and leaving Stevens with her. It's been a long day, and all she wants is to get into bed and get some much-needed sleep before it's time to be at the hospital again. They're doing everything they can to keep those babies in there as long as possible, but she knows it won't be long before they get here. She's gonna need all the sleep she can get.

She's only been asleep for a couple of hours when a knock on the door startles her awake. She thinks she's just imagined it at first, but she hears it once again, louder this time, and she gets up and goes to the door. Addison can't suppress a quiet gasp when she sees who's standing on the other side. "Mark?"

And he smiles at her, with that expression on his face that makes her feel like she's the only woman in the world. "Addie."

"What...?" But he doesn't let her finish. His lips are on hers before she can say another word, and she closes her eyes and moans quietly into his mouth when his tongue slides between her lips, the overwhelming feeling of everything being right in the world making her knees weak.

Addison is out of breath when he pulls away, carefully tucking a strand of hair behind her right ear. "I can't live without you, Addie. My days of being an immature manwhore are over. I miss the way you always made sure my shirts were ordered by color, even though I told you it was a stupid waste of time. I miss your intelligent humor and your long, perfect legs tangled with mine at night."

He places his hand on the curve of her stomach then, smiling at her as he continues. "I'm ready. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to build us a house with a big backyard where we can barbeque and teach Blob and its brothers and sisters how to play catch. And I want to build you a walk-in closet with a big shoe rack with my own hands."

"O...kay."

"Addison Forbes Montgomery, I'm in love with you. I don't want to spend another day away from you and our baby. I want to go to bed with you every night, wake up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby and let you sleep, and wake up next to you every morning for the rest of our lives. I love you, Addie."

Addison nods and smiles, feeling her eyes beginning to water. "I love you too." Mark doesn't waste a moment before he takes her in his arms and holds her close, letting her take in the scent she didn't even know she'd missed so much as she whispers in his ear. "I love you, Mark."

He kisses her again as he guides them towards the bed, his hands sliding under her top. Addison's back meets the mattress seconds later, and she reaches up to pull him down on top of her, smiling at the familiar feeling of his weight pressing her into the mattress. Mark looks into her eyes then, the intensity of his gaze sending shivers down her spine. He leans in slowly to kiss her once again, their lips mere millimetres apart...

When the sound of her alarm clock startles her awake, Addison automatically rolls over to look next to her, hoping to see Mark laying there. But she's alone, like every morning, and she suddenly feels like crying. She tells herself it's the hormones, or her feeling lonely, but deep down, she knows that's not all. She knows she's crying because it was only a dream. Because it didn't really happen.

"_He's not here. Mark's not here."_

She holds back the tears just long enough to step into the shower and feel the water fall over her, letting the tears flow with it. If she can't feel them rolling down her face, she can pretend she's not crying. Pretend she's not crying for him – for the lack of him – for the first time since it all began.

"_He's not here. He's not here."_

It takes her a few minutes to calm down enough to step out of the shower and start getting ready for work, and she wills herself to think of something else. She wishes she could go back to being only sex-deprived like she was yesterday. But the thoughts of Mark – or any man, for that matter – screwing her senseless against the nearest flat surface aren't there anymore. Now it's just thoughts of Mark – and only Mark – telling her that he's in love with her. And her telling him she loves him too. And she can't have that.

"_Stop it, Addison."_

So she takes the copy of Dorie's file with her when she leaves her room and reads it over and over again on the ferry ride to the hospital, letting the facts and figures push every other thought away. And it works. For the most part.

Addison goes straight for Dorie's room when she arrives at the hospital, and she smiles when she sees she's awake and seemingly all right. "Good morning, Dorie." She walks over to the bed after picking up her chart. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm feeling good... as good as I can feel, given the circumstances." Dorie smiles at Addison and rubs her belly as she continues. "Dr. Stevens left just a few minutes ago. She said everything looks fine."

Addison nods and closes the chart. "It does. The six of you are doing just fine."

"Good! It's good to hear that, for a change."

Addison knows what she's talking about. "Well, Dorie, we're doing everything in our power to make sure it stays that way."

"Thank you, Dr. Montgomery."

"You're welcome." Addison smiles at her. "Is there anything else you need? Anything at all?"

"Just keep us all healthy. That's all I need."

Addison chuckles slightly and nods reassuringly before walking out of the room. "I'm on it."

With nothing else to do for a while – her schedule has been clear to give Dorie's case her undivided attention – Addison decides to go down to the cafeteria and have something to eat. Lately, she has a feeling Blob is trying to drive her insane by going from feeling sick at the mere thought of food to being so hungry she could eat a patient in two seconds flat. And she makes a mental note to never ever lose her patient with a hormonal patient in her life.

She goes straight to the coffee cart when she walks into the cafeteria, and she smiles when she sees Izzie standing next to her. A moment with one of the very few friendly people in the hospital can only help improve her mood. "Morning, Dr. Stevens."

Izzie, who'd been looking half thoughtful and half concerned until then, smiles broadly when she sees her boss standing next to her. "Dr. Montgomery, good morning!" She suddenly looks guilty then, and quickly pays for her muffin. "I only came down for a second; I'll be right back with Mrs. Russell."

Addison chuckles slightly. "It's all right, Stevens. I've just been with her; you did a good job last night." Izzie beams at her after her comment, and Addison decides to take the first step towards forming a friendship in Seattle. She figures she has nothing to lose. "Would you like to... uh, have breakfast with me? Dorie is doing fine, so..."

The broad smile on Izzie's face when she agrees lets her know her offer wasn't entirely inappropriate, and she picks an assortment of chocolate goodies before paying and walking with her towards a table. She tells herself the chocolate is only for Blob's enjoyment, and the calories will obviously go straight to the umbilical cord without even grazing her thighs. The fact that she knows better isn't enough to make her think otherwise.

They start eating in silence, and Addison finally speaks after catching Izzie glancing at her stomach for the third time. "All right, Stevens, what is it?"

"Uh... excuse me?"

"There's obviously something you want to ask me. Since we're apparently not going to be able to have a casual conversation until that's been taken care of, I'm giving you permission to ask whatever personal question is it that you need to ask."

Izzie blushes slightly – making Addison wonder if she really thought she was being stealth with all the stomach-glancing – before she asks. "I... are you all right? I just... I know you're alone here, and I was wondering if you..." She motions between Addison's face and her stomach. "If the two of you were all right."

It takes all of Addison's self-control not to cry right there and then, and she isn't completely sure that her eyes aren't watery when Izzie finishes talking. Finally, after two months, someone cares whether they are all right. "We're both doing fine." She takes a deep breath and smiles at her. "Thank you, Stevens."

Izzie returns Addison's smile, suddenly feeling much more relaxed than before. "Izzie. Everyone calls me Izzie."

"All right, Izzie." Addison takes a sip of her decaf. "And how are _you_ doing?"

Izzie shrugs slightly. "I'm..." But she can't finish before her pager goes off. "It's Dorie. I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery. I have to go."

Addison nods at her. "Page me if you need me." And Izzie assures her that she will before running out of the cafeteria.

Knowing they would have paged her too if something serious was happening to Dorie, Addison finishes her breakfast and walks towards the attendings' locker room to change into her scrubs. She's usually firmly on the no-scrubs camp and wears her own clothes all the time she spends out of the OR, but her skirt is – thanks to Blob – beginning to feel uncomfortable, and she can't wait to get out of it.

Her phone rings just when she's about to walk out of the locker room, and she stares at the small screen for a moment, debating whether or not to answer. Mark. She knows he's not going to tell her that he's ready, or that he's in love with her. She knows that. But she's not sure she'll be able to say anything but "I love you" upon hearing his voice, and she doesn't even know if she actually does.

She hasn't allowed herself to entertain the possibility of loving Mark Sloan. Not even when they were together. Yes, she told him she'd fallen in love with him, but she'd only meant the "fallen" part. She'd definitely fallen for him, but she'd refused to apply the term "love" to anyone but Derek, out of some sort of marital obligation she'd given herself.

But now, thanks to her subconscious, she's opened that part of her brain – or her heart, maybe – that she'd worked so hard at keeping perfectly locked. Does she love Mark? Is she in love with him? Does she want to try and make it work? She doesn't know. She doesn't think she can find the answers without losing that calm and collected mask she put up when Derek left that night. And she rejects the call.

She leaves the phone in her locker and walks out of the room, going straight to the nurses' station to find herself a chart to read. Anything to make her brain stop. She's only been there for a moment when Derek walks up to her.

"So, you officially signed your contract." And he smiles at her. "Congratulations."

"Time to move forward." And it is, she guesses. Except she's not quite sure what forward means right now.

"Yeah, it is." Derek doesn't sound too convinced, either, and she's about to ask if he's all right when her pager goes off and she reads the message on the small screen.

"It's Dorie." And Derek nods as she runs towards her room, glad to be already wearing her scrubs.

Izzie is already in the room when Addison gets there, and Dorie seems to be in a lot of pain. Izzie tells her there's fetal distress when she asks, but she can't begin to check that before Dorie informs them that her water just broke. Addison walks over to her and moves the sheet away, only to find out there's a pool of blood under Dorie.

"Her placenta's tearing." Addison nods at Izzie's comment before looking at Dorie again.

"Okay, Dorie, we can't wait any longer. The babies have to come out now." And she runs out of the room and towards the nurses' station, asking for an OR and two nurses to help with Dorie. After she's been informed that the OR is ready right now, she leads the two nurses into the room and lets them start prepping Dorie for surgery. "Dorie, the OR is prepped and ready to go. Where's Tom?"

In between moans, Dorie lets her know he's home with the boys, but Izzie tells her she's called him and he's on his way. Another gold star for Stevens, and she has already lost count of how many she's earned in the last few weeks. "Izzie, go and page everyone on Dorie's team. The list is posted at the nurses' station." But Dorie holds Izzie by her arm to make her stay, and Addison goes over to the bed and tries to calm her down. "Dorie. Dorie, you're fine. You're gonna be fine."

But she's not convinced at all, and Izzie is the one that manages to calm her down enough for her to let Izzie go, with a speech that makes Addison wonder if she's been rehearsing it for this very occasion.

They start moving Dorie towards the OR as soon as Izzie's gone, and they've almost reached the elevator when Izzie joins them again, panting slightly. "Everybody answered their pages but Dr. Karev."

Addison can't believe her ears. She's put the heads of two departments on hold, and an intern is too busy to answer her page. "Where is he? We need everyone."

"Uh, I don't know." Izzie seems to be as surprised as Addison by Karev not being there. "He was on call last night, he might be asleep."

Asleep? She's about to snap and tell her where she can tell Karev to put his need for sleep, but she takes a deep breath and decides against it. "Go find him!"

x.x.x

In the scrub room, Addison can't help but wonder what's bothering Izzie. She's quiet and uncharacteristically serious. While she watches Dorie and Tom through the window in front of her, she takes advantage of them being the only people in the room. "Are you all right?"

Izzie shakes her head. "I've been better."

This new and almost unrecognizable Izzie is worrying her more than it probably should, and she decides to give it another try. "Is it about Emily?"

"No." Izzie doesn't bother pretending to be thinking about their patient. "I just... and he... I asked for too much."

Addison sighs quietly, knowing she has no advice to offer. "It happens to the best of us." And he offers Izzie a warm smile that the intern tries to return, but the only thing she manages is a fake half-smile that's even sadder than her previously serious face. "Let's go save some lives, shall we?"

Izzie nods and follows her into the OR, taking her place among the doctors that are crowding the OR. Addison is more than a little bit intimidated, but a couple of deep breaths and a reassuring smile sent Dorie's way are enough to bring the confident surgeon back. This is her element, and she knows Dorie and her babies couldn't be in better hands. She looks at the group of doctors behind her before making the first cut, and can't help but smile when she sees Derek smiling at her behind his mask. With another deep breath, and after asking Dorie is she's ready to go, Addison holds her scalpel and makes the incision that will – if all goes well – save seven lives.

George O'Malley stands next to her to wait for the first baby to be out. Emily. Stevens' favorite. And she smiles with Dorie when they hear the first cry. Only six more to go. Julie goes next, with Yang holding her with such care that it's hard to believe she's the same woman that called her "it" just hours ago. It's the magic of new babies – or so Addison calls it – and it's also the main reason why she chose this specialty.

The second cry is heard just when Meredith stands next to her, waiting for Charlotte. She puts the baby in her arms with a serious look that matches the intern's. Charlotte's lungs are too weak to cry. Karev is next, and he takes Lucy to Derek as soon as Addison hands her to him. Izzie finally has her turn, and Addison hands her an already crying Kate before Lucy's first scream is heard and the two doctors let out a relieved breath.

The five babies – with fifty fingers and fifty toes and on their way to be given their fair chance at life by a team of surgeons that Addison would trust with her own – are wheeled out of the OR and Addison is left with Dorie and Tom in a room that now feels far too empty even though the normal amount of people are inside. As a surgeon, she's proud of her job. She's brought five new lives into the world, and preserved one more. Six lives. She is proud.

But she knows the job is far from done, and that the hard part began the moment they heard Emily for the first time. She brought five new lives into the world, and she now has to make sure they'll make it. The facts, figures and percentages go through her head as she stitches Dorie up. Kate is as healthy as a preemie can be. Lucy – with Derek's help – will be just fine. Charlotte has a fighting chance if her lungs are not severely underdeveloped. Julie will have it harder, but she too has a chance. And Emily... will need all the help they can give her.

Medically, she knows even four out of five babies would be a success. But she's never been good at staying on the medical side of the fence, and she knows one of them not making it will be enough to change Dorie and Tom's lives forever. But that'll come later. Now, she needs to think of Dorie and the last stitch she has to place before she can officially say the surgery has been a success. And she does it before looking at Dorie and smiling at her as reassuringly as she can, but Dorie doesn't smile back, and Addison isn't surprised.

x.x.x

After leaving Tom and Dorie in her room to rest, comforting each other with Tom's arms around her, she realizes that – difficulties aside – what they have is what she wants. A family. And she has the answer to all her questions. It's yes. But her phone rings again and she rejects the call when she sees his name on the screen. Glancing down at the invisible – thanks to the scrubs – bump that marks the spot where Blob is, Addison feels the need to explain, even though she knows it's stupid in more ways than one. "I know, I know. But I'll figure it out." And she half-smiles at the thought. "He does look like the kind who'd play catch."


	20. You Are The Steps You Take

_A/N: Here's chapter 20! I hope you'll enjoy :) The title comes from the song "Owner of a lonely heart."_

* * *

**20. You Are The Steps You Take**

For the second day in a row, Addison wakes up startled by her alarm and wishes she could stay forever in her dream world. But at least today – unlike yesterday – she knows it was only a dream even before she opens her eyes. Because it's one thing to think there's a chance of Mark coming to Seattle to win her back, but it's a whole different story to believe that both Mark and Russell Crowe declared their undying love for her and asked to stay in her bed for the rest of their lives. That is – sadly – nothing short of impossible.

It was a very nice dream, though, complete with a fight – in gladiator attire – for her attentions and an eventual agreement to share her between the two of them. It was an extremely nice dream. With the very important added bonus of it being purely sexual and not making her do any soul-searching or reach any important conclusions about her feelings for Mark. It was the perfect dream.

So perfect, in fact, that the dreamy smile doesn't leave her face while she showers, or while she gets dressed – and makes a mental note to look into maternity clothes before it's too late – or while she drives to the hospital. It was the perfect dream to start a perfect day, and – because she wants it to stay perfect – she decides to end the silent treatment she's been giving Mark, so she can stop worrying about it. She still doesn't quite know what to do with all those newly acknowledged feelings of hers, but she does know he doesn't deserve to be ignored. Not at all.

So she calls his home number – because she knows he's not there – and clears her throat as she waits for the "beep", knowing she'll do much better if she doesn't have to have an actual conversation with him. She doesn't trust herself to be able to form coherent sentences if she had to really talk to him right now. "Hey, Mark! It's me… Addison. I'm sorry I couldn't pick up when you called me yesterday, the quintuplets got here and it's been hectic around here." All right, so she lied a bit – or a lot – but she figures it doesn't really count as a lie if she's just saving him the heart attack he'd have if she told him she's already picturing him painting their white picket fence.

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know Blob is all right, and... well, I am, too, by extension." She lets out a small chuckle then, and mentally kicks herself for sounding far too awkward for her tastes. "I'm parked outside the hospital right now, I don't know when I'll get off work today, depends on the quints' progress, so... I'll talk to you soon. I think. I hope." Another mental kick. "So... yeah. This is awkward, I've... never left you a message before." And another one. She's on a roll. "Anyway! Have a good day, or... night, depending on when you hear this... yeah. Bye!"

She hangs up on Mark's machine with an exasperated groan and rests her forehead on the steering wheel of her car, trying to convince herself that she didn't actually left that message a mere five seconds ago. But she did – and she knows it – so she does the only thing she can think of. She dials Savvy's number and hopes for her oldest friend to be able to convince her that it wasn't so bad.

"Hello?"

"Sav, it's me."

"Addie? Hi! How are you doing? How's Junior doing?"

"We're doing fine. Both of us. How are you? Your stitches healing up nicely?"

"My OB/GYN said they were the work of a genius, don't worry." And she chuckles along with Addison before she continues. "Hey, have you talked to Mark today? Weiss said he was worried about you."

Addison lets out a sigh. "I've just left what may be the most awkward and embarrassing message of my life in Mark's machine."

"Really? More awkward and embarrassing than the whispered one asking me to please pick you up at some filthy bar in the Village because you didn't remember where you parked your car before getting into a guy whose name you couldn't remember's bed? Really?"

Addison takes a moment to reply. "All right, the second most awkward and embarrassing message of my life. And yes, it was worse than the one I left Derek after I slept with him for the first time. Much, much worse." She lets out a sigh and continues. "Any chance you can sneak into his apartment and delete it before he gets home?"

Savvy is thoughtful enough to laugh as quietly as possible before she replies. "I'm sorry, sweetie. How bad was it, really? I mean, it's you and Mark, he's seen plenty of awkward and embarrassing coming from you, I don't think you can do much to shock him by now."

"It was... bad. There was inappropriate laughing, and wondering when he'd hear it, and... oh, God, mentions of how awkward it was? Did I really do that? I think the band geek in me came back just to leave that message for him." And she sighs again. "What do I do? Do I leave him another one? A... better one?"

"Only if you really want him to think you're fifteen and wearing braces." Savvy keeps talking before Addison can go on full-on freak-out mode. "Listen, I think you're making way too big a deal out of this. We're talking about Mark, here. Mark, remember? He's your friend, and he loves you, and it's not like he's going to read into a message you've left in his machine. He may laugh mercilessly at you for years to come, but he's not going to shun you for sounding awkward in his answering machine. And, hey, if all else fails, go ahead and blame it on the hormones."

Addison chuckles along with her. "I may do that. Thanks, Sav."

"Anytime, sweetie. But it's too late to try and use that excuse on me. What's going on? Is there any reason why leaving a message for Mark sent you back to high school for a moment?"

"Not... that I'm aware of. No."

"Let's try again. Maybe you could tell the truth this time."

And Addison sighs in defeat. "I sort of... had a dream about him the other night."

"And you're scared he'll find out you spent the night doing dirty things to him if you talk to him?" Savvy laughed heartily. "I think you're safe on that front, Addie."

"It wasn't that, Savvy! The dirty things with Mark and Russell weren't in that dream. That dream was... not exactly sexual."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"And...?"

"And I don't know! Hence the awkwardness."

"Well, I hate to say I told you so, but... I told you so. I told you I had a feeling."

"Yeah?" Addison cocks her eyebrow as she speaks, as if Savvy could see her. "Well, that feeling of yours is not helping anything. I have plenty of feelings too. Plenty. Of feelings. You know what I feel? I feel I just signed a contract in Seattle, and he has a practice in Manhattan, and we agreed that we aren't what each other needs right now, and I'm having a baby he's not ready for yet. That's what I feel. Have a feeling about that."

"I'm going to blame that on the hormones on your behalf. And, bitchiness aside, I stand by my feeling. My feeling said you and Derek would be friends, and you are. My feeling kicks ass."

Addison huffs at her words. "I hate your feeling."

"I know you do, sweetie." Addison rolls her eyes, feeling more and more like a teenager every second. "Listen, I have to go back to work. But I'll call you later, and we'll talk again after you've eaten something sweet and you go back to being thirty nine. And stop worrying, Junior doesn't need that."

"All right."

"I love you, okay? Bitchy hormones and all." Addison smiles along with her. "Oh, and Mark _and_ Russell? You lucky whore."

And Addison laughs heartily before she hangs up. "I love you too, Savannah."

With her spirits significantly higher than before talking to her friend, Addison gets out of the car and walks towards the hospital, ready for work to do its magic and fill her mind. She's about to step into the lobby when Derek greets her with a smile, and she has to admit Savvy's feeling was definitely right on that point. "How was Lucy's surgery last night? She all right?"

Derek nods as they wait for the elevator. "We did a good job. We'll be keeping a close eye on her for a few days, but I think she'll be just fine."

"Great." Addison smiles at him. "I'm glad we have some good news for the parents, this is not gonna be easy for them." They fall into a comfortable silence then, until they step into the elevator and Derek speaks again.

"So how are you adjusting to officially living in Seattle? I have to admit, I didn't think you'd last this long a country away from Central Park."

Addison chuckles lightly – and pretends it's only Central Park that she misses – when she replies. "I like it here. It's a nice city. I'm thinking about buying a house sometime soon, to really feel like I've moved here."

They step into the hallway as he speaks. "That's nice. I can give you my realtor's number if you want. He's very good, got me my land in barely a week."

She cocks her eyebrow at him. "I appreciate that, Derek, really I do. But I need a realtor, not a park ranger."

Derek smiles at her, amused at the hint of almost panic in her voice when he mentioned his realtor. "Now, why would you say that?"

And she smirks at him, knowing he knows exactly why she said it. "Because you live in a glorified camping, Derek."

"Forty acres of some of the most beautiful land in Seattle!"

"I did not give up a Central Park brownstone to come live in the forest."

And he chuckles then, finding her dislike of all things outdoorsy thoroughly entertaining. "Addison, our house in the Hamptons had trees. You didn't mind those trees, did you?"

Addison points at him accusingly, as if comparing that piece of wilderness he calls home to the beautiful, well-groomed trees in the Hamptons was nothing short of heretic. "They were The Hamptons."

"Why are you pointing at me like that?"

"Because you're not taking my real estate problems seriously. I need an actual house. One that can't be attached to a car and where bears and raccoons can't eat me at night."

And he chuckles again. "Addison, there are no..." But he decides a lesson on Seattle's wildlife is probably not needed right now. "I'll give you his number anyway. He's the best in town, I'm sure he can find something for you. And, you know, if he doesn't... you can always go back to Manhattan."

It's Addison's turn to laugh then. "Nice try. But thanks, I'll talk to him."

They go separate ways when they reach the nurses' station, and Addison can't help but feel Russell gave her luck for today. Awkward messages aside, the day has been perfect. A nice talk to her best friend, an even nicer one – with joking included – with her ex-husband turned friend... it doesn't get any better than that. But the smile on her face falters when she walks into the NICU and she sees Dorie and Tom looking at their daughters.

Their chances aren't as slim as they were when they were born, but the five of them are still not out of danger, and she knows Tom and Dorie won't be able to rest until they've taken them home with them. They have a few hellish weeks ahead of them, and Addison wishes there was something she could do to help. But she knows there's really no way to make this easier for them. "Good morning, Dorie. Tom. How did you spend the night?"

Dorie stays silent, her mood radically different from the one she had just a day ago, and Tom answers for her. "She slept for a few hours, and Dr. Stevens said she's doing fine. We were waiting for you so you could give us news on them."

Addison nods at him and walks over to Lucy's incubator to check on her. To keep her hands occupied. "Their surgeons will be here in a moment to explain everything to you. But I've just talked to Dr. Shepherd and Lucy's surgery was a success."

Tom is the only one that smiles, and Addison looks worriedly at Dorie as she tries to find something to say. Anything at all. But Dr. Bailey and her interns walk into the room before she can say anything, and she decides to let them do the talking instead. She hopes they all have good news for them. "Oh, good, here you are. Mom and Dad are anxious for an update. Dr. Yang?"

"Uh we've done the initial surgery on Julie's omphalocele. A primary closure was attempted, but there was pulmonary compression, so we couldn't continue..."

Dr. Bailey interrupts her and asks her to use plain English, and Addison can't help but feel thankful that she wasn't the one who had to do it. It's far too early for her to start scolding interns.

"Oh! Um... we operated on Julie's external sac of organs and we pushed in as much of the bowel as we could, and we think we can push in the rest with a second operation."

Dorie sighs quietly. "She has to have a second operation?"

"Yeah. Uh... well, not for a few days."

Addison nods at her and looks at the next intern. "Dr. O'Malley."

"We put in Lucy's brain shunt in yesterday and she's doing very well, we just have to keep monitoring her to make sure the spinal fluid doesn't back up."

Another nod. "Stevens."

"Dr. Burke used a catheter to open Emily's atrial septum last night. Today we're going to go in and try to reconstruct the left chamber of her heart. We're very hopeful."

Addison half-smiles at her, glad that Emily's chances aren't as slim as she thought they were. "Dr. Grey."

"Charlotte's lungs were a little more underdeveloped than the rest of the quints', so we put a special mask on her to help her breathe and we're monitoring her closely."

She looks at Alex then. "And that just leaves Kate."

"She seems to be pretty healthy. No major issues have been identified but we're going to keep her in the isolette till she makes it to four pounds."

Tom smiles slightly at his words. "You hear that, honey? Kate's doing really well."

But Dorie quietly informs him that she'll be in her room and leaves with a nurse, leaving Tom alone with them. "Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison tries to sound as reassuring as possible when she replies. "It's all right, Tom. She's just had five babies; her hormones are all over the place. Just give her some time. She'll come around."

After leaving Tom and Dorie to rest, and having almost convinced Tom that Dorie's reaction was normal, Addison walks out of their room and towards the nurse's station, ready to do some paperwork. Her day is not as perfect anymore, but all five babies are still alive, all of them have a fighting chance, and she can – with some effort – see the silver lining in all this. She can also see why that's not true for the parents.

She takes the babies' charts from the counter and starts reading over the first one as she walks towards the locker room to change into her scrubs. Julie is doing all right. If the second operation goes well, there's no reason why she shouldn't be able to go home in... But Addison's train of thought is stopped by a very angry-looking Izzie who just crashed into her, sending the files flying to the floor. "What the..."

"God, I'm so sorry, Dr. Montgomery. Are you all right?" A quick nod from Addison is all the answer she needs before she kneels down and starts picking up the papers on the floor. "I'll get these for you. I'm so sorry, Dr. Montgomery. I'm..."

"That's okay, Stevens, I can... really, you don't have to... Stevens. Stevens!" Addison's stern voice is enough to stop Izzie's scrambling around, and she gets off the floor and hands her the papers. "Thank you. Now, what's going on?"

Izzie seems to be debating whether or not to tell her, but a raised eyebrow paired with the sound of Addison's shoe tapping impatiently on the floor helps her make up her mind. "I... Dr. Bailey just pushed me off the case for no reason at all!"

"What?" Addison chooses to ignore the tattle-tale air of the whole exchange. "She gave the surgery to someone else?"

"No, not the surgery. She put Meredith on Dorie watch. Even though I have a relationship with Dorie, and if anyone should be on Dorie watch it should be me. She pushed me off the case!"

Addison rubs her forehead, trying very hard to comprehend why a surgical intern would be this worked up over being told to scrub in on an actual surgery. "But... she didn't push you off anything. You're in Emily's team with Dr. Burke; you're still scrubbing in on the surgery."

"I know she's not technically my case, but... I've been working with her for over two days, Dr. Montgomery, we have a relationship, she's my patient!"

"Well, _technically_..." And she says technically in a way that clearly states she's not a fan of arguing over technicalities. "Dorie is my patient."

"And I'm your intern!"

"Yes, Stevens, you are. You are my _surgical_ intern. And you're scrubbing in on a surgery, because that's what surgical interns do."

"But, Dr. Montgomery, Meredith..."

Addison doesn't let her finish. "Dr. Grey is not my intern. You are. And I'm giving you the opportunity to scrub in on a very rare neonatal case so you can help us save that baby's life. Because that's what we do around here in the neonatal surgery department. Now, if you'd rather do something else, I can put in a good word for you over at OB/GYN."

Izzie looks at the floor and stays silent, and Addison sighs and decides she's had enough of the tough love for today. Whatever it is that's really bothering her, it's definitely not the surgery. And she wonders if all interns are this easy to read when you spend enough time with them. Maybe Richard doesn't have any super powers, after all. "What's going on, Stevens?"

"Nothing. Nothing's going on. I was just upset over Dorie, and..."

But Addison doesn't let her finish. She knows denial. She invented denial, for God's sakes. And maybe it's not all good when it comes to working with someone who's freakishly similar to herself in her intern years. The good thing is, though, that she knows how to deal with it. She just has to channel Savvy. "Listen, Izzie, that thing you pulled five minutes ago? That was stupid. And, to the best of my knowledge, you're far from stupid. So tell me what's going on so we can go back to work."

"I just... I'm not having the best day." Addison nods encouragingly, and Izzie goes on. "I'm stressed out because of the case, and I'm worried about Tom and Dorie and the triplets and the quints, and I thought I had something, but turns out I didn't, and everyone says I dodged a bullet and then Olivia freaking talks to me. She _talks_ to me, Dr. Montgomery!"

"All... right?" Addison is slightly taken aback by the sudden outburst, and tries to make sense of all the details – all the seemingly unconnected details – the intern has just thrown her way. "Do you... I mean... I'm not sure I got that, Stevens." Izzie's desolated face lets her know that was probably not the best approach, and she tries again. "I don't know about the rest, but about Tom and Dorie and everyone else... just keep doing your job. That's all you can do for them. Do your job and do your best. And don't let it get to you."

Izzie nods unconvinced, and Addison is about to add something else when Burke walks up behind them and greets them with a smile. "Dr. Montgomery, the OR is prepped. We can start with the surgery as soon as you're ready."

"Thank you, Dr. Burke." Addison smiles at him. "I just have to get changed; I'll meet you and Dr. Stevens in the OR in a moment."

Burke nods politely at her. "All right. Let's go, Stevens."

Addison looks at them walk away and listens to Burke asking Izzie the first question on what – she's sure – will be a long list of them. She's still worried about Izzie and her long list of worries that make no sense whatsoever to her – who's Olivia, anyway? – but she hopes the surgery high will be enough to help her put her mind at ease. It's always worked for her, and she can only hope her previously cheerful intern finds it as soothing as she does.

x.x.x

A little less than an hour later, Addison is in the OR, half way through Emily's surgery. Everything's going all right. Her vitals are stable, and so far everything's going according to plan. Now, they just need to see Emily's aorta, and… oh. Addison gives it a second look before turning her head towards Burke. "We didn't see this on the eco."

"You can never get an exact measurement."

Izzie looks up then, slightly confused. "What?"

"The baby's aorta is narrower than we thought." Burke continues with a sigh. "The diameter is only a millimeter. Just not getting enough blood flow."

Even though she already knew what was going on, Addison can't help but feel it became more real the moment Burke put it in words. "Damn."

"I wanted you to see this before I started closing up." Addison nods in agreement, but Izzie speaks again, sounding far from content.

"You're closing up? You didn't do anything!"

"Dr. Stevens."

Addison was hoping the stern tone of her voice would be enough to make Izzie understand, but she was apparently wrong. "No! We've barely started!"

"Dr. Burke has done as much as he can do for now, so unless you know how to do a first stage Norwood, he's gonna close this baby's chest." Izzie looks down at that, and Addison's pager goes off before she can begin to wonder what exactly is going on in Izzie's mind. With a quick nod in Burke's direction, she rushes out of the OR and towards the NICU to answer her 911 page.

"What happened?"

Meredith looks worriedly at her. "She had an apneic episode; she's still not breathing on her own."

"Let's intubate and give her surfactant. Push 0.1 atropine and 3mg of ketamine." Addison gets ready to intubate Charlotte, and asks for the tube as soon as the nurse tells her the meds are in. It's a procedure she's done countless times in her professional life. It's almost second nature. But she doesn't think she'll ever get used to it. Thank God for her ability to let her job take everything else off her mind. She'll have time to let her hands shake and worry about killing the baby when this is over. "Okay, place the CO2 detector."

"She was doing fine with the chest tube."

Addison looks at Meredith as she checks the baby's breast sounds. "That's the thing with RDS cases. We think the baby's getting better, the slip right back." She nods slightly at herself. "Breath sounds equal. Good." Her hands are slightly shaky when she leaves the stethoscope back on the incubator. The baby's fine, she can freely freak out now without it interfering with her saving a life.

"Mrs. Russell."

Meredith's voice makes Addison look up at her. "Excuse me?"

"Mrs. Russell, she… I brought her here to see the babies, and she's gone."

Addison cocks her eyebrow at her. "Thanks for the heads-up, Grey."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery, I thought it'd be good for her. And the babies. If they could spend a while together, and…"

"It's all right." Addison sighs and signs the chart. So much for a perfect day. She's beginning to understand Mark's hatred of interns. First Izzie, now Grey… she's half-expecting Yang to stop by and go insane as well. "Next time, Grey, make sure she's out of the room before we push a tube down her daughter's throat." Meredith nods at her. "Go find her. Talk to her. Try not to scare her more than she already is."

After Meredith leaves, Addison walks out of the NICU and back to the OR. Interns these days… Richard's trademark phrase was making a lot of sense to her. The brilliant, talented intern with the bubbly personality has developed an attitude problem. The inappropriate but still talented intern has forgotten the basics on how not to scare patients half to death. But at least they're learning. Those little – or big – flaws will get better with the years. She knows. She's seen it happen to Mark and Derek, and she knows they could say the same about her. That's what residency is for. To learn.

Which is exactly what Izzie should be doing right now; if she was in the OR where she left her. But she isn't, and she wonders if she's somewhere in the vicinity of Dorie's room, wrestling Grey out of talking to Dorie. Or yelling at Olivia – whoever she is – to stop talking to her. Because Olivia's talking is apparently the reason for her sudden personality change, from what she could gather from Izzie's previous string of thoughts. Wherever she is, she's not in the OR. She's not learning. And that's just not acceptable for her intern. She may be a nice and understanding teacher, but she didn't earn a hardass reputation at Mount Sinai for nothing.

"Where's Dr. Stevens?"

Burke looks at her as he places another stitch on Emily's chest. "She asked to leave. I thought she was with you."

Addison shakes her head. "Are all interns like this around here?"

He chuckles lightly behind his mask. "Pretty much. They keep things interesting."

"I'll go find her." She smiles at him as she walks away. "I'm not a fan of interesting."

She finds Izzie walking – once again – with an almost scary look on her face. Almost, because she's still Stevens, and Addison can't completely forget all her cheerfulness and take her angry looks seriously. "Dr. Stevens." Izzie stops walking to look at her. "Why are you not in the OR with one of the best cardio thoracic surgeons in this country?"

"He was going to close, I didn't think there was anything else to see, and…"

"Seriously, Stevens? Do you know how to close a baby's chest after a cardio thoracic procedure? Could you do that by yourself?" Izzie looks down, and Addison puts her hand on her hip when she continues. "In that case, Dr. Stevens, you did have something to see. You did have something to learn! And I told you to stay, so you did have something to do. Do you have a good reason for having left that OR?"

"I didn't… you said what we did was save lives. There were no lives being saved in there."

Addison opens her mouth to tell her to save the attitude for someone who cared, but she closes it again when she realizes Izzie's eyes were beginning to water. Normally, she'd go on with her lecture. Normally, she'd make sure she understood why she had to stay in the damn OR until she told her otherwise. Normally, she didn't have a potential human being in her uterus making her hormones do all kinds of tricks. But Blob is there, and her hormones get the best of her, and for some reason she can't lecture a crying intern. Not without crying along with her, anyway. So she forgets all about her stern tone and lets out a quiet sigh before speaking again. "I told you not to let it get to you, Stevens."

Izzie looks down. "Go study. Eat. Watch some surgeries. Just stay away from that NICU until you've distanced yourself enough to be a doctor when you walk into that room. Understood?" And Izzie nods slowly. "All right. Move." Addison watches her leave before sighing and rubbing her temples. Not even Russell and his many talents are enough to bring this day back to its previous perfection. And she decides to follow her own advice and go have an early dinner before Blob starts to protest.

x.x.x

Apart from eating enough calories – all chocolate – to survive until Blob's birth on nothing but water, Addison used the time she spent at the cafeteria to think about Izzie Stevens. She is good. She is great, actually. And she is also letting her patients get to her and get in the way of all that greatness. It isn't good. And she knows that, if she needed to channel Savvy to try to help her with her personal problems, there's only one person who can tell her how to help with the professional ones. The one that helped her when she was in Izzie Steven's shoes.

She walks into Richard's office and returns his smile before sitting down, answering all his questions – about her and Blob's well-being, mostly – before going straight to the point. "Remember what you did to me? When I was an intern?" She does. She doesn't think she'll ever forget.

"How could I forget? You didn't speak to me for almost a year." Addison looks out of the window, willing herself not to go back to being mute around him. It still stings, after all these years. "But you learned."

"Yeah, well." She's not going to argue that right now. She's accepted that she learned. Maybe. "I think I gotta do that to Izzie Stevens."

Richard seems to agree with her. "Well, she's smart, hard working… gets a little too involved with her patients. A lot like you."

"I know." Addison stands up and paces a little. She's not sure about this. Not sure at all. But she's never had an intern who's more talented – or more like her – in her life, and she doesn't know how else to help her. It's not easy dealing with someone like you when you're not exactly sure how to deal with yourself. "It took me a long time to recover from that, Richard."

"But it made you a better surgeon, Addison." She nods. She figures he's right. It probably helped. "The question is, is she talented enough a surgeon to make the lesson worth it?"

Addison smiles slightly, pride getting the best of her. "She's the best I've seen in years. I was hoping that we could…" But Richard doesn't let her finish.

"You're not here to make friends, Addison." There it is, the super mind-reading power. But she's not so sure it's a super power anymore. "You're here to make better surgeons." And she nods and looks down. She knows. She was only hoping they weren't mutually exclusive. "Being a teacher can be a lonely business." She knows. She doesn't like it, but she knows. And she nods and walks out, not feeling much better than when she walked inside.

As she walks towards the locker room, Addison can't help but wonder if she's doing the right thing. Will it really help Izzie? Did it really help her? She doesn't know. She thinks so. It taught her what it felt like. Let her know what she was risking by getting attached. Maybe that's all Izzie needs. Maybe it will help her too. Maybe… but maybe not. Maybe the trust Stevens has on her is not enough to take it. It probably isn't.

She pulls her phone out of her locker room and looks at the screen, only half-surprised at the lack of missed calls. She did tell him she was going to be busy, after all. And she stares at the phone for a moment, daring it – willing it – to ring. So she won't have to make the call. So she can pretend it was his idea, and it had nothing to do with her needing to talk to him. But he doesn't ring and he doesn't call, and she gives up and places the phone back on top of her neatly folded scrubs. She's not going to call. She doesn't need to talk to him.

But she does, and she picks it back up and dials his number while telling herself she's doing it for Izzie Stevens. She needs to ask him for advice on how to deal with her intern. After all, he's an expert on dealing with her. This has nothing to do with her missing talking to him. That's plain ridiculous.

"Hello?"

"Mark."

"Addie? I just heard your message. The quints doing all right?"

At least he's not cracking jokes about the – very awkward and embarrassing – message. That's something. "They're... mostly all right. How are you?"

"I'm good, good. Had a great surgery today, you'd have liked it. It was a little girl with... shit! Son of a..."

"Mark?" Addison starts worrying when the sound of his muffled swearing starts to mix with what sounds like a bull has just entered a china shop. "Mark, are you all right? What's going on over there!?"

"Fucking tagliatelli al the damn pesto! Beginners my ass. Damn it all to hell!"

"Mark? Are you... cooking, or something?" And by something she means being robbed or having a momentary loss of sanity.

"Wha- oh, Addie!" He suddenly remembers he was on the phone. "Trying to, yeah. Easy Cooking For Beginners? Not so easy after all."

She winces slightly when she hears what she's sure was a pan being thrown in the sink. "What are you...? Why are you cooking? All the take-away places in your phone book closed overnight?"

"Very funny. Very... what the... how did _that_ get _there_!?" He sighs and speaks again. "Sorry, I had a sauce on the ceiling situation." Addison does her best to stifle a laugh. "Anyway. I'm cooking because I've decided the new Mark Sloan cooks."

"The new... Mark Sloan?"

"Yeah. I figured I can't feed Blob Chinese food and pizza every time he or she stays with me, right? So I'm cooking. Very wholesome food, Sav lend me the book."

"You're... learning how to cook. For when Blob stays there. With you?" Addison can't quite wrap her mind around it. It's not that she can't imagine Mark doing that. What's scary is how easily she can.

"Yeah. I mean, Blob will stay with me from time to time, right?"

"Right... Sure, of course!" _"Or you could come here and we could buy a house and live happily ever after. But your plan works, too."_

"Right. So I'm getting all fathered up."

Addison blinks at that, trying to clear her mind. "Fathered... up?"

"Yeah. Is there a reason why you're repeating everything I say?"

"No. No! Not at all, I..." And she decides the only way to stop herself from begging him to take the next plane to Seattle is to force her mind to go back to the reason why she called him. The reason she's convinced herself it's why she's called him, anyway. Izzie Stevens. Work. "I have a situation with an intern."

"I've told you already, Addie, interns are only good for running errands and... Julienne? What the hell is a Julienne and how do I do that to a red pepper?"

"You cut it from..." But she stops herself. No more cooking. No more fathered up Mark. Just... no more. "Can you please stop with your culinary education for a moment!? I'm trying to talk to you, here."

Addison's exasperated tone makes him stop and walk away from the counter. "Hey, what's going on? Are you all right, Addie?"

"As I said, I have a situation with an intern." She sighs slightly and continues. "Izzie Stevens? I told you about her."

"The talented one. Yeah, I remember."

"Yeah. Anyway, she's getting too attached to our patients, and I think I have to do something about it. Richard said he agrees, so I think I'm gonna do... what he did to me."

Mark stays silent for a moment. "Are you serious?"

"I... yes, I am. Why?"

"That stunt he pulled almost made you go into Psychiatry, Addie. Why would you do that to her?"

"Well, it taught me. It worked with me, right? Why wouldn't it work for someone else?"

"Because it didn't work with you. What did it teach you, anyway? You still get involved, you still let them get to you, you still put your heart out there every single time. It didn't teach you anything."

Addison has to admit he has a point. "It taught me what to expect. How to deal with it."

"And you wouldn't have learned that any other way? Sorry, Addie, but I think you're making a mistake. I'm all for torturing those interns, but that's crossing some kind of line. You don't trick people into losing a patient. You just... don't."

"So what are you saying? That I should let her go ahead and keep getting involved until she loses one of them and she never recovers from it?"

"The first one is always hard. But you recover. We all do. You almost didn't, though. And it took us over a year to convince you to work with babies again; you don't know if she'll ever come back. You may be turning an excellent neonatal surgeon into a crappy psychiatrist."

"Are you guilt-tripping me, Mark?"

"Is it working?"

"Yes, it is." She chuckles along with him. "So the Webber method is off the table."

"It's off the table. You work your magic on her. Everyone knows you're like the intern whisperer."

She laughs again. "Right. I'll leave you to your cooking, then."

"All right. Good luck with your intern situation."

"Thanks. Good luck with your... new Mark."

"Thank you. Night, Addie."

"Good night."

After hanging up, Addison stays in the locker room for a moment, trying to think. She'd like to say she's thinking about Stevens and her plan B, but she'd be lying if she did. She's thinking about Mark. About Mark turning into the new Mark and getting all fathered up for Blob. About Mark getting closer to that dream version of him every day. Except for the distance part. He's still in Manhattan, and seemingly doing all right. And she's still in Seattle, and doing all right for the most part. When she's not thinking about him being in Manhattan, anyway.

And maybe it's not a coincidence. Maybe they're doing all right because they're a country away. But somehow, that theory doesn't convince her. If she was doing all right, she wouldn't be entertaining the thought of hopping on the next plane and ask him to give it another go. But she has a feeling he wouldn't be so eager to go back to where they were. Sure, he's learning how to cook. And she's getting all fathered up. But he's doing it for Blob. She asked him to forget about them being more than friends, and he – in true Mark fashion – did as she told him. For once, she'd like him to be selfish when it came to her. Just this once. But she knows that's not going to happen.

When she's on her way to the elevator, she sees Izzie writing on some charts at the nurse's station. She still doesn't have a plan B for her, but she decides to talk to her anyway. Maybe their previous talk was all she needed. Maybe she won't need to teach her that lesson, after all. "You can go home, Stevens. It was a long day."

"I'd rather stay here tonight."

"You've been on call for two nights already. Go home. Get some rest."

"But... with all due respect, Dr. Montgomery, Emily is my patient. I want to stay and make sure she's all right."

Well, turns out the talk didn't do much for Stevens. "I told you not to get involved. I told you to step back and get some distance. Did you listen to a word of what I said?"

"She's my patient! I can't just not care. I care!"

Addison takes a deep breath. She has a plan B. Or, at least, she thinks she does. "All right, she's your patient. She's your patient with all the responsibilities that gives you. So let's go."

"Let's go?" Izzie follows Addison as she walks briskly towards Dorie's room. "Where are we going?"

Addison stops right in front of the closed door. "We have to tell your patient's mother that your patient is not going to make it." With one last look at Izzie's shocked face, Addison walks inside, closing the door behind them when Izzie joins them in the room. She'd rather not have Stevens see this, but it's the only plan she has. She needs to see why she has to keep her distance.

"Dorie. How are you doing?"

She doesn't answer Addison's question. "How did Emily's surgery go?"

"Dorie, when Dr. Burke opened Emily's chest, we saw her aorta is too narrow." She takes a deep breath before going on. "She's not getting enough blood flow. We've done everything we could, and she's stable now, but... you should prepare for the worst."

Dorie breaks down crying the moment she finishes talking, and Addison kneels down next to her, rubbing her back as she cries. This is one of the worst parts of her job – if not the worst – and it gets her every single time. But she can deal with it. She's learned how to. And she hopes this will make Izzie learn that too.

A few minutes later, when Dorie has calmed down enough to go call Tom, Addison and Izzie leave the room and head for the nurse's station in silence. Addison can't really imagine what Izzie is thinking about, but she's pretty sure she's either coming up with ways to kill her attending, or digesting all her feelings to make a lesson out of it. She hopes it's the second.

After signing the last chart of the day, she finally looks at Izzie, who looks like she's trying really hard not to cry. And she can't blame her. "Go home, Izzie. Get some rest."

"I'd rather stay here."

"You need to clear your mind. Go take a walk. Have a drink with your friends."

Izzie huffs slightly. "I don't have any friends."

Addison has had enough. She told Izzie she'd teach her, and she's going to keep her promise, no matter how hard Izzie makes it for her. "All right. That's enough. You're coming with me."

x.x.x

When Izzie started walking after Addison, she figured she was taking her to get a lecture from Bailey. Then, when they walked into the elevator, she realized she was probably getting the lecture from the Chief himself. But, when Addison leads her out of the hospital, she starts to really get worried. "Dr. Montgomery, where are we going?"

Addison didn't look at her. "We're going to clear our minds, Stevens. We both need it right now."

They step inside Joe's bar moments later, and Izzie doesn't ask any more questions. Addison assumes she's given up on her sanity already. "Hey, Joe."

"Dr. Montgomery! And Izzie. What can I get you, ladies? An apple juice, Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison shakes her head. "I need something stronger tonight, Joe."

"Sparkling water?"

She chuckles slightly at his words. "You read my mind. What do you want, Izzie?"

"The usual tequila?"

It's Izzie's turn to shake her head. "I'm on call. I'll have a coke."

"You're not on call, Stevens. Have whatever you want."

"I _am_ on call, Dr. Montgomery. Joe, I'll have a coke."

Joe nods and Addison gives up, and she leads her to a table near the bar. They sit in silence for a moment, awkwardly sipping their drinks and looking everywhere but at each other. Addison knows she should be the one to speak first, but she wants to let Izzie take the lead. See what she wants to talk about.

"Why are we here, Dr. Montgomery?"

Well, at least it's an easy question. She expected worse. "Addison. We're here because you need to distance yourself from that NICU. And because I need you to tell me what's happened to turn a talented intern into a girl with an attitude problem." Izzie gives her a look, but Addison's expression doesn't change in the slightest. "Well?"

Izzie sighs and looks down for a moment, seemingly trying to decide if her alleged friend-less status is desperate enough to talk to Addison Montgomery. Addison knows she's probably not her favorite person right now, but she hopes she'll at least tell her something. Something she can work with to make her intern come back. "I... was with Alex. Karev." Addison's look of utter disbelief doesn't seem to affect Izzie. "He wasn't my boyfriend or anything, but... well, it was implied that we were together. We were. It was obvious. It was."

Addison lets her keep talking, still trying to wrap her mind around Izzie being with the cocky intern with an even bigger attitude problem. "Anyway, last night, when you asked me to go find him? I found him in bed with Olivia. With _Olivia_. He cheated on _me_. With _Olivia_."

The expression on Izzie's face tells Addison she's supposed to be outraged at the thought of anyone sleeping with Olivia, but she's still not quite sure who she's talking about. "Wait... who's Olivia?"

Izzie seems to be shocked that she doesn't know. Apparently, Olivia is a household name in Seattle. "The nurse? Nurse Olivia? Twenty-something, with syphilis?" Addison shakes her head. "The redhead? But not a hot redhead like you, just... a girl with red hair." The blank stare on Addison's face lets her know she's still not getting it. "Olivia? With all the syphilis?"

"I... don't know, Izzie." But she continues before Izzie can name a few other venereal diseases. "But I'm sure you're hotter – and healthier – than her. I'm sure of that."

"Much hotter." Apparently, Addison said the right thing. "And much better in bed. Much, much better in bed."

"I... am sure you are."

"I am. But he'll never know, because he slept with her instead of with me, and now everyone says I dodged a bullet, and that I'm better off without him, but they don't understand. They don't... he's not like that, you know?"

So much for using work and her intern to keep her mind away from Mark. "I... can relate."

"I mean, he's obviously an asshole. I know that. He gave Olivia all the syphilis in the first place; of course he's an asshole. But he isn't. He's... different. I don't know."

"Yeah." Addison looks at her glass. "I know."

"And now they're all forgiving him, and I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I can."

Addison sighs quietly. "Give it time, Izzie."

She half-smiles at Addison then. "Distance?"

"Distance." Addison matches her smile with one of her own.

Izzie looks at the table for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. "Thank you, Dr. Montgomery."

"Addison." But she smiles anyway. "And you don't need to thank me. It's my job."

"I should probably go back to the hospital before Dr. Bailey puts someone else on call."

"Are you sure?"

Izzie nods at her. "She's still my patient."

"All right."

x.x.x

The next morning, Addison heads for the NICU as soon as she sets foot in the hospital. She doesn't know what she's going to find, and she doesn't even know what she wants to find. She hopes Izzie went home after all. She hopes she decided to pull herself off the case. But she also hopes she's still there, with her lesson learned and being a better doctor than she was when she last saw her near the babies. She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows she doesn't want to see the Dr. Stevens from the OR dealing with the babies on her own. That – she's sure – she doesn't want to see.

When she steps into the NICU, she isn't quite sure which one of the scenarios is playing out in front of her. She's caught Izzie mid-sentence when she was ordering the nurse to push more epi, and she's doing CPR on Emily. A quick glance at the monitor lets her know she's probably been doing this for a while now, and Addison looks down and decides to give her a chance to stop by herself. Maybe he has learned. She hopes she has.

It takes Izzie a few moments to stop, and she steps back from the incubator slowly, her eyes still on the baby. "Call it, Stevens."

Izzie looks at her, startled by her presence in the room, and nods slightly before looking at the clock on the wall. "Time of death, eight fifteen."

They don't speak as they walk out of the room. They both know where they're going. But Addison stops before opening the door to Dorie's room, giving her an out. She's learned her lesson, she's lost her first baby, and Addison is not going to ask her for more. But Izzie nods at her, letting her know she's going in. "She was my patient." Addison steps aside and lets her walk first into the room. She was her patient, by all means, and she's going to let her do this her way. She's earned that right.

"Dorie. Tom. We did everything we could, but..." Addison listens to Izzie talk to them and explain everything that happened. She then looks on as she comforts them while keeping – or at least pretending to keep – her distance. She lets her do her job, and follows her out of the room when she leaves. Seeing her about to give up the act and start crying right then and there – and knowing she'll probably follow suit if that happens – Addison pulls Izzie away from the door and stands in front of her.

"You did..." She doesn't really know what to say. "You're already a better doctor than yesterday, Izzie."

"I've lost a patient. How am I a better doctor for that?"

"You've learned a hard lesson today. We all have to learn it, sooner or later. You're not a better doctor for losing a patient. You're a better doctor for what you learnt from that."

Izzie nods, far from convinced. "Does it get better? With time?"

"It doesn't. But you do, and you get better at dealing with it." Izzie stays silent, looking at the floor. "Go home. Take today off and sleep and think it over. Let it sink in, and then come back and keep saving lives. That's what we do."

"That's what we do." Izzie half-smiles and turns around to leave, but Addison stops her before she can go too far.

"Dr. Stevens?" Izzie turns around and looks at her. "I'm proud of you." And the beaming smile on Izzie's face lets her know her intern will come back, sooner or later.

x.x.x

A few hours later, after checking in on the other four babies and paying Dorie and Tom another visit, Addison walks into an empty gallery and sits down, looking at the phone in her hands. She's calling him to tell him about Izzie Stevens. That's all. And maybe he is the one person she wants to talk to about it, but that doesn't mean she's giving in to her newfound feelings. She'd never do such thing.

"Mark? It's me, Addison."

"Hey! How did the intern situation go?"

Addison smiles into the phone. "It went great. Thanks for the advice."

"Anytime, Addie."

They fall into a comfortable silence then. She wants to say something else, but she doesn't know how to. Even if she wanted to tell him that she did love him – that she probably still does – she doesn't think the phone is the best way to do so. "I'm lonely, Mark."

He takes a moment to reply. _"Come back home." _"You know we're here for you, right? Weiss and Savvy and I, we're all here. I know it's not the same as when you were here, but we're still your friends."

"I know." She looks down, as if he could see her. "I know. I just... I miss you."

Another pause_. "I miss you too."_ And he shakes his head at himself for entertaining the thought that she meant just him. "We miss you too, Addie."

"_No. I miss you, Mark."_But she stays silent until he speaks again. "You could come out here for Christmas. Do some shopping, eat my sad excuse for food, kick our asses at Pictionary..."

Addison forces herself to laugh. "I don't know if I'll be able to take some days off." She probably won't. She doesn't think she can take Christmas in Manhattan. "But I'll see what I can do."

"Good." She can feel his smile through the phone, and she hates herself for smiling along with him. As long as he keeps referring to him missing her as "we miss you", she shouldn't be smiling with him.

"I have to go back to work; I have four babies to take care of. I'll call you tomorrow, all right?"

"All right. Have a good day... or night, it depends."

And the smirk she can feel is on his face makes her chuckle at his words. "Very funny. You're a very funny man."

"I try. Feel free to leave more messages. They're highly entertaining. Unless… you know. It's too awkward for you"

"Good bye, Mark." And she hangs up on him before he can add anything else.


	21. And We Just Can't Help But Wonder

_A/N: First of all, I'm terribly sorry that it took me this long to update. I was out of town for two months and didn't have internet access, so it was impossible for me to update it sooner. I hope you'll enjoy this (extremely late) chapter, though! :)_

* * *

**21. And We Just Can't Help But Wonder**

"There." Addison looks at the carefully wrapped present and smiles proudly at herself. "Perfect."

She's spent the last two days doing some Christmas shopping, and the whole seasonal spirit has gotten into her. She's even bought some tinsel to put a little bit of holiday cheer in her hotel room, even though she's fairly sure that puts her one step closer to being completely pathetic. But she doesn't care. Not today, anyway. Today, she's woken up early to wrap all the presents she's bought so she can have them sent to her loved ones. And Addison loves giving presents. It's actually the thing she loves the most about Christmas, and that's saying something considering how much she loves the holidays.

When she's finished placing the perfectly made bow on the last present, she starts grouping the gifts by recipient. Weiss and Savvy's piles are the biggest by far – she went a little overboard, but she thinks they deserve it – followed closely by the group of little boxes full of seasonal sweets she's sending to Derek's nieces and nephews. She knows they're technically not her family anymore, but having put her signature on a piece of paper doesn't mean she doesn't love them anymore. Which is exactly the reasoning behind the four cheerfully wrapped boxes that contain Derek's sisters' presents. She's still trying to decide on what to buy for Mrs. Shepherd. Next to them are the gifts she's bought for Sam and Naomi, Maya, Derek, Richard and Adele, her former Chief back in Manhattan, and a few of her co-workers at Mount Sinai.

Looking at the embarassingly high number of presents, she can't help but smile and think she's not so lonely, after all. She has people in her life. Maybe not physically with her, but they're still there. People she loves and who – she hopes – love her too. And, with a bright smile on her face, she gets to the last present. The most important one. Mark's.

It's a middle-sized box that she's wrapped and unwrapped five times in the twenty four hours since she brought it to her room. Three of those times, she saw some barely visible imperfection in her wrapping job and decided to start again. It had to be perfect. The other two times, she couldn't resist the urge to open it and look inside. It is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Or at least she hopes it is. She hopes Mark will think it is.

The sound of her phone ringing stops her from tearing the paper for the sixth time, and she answers with a smile when she sees Savvy's name on the small screen. "Merry Christmas, Savvy!"

"It's not for another three days, you know." Savvy chuckles to herself. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good. I'm great. You know how I am with the holidays."

"Oh, I know." Addison laughs at that. "So, when are you coming home?"

"Well, I..." She hasn't told Savvy that she's staying in Seattle yet. She figured the later she told her, the less time she'd have to try and convince her. She doesn't need to be convinced. She knows she's doing the right thing. "I'm not coming, Sav."

"You're not coming home for Christmas? Addie!"

"I'm sorry, I just don't feel like-"

"But it's tradition, Addie! We spend the holidays together, all of us."

"Right. All of us." She sighs and hears Savvy do the same, and she knows she understands. "I'm not ready for Christmas in Manhattan yet, Sav. I'm sorry. I really wanted to see you guys."

"Well, we want to see you too." She stays silent for a moment. "You know, if you'd told me, we could have come to you. But now... everything's gonna be booked already."

"I know. I know."

Savvy sighs on the other side of the country, and Addison suddenly wishes she'd told her sooner. She misses her friend. "I'm not sending all your presents to Seattle. I'm keeping the best ones until you come here to get them."

Addison chuckles and nods. "Fair enough."

"Next Christmas, though, you're getting your ass on a plane and coming here. I'm not going to be away from Junior on her first Christmas."

And Addison stays silent after that, because she hadn't even thought about that herself. This is the last Christmas before Blob gets here. Her last Christmas before she becomes a mother. And all of a sudden, the holiday season becomes even more special.

x.x.x

Izzie's bright smile almost literally blinds her when she sees her at the nurses' station two hours later, and Addison is almost sure Izzie's doing everything she can to control the urge to give her a hug. Her bubbly intern is finally back.

"Merry Christmas, Dr. Montgomery!"

Finally. A little bit of holiday spirit. Addison's smile matches Izzie's when she replies. "Merry Christmas to you too, Izzie."

The intern looks delighted that she's not the only one that believes this is, indeed, the season to be jolly. "Do we have any cool seasonal surgeries today?"

"I'm afraid we don't." Addison chuckles slightly. "You're gonna have to work with someone else today, none of my cases are surgical."

Izzie pouts slightly at that, but perks up again seconds later. "Well, that's a good thing, right? Not the not working with you part, just... no surgeries is a good thing." Addison can't help but nod. She does have a point. "Hey, Dr. Montgomery?"

"Yes?"

"I'm thinking about doing a Secret Santa thing. Do you want in?"

Addison is not sure she likes the prospect of buying – or receiving, for that matter – a present for Meredith Grey, but Izzie's smile and the promise of a seasonal activity is enough to make her accept. "Sure, Stevens. Count me in."

"Great!" And it's one of those greats that she's pretty sure can only come from Isobel Stevens three days away from Christmas. A great that somehow reaches her eyes and makes her whole face glow with happiness and joy. Her huge – by East Coast standards – holiday spirit seems inadequate in comparison.

"Stevens! Rounds!"

Bailey's voice puts an end to their conversation, and Izzie all but skips towards the group of somber-looking interns while she yells over her shoulder. "I'll let you know when we're doing the thing!"

Addison chuckles to herself and nods, and decides that Izzie Stevens is definitely the best intern she's ever had. Not only is she talented and nice, but she also plans Secret Santa things and is the picture of holiday spirit. And liking the holidays is up there in Addison's list of reasons to like a person. She decides to use her free time to stop by the NICU and pay Charlotte, Lucy, Kate and Julie a visit – even though they're not surgical anymore – and starts walking towards the elevator, but her phone rings and she walks into an on-call room to talk.

"Merry Christmas, Addie!"

She smiles at the sound of Mark's voice. "Merry Christmas!"

"When are you getting here?"

And the smile falls from her face. She didn't tell him, either. Probably because he is the one and only reason why she doubts her decission to stay in Seattle. "I'm not coming."

"What do you mean, you're not coming?"

"I mean, I'm not going to be in Manhattan for the holidays."

"But it's tradition!"

She sighs into the phone. Sometimes, she wonders why she even talks to both Savvy and Mark when they spend so much time together that their brains are synchronized. "I know. I'm just... not ready for Christmas in Manhattan yet."

Mark takes a moment to reply, and his voice is cold when he finally speaks. She can even feel a hint of resentment in it. "Because of him." She doesn't answer, and he takes it as a yes. "So you're not coming here to spend the holidays with the people who love you because of him, but you're fine with spending them alone in the same city he's in? And you couldn't even call so we could come to Seattle instead!?"

"I'm sorry, I just didn't think..."

"Damn straight you didn't!" And she's slightly surprised by how angry he seems to be. "You didn't think of Savvy and Weiss and how badly they want to see you. They bought a fucking turkey for Christmas dinner!"

"Mark, I..."

"We all miss you, and we're happy that you're moving on, but it'd be nice of you to not move on from us!" She knows he has a point. She does, really. But she doesn't care for the way he's saying it. With his voice beginning to rise, in a way that – if he was there – would definitely earn him some serious glaring from her. "We wanted to spend the holidays with you, we wanted to see you and the bump and see if you're doing fine!"

It feels personal – because it is – and she has a feeling he means "I" and not "we", but she doesn't let herself believe it. Because, if she did – if she acknowledged the fact that maybe this is Mark telling her that he misses her – she'd have to hop on the next plane to Manhattan and forget about spending the holidays away from all the memories she's left there. But Mark yells something about her avoiding him again and him deserving to spend some time with his friend at Christmas, and she loses her cool.

"Stop yelling at me! This is my choice and you don't get to question it. You don't have the right to get mad over not seeing me anymore!"

She knows she's sounded more bitter than she wanted to. That her veiled reference to them not being a couple anymore wasn't so veiled, after all. That maybe, just maybe, she let her feelings on the subject show.

"You know what? You're right." He spits the words at her, and she wants to make it right. Tell him that she didn't mean to say that, or maybe just not that way. But her brain doesn't cooperate.

"I know I am."

She hears him take a deep breath and she can almost see him shaking his head in defeat. "Merry Christmas, Addison." Hearing her full name from him stings just a little bit more than it should.

"Merry Christmas." But he hangs up before she can finish saying the last word.

So much for a drama-free Christmas. And she knows she's messed up, once again. She can only hope this wasn't the last straw. That this last unreasonable fight won't be the one that makes him give up and move on. That she's not making it just so hard that it's not worth it anymore. She's not sure why she can't seem to communicate with Mark without it ending in a fight. Savvy was right, they only fight when they're together. Or thinking about being together. Or just plain touching a subject that somehow relates to them being together.

She doesn't know why it happens. If she wanted to really look for an answer – and she's not quite sure she does – she would probably have to admit that she's scared out of her mind. Scared of being hurt again, of hurting him again and – most of all – of hurting Blob in the process. Sometimes, she thinks they could make it work. That they could fight together instead of with each other, and they could be happy together. Other times, though, she has to admit that she doesn't think they could ever make things work between them. That they're just too dysfunctional, too messed up, too Adulterous Whore and Dirty Mistress to be together. All in all, she's scared. And she fights with him because it seems somehow safer than acknowledging what she actually feels.

x.x.x

"Woman is unreasonable! When did watching a six year old dressed up as a wiseman..."

Addison hears Richard's rambling as soon as she steps out of the on-call room, and she flashes him a smile as she joins him and Patricia walking down the hall. "Merry Christmas, Richard! And Patricia." Patricia returns her smile, but Richard shoots her a less than amused look. "Or... not so merry, after all. What's wrong?"

"Adele wants me to leave my hospital unattended to go see our niece's Christmas recital."

"A Christmas recital? That's nice! I've always loved seeing those..." Richard's glare makes her cock her eyebrow at him. "Since when do we not like Christmas? I distinctly remember you dressed up as Santa for the kids when I was an intern."

Patricia has to make a big effort not to laugh at that, but Richard only points in the general direction of the OR board. "I have seven surgeons on vacation, Addie. Seven! I can't leave my hospital unattended with seven surgeons on vacation!"

"Richard, I'm pretty sure this hospital will survive for a day without you. Go enjoy the reindeer and the Christmas spirit with your wife."

He sighs loudly before opening the door to his office. "You'll page me if anything happens?"

And she nods with an amused smile on her face. "Should all the evils in the world take advantage of your absence to finally conquer this hospital, you'll be the first to know."

"Do I look amused to you?"

"Not really, no." And she smiles at him. "But you should, in the spirit of Christmas."

Richard half-smiles at that, but shakes his head and pretends not to be happy in the slightest. "The spirit of Christmas... I didn't teach you that."

Addison starts walking out of the room and looks at him to answer. "That one's a natural talent." And Richard is laughing when she closes the door behind her after walking out of his office.

x.x.x

A few hours later, after checking up on her patients and making sure none of them were going to give birth in the next couple of hours, Addison goes back to her locker and takes out the Christmas catalogue she received on the mail to try to choose her last present. She hasn't talked to Mrs. Shepherd since before Derek left Manhattan and she assumes she's not her favorite person in the world, but they've been family for over a decade, and Addison is not about to leave her off her Christmas list. She's never been one for etiquette mistakes.

She uses her pen to circle some items that look like they may make good presents, and smiles when she sees Derek walking up to her. "Merry Christmas!"

"Hey." Derek's half-hearted greeting makes her vow to not talk to anyone in this hospital – except for Stevens – until the holidays are over. So much for Christmas spirit. And he cocks his eyebrow at her when he sees the catalogue in her hands, as if it was something outrageous to do Christmas shopping in Christmas. "Presents?"

Addison nods at him, the smile still on her face. "Uh huh. Can you help me with your mom's?"

"You're buying my mother a present?"

"Yeah, I mean..." She looks questioningly at him. "It's not inappropriate, right? I just... I thought it'd be a nice thing to do."

"It will be." He nods and smiles at her. "She'll like that."

And her smile gets brighter at that. "Ok, for your mom." She flips through the pages until she finds the one item she likes the most. "I got a lamb's wool blanket, hand made in Edimburgh. It's soft, comfortable and says 'don't hate me for hurting your son', except with fabric."

"Addie, you know my mom loves you."

"No. She used to love me. I got a lot of ground to make up for with this gift." And she hands him the catalogue. "So what do you think? Plain or plaid?"

"I don't know." Addison frowns slightly at that. "Why are you so worried about her liking you?"

"Well... she's family. I don't want her hating me."

"She won't. She doesn't. My mother doesn't hate people."

"Still." She nods at the catalogue in his hands. "Plain or plaid?"

And he lets out an exhausted sigh. "Plaid."

"Thank you." She smiles at him. "And Merry Christmas."

He's about to say something when Izzie calls his name and Derek rushes towards her, obviously happy to get away from Addison, her catalogue and her holiday spirit. She'd be lying if she said she isn't worried about Derek's sudden hatred of Christmas – he's always been a holiday person, just like her – but she decides she has enough drama with her own, and turns around to head in the other direction.

x.x.x

A few hours later, after two quick and uncomplicated labors that resulted in Liam and Baby Girl Salazar entering the world, Addison decides to go down to the cafeteria and have something to eat. She's been feeling flutters in her stomach for a while now, and she's hoping for some food to make them stop. With her eyebrows furrowed slightly in concentration, she looks at her lunch options for a while, trying to decide what to take. She's getting sick of tuna salads already, and the other choices don't look edible in the slightest.

"You should try the turkey sandwich. It's tastier than it looks." She turns around to face Izzie, and the intern keeps talking as she grabs one for herself. "And, you know, it's turkey, so it's seasonal in a way. In a... very, _very_ subtle way."

Addison chuckles slightly and picks the fresher-looking one from the cart. "I like subtle." And she puts the sandwich on her tray. "I'm gonna go ahead and get some red and green jello, for extra holiday cheer." Izzie laughs and pays for her food, and Addison starts walking towards one of the tables, not noticing Izzie has stayed behind.

"Dr. Montgomery?"

She turns around, slightly surprised to see Izzie still standing by the cart. "Yes?"

"Can I sit with you? I mean, if you don't mind? I know we're not working together today, but..."

Addison smiles at her and sits down, motioning for her to do the same. It's the first time someone's reaching out to her in Seattle, and she's more than happy about it. "I'm pretty sure there's no rule that says we can't talk if we're not working together, Stevens."

Izzie chuckles at that, and speaks as she starts unwrapping her sandwich. "Are you going anywhere for the holidays, Dr. Montgomery?"

"Addison." Izzie smiles and takes the first bite of her sandwich. "And no, I'm staying here." Addison does her best to sound happier about it than what she actually feels. "What about you? Any seasonal plans?"

"Well..." Izzie shrugs slightly. "I've been planning a nice Christmas dinner for George and Meredith, and Cristina and Dr. Burke if they want to come, too." She looks at Addison then, blushing slightly. "I uh would love to have you there but-"

Addison decides to help her out. "It'd be awkward." Actually, aawkward doesn't even begin to cover what a Christmas dinner with Meredith and Addison sitting at the same table would be, but she figures she doesn't need to get into details.

"Yeah." Izzie smiles at her, glad that her boss doesn't seem to mind. "Awkward."

"Anyway." Addison takes a sip of her water and sits back on her chair. "What are you working on today?"

Izzie's face lights up at that. "I'm working with this great family that's just... they celebrate Hanumas!" Addison chuckles slightly at that. Hanumas? "Chrismukkah? Like Christmas and Hanukkah all rolled into one! And the kids are so cute, you should have seen them, Dr. Mont-Addison. Leah and Jake and... their little sister that's just so sweet. And they think it's a sign from God that McDrea... that Dr. Shepherd's name is Shepherd, as in Jesus, which has to be the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

Addison nods at her, more than a little amused at her excitement. She'll have to make sure she has at least one surgery tomorrow, she doesn't want to miss out on Izzie Stevens on a holiday high. "They sound like a great family."

"Oh, they are." Izzie nods emphatically. "You can just feel how much they love each other. They're just what I needed to cheer me up after the whole... thing. You know, with..."

"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better!" She decides to keep talking before Izzie can go on another speech about nurses with STDs and the great sex Karev's missing out on. She's heard the story a few times already between surgeries in the past week, and – while she's happy that Stevens is opening up to her – she's not so fond of sexually charged conversations. Not when she's finally managed to get her hormones under control. "I hope everything goes well with the surgery."

"Yeah, me too. I'm sure it will, with the whole... Shepherd thing." Izzie looks a little embarrassed of her own choice of words. "How is Miss Salazar..." But she can't finish her question before her pager goes off, and she frowns slightly when she looks at it. "I have to go." And she flashes her another bright smile. "It was nice talking to you, Dr. Montgomery!"

"You too. Good luck!" And Izzie smiles at her as she rushes out of the cafeteria.

x.x.x

After finishing her subtly seasonal lunch by herself, Addison goes back to the maternity wing and decides to visit the NICU before checking on the rest of her patients. It's always a good thing when none of the babies in there are surgical, and she figures spending some time with them can only improve her mood. Not that it needs much improving after Izzie's cheerful talk, but she knows from experience that the moment she allows herself to think, her mind will go back to Mark. And their fight. And the implied but not acknowledged reasons behind it. And she decides she can't let those thoughts get a hold of her brain before she's done working for the day.

"Merry Christmas, everyone." She smiles at the babies sleeping in their incubators and walks over to the first one, letting the baby hold her finger in his tiny fist. After all these years of working with babies and these little moments becoming a part of her routine, she's finding herself seeing it all under a different light. It's definitely not the same now that she knows she's only six months away from having those moments with her own baby. And she's caught herself wondering whether Blob's nose will look like Julie's or Liam's, or whether it'll feel lighter or heavier than Baby Salazar when it's in her arms. But that's not all.

Addison wonders if she'll beg for the epidural like Mrs. Blair or grit her teeth and do it the old-fashioned way like Miss McKay. If she'll cry when she holds her baby for the first time like Miss Salazar or just take a quick look and ask them to let her sleep for a few hours like Mrs. Kim. And – if she's not focusing on keeping her thoughts in line – she finds herself wondering whether Mark will stand by her bed every step of the way and let her squeeze his hand until it bruises, like Mr. Logan. If he'll rush out of the room and proudly announce that he's a father, like Mr. Blair. If he'll repeat over and over again how much he loves her and how happy he is, like Mr. Roberts. If they'll be as close, happy and in love as Tom and Dorie Russell.

She blames her hormones for that. Her hormones and the holidays. And also society, for drilling the idea of having the baby's father by her side into her head. She'll blame everything and everyone before she lets herself admit that maybe it's just the fact that she wants to do this with Mark. That now that the initial shock is over, and now that she doesn't resent him for cheating on her anymore, she's beginning to see that maybe he's not just a manwhore with a big heart. That maybe – bad timing aside – she's glad that she's having a baby with him.

That maybe Mark Sloan, with his ability to make her laugh and smile and sometimes even blush as easily as he makes her scream in frustration, his perfect mix of cocky remarks, inappropriate jokes and thoughtful gestures, and his subtle ways of showing that he cares and he loves and he feels, is the one man she wants to have a baby with. That maybe – just maybe – the only thing she'd change about his role in all this has to do with her and not with Blob. But she blames the hormones, and the holidays, and society, because it's easier that way.

She stays with the babies until she realizes she's dangerously close to thinking about Mark again, and then steps away from the incubators and leaves the NICU, hoping for someone to page her soon. She needs to keep her mind focused on something so it won't go back to the other thoughts. The ones that aren't dirty anymore, but she wishes they were. They were easier to manage when they were. But her pager stays quiet, and she picks up a chart at the nurse's station, willing herself to concentrate on the notes written on it.

"They are unbelievable!"

Addison turns around, slightly started, and faces Izzie, who looks like she's about to kill someone. "Excuse me?"

"Unbelievable!" Addison is not quite sure Izzie is talking to her at this point. She looks like she's just talking to herself. "They hate him, and as soon as he cheats on me they're all over him! All worried about him and his problems, and they don't seem to care that he _cheated on me_!" Addison just looks at her, wondering if she's supposed to say something. "And they say they don't actually like Christmas. That they put up with it for me! They all hate Christmas, and then their dark thoughts leak into people's brains, and they lose their holiday spirit!"

"I'm sorry, Stevens... what?"

It's then that Izzie realizes she's actually talking to someone that needs complete sentences to make sense of what she's trying to say. "Alex. He failed his boards and now they're all helping him, as if he hadn't cheated on me! And they say it's in the spirit of Christmas, because he's dirty Uncle Sal."

"Wait..." Addison looks questioningly at her. "Dirty Uncle Sal?"

"I don't get it, either. But they hate the holidays, Dr. Montgomery, except when they can use them to help Alex study. Since when do they care about him? Since he cheated on me! They can't use the holidays to do the Secret Santa thing with me, but they use them for Alex. They're unbelievable!"

Izzie breathes heavily after her heated speech, and Addison takes a moment to think of something to say. "So you're upset because they're helping him out after he cheated on you." Izzie nods at her, with an expression on her face that tells Addison she thinks that was blatantly obvious from the start. "Listen, Stevens." And she's beginning to understand why Savvy and Naomi sighed every time they had to talk some sense into her. Being the one with the advice isn't as easy as she thought it was. "Karev was a jerk, and you have every right to hate him, but the truth is... you're not gonna hate him forever."

Izzie's look tells her she's convinced she'll hate him as long as she lives, and she decides to go on. "You're going to make peace with it, eventually, and you'll stop hating him." She forces herself not to add that she may even realize she still loves him, because she's not quite sure what she feels for Mark is normal enough to use as an example. "And if you let that hatred get the best of you, you're gonna regret it when you stop hating him."

"So you're saying I should forgive him?" Izzie looks completely outraged at the idea, and Addison figures she'd have felt the same way if anyone had told her to forgive Mark the week after she found him in bed with Nurse Charlene.

"No. I'm just saying... don't do anything you may regret." _"Like move to the other side of the country or tell him he doesn't have the right to care anymore, to name a few examples."_

"I guess you're..." But Izzie stops mid-sentence when she sees Addison frown slightly and shift on her feet, pressing a hand to the curve on her stomach. "Are you all right Dr. Montgomery? Is everything okay?"

Addison smiles at Izzie's concern. "I'm fine, it's just..." She tries to find a way to say she's gassy without actually saying so. "My stomach is fluttery today. I need to go downstairs and eat something."

Izzie's smile broadens at that, a look of excitement on her face. "Is it moving? The baby? You know first-time mothers often mistake the first movements for gas!"

"Stevens, I wouldn't mistake..." But she realizes she probably would, actually, considering she's never felt a sixteen weeks old fetus move in her uterus before. Not even the foremost neonatal surgeon in the country can know that without experiencing it herself.

"Oh, this reminds me, I have something for..." But Izzie's pager goes off before she can finish her sentence, and she's still smiling broadly when she looks at Addison. "I have to go fix Mr. Epstein's frontal lobe. See you later, Dr. Montgomery."

Addison nods at her, not really paying attention, and stays quiet waiting for Blob to move again. After a few moments, though, she realizes Blob isn't in the mood for moving anymore, but that doesn't stop her from smiling broadly and heading for her locker room. She needs to tell Mark. They can keep fighting after she's done telling him that she's felt their fetus move for the first time.

"Hey..."

"Mark! You're not going to believe..."

"...you've reached Mark Sloan. Leave your message after the beep."

She stares at the phone in silence, as if she'd never heard a pre-recorded message in her life. She hasn't heard it on Mark's cell phone, anyway. He always picks up. Even when he's in the OR, he has a nurse answer it for him. And she wonders if he's mad enough to send her calls straight to voicemail. If she really messed up enough to make Mark not be there for her anymore. She didn't even know that was possible. They've fought before – they even broke up, for God's sake – but they never actually ignored each other's calls.

And she reluctantly admits that maybe he does have the right to reject her calls. She admits that she took him for granted, and hurt him more than she cares to believe, and treated him as if he was nothing more than her dirty mistress. And that maybe her putting Derek – or the memories of him that are still in Manhattan – above seeing Mark was the last straw. Maybe she's finally managed to push him away. And it hurts just as much as it should.

She gets her purse from her locker and puts on her coat, and decides to take the rest of the night off. All her patients can be handled by residents, and she knows she's not going to be able to focus on her job. Not tonight. Tonight she needs alcohol, or a friendly hug, or someone to rub her back while she cries. But she can't have any of those things in Seattle, and she figures going to Joe's and talking to the friendly bartender for a while is the next best thing.

x.x.x

Addison arrives at the bar an hour later, after leaving instructions for the residents and making sure none of her patients would need her for the next few hours. She needs a drink. Even if she has to pretend there's alcohol in her Blob-friendly drinks. "Merry Christmas, Joe."

"Merry Christmas." He turns around and places a steaming mug in front of her. "Hot chocolate, extra foam and three marshmallows. Christmas in a cup."

Addison smiles gratefully at him. "Thank you, Joe. What do you suggest I pretend I'm drinking?"

"Well..." They're good at this game. She asks for an appletini and he hands her an apple juice, or she points to a lemon soda and he calls it a vodka lemon. There's a reason why she loves Joe. And she makes a mental note to buy him a present next time she goes shopping. "Hot buttered rum?"

She nods at his words. "Perfect."

"Tough day?"

"That obvious, huh?" Joe smiles at her. "I'm just... staying here for Christmas." He nods as if he understood, and she decides to change the subject. "Do you have any plans?"

"Walter and I are going to spend the holidays with his parents." Addison smiles at him. "Honestly? I wish we'd stay here too."

Addison chuckles slightly. "Ah, the in-laws. Good luck with that."

Joe laughs along with her but stops to look at the door. "Izzie! Merry Christmas."

Izzie smiles brightly at both of them. "Merry Christmas!" And she sits on the stool next to Addison's. "I followed your advice, Dr. Montgomery. I still hate him, though."

Addison smiles at her. "As is your right."

"Yeah, well..." And she gets lost in her thoughts for a moment before she snaps out of it and hands Addison the bag she was holding. "Merry Christmas, Dr. Montgomery."

Addison gets the perfectly wrapped present out of the bag and stares at it in awe. "Izzie, you didn't have to..."

"But I wanted to." Izzie motions for her to open it, and Addison smiles when she feels the soft yellow fabric inside the box. "It's a blanket, for the baby. I know you probably have a hundred of them already, but I just... I wanted to get you something."

"It's actually..." She takes a second to will her hormones to leave her alone and let her get through this without crying. "Thank you, Izzie. I really... I don't even know what to say."

Izzie smiles brightly at her. "So you like it? I was worried it'd be inappropriate, or you'd hate it, or... well, I know I can go a little overboard with the Christmas thing."

"There's no such thing as too much Christmas, Stevens." They both chuckle at that. "And I love it. Thank you, really." He puts the blanket back in the bag and looks at her. "You want to have a drink? Joe'll put marshmallows in your chocolate if you ask nicely."

Joe and Izzie laugh at her words. "No, thank you Dr. Montgomery. I just stopped by to give you your present, I told Meredith and George we'd have dinner together."

"All right." Addison nods as Izzie gets ready to leave. "Merry Christmas, Izzie."

"Merry Christmas, Dr. Montgomery!"

Addison stays at the bar for a while after Izzie leaves, talking to Joe about meaningless things that keep her entertained and allow her to relax. When the bar starts getting crowded, though, she takes her second mug of fake buttered rum to a booth and gets her catalogue from her purse, trying to find some presents for Joe and Izzie. She has two new people to buy presents for this year. Two new friends. She can't even remember the last time she made a new friend, and she decides moving to Seattle has its perks, after all.

She's pondering whether Izzie Stevens would prefer a fluffy pillow or a handmade comforter when she sees Derek talking to Joe, and she smiles when he looks at her. "Hey, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek walks over to her and sits on the other side of the table. "Dr. Montgomery."

"So, how's Mr. Epstein's frontal lobe?" She heard all about his mysterious personality change, and she hopes the father of Izzie's favorite family is doing all right.

"He woke up smiling."

"Congratulations." And she takes a sip of her drink before trying to fish a marshmallow with her spoon.

"Thank you." Derek looks amused at her. "What are you drinking?"

"It's ah... hot buttered rum." She chuckles when he raises his eyebrow at her. "Hot chocolate, extra foam and three marshmallows. It's delicious."

"It's... dickensian."

"Uh, no... yeah. Well, it is Christmas." He doesn't reply, and focuses on the glass of scotch in his hands. She probably shouldn't worry about his sudden hatred of the holidays, but he's still her friend, and she's concerned. Thinking about Derek's problems is also a good way of forgetting about her own. "Christmas, Derek. You love Christmas. At least you used to."

"Yeah." He stays silent for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. "Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love." She nods at him. She knows. "I'm not saying this to hurt you, or because I want you to feel bad, because I don't... Meredith wasn't a fling." And she looks at him, trying to understand why he's telling her this. "She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't just go away."

So he misses her, just like she misses Mark. They both fell in love with someone else. They both messed it up. And they're both alone at Christmas. After all that's happened, they're in the same place. They're acting the same way. He chose Addison over Meredith, and she chose Derek over Mark. Or at least she made it seem like she did. And she took him for granted, and left him, and let him be the only one who fought, like Derek did with her.

And now she's not going home for Christmas, just like Derek did countless times before, and she realizes Mark has every right not to answer his phone. She deserves it, just like Derek deserved all the times she didn't answer his voicemails telling her he wasn't going to make it home before midnight. But she still can fix it. Or at least she hopes she can.

"You're leaving?"

Addison smiles at him as she finishes buttoning up her coat. "You're right. Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love." And she gives his arm a small squeeze before she leaves. "Merry Christmas, Derek."

x.x.x

One hour later, Addison walks out of the room with a bag full of presents in her hand and a nervous smile on her face. She's doing this. She's actually doing this. She's bought a last-minute plane ticket online, she's left Richard a message telling him she's taking a few days off – and ended it with instructions on how to breathe in case he has a panic attack from the news – and she's left the key to her room in Ethan's desk. She's going back home, and back to Mark. She's doing it.

After wishing the friendly concierge a merry Christmas, Addison starts walking towards the door, but she's only taken two steps when a familiar voice stops her in her tracks. "Addison!"

She quickly turns around, and smiles at the sight in front of her. "Mark? What are you doing here?" Things are finally looking up. Finally. Maybe he doesn't hate her, after all. Maybe Christmas miracles do exist. Even if the serious – and slightly annoyed, maybe – look on his face is telling her this looks more like a lightning trip to tell her he doesn't want to ever talk to her again.

"I'm here to-" And he notices the suitcases next to Addison then, a frown forming on his face. "Are you going somewhere?"

Addison's smile broadens at that. It's her chance. Now she can tell him she was going to Manhattan to be with him. "Actually, I was going-"

But he cuts her off and shakes his head, still serious, as if he was regretting having asked her. "You'll tell me later." And he ignores her when she tries to speak again, looking like he's forcing himself to speak. "I want to have the right."

Addison looks confused at that. "What?"

"I want to have the right to care if you come home for Christmas. I want to-"

And now it's her turn to cut him off, because she can see he's struggling to put his thoughts in words – as usual – and it'd be much easier for both of them if she was the one talking. Even though she's very close to crying, thanks to the hormones and – let's face it – the fact that things are going to be all right. "Listen, Mark, I-"

But he lets out a quiet frustrated groan and cuts her off, once again, hoping this will be the last time he'll have to do that tonight. "Dammit, Addison, I'm trying to talk here, you listen to me!" Addison closes her mouth, startled, and he decides it's his chance to finally talk without being interrupted. "Thank you." He looks down for a moment and then back into her eyes, straightening his shoulders and looking like he's really making an effort to speak. "I want to have the right to care, because I do. I care about you, and I care about Blob, and I deserve to have the right. But I'm still not ready."

Addison's smile – that had already come back after the initial shock – falters then, and she looks down at her feet. Of course he's not ready. Serves her right for getting her hopes up. But Mark keeps talking, and she decides to listen to him instead of her own self-pitying thoughts. "I love you, Addison, I still… I love you, and I'm a mess. And it doesn't matter if I now can cook five different meals or if I don't bring random women into the apartment or if I'm making room for baby stuff, because I still love you. And I'll never be ready to have a baby with you while we're a country apart and I have to pretend I don't care. Because I care."

He takes a deep breath then, hoping she won't take the chance to interrupt him again, but she's far too busy trying to absorb everything he's told her to even think about saying anything herself. "We messed up. Both of us, we messed up back home and we were doomed from the start. But until we did… until we fucked it all up, while we were still good, Addie? We were great. _I_ was great. I was the kind of man I want to be for Blob. Being with you made me be that man. And this time we're not gonna mess up, because it's just us and Blob, and there's nothing else to worry about. So I'm not ready to be a father alone, with weekly visits and daily phonecalls, but I'm ready to do this with you."

Addison stays silent, debating between asking him to repeat what he's said to make sure she's heard him right and just going all out and start crying because he's really saying what she thinks he's saying. But she can't decide fast enough and Mark speaks again, sounding much less sure than before. "If you want to give us another chance, that is."

"I…" She takes a moment to clear her thoughts. "I was going to Manhattan." She can't help but smile slightly at his confused look, and she waves in the general direction of her suitcases as she explains. "I was going to Manhattan to tell you that I'm sorry. For taking you for granted and for hurting you and for treating you like my dirty mistress. You weren't that, you were… I…" She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment before trying again. "Christmas is for being with the people you love. And I wanted to be with you. That's where I was going. To be with you. And to tell you that I'm glad you're Blob's father, but I'd like to change the part where you and I are just friends who happen to be having a baby. If you didn't hate me after the last fight. Which I thought you did, because you sent my call straight to voicemail."

"I was in a plane."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So I, uh…" And it's then she realizes that they are – for once – in the same place, at the same time, but she can't find the words to tell him so. "I called you because-" But Mark brings his hand up, carefully tucking a strand of hair behind her left ear, and she has to make a great effort to keep the words forming in her brain. "Because I... I felt…" She loses her train of thought then, distracted by watching – and feeling – the back of Mark's hand sliding down her cheek and making her forget that she's supposed to breathe.

And that's when Mark finally leans in and kisses her, and her arms go around his neck as soon as her brain registers what's happening. She's missed him. And even though she already knew that, she suddenly realizes that she's also missed this. Being with Mark. Being with someone that makes her forget – or at least not care – that they're still in a hotel lobby and making one hell of a public display of affection as long as he keeps kissing her. Which he does, because he's Mark and – as well as a number of other qualities – he has the ability to always make her feel that he needs her just as much as she needs him.

But the kiss ends, eventually, and he pulls away just enough to be able to look into her eyes when he speaks. "I do care."

And Addison swallows hard – and she's thankful for his arm around her waist because she doesn't trust her knees right now – and gives a small nod with her words. "As is your right."


End file.
